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NEWSLETTER: "GOING TO WAR IN THE MIDDLE-EAST, CAUSE IT WENT SO WELL LAST TIME"

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This Week:
* PARTY - in *your* room
* KATE & WILLS - misprint mugs?
* BABIES - not laughing

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're queering the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      pitch... together"

B3ta email 471 - 18 Mar 2011

Read this issue in your rented hovel:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue471/

      Yuan:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Yen: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SOLVE YOUR TELLY WITH 3VIEW
  (sponsored linky)

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  find geeky ways of fixing up your PC to your TV
  but wouldn't it be better to have it all in
  once nice box with a remote? The price? £299?
  No, even cheaper! The first 50 B3ta Newsletter
  subscribers can have £100 discount by entering
  the code b3ta1503 - strictly one per household.
http://www.3view.com/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Party, Kit Kat and Greggs

  >> Party in my room <<
  "I went away to India for six months last
  autumn," explains robm79. "Whilst I was away,
  one of my best mates lived in my flat looking
  after it for me. When I got back from the
  airport last week there was a note on my coffee
  table to press play and this video came on the
  TV." Possibly NSFW due to supermoon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Party_in_my_room


  >> Giant KitKat Chunky <<
  "I was hungry," says corruptia. "So I made this.
  And now I'm diabetic."
http://f1a.me/b2jkr


  >> The Greggs Adventure <<
  "I'm attempting to eat and review every product
  sold at Greggs," moans jgroome. "More than one
  person has said that I'm well on course for a
  heart attack before I hit 30. I say that if
  forcing my body to consume fatty or otherwise
  unhealthy food just to write a blog is wrong
  then I don't want to be right."
http://greggsadventure.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bodge Jobs

  Last week we told you that if it wasn't fixable
  with a hammer, it wasn't worth fixing. We were
  wrong. Apparently it's possible to fix** things
  with fireworks too:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/

  * "In order to plug in the microwave, the
  kettle, the toaster and the coffee machine in
  the tiny office kitchen, we had a four way
  trailing socket. The problem was, it wasn't
  attached to anything and sort of hung in space,
  suspended from the various cables plugged into
  it. This was deemed dangerous, as accidentally
  snagging it would likely pull the kettle off the
  work surface onto the person making tea. We
  taped it flush against the wall, but it got
  knocked free. Then we put the kettle on top of
  the microwave, so it hung down by the microwave,
  only slightly out of the way; equally
  cumbersome. Something had to be done. We called
  the maintenance guy. He turned up, unplugged the
  kettle, pulled the microwave out, revealing two
  wall sockets, and plugged the kettle into one of
  them. He then looked at us like we were idiots
  and walked out. He was kind of right."
  (SnowyTheRabbit)
	 
  * "Men! If a long winter evening tempts you to
  try a bit of kinky sex and you are about to use
  that ever-handy duct tape as an impromptu gag,
  here is a tip: as it is applied, compress your
  lips together. Hard. Otherwise, when your snog-
  hungry partner rips that gag off, the hair will
  suddenly get removed from your upper lip AND a
  good deal of your lips will be forcibly torn off
  your very face. A bodged waxing might be
  bearable, but let me be clear: having your lips
  torn off is not. You will scream, you will
  convulse, you will knee your partner right in
  the claggies and you will spend the rest of the
  evening in chilly silence while you slowly
  bleed. Just sayin'." (IChewCandlewax)
	 
  * "It's Gaffer Tape, not Duck Tape, not Duct
  Tape, not Fucked Tape. Beware inferior rip-offs.
  Proper gaffer tape holds the entire music
  business together. Without it, live performances
  simply couldn't happen. I've seen it used to:
  hold a mic-stand together; hem trousers; gather
  slack cloth; attach a $20,000 special effects
  light to a vertical brick wall and, in one
  lovely instance, provide uplift and a cleavage
  to a less-than-well-endowed backing singer.
  However, the ultimate gaffer tape award goes to
  the genius who taped a promoter's Porsche onto a
  wall. It did involve the entire crew, a forklift
  and TWO rolls of tape, but they got it done.
  Wimps. I could have done it with one." (Legless)
  ** nearly kill people


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Anyone who not only voluntarily takes on our
  kids for the day, but also attempts to teach
  them something useful deserves our respect. Tell
  us about the teachers that inspired you, made
  you laugh or merely set fire to the science lab:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Harry + Kate Middleton wedding mug <<
  This printing mistake cup is everywhere this
  week but we're suspicious we're being played for
  mugs by cunning people who know exactly what
  they're doing. A quick check on Companies House
  finds a number of opportunistic businesses
  registered to the same North Finchley address
  including Cantpaymybills.co.uk, Can Support It
  Limited, Powerflush King and Sex Toy Shippers.
http://bit.ly/dO8Q4X
  
  
  >> Mien Kampf sequel <<
  Did you know Hitler wrote an unpublished sequel
  to Mein Kampf in which he predicts a British
  Empire / Nazi union in 1980 to defeat the USA?
  Nor did we until reading Wikipedia. BTW: If
  Russell Brand was a despot with plans to lead
  the Aryan race to global rule he might have
  called his autobiography My Struggle Wuggle.
http://goo.gl/V5f5e


  >> Bestest Lennon interview ever <<
  Lennon doing politics has been widely dismissed
  as laughable, but have you ever read his early
  70s Marxist interview? Fascinating stuff that's
  rather been swept away. We particularly like the
  bit where he predicted the coming destruction of
  the working class, "They think they are in a
  wonderful, free-speaking country. They've got
  cars and tellies and they don't want to think
  there's anything more to life. They should
  realise that the blacks and the Irish are being
  harassed and repressed and that they will be
  next."
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/carousel/pob12.html


  >> Who needs the full story? << 
  Headlines conjure the strangest images,
  apparently. At least, they do in @ericwedum's
  world. Add some twisted but vivid imagination
  and you end up with mental pictures that may
  well look something like these. Just remember,
  reading the tiny text with the detail is for
  wimps. Safe for work, but keep the eBay search
  for mind bleach on standby. 
http://f-ckyeahheadlines.com/


  >> World in 2000, as predicted in 1910 <<
  Looking back at looking forward has always been
  a popular pursuit, even if it doesn't make up
  for the lack of flying cars and domestic robots.
  Villemard's 1910 picture postcards both over-
  and under-estimate advances.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2011/03/world-in-2000/


  >> Jim Davidson no longer racist?! <<
  Somebody very very smart is currently advising
  Jim Davidson. What's he famous for? Racism. What
  is unacceptable in current society? Racism.
  Therefore why not write a book and a play about
  how you learned not to be a racist? Genius. And
  Christ, you couldn't make the cover up.
http://bit.ly/hhtfA9


  >> Rebecca Black analysis <<
  If you're one of those people who refer to
  Rebecca Black's seminal masterpiece 'Friday' as
  THAT FUCKING SONG, perhaps you haven't looked
  deep enough for its subtle brilliance? Best
  philosophical analysis we've seen.
http://bit.ly/fzOtoe 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Weak sub-headline joke goes here.

  >> Kraut Rock <<
  When German government ministers resign they
  have a military ceremony and get to choose the
  music. Minister of Defence Karl-Theodor zu
  Guttenberg quit after the web found out he
  plagiarised his PhD thesis, and then ordered
  AC/DC from the army band. They wouldn't do it,
  but were happy to parp out a cover of Smoke on
  the Water, lit by flaming torches. When Michael
  Gove goes we want the Grenadier Guards doing
  Prince's Sexy MF on horseback, underwater.
http://goo.gl/ThwIT


  >> Mum's head is exploding!! ...Oh hang on.. <<
  Loads of adverts use laughing babies to hook us
  in. It's something in our genes, probably; happy
  sprogs make us happy too. What they don't show
  is the out-takes where they stare in terror like
  they've seen whatever the baby version of James
  Corden is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mums_head_is_exploding_oh_hang_on


  >> Why London's road systems are so crap <<
  A proper documentary, like what you might see on
  TV, about the abandoned plans and botch-jobs
  that gridlocked London and resulted in the
  circle of hell that is the M25. Includes naked
  moobs, a vomiting Thatcher and a bit where he
  draws on his monitor with a felt tip. You don't
  get that from BBC Four.
http://goo.gl/jw9KN


  >> The Mario Movie as it should have been <<
  Forget the misguided 90s effort, this trailer
  quite clearly shows the Mario franchise for what
  it is - nothing but a disturbing descent into a
  drug-induced hell. The moustache is still
  glorious, however.
http://goo.gl/MsMkn


  >> I want to sax you up <<
  Sexy sax player Sergio Flores terrorises
  innocent LA shoppers with the saxophone part
  from George Michael's Careless Whisper, complete
  with authentic 80s mullet and leather gear.
  Starts to get brilliant around the one minute
  mark.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexysaxmansaxagrams_com


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Don't be meano to The Beano

  Check out the name of the guy who edited the
  Beano between 1984 and 2006, you'll have to
  scroll to the middle, or maybe CTRL F for 'Kerr'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12770341


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Baddies Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to introduce film
  baddies to TV sitcoms:

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HOGAN - beta bandwagon meme explosion glory
  triumph (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359178

  * MERCILESS - space-age despot moves from Mongo
  to Texas (okyosexwhale)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10360868

  * NAZIS - French Resistance Nazi caper
  celebration (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359230


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/


  >> New challenge: The Internet Olympics <<
  It's the Internet Olympics. What events would be
  included? Who would take part? Who would win?
  Tell us, using the sporting prowess of
  Photoshop. Challenge suggested by gaylord
  stinchcomb.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FUGLY BEARS - "I was perusing eBay one day and
  saw someone selling a bag of false teeth,"
  writes Smaldini. "I pondered this for a while,
  thinking about all the reasons someone one might
  buy them, and laughing at the idea of someone
  buying them to add to soft toys. And then I
  thought, sod it, why not become that woman? The
  answer is, apparently, because practically
  nobody wants to buy teddy bears with artificial
  human teeth."
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/45221213


  * HELP THE GUARDIAN FORUM EXILES - "The Guardian
  newspaper ran a discussion forum called 'The
  Talk' for over 10 years," explains
  JohnnytheSailor. "A couple of weeks ago they
  shut it down in mysterious circumstances without
  any warning leaving nearly 1,000 regular
  posters, including me, bereft.

  "I sat down and started writing a replacement
  and put it live 48 hours after the closure.
  We've been going for a couple of weeks now and
  I've had over 600,000 hits so far but without
  new members we will wither and die!"

  'Mysterious circumstances' sounds enticingly
  juicy, although it probably means 'ran out of
  money': seemingly the reason for everything
  these days.
http://talk.notthetalk.com


  * BRISTOL QUO - If you thought the Illuminati
  controlled everything, and hinted at this by
  hiding images in American currency and the like,
  you obviously aren't aware of the power of b3ta.
  Darkgreen has discovered a b3ta meme lurking in
  the banner of the Bristol Is Green website,
  right there on the harbour. Blimey.
http://www.bristolgreencapital.org/green-capital


  * DEATH METAL WASHING MACHINE - "Re: music games
  from last week's newsletter - I downloaded Sound
  Hound for my phone, which appears to use some
  sort of weird dark arts hocus-pocus to recognise
  music," confesses sandettie light vessel
  automatic. "After testing it on various radio
  stations, I tried it on my knackered old washing
  machine during the rinse cycle. It came up as
  'Open Arms to Damnation' by Born of Osiris. Yes,
  it seems my washing machine is a tribute act to
  the hardcore death-metal scene." This has
  inspired us to go round the house, testing which
  bands our appliances are covering.


  * MUSIC VID INSPIRED BY NEWSLETTER - "I made a
  music video based on the Glide2 video that was
  in the newsletter," intones HCowling. "We did
  two takes at it, in the second one the station
  guards are in the film shutting us down so we
  couldn't use it." This is a lovely thing,
  although the actual platform must have been
  total mayhem.
http://goo.gl/PG0JL


  * MUTATED MONTY ON ADULT SWIM - "Here is it, in
  case anyone is interested and can't watch the
  channel," grunts the great man.
http://goo.gl/4e3LW


  * MUTATED MONTY RIPPED OFF BADLY - "Here's an
  amusingly terrible rip-off of one of my videos,"
  smirks mutated monty. "I was emailed about this
  by someone who had to work on it. I'm guessing
  since they nicked the music as well they weren't
  expecting many people to actually see it, which
  is probably a good thing judging from the
  inherent shitness of the result."
http://goo.gl/FSTpy


  * "WATCH MY BROTHER'S FILM!!!" implores
  old-school b3tan barryheadwound. "My brother is
  a writer. Over a decade ago he had an idea for a
  film. Nothing overly revolutionary, but a solid
  romantic comedy in good keeping with British
  film-making tradition. Today, the concept that
  my bro came up with 10 years ago hits the
  screens in nearly 400 cinemas nationally. Hell
  yeah!

  "He's got a blog too. Quite an interesting look
  at the process from script to screen."
http://goo.gl/3aT5G


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Blind man's cuppa

  Close your eyes and attempt to make a cup of
  tea. Points for not ending up in hospital.


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GEORGE MICHAEL PROTEST - We've been vaguely
  wondering about recording a very slow version of
  Faith by George Michael with OTT autotune/chorus
  effects. But can't be arsed. Can you?

  * ALL THE INTROS OF NUMBER ONES OF THE 90S - PJ
  writes, "Ages ago you asked someone to mp3-up
  the first 10 seconds of every number one of the
  80s, and they did. I still listen to it, and
  still taunt my friends with it. Can you make a
  similar appeal for someone to do one for the 90s
  or 00s?"

  * COMMENTS FOR THE STORIES WITHOUT COMMENTS ON
  NEWS SITES - lots of stories on the Guardian
  don't have comments enabled. Sometimes this is
  for staffing reasons, other times it's because
  of legal issues. Make a site that scans for
  these articles and adds a comment button. If you
  want to minimise legal issues, host it in a
  "data haven". 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data_haven


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Red nose:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  God knows:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by LordManley,
  malcolmcoles, mastercucumber, disco_doctor,
  matthaswell.co.uk, @Kodabar, stubbledchin,
  Newsletter additional writing via Twitter chums
  at: Jon Bounds, stephenfrizfrizzle, Jared Earle,
  Michael Connor, @orbrey, Oolong, Giles Goddard,
  nick foister, Carolyn O'Reilly. Top Tippery by
  sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Paul_P. 
  

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  TOP TIP:
  Make people say "Well, it's certainly different"
  by serving them carrot cake that's been made
  with parsnips instead of carrots.

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