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NEWSLETTER: "IMPLANT JOKES ARE THE BREAST ONES. BUT CAN GO TITS UP."

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This Week:
* VID - Magic Otter translated
* SFX - Make your own 8-bit sounds
* APP - B3ta on your iPhone

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      'We're typing
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       SAVE "WEB.BAS"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         ...together'

B3ta dirty protest 463 - 21 Jan 2011

Read this issue via the HTTP protocol:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue463/

    Subscribbles:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
UnSubscribbles:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? It's yours assuming you want to
  bung us some cash.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Otters, Cats, Darth Vader and Horses

  >> Magic Otter - The Translation <<
  We're loving Slurpy J's voiceovers the memes of
  the week. We particularly enjoyed The Great
  Soprendo in the shape of an otter. Plus cat v
  washing machine. Like Walk on the Wild Side but,
  you know, actually good.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Otter_The_Translation
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Washing_Machine_The_Translation


  >> Vader has some free time <<
  The Dark Lord of the Sith kills some time in his
  little techno-pod. Circa 1982. Black Moon wins
  50 points for extended amusing geekery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Vader_has_some_free_time


  >> Horse with hands riding a bike <<
  Horses are hard to draw, hands are hard to draw
  and so are bikes. What better test of what makes
  a man than to attempt all three? Hero of
  Switzerland, we salute you.
http://horsewithhandsridingabike.blogspot.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bullshit and Bullshitters

  Last week we asked for your experiences of the
  sort of fantasists who joined the army at the
  age of 12, shagged three hundred women and don't
  sit at home on their mum's computer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/

  * PSEUDO KRAY TWIN TWATS -  "Two brothers I used
  to be in Sixth Form with were convinced they
  were the rural West-Midlands equivalent of the
  Krays. This mainly manifested itself through
  low-level thievery and boasting about 'Drugs,
  computer games that aren't out yet, anything
  mate... we can even get you a shotgun.' A few
  lads in the year actually believed them and
  pooled their money to buy a shitload of weed
  ('top quality, mate, best you can buy. Bands
  send up from London for it... honest') Next week
  comes around. No weed. 'Yeah - we haven't been
  round our man's yet. He's been having problems
  with the pigs and he's got to lay low. Take it
  easy.' End of the week. Still no weed. Some of
  the lads ask for their money back. It's not
  forthcoming. This being a small town - we
  quickly find out from someone's mum who's a
  copper, that the brothers had been robbed on a
  local estate where they'd driven in their mum's
  car and asked the first dodgy-looking bloke if
  he could get them some weed. They had agreed to
  HAND HIM THE MONEY while he disappeared into the
  estate to pick up the drugs. Naturally, he'd
  just fucked off. The best bit about it? They'd
  reported it to the the police, and, after some
  gentle prompting from a astute PC, admitted that
  they had indeed been trying to buy drugs. The
  older of the two had broken down crying because
  he was convinced that he was going to get a
  criminal record and wouldn't be able to get on
  the catering course at the local college. They
  both ended up having to get jobs in the local
  supermarket to pay back the lost money... which
  isn't very Gangsta when you think about it."
  (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * MR MAKEY-UPPY - "Not so long ago the company
  for which I work hired an outside company to do
  some work for us. It was all fine, except for
  one guy who would never, ever, under any
  circumstances admit he didn't know something.
  When faced with a situation where he felt he
  might show weakness by admitting ignorance, he
  would either bluster for Britain or (more
  usually) make up something or other that sounded
  credible to him. This works in some types of
  business but not when you need a precise
  technical answer. I was bitching about this
  idiot in the pub one evening but not doing a
  great job of explaining to one of my Romanian
  colleagues who didn't know what I meant by this
  "bullshitting". "Okay," says I. "I'll give you
  an example through the medium of role play." I
  closed my eyes and, channelling Stanislavsky,
  assumed the part of the fantasist contractor.
  "Now, ask me a question to which I don't know
  the answer." "Pineapplecharm," she said. "Are
  you gay?" (pineapplecharm)
     
  * GREEDY, CHILDISH LIES - "I used to love Sugar
  Puffs, but found that the box didn't last nearly
  long enough. So I told my brother that Sugar
  Puffs were actually 'shaved bees', and soon
  after discovered that a box would last much
  longer. (Lord & Lady Pants)


  >> This Week: DIY Surgery <<
  Too embarrassed to go to the doctor with that
  infection you picked up on holiday? Too manly to
  ask for help? Do it yourself, it can't be that
  hard, surely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/


-------------------------------------------------

: BUY JOEL'S NEW ALBUM
  It's "hammy"

  Veitch writes, "It's called The Ham Machine -
  the name and cover art being a very clever
  tribute to kraftwerk for the 3 people who'll
  get the joke - with some 7 Seconds of Love
  stuff and a bunch of rathergood stuff, some old
  classics and a bunch of new. 41 tracks! that's
  fucking loads! " BTW: Is that Mrs CR3 we spot
  on the cover, wearing bacon? Oh yes.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004I27H3Y/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEFS
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Make your own 8-bit game SFX <<
  Sound effect generator 'sfxr' rebuilt in Flash.
  Ideal for making percussion noises for your
  latest chiptune epic.
http://superflashbros.net/as3sfxr/


  >> Lighter fun <<
  Fun. With lighters. Now, we don't want to over
  sell it, but this may well be the best thing
  ever.
http://your-free-pictures.net/lighter-fun.html


  >> Old school shitty web design <<
  These was a time when stuff like this made us
  angry, now we just feel nostalgic.
http://www.webking.com/
  

  >> 3D Paintings on glass <<
  Cute idea - paint the different 'slices' of an
  images on different panes of glass and stick
  them all together. Eerie effect.
http://goo.gl/Pzggz


  >> Abandoned Russian space shuttle project <<
  If you're stuck for tourist ideas, then you
  could do worse.  
http://goo.gl/NiflF


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IPHONE APP
  If you don't want to use Safari, use this:

  Hurrah - it's B3ta app, written by Jon Grant.
  Basically, use this if your mobile network has
  blocked our site for its "mild/infrequent crude
  humour and references to drink and tobacco use". 
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/b3ta/id400451018?mt=8

  BTW: This is project built by a site member
  rather than a 100% official thing. So don't send
  us bug reports but give them directly to Jon at:
http://twitter.com/jon4009

  BTW2: Don't moan to us about Android. If you
  want that then you're going to have to build it.
  Any takers?


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Vids for me, myself and WiFi

  >> GTA4 with the friction turned off <<
  A vision of the future when we've all got
  computer controlled cars then some shit writes a
  virus to make them all drive like a mental?
  Actually made us cough with laughter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GTA4_with_the_friction_turned_off


  >> Fox News on Trolls <<
  We're unsure watching this who is trolling who.
  It's quite possible that Fox is trolling the
  entire internet with this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL599MlNVzY

  
  >> If ad agencies did birthday parties <<
  Although this assumes a higher opinion of ad
  agencies' abilities than we currently hold - we
  once sat on an industry awards thing where one
  (nameless) agency had paid £1k to enter and
  submitted their work which consisted of some
  vandalism of Wikipedia that lasted 20 minutes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_ad_agencies_did_birthday_parties


  >> This year's Snakes on a Plane? <<
  It's the trailer for a film about a killer tyre
  with telekinetic powers. It can only be
  amazing. Or shit.
http://goo.gl/rRyMs


  >> Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You' (in sign language) <<
  This girl has got the moves. She's well def.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cee_Lo_Greens_Fuck_You_signed_copy


  >> I'm on crack <<
  We've never taken crack, but after watching this
  video we wonder if we're missing out. It looks
  utterly fab.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_on_crack


-------------------------------------------------

  11:11 MEMORABLE DIGITAL TIMES
  Because some numbers are just noticeable

  We find certain times really ping out from
  digital clocks, and once we start noticing them
  it feel like we notice them everyday. This is
  how people go mad and get obsessed with the
  number 23 and stuff. But hopefully we're not
  actually insane, and the Mi5 aren't really using
  to send us secret messages.

  * 11:11 -  "There's a whole whackjob movement to
  the 11:11 thing. if you google it you will be
  cursing the nutters within minutes." (@cs192)
  Also @Toastertron points out, "Better get the
  insurance sorted then because your cock will
  explode with excitement come 11/11/11 at
  11:11:11"

  * 12:34 - "Always worth staring at the clock for
  an extra few seconds! Also 23:45" (via @rsracing)

  * 13:37 - L33t o clock. We've even been known to
  screengrab this on our phones and then feel a
  bit tragic. @vidjam writes, "Absolutely, I too
  am drawn by powers beyond my comprehension to
  look at clocks at exactly 13:37."

  * 0:07 - "Desmond Dekker Time. And James Bond is
  putting it in now." (@tim_gillespie)

  * 8:08  - "Always gets me in a State" (@steand)


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  We are all in the gutter, but some of us are
  looking up skirts
  
  * PHEEDOS - Say what you like about paedophiles,
  well you can actually. It's not like anyone's
  going to say, "I'm a paedophile and I'm offended
  by that"
http://www.pheedo.com/


  * FLAPPY FUN - Dr Mexico writes, "My friend's mum
  says that the funny name thing in the newsletter
  is the best bit. This is a funny name for a
  book."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0781774926/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: PURPLESTOCK REMINDER
  Concert for Jessie / Nina

  Kerry Mountain writes, "Any chance of a final
  mention for #Purplestock in the newsletter?
  Ta!" Ok then, PurpleStock will take place at the
  Old Bell Hotel, Sadler Gate, Derby on Saturday
  29 January 2011 at 15:00 and will go on until 3
  o'clock Sunday morning.
http://www.purplestock.net


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Ghosts Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to get all poltergeisty
  on our ass

 Your favourites included:

 * BIRDS - heavyweight punnage featuring flocking
 phantoms (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305149

 * DIANA - in which the people's princess makes an
 unexpected appearance (ALBIONISM)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305833

 * PILLS - Pacman meets Indiana Jones in a
 ghoulish Hollywood mash-up (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305292

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/


  >> New challenge: Pointless USB Devices <<
  Invent the most pointless devices to make USB
  compatible. Thanks to brown-wings for the
  suggestion.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/


-------------------------------------------------


: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ALBUM HOLE 2 - last year many of you
  contributed to the album project of B3tan songs -
  this year it's going to be even bigger.
  DaveExclamationMark is organising it.
http://goo.gl/X7DNe


  * KUNTY THANKS - carl_bailey writes, "Just
  thought I'd say thanks to B3ta for their 'Kunt
  for No.1' Christmas campaign. Saw him yesterday,
  as a result of finding out about him through
  lurking like a scary paedo on your website - and
  he was fucking hilarious! :D"


  * DIRTY MAC BRIGADE - seamusbourke helpfully
  suggests, "If anyone with a Mac is having self
  control problems with the internet, Self Control
  seemingly blocks whatever you put on your black
  list, and so far seems to be foolproof. You can
  also change your hosts file, but that can be
  undone too, and this doesn't change hosts, but
  blocks site anyway."
http://visitsteve.com/made/selfcontrol/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Webby style Advance Wars

  Matt 'Grim...' Squirrel writes, "It does seem
  terribly ungentlemanly for my first suggestion
  for the newsletter to have been something I did
  myself, but there you go. Basically, it's a copy
  of everyone's favorite turn-based war game
  Advance Wars on the DS, but on the Internet,
  with cows. It's in beta at the moment (heh), but
  it's perfectly playable and, if I do say so
  myself, ace."
http://www.space-cows.co.uk 


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something wicked, fresh or fly and tell us
  about it. If you are in it then you'll get
  respec' in your hood. Nuff said.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * SHOES THAT CAN'T STEP IN DOG SHIT - not sure
  how this could work, but please someone solve
  this dreadful curse on our quality footware.

  * AN EASY SYSTEM FOR ESTIMATING POSTAL CHARGES -
  currently flogging a few things on eBay and
  simply have no idea what the post office is
  going to charge until we turn up.

  * A PILL THAT MADE PEOPLE STAY PHYSICALLY ABOUT
  AGED 30 FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES - as we've
  concluded that's about the best age. Not too old
  you look shit, and not too young that nobody
  takes you seriously. Enjoy being 30, kids.

  Send your e-turds via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: I'm going to give myself a huge pat on the
  back. But then I'm a contortionist, into scat
  and also a cow. Moo.

-------------------------------------------------

  Winners:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Whingers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by artfulglv19,
  @aleczandah, SnowyTheRabbit, MeekMan, Manic,
  oAmadeuso, Matt Round, Damocles, loki7.co.uk,
  jingle_man and Avast. Top Tippery by
  stonersmurf. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Bourbon Fox.

  
-------------------------------------------------

  BONUS LINKY!

  If you've got a mirror you can goatse up the new
  50p design.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311367
  
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Save yourself the bother of reading these Top
  Tips by buying a copy of Viz, you bunch of
  fucking cheapskates.

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