we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER: YULE LOVE IT!"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* KUNT - We can do it! WE CAN!
* CHARLIE MANSON - Casio keyboard funk-miester
* QUIMS - Why not colour them in?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're typing an
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   ellipsis... together"

B3ta email 459 - 17 Dec 2010

Retweet this issue to your dead cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue459/

Good children:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Bad children:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  YOU can help Kunt and the Gang get the most
  offensive Xmas hit of all time.

  Download 'Use My Arsehole As A C*nt' from NOW
  until Sat 18 December to qualify for Xmas
  chart. IT'S VERY CLOSE TO THE TOP 40. EVERY
  SINGLE DOWNLOAD COUNTS.

  Link to download from iTunes
http://goo.gl/R2hx7

  Link to download from Amazon
http://goo.gl/T3R0h

  7 versions counts as 7 sales in the main chart.

  The Nick Clegg version video here:
http://bit.ly/igxfYb

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than knitting mittens for kittens

  >> Charles Manson plays the keyboards <<
  The infamous cult leader puts on a fabulous
  synth show, according to Rattlehead. Love this
  footage - the man sure loves to dance!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charles_Manson_Plays_The_Keyboards


  >> Cassetteboy Christmash <<
  "Well, it's that time of year when we dust off
  our old Festive Christmas single, and shove it
  in people's faces again," apologises
  cassetteboy. "To celebrate, we've remixed it a
  bit, meaning you can listen to all your least
  favourite Christmas anthems in the the space
  of about ten minutes, and get them out of the
  way for another year."
http://goo.gl/iDEo6


  >> Where do I put the toilet paper? <<
  "I've made a world-wide survey of toilet paper
  habits," boasts a tanned new_matt. "Seeing as
  I've just got back from South America, I could
  have done with it when I was out there."
  Potentially very useful, if you need to go
  somewhere exotic.
http://www.wheredoiputthepaper.com/


  >> Emily Davison Blues <<
  "Here's a protest song for the newsletter,"
  cries Tim Morris. "I filmed it, outisde Nick
  Clegg's Sheffield constituency office, Grace
  Petrie wrote the song and sung it. Emily
  Davison was a suffragette who went under the
  King's horse." We like this resurgence of
  student protest - it reminds us of some
  pictures we once saw of the 60s.
http://bit.ly/gQjZlh


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  It's not what it looks like!

  Last week we asked for those innocent
  situations that didn't look quite so innocent
  to everyone else, let alone the sex-offenders
  unit:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/

 * "My mate Simon used to be an illustrator, often
    working late into the night at home. One night
    he was mounting some work when he sliced a bit
    of his finger off with a scalpel - really badly.
    He couldn't stop the flow so, panicked, he went
    to wake up his flatmate in the hope that she'd
    be able to help him staunch the bleeding. She
    opens her door, takes one look at his finger
    pumping claret and promptly falls to the floor
    in a dead faint. A few seconds later she comes
    to, apologising for being a wuss. Simon helps
    her up, smearing blood all over her in the
    process. She helps him get to the bathroom in
    order to wash his finger, only to faint once
    again at the sight of the bleeding gash. As she
    falls, her nightshirt rides up and - whoops -
    she's naked underneath. Intent on protecting his
    friend's modesty, Simon goes to grab her nightshirt
    to pull it down, which is when his other flatmate
    arrives home and opens up the bathroom door: to
    find Simon poised over the unconscious, bloody
    body of their friend, hands dripping gore,
    apparently attempting to strip her naked..."
    (MrsP)
     
 * "Some years ago, my mate Matt had a daughter
    who was in the toilet training phase and would
    still have occasional accidents. So he and his
    wife would carry spare underwear and trousers
    for their daughter just in case. One day he
    nips into a public toilet in a shopping centre
    for a pee. As he's finishing and is shaking the
    last drips off, he sneezes and pulls out a hankie
    to wipe his nose. But it wasn't a hankie in that
    pocket. The other patrons of the toilets are now
    looking at a bloke with his cock out who appears
    to be sniffing a pair of pants that would fit a
    two year old girl."
    (sandettie light vessel automatic)
     
 * "In my first year of university, I lived in a
    student village, which was pretty cool. What
    wasn't cool was the me vs all-mates-at-once
    play fights that happened most days. It was
    all in good fun, I gave as good as I got, but
    the bruises were adding up. To defend myself
    I'd picked up a giant metal spoon from the
    kitchen as a weapon. I took to wearing this
    in my belt like a sword when I was in the flat
    with my mates. Walking to a friend's flat, I
    passed a couple leaving the building. I smiled,
    said "Hi" and held the door open for them. The
    girl looked shocked and afraid. I heard her say
    to the guy "My god! Did you see the massive
    knife that guy was carrying?!" to which the guy
    replied. "That wasn't a knife, it was a spoon."
    Before I could even think, I heard myself say
    in a comedy Australian accent "I see you've
    played knifey spoony before!" The guy came back
    to high-five me."
    (Mong goose)


  >> This Week: B3ta Person of the Year 2010  <<
  After Time wimped out and went with some geek
 who runs a website as "Person of the Year", we'd
 like your nominations for B3ta Person Of The Year:
http://b3ta.com/questions/b3tapersonoftheyear2010/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  With very short write-ups because of hang over

  * SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE LORUM IPSUM GENERATOR -
  funny and will probably get someone sacked as
  project managers love web developers with a
  sense of humour.
http://www.lorizzle.nl


  * SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWICH - in the early
  90s people would start newsgroups like
  alt.my.cock.smells and now there's Tumblr. Yay.
http://j.mp/afsZXF


  * CUT OUT AND KEEP 3D STEVE JOBS - ideal for
  decorating your Xmas iTree.
http://goo.gl/hviLb


  * CUNT COLOURING BOOK - a classic link on
  Amazon but now you can read it via Google
  Books. Thanks Mr Google!
http://goo.gl/jhXGf

  * ARGOS FROM 1985 - drown yourself in
  nostalgia for when you hoped your parents would
  buy a Commodore 64 for Xmas, but instead you got
  an Oric Atmos.
http://goo.gl/nGC6U


  * BETTER NAMES FOR BABY - if you're expecting
  then choosing names is hard, lucky help is at
  hand.
http://www.betternamesforbaby.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like video but with some extra HTML round it

  >> So you want to be a journalist <<
  One of those strange, monotone "the truth
  about..." things. This time, telling it like
  it is about your future career in journalism.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7eLuTk5L9g


  >> X Factor finalists "Heroes" <<
  X Factor finalists and the British Armed
  Forces, in the performance we've all been
  cryig out for.
http://goo.gl/9sp46


  >> The world's greatest music video <<
  Cyriak thinks this is the greatest video he's
  ever seen. Who are you to disagree? We've
  travelled the world and seven seas.
  Everybody's looking at some shit on youtube.
http://goo.gl/r09bC


  >> Nee Naw Nee Naw Nee Naw <<
  Just 22 seconds long but you'll watch it more
  than once. "Who's playing the bagp... oh!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw


  >> Movie filmed by cats <<
  These catfood people put some cameras round
  the necks of some cats and edited the results
  together, with interesting results. The film
  is 5 minutes long, which co-incides exactly
  with the length of time a cat is actually
  awake on any given day.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Movie_Filmed_By_Cats


  >> Funny horse song <<
  Young man espouses the advantage of not being
  a Car-Owner in Ireland at the moment. Video
  contains attractive woman. A 'hit'.
http://goo.gl/4ZyTy


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Wikileaks Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop Julian
  Assange's ass

  Your favourites included:

  * SPOILER - in which our man delivers a
  lecture on Hollywood blockbusters and spoils
  the endings for everyone (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10274979

  * CHILD - a rare peak into Julian's childhood
  reveals a pattern of behaviour that would
  continue into adulthood (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277488

  * SEANCE - unexpected early death prompts rare
  life-after-death gag (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277922


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/assange/


  >> New challenge: B3ta Christmas <<
  It's December, and time for our traditional
  Christmas Card Challenge, featuring as much
  festive inappropriateness as possible
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmas2010/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - B3ta's very own
  @Hexachordal is part of Cage Against the
  Machine, recording John Cage's 4'33" in a bid
  for Christmas #1. He's the bloke with the blue
  hair.
http://bit.ly/hKGuRR

  * SANTACON - Si o doom writes, "Well, I picked
  up the newsletter at about 11pm on Friday,
  Wasn't working on Sat so I thought I'd go
  along and take some photos, within 1 hour I
  had a hat, within 2 hours I had a jacket,
  within 3 hours I had a lot of booze in me, by
  8 hours I had picked up a group or
  americans....... I even got interviewed for
  the Santa news network about the outbreaks of
  sprout throwing and the elves who were only
  there for trouble.......... It was a surreal
  end to one of the most bizzare weeks I've had!"
http://goo.gl/m9KJZ

  * HOW BAGGER 288 CRUSHED ONE MAN'S SANITY -
  good to see Joel's stuff is still causing
  confusion round the web.
http://www.reddit.com/tb/emqp5


  * CASH4GOLD STUNT - Guru writes, "I just
  thought that you should know the Cash4Gold
  pranking that you featured in your newsletter
  is FAKE."
http://goo.gl/S5XAW


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AVERAGE WEATHER - PaulHartshorne asks, "Can
  you ask the good folk that read the b3ta
  newsletter to create a website that takes an
  aggregate of several different weather
  websites and gives me a forecast based on them
  all, so i don't have to check them
  individually? Thanks." Personally we just look
  out the window then go nah, leaving the house
  is for straights.

  * AN ANTI PROCRASTINATION IPHONE APP - we
  haven't been able to get this fucking
  newsletter out the door due to a sickening
  lethargy that's made us play John Lennon
  records all day and look at twitter. Sorry.

  * A SNOOZE BUTTON FOR LIFE - or is that what
  Valium is? If it is, can we have a big bucket
  of it please?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Haterz:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Top tip via sandettie light
  vessel automatic. Stuff sent in by Mushroom,
  planearm, mutated monty, WiL, @waxpancake,
  Elvis of Nazareth, PuzzlerT, jackbremer,
  PucatuB, jingle_man & pikey. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Joe
  Scaramanga. Bees by Oprah: http://goo.gl/kbBNE

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TRIP:
  Make Santa's job more interesting by lacing
  his sherry with LSD.


-------------------------------------------------

  UPDATE! Kunt is at 78 in the midweeks and
  needs about 3000 more sales to crack the top
  40. We can do this. Buy here:
http://goo.gl/T3R0h

next issue »
« previous issue