NEWSLETTER: "'QUOTES OFF THE INTERNET MAY NOT BE GENUINE' - ABRAHAM LINCOLN"
"'Quotes off the internet may not be genuine' - Abraham Lincoln"
This Week:
* BABY HUMAN - sneezes
* DEATH STAR - his idea
* HARRY - meets new Sally
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're eating the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cheese... together"
Amsphone printout 474 - 8 Apr 2011
Tattoo this issue on your face it's that good:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue474/
Sex: [email protected]
Unsex: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
What Bret Easton "American Psycho" Ellis did next
How morally corrupt are you? Play THE DEVIL IN
YOU with Bret Easton Ellis.
http://www.thedevilinyou.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Do you love us? Do you really? Then divert your
company funds to our pockets. That's a love.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bridges, Babies, Cyborgs and Death Stars
>> Tower Bridge - HDR Interactive Panorama <<
Jansenmann writes, "I've been playing with
panoramic HDR photography recently and am pretty
pleased with the results of this one." We love
things like this, as it's like being right there
on the scene, with super-vision and a crippling
inner-ear infection. Fullscreen it.
http://www.vandok.co.uk/towerbridge/
>> Sneezing Baby Human <<
"I made this for the BBC's 'Funny in 15 Seconds'
competition," claims MattSatOnTheCat. Classic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sneezing_Baby_Human
>> Cyborg Wars Is Coming! <<
"We've been making Cyborg Warriors. Have a
butcher's!" quips Joel Veitch, of his
terrifying, meat-based Robot Wars.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cyborg_Wars_Is_Coming
>> The Death Star was MY idea <<
"TK-421 use to hate walking door to door, trying
to find the droids he was looking for," explains
Newcott. "Then it hit him!" Lovely bit of
Windows 7 parodyage.
http://goo.gl/xBFm0
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: ISPOT TOYS
30 bestest toys according to YOUR votes
In the final of three recent I Spots your
newsletter team has produced for E4 comes our
silly opinions and jokes on the toys of our
childhood. BTW: B3tans totally gamed the vote.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/ispot-toys/index.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Irrational Hatred
Ridiculous, petty hatred of ridiculously petty
things? On the Interweb? You don't say:
http://b3ta.com/questions/irrationalhatred/
* BACK DOOR KEYS - "Those big 'back door' style
keys, with a metal bit at the end and bits cut
out. My upper front teeth could slide into one
of those gaps and get snapped off. Every time I
see such a key I cringe and wrap my tongue
around my teeth in case the key attacks them.
I've even been known to place a hand over my
mouth until the key is safely out of sight. Just
a photo of one can set me off. Why? I dunno. I'm
sitting here now anxiously checking my front
teeth with my tongue and occasionally patting my
lips to make sure no rogue back door keys can
sneak in there. Urrgh." (Juan Quar)
* DRAGONS DEN - "Dragons live in lairs for
fuck's sake." (sittingduck)
* SPERM - "Why can't I have some pleasurable
private moments without making such such a mess,
what the fuck is it for?" (Ring Of Fire)
>> This Week's Question: Creepy stuff <<
What's the creepiest thing you've seen, heard
or felt? What has sent shivers running up your
spine and skidmarks up your undercrackers?
Tell us, we'll make it all better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/creepy/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> We're all prostitutes now <<
An unwritten rule of society is that men pay for
lavish dates to get women into bed. Generally
it's left unsaid, as it sort of makes dating into
prostitution. So thankfully a website has come
forward and er... created a dating marketplace
where men list how much they are prepared to
spend on a date, and women list how much they
want. Wonderful. BTW: Our prices? Team
newsletter is already married but I don't think
we ever went above about £30 for a curry.
Classy.
http://www.whatsyourprice.com/
>> Weird psych test <<
One of those 'loads of questions then it
supposedly analyses you' things - we found the
questions troubling and thought-provoking but
the analysis facile, in a generic horoscope kind
of way. Basically we're saying, enjoy the crazy
questions.
http://bit.ly/fAeaXl
>> Sad stuff on the street <<
Round our way we often spot a single stiletto
shoe in the street and wonder if prostitutes are
getting murdered again. We reckon photos of such
would make a great tumblr blog, but have no
intention of doing it, in case people did get
murdered. And on a similar found-in-the-street
theme:
http://sadstuffonthestreet.com/
>> Old Cement Works Turned Workspace and Residence <<
With globalisation and the death of industry
we're obviously all super-fucked, but there are
abandoned factories to be turned into awesome
workspaces by architect Ricardo Bofill. BTW:
Ricardo Bofill designed the building 'Walden 7'
which is worth a google if you've never seen it.
http://goo.gl/5i0ux
>> Beady eye <<
An easy method to determine which eye is your
dominant eye, without ever having to go near an
optician. It's nothing to do with handedness -
you can be right-handed with a dominant left eye.
http://www.archeryweb.com/archery/eyedom.htm
>> We know where you live <<
If you use a smartphone to take a pic, then the
photo will often include data that shows where
it was taken. Point this clever bit of software
at someone's flickr or twitter pics and an
evil, stalkerish map of their movements will
appear.
http://bit.ly/fJJDcU
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
OMG! OMG! OMG! ITS A PUDDLE!!!!
An adorable deer is overjoyed to find a puddle.
Btw: Animals get up to this kind of hijinks all
day, while you're stuck at a desk looking at a
screen. It's no wonder some people like to shoot
at them.
http://goo.gl/qm9vz
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a flicker book but with stickier pages
>> Harry Met Sally Part Deux <<
This update of *that* scene from the classic 80s
romcom had us chortling ourselves silly. Meg is
gone and has been replaced by Helen Mirren - the
two of them are now festering in an old folks'
home. The gags keep on coming - genuinely
excellent comedy.
http://bit.ly/gUwBtY
>> Dustin Hoffman loves stovies <<
As everyone knows, Hollywood actors never allow
carbs to touch their lips, eschewing such
peasant food products for protein shakes and
wheatgrass juices. Not so Dustin Hoffman, who
here professes his love for a type of stew
favoured by poor people in Scotland.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dustin_Hoffman_loves_sto...
>> Quoth the raven, "nevermore" <<
We've always been fans of talking birds and have
often considered installing a parrot in b3ta HQ.
But obviously a talking raven would be at least
1,000 times better.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/quoth_the_raven_nevermor...
>> How To Piss In Public <<
We think this piece of video only applies to
half the population, but it definitely offers
the chaps amongst us handy advice in an age when
public toilets are in decline. We liked the
'coffee cup/shout into your phone loudly' combo
and look forward to hearing from anyone who
fancies giving it a go. If you fancy videoing
yourself in full flow, then even better.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_To_Piss_In_Public
>> The Unrehearsed Voiceover Artist <<
We're bored of hearing Stephen Fry's plummy but
camp tones cropping up as the voice of pretty
much everything you could care to mention. We
think this guy does a much better job and loved
watching his collection of uniquely-voiced
videos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Unrehearsed_Voicover...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Unfunny every week since 1978
* AUTHORS WITH SILLY NAMES - Gerd Bohner and
Michaela Wanke, it's like a marriage made in
masturbation heaven.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/086377779...
* "BISHOPS AGREE SEX ABUSE RULES" - headline of
the week, and we're glad the the Church is
taking this stuff seriously.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/lolwhat
* PHALLIC ROYAL WEDDING SALT & PEPPER POTS -
although we hope (for Kate's sake) that the royal
member is more impressive.
http://twitpic.com/4hpaxu
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Old-Time Advert Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create imaginary
adverts from the olden days.
Your favourites included:
* CROISSANTS - brimful of buttery smugness since
1879 (Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10378309
* NAG - it's Jeremy the annoying horse, and he’s
just as annoying in sepia tint (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10378525
* COMPENDIUM - a stunning series of historically
accurate sales messages (ropie)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10381804
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oldadverts/
>> New challenge: Mythical Creatures <<
Dragons, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster,
Kelpies, whatever. What if they lived among us?
Can you imagine? We reckon you can. Challenge
suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mythicalcreatures/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BBC LOLS - The Beeb investigate the origins of
LOL, with the help of a couple of quotes from
Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12893416
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BAD ART TRASHING THE ROYAL WEDDING - A
pathetic display of snacks and royal wedding
mugs in the local Co-op has left us with the
urge to make bad art trashing the Royal Wedding.
So far our ideas have been pretty lame - we're
sure you can do much, much better.
* CAT CARBON DATING - We think the official b3ta
cat is 13 this summer, but because we got him as
an adult, this is very much an estimate. We
would love to find a way of accurately gauging
the age of a cat - the other option, of course,
would be to cut him open and count the rings.
* APP EXPLAINING CRAZY FOREIGN BRANDS - As
members of the nouveau poor, we often enjoy a
trip to the local branch of Lidl. But some of
the brands in there can be a bit confusing - are
they just unfamiliar but good quality or do they
taste like rotting donkey spooge? What could be
more useful than an app that lists which brands
are a bargain and which are for barfing?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Life: [email protected]
Death: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @davidnield,
@benjymous, Herb Alperts Taxi Driver,
UltimateMonkey, miltonlives, WiL, Frightguy,
John_Anon_Prince, @brokenscience, Jimmy Savlon,
@codepo8 @StuartJRitchie, Peter Davison,
@stevem2k, @mac_clare, Just Flange. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via betpet.
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