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NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN LIBEL, OR OTHER BLOOD PRODUCTS"

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This Week:
* PICS - Awkward Miliband moments
* COLOURING IN - with Julian Assange
* QUESTION - Bullshitty bullshitters

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're chewing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   web-cud... moogether!"

B3ta e-turd 462 - 14 Jan 2011

Read this issue on C4's Teletext, page 670:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue462/

       Cuddles:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Bad cuddles:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
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  B3tans can stick it to the man and get discounts
  on track and album downloads directly from the
  band's web-site using the discount code b3ta at
http://music.dataloaf.com/
 
  Alternatively, go to the main dataloaf.com
  web-site to find out how to make Steve Jobs
  richer at an iTunes store near you.
 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Every 10p you spend with B3ta means your Ginger
  Fuhrer can buy increasingly strange hats.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Penguins, MP wiki naughties, Moses, Cat

  >> The Penguin Dilemma - Translation <<
  Two penguins attempt to negotiate a muddy
  puddle. Fresh from his cat video, Slurpy J 
  takes on that penguin clip that's been 
  popping up in inboxes everywhere this week.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Penguin_Dilemma_Translation


  >> Editing Wikipedia from inside Parliament <<
  "It's the 2010 'Editing Wikipedia From Inside
  Parliament' Awards!" exclaims Tom Scott. He's
  been monitoring the interwebs, and it's
  surprising how many edits to MPs' wikipedia
  pages come from anonymous users within the
  Houses of Parliament. Always good, people
  getting caught being naughty.
http://www.tomscott.com/wikiparliament/


  >> Not exactly the greatest story ever told. <<
  It's been a while since somegreybloke's last
  Grey Bloke cartoon, but worth the wait for this
  Old Testament epic. Five bonus points if you
  spot the Phill Jupitus cameo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Not_exactly_the_greatest_story_ever_told


  >> Cat + slide whistle <<
  "My brother, his cat Geppetto, and a slide
  whistle," writes  jessekillerkay. Made us chuckle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ-8IKZJmz4


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: SHITEGEIST
  Throwaway Tumblrs of the moment

  * AWKWARD MILIBAND MOMENTS - Ed really is Adrian
  Mole all grown up isn't he?
http://awkwardedmilibandmoments.tumblr.com/

  * THINGS REAL PEOPLE DON'T SAY ABOUT ADVERTISING
  - a bit industry this one, but as we float on
  the edge of such worlds it tickled us.
http://tpdsaa.tumblr.com


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: CHARGRILLED.CO.UK - Sponsored linky
  Go there, do it, buy the t-shirt!

  We've got highbrow t-shirts, lowbrow t-shirts
  and how now brown cow t-shirts. What's more, to
  B3ta members, they're 10% cheaper! Enter the
  code 'b3ta' at checkout.
http://bit.ly/dUDSKz


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  House Guests

  Last week we wanted your worst house guests,
  or tales of your own appalling behaviour. Go
  read how Kovacs accidentally gave a whole room
  a golden shower:
http://b3ta.com/questions/houseguests/

  * "My wife and I stayed over one night at her
    friends' house after a nice big, boozy dinner.
    This was not your crappy student flat - we
    were all grown-up and in nice houses with
    bought furniture and the like. I woke in the
    morning to a pretty frosty reception. My wife
    doesn't really drink and I drink her share
    to avoid offending our hosts, so this was not
    new. But that morning I could only remember
    a strange dream that I couldn't get into the
    bed - the duvet wouldn't come off. It was all
    very odd. Then she pointed to the corner of
    the room where I had pulled up their fitted
    carpet and crawled underneath to sleep,
    before returning to bed a few hours later
    on account of the cold." (Rammer)
    
  * "When my brother was a student in Norwich
    the old woman from the flat upstairs came
    to visit. Well, I say visit, but it was
    more a case of the liquid from her rotting
    corpse leaking through his kitchen ceiling."
    (Ring Of Fire)
    
  * "A chap I know, a shy, retiring gay man,
    was terrified of his flatmate. He could hear
    him through the walls at night, muttering
    obscenities: You fucking fucker, I'm going
    to fucking kill you, I'm gonna get you all,
    you absolute bastard, oh no you don't, etc.
    It was me, playing online games with my
    headset on. In my defence, I wasn't talking
    that loud, the walls are just made of paper."
    (universalpsykopath)


  >> This Week: Bullshitters <<
  Ever met the sort of fantasist who constantly
  claims they've got a helicopter in the garden
  or was "second onto the balcony at the Iranian
  Embassy siege"? Lucky, lucky you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/


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: SHITES IN BRIEFS
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bizarro ASA complaint <<
  The advertising standards agency exist to stop
  wankers like Cillit Bang from telling us lies
  about how clean it can get our pennies. Quite
  what good they are doing hunting down
  witchdoctors is anyone's guess. We suspect
  long, dull days in the office. Still, it's
  allowed them to produce a fantastic report
  which is going to go down in history as the
  highest-trafficked item on their site ever.
http://goo.gl/qW1hu


  >> You've seen the Julian Assange colouring book? <<
  Just checking. Not the most sophisticated bit of
  tech ever - this is the web circa 1998, but then
  Wikileaks has that "Netscape Now!" flavour too. 
http://julianassangecoloringbook.com/


  >> Slowed Down Amy Winehouse = old soul singer <<
  Suprisingly listenable, and following on from
  the recent 'slow Justin Beiber down 800% = Brian
  Eno' and the sped-up Paul McCartney, which was
  basically Pinky and Perky but with amazing
  tunemanship. Now can somebody slow down Barry
  White and see if we can use it to seduce
  whales?
http://tinyurl.com/4lbe356


  >> You now hate all Dreamworks films <<
  Even if you didn't mind Shrek, once you see this
  image it'll nag away at you and destroy any
  lingering affection for their work. This pic
  is rather evil that way.
http://www.slashfilm.com/lol-pixar-vs-dreamworks/


  >> Amazon lols ahoy! << 
  The comments for this watch on Amazon are
  priceless - as is the watch at a mere
  $118,000.00 US Dollars. E.g. "I actually first
  saw this watch at a neat little store in
  Luxembourg, as I was refilling my ruby-encrusted
  helicopter with gasoline made out of unicorn
  tears..."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002T4V3W4/b3ta-20


  >> Nature sounds <<
  A sound effects mixer - probably meant to be
  relaxing, but we got some cheap laughs mixing
  Darth Vader and school kids. Add some bleeps
  and make your own KLF chillout album in 3 mins.
http://naturesoundsfor.me/SheepSea

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Web video will never catch on and here's why:

  >> Every Voyager episode is the same <<
  A TVTropes-style take down of the Voyager show,
  but what impresses us is the formula. Cut up
  the footage of your choice, dub it into
  foreign, then use subtitles to make your
  satirical points.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/every_episode_of_Voyager


  >> Badly-spelt games review <<
  Remember Yahoo Answers' tackling "How is babby
  formed?" We reckon Yahoo never recovered and it
  was at least 100% responsible for their current
  falling apart. Anyway, the format of that gag
  was to take a really dreadfully spelled and
  rather ignorant post, then read out every typo
  with some wonderful voice acting. A trick these
  guys have applied, with wonderful results, to a
  review on Flash-sharing site Newgrounds.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/558516


  >> Willy bum bum <<
  A charmingly childish ditty about willies and
  bums, that sounds suspiciously like a nearly
  made it musican who we did a video for a long
  long time ago: John The White Rapper. It's
  probably not, mind you. But who knows?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrBj3u5dPgM


  >> Heinz Auto Bot <<
  Robots are much, much better when they don't
  work properly. All that precision, delivering
  comical inaccuracy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Heinz_Auto_Bot


  >> Cheeky song from 1931 "My Girl's Pussy" <<
  Everybody sing...  "There's one pet I like to
  pet, and every evening we get wet. I stroke it
  every chance I get, it's my girl's pussy. It's
  never dirty, always clean. In giving thrills,
  never mean. But it's the best I've ever seen,
  it's my girl's pussy."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheeky_song_from_1931_My_Girls_Pussy


  >> Streaker Fail <<
  The simple lols are the best lols.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Streaker_Fail


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Education system gone to the dogs
  
  Clearly so, as now you can do a course in
  'dogging'. Still, why you'd do a university
  course to watch old people fucking is anyone's
  guess - simply install CCTV in your parents'
  bedroom, like we did.
http://www.vu.edu.au/courses/dogging


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: BORED OBSERVATION OF THE WEEK
  Swapping the word 'black' to 'ginger' makes
  things sound ridiculous. 

  * "Fear of a Ginger Planet by Public Enemy."
     (via @dotmund)

  * "...pot calling the kettle ginger" (via
     @betsymartian)

  * "Winston Churchill by his own admission was
     often visited by the ginger dog of
     depression." (via @joemuggs)

  * "...and as Ginger Rod approaches the chamber
     of the House..." (via @joemuggs)


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: MINI MUSIC FESTIVAL IN MEMORY OF NINA/JESSIE
  Purplestock
  
  Kerry Mountain writes, "Charity music festival
  in memory of my girlfriend, Jan 29th 2011 in
  Derby."
http://www.purplestock.net


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Jobs Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make boring jobs
  interesting.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HULK - another dull day at the office
  enlivened by an unusual vistor (maninthespoon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10304164

  * POST - children's TV favourite Postman Pat
  gets a modern urban makeover (The Twisted
  Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10301606

  * COCK - painting the Forth Bridge is an endless
  task. Here's a way to brighten up the job
  (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10299717

   All these images, and the highest as voted by
   you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jobs/


  >> New challenge: Ghosts! <<
  They're everywhere, and yet they're nowhere. Or
  are they? This week's challenge is a single word
  classic: Ghosts! Thanks to The Magic of Chutney
  for the suggestion (that we sat on for two
  years, he he.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #2
  Cameron Truth, Star Map, Homeless Appliances

  >> David Cameron remix challenge <<
  "I downloaded David Cameron's New Year podcast
  from number10.gov.uk, then cut 'n' pasted until
  he sounded more truthful," chirps jaunty
  jarad75.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/David_Cameron_remix_challenge


  >> Make your own star map <<
  "I built a massive star map!" brags Mr Trick.
  "By gutting an old fibre-optic Christmas tree,
  adding a frame, lots of LEDs and putting in
  dozens of hours of tedious work, you too can
  have the night sky in your bedroom. Or open a
  window, if you're the lazy type."
http://www.instructables.com/id/Star-Map/


  >> Homeless droids <<
  "I think at this time of year it's important to
  remember these poor droids," opines frazer.
  "After the excitement of Christmas and the
  purchasing of shiny new helpers, spare a
  thought for the many old units that now find
  themselves cast out into the streets."
http://www.homelessdroids.com/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TANS GIVING UP DRINK - Booze is fuel to
  B3ta. Like cars need petrol, Gary Glitter needs
  kiddy porn, B3tans need drink. So we salute 
  brave fools The Log Knows and Monty Props in
  their attempt to not drink for a year and raise
  money for charity. Money goes to the Stroke
  Association (wanking) and Bi-Polar which is a
  dangerous plan to buy polar bears for Kerry Katona.
http://www.justgiving.com/Monty-Propps/
http://www.justgiving.com/Esther-Harvey/


  * THE REAL STORY BEHIND MENTALS IN THE NEWS - 
  "Hi B3ta", writes Pat, "It's Pat, Joel's mate
  and guitar man in what used to be 7 Seconds of
  Love. Hope you are well! Anyway have you heard
  of a man called Phil Zimmerman? He was in the
  Sun last week for allegedly attacking pregnant
  Amanda Holden whilst pretending to be a pigeon,
  when he auditioned for Britain's Got Talent. He
  didn't do it, all lies! He just looks scary and
  she panicked. I've been filming things with Phil
  for a while because... there is something
  strangely compelling about his crazy anarchist
  rants.  He recently wrote a 9-page letter to
  Boris Johnson about how much he hates Oyster
  cards. So here he is ranting about the
  internet." Intense stuff - we're glad this guy is
  bothering Amanda Holden and not us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHiaqaIrXpM


  * HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ONLINE ADDICTION -
  MgPerkins writes, "With regards to stickyfiddles
  enquiry in the last newsletter I think he may
  find the 'leechblock' add-on for firefox a
  perfect tool for restricting internet fun. It's
  the only way I ever manage to actually do any
  research!"
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/4476/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Tealy & Orangey
  
  Freakyzoid writes, "I've been spending my
  evenings recently working on a challenging
  little flash puzzle platformer called Tealy &
  Orangey that I thought your readers might like.
  The idea is that you control two coloured orbs,
  and have to get them both to the end zones. As
  the levels progress various hazards are added,
  and there are a few other twists. In total
  there are 20 levels, and currently it seems to
  take players around half an hour to forty-five
  minutes to complete. It saves your progress
  through levels as well - it's intended to be
  one of those little lunch-break type
  diversions, which I think might suit b3tans
  pretty well."

  This game is smart. Freakyzoid should make an
  iPhone version and cash-in.
http://www.mainlyaboutgames.co.uk/tealyorangey/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your muff.

  Things we'd really like to wee include

  * IPHONE AP 33/45 - a switch to play all your
  MP3s at the wrong speed.

  * TALKY BOLLOCKS - we have a fantasy that we
  invite interesting people to our shed, people
  listen to them from our garden, we film it, & we
  call it "SHED | talks"

  * SEXY TIME - Should someone want to do a
  literary award for the sub-genre of sex worker
  confessionals - we've got a name for it: The
  Hooker Booker prize.
  
  Shit through our cyber-letterbox and pretend
  we're Nick Clegg:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look at
  everything you send us.


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  Relate:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Nexus:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Punkygirl, chocolatelemming,
  Fishcat, pantheruk2358, WiL, thick as a brick,
  Darklord, @TheMichaelMoran, @hellokinsella,
  laura jordan bambach, glynhandley, scaryduck,
  Simon Laird, @thewub, ed.siteman, Jalf
  Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
  Subjlols via @emma_pepparkaka.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. 
  

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  TOP TIP:
  Webmasters at eBay! You may as well remove the
  'keep me signed in for today' checkbox from the
  login screen as it seems to serve no fucking
  purpose whatsoever.

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