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NEWSLETTER: "'QUOTES OFF THE INTERNET MAY NOT BE GENUINE' - ABRAHAM LINCOLN"

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"'Quotes off the internet may not be genuine' - Abraham Lincoln"
This Week:
* BABY HUMAN - sneezes
* DEATH STAR - his idea
* HARRY - meets new Sally

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're eating the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       cheese... together"

Amsphone printout 474 - 8 Apr 2011

Tattoo this issue on your face it's that good:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue474/

         Sex:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Unsex:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  What Bret Easton "American Psycho" Ellis did next
  
  How morally corrupt are you? Play THE DEVIL IN
  YOU with Bret Easton Ellis.
http://www.thedevilinyou.com
 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Do you love us? Do you really? Then divert your
  company funds to our pockets. That's a love.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Bridges, Babies, Cyborgs and Death Stars

  >> Tower Bridge - HDR Interactive Panorama <<
  Jansenmann writes, "I've been playing with
  panoramic HDR photography recently and am pretty
  pleased with the results of this one." We love
  things like this, as it's like being right there
  on the scene, with super-vision and a crippling
  inner-ear infection. Fullscreen it.
http://www.vandok.co.uk/towerbridge/


  >> Sneezing Baby Human <<
  "I made this for the BBC's 'Funny in 15 Seconds'
  competition," claims MattSatOnTheCat. Classic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sneezing_Baby_Human


  >> Cyborg Wars Is Coming! <<
  "We've been making Cyborg Warriors. Have a
  butcher's!" quips Joel Veitch, of his
  terrifying, meat-based Robot Wars.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cyborg_Wars_Is_Coming


  >> The Death Star was MY idea <<
  "TK-421 use to hate walking door to door, trying
  to find the droids he was looking for," explains
  Newcott. "Then it hit him!" Lovely bit of
  Windows 7 parodyage.
http://goo.gl/xBFm0


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: ISPOT TOYS
  30 bestest toys according to YOUR votes

  In the final of three recent I Spots your
  newsletter team has produced for E4 comes our
  silly opinions and jokes on the toys of our
  childhood. BTW: B3tans totally gamed the vote.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/ispot-toys/index.html


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Irrational Hatred

  Ridiculous, petty hatred of ridiculously petty
  things? On the Interweb? You don't say:
http://b3ta.com/questions/irrationalhatred/

  * BACK DOOR KEYS - "Those big 'back door' style
  keys, with a metal bit at the end and bits cut
  out. My upper front teeth could slide into one
  of those gaps and get snapped off. Every time I
  see such a key I cringe and wrap my tongue
  around my teeth in case the key attacks them.
  I've even been known to place a hand over my
  mouth until the key is safely out of sight. Just
  a photo of one can set me off. Why? I dunno. I'm
  sitting here now anxiously checking my front
  teeth with my tongue and occasionally patting my
  lips to make sure no rogue back door keys can
  sneak in there. Urrgh." (Juan Quar)

  * DRAGONS DEN - "Dragons live in lairs for
  fuck's sake." (sittingduck)

  * SPERM - "Why can't I have some pleasurable
  private moments without making such such a mess,
  what the fuck is it for?" (Ring Of Fire)


  >> This Week's Question: Creepy stuff <<
  What's the creepiest thing you've seen, heard
  or felt? What has sent shivers running up your
  spine and skidmarks up your undercrackers?
  Tell us, we'll make it all better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/creepy/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> We're all prostitutes now <<
  An unwritten rule of society is that men pay for
  lavish dates to get women into bed. Generally
  it's left unsaid, as it sort of makes dating into
  prostitution. So thankfully a website has come
  forward and er... created a dating marketplace
  where men list how much they are prepared to
  spend on a date, and women list how much they
  want. Wonderful. BTW: Our prices? Team
  newsletter is already married but I don't think
  we ever went above about £30 for a curry.
  Classy. 
http://www.whatsyourprice.com/


  >> Weird psych test <<
  One of those 'loads of questions then it
  supposedly analyses you' things - we found the
  questions troubling and thought-provoking but
  the analysis facile, in a generic horoscope kind
  of way. Basically we're saying, enjoy the crazy
  questions.
http://bit.ly/fAeaXl


  >> Sad stuff on the street <<
  Round our way we often spot a single stiletto
  shoe in the street and wonder if prostitutes are
  getting murdered again. We reckon photos of such
  would make a great tumblr blog, but have no
  intention of doing it, in case people did get
  murdered. And on a similar found-in-the-street
  theme:
http://sadstuffonthestreet.com/


  >> Old Cement Works Turned Workspace and Residence <<
  With globalisation and the death of industry
  we're obviously all super-fucked, but there are
  abandoned factories to be turned into awesome
  workspaces by architect Ricardo Bofill. BTW:
  Ricardo Bofill designed the building 'Walden 7'
  which is worth a google if you've never seen it.
http://goo.gl/5i0ux


  >> Beady eye <<
  An easy method to determine which eye is your
  dominant eye, without ever having to go near an
  optician. It's nothing to do with handedness -
  you can be right-handed with a dominant left eye.
http://www.archeryweb.com/archery/eyedom.htm


  >> We know where you live <<
  If you use a smartphone to take a pic, then the
  photo will often include data that shows where
  it was taken. Point this clever bit of software
  at someone's flickr or twitter pics and an
  evil, stalkerish map of their movements will
  appear.
http://bit.ly/fJJDcU 


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  OMG! OMG! OMG! ITS A PUDDLE!!!!
  
  An adorable deer is overjoyed to find a puddle.
  Btw: Animals get up to this kind of hijinks all
  day, while you're stuck at a desk looking at a
  screen. It's no wonder some people like to shoot
  at them.
http://goo.gl/qm9vz


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a flicker book but with stickier pages

  >> Harry Met Sally Part Deux << 
  This update of *that* scene from the classic 80s
  romcom had us chortling ourselves silly. Meg is
  gone and has been replaced by Helen Mirren - the
  two of them are now festering in an old folks'
  home. The gags keep on coming - genuinely
  excellent comedy.
http://bit.ly/gUwBtY


  >> Dustin Hoffman loves stovies <<
  As everyone knows, Hollywood actors never allow
  carbs to touch their lips, eschewing such
  peasant food products for protein shakes and
  wheatgrass juices. Not so Dustin Hoffman, who
  here professes his love for a type of stew
  favoured by poor people in Scotland.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dustin_Hoffman_loves_stovies


  >> Quoth the raven, "nevermore" <<
  We've always been fans of talking birds and have
  often considered installing a parrot in b3ta HQ.
  But obviously a talking raven would be at least
  1,000 times better.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/quoth_the_raven_nevermore


  >> How To Piss In Public <<
  We think this piece of video only applies to
  half the population, but it definitely offers 
  the chaps amongst us handy advice in an age when
  public toilets are in decline. We liked the
  'coffee cup/shout into your phone loudly' combo
  and look forward to hearing from anyone who
  fancies giving it a go. If you fancy videoing
  yourself in full flow, then even better.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_To_Piss_In_Public


  >> The Unrehearsed Voiceover Artist <<
  We're bored of hearing Stephen Fry's plummy but
  camp tones cropping up as the voice of pretty 
  much everything you could care to mention. We
  think this guy does a much better job and loved
  watching his collection of uniquely-voiced
  videos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Unrehearsed_Voicover_Artist


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Unfunny every week since 1978

  * AUTHORS WITH SILLY NAMES - Gerd Bohner and
  Michaela Wanke, it's like a marriage made in
  masturbation heaven.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0863777791/b3ta-21


  * "BISHOPS AGREE SEX ABUSE RULES" - headline of
  the week, and we're glad the the Church is
  taking this stuff seriously.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/lolwhat


  * PHALLIC ROYAL WEDDING SALT & PEPPER POTS -
  although we hope (for Kate's sake) that the royal
  member is more impressive.
http://twitpic.com/4hpaxu


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Old-Time Advert Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create imaginary
  adverts from the olden days.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CROISSANTS - brimful of buttery smugness since
  1879 (Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10378309

  * NAG - it's Jeremy the annoying horse, and hes
  just as annoying in sepia tint (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10378525

  * COMPENDIUM - a stunning series of historically
  accurate sales messages (ropie)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10381804

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oldadverts/


  >> New challenge: Mythical Creatures <<
  Dragons, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster,
  Kelpies, whatever. What if they lived among us?
  Can you imagine? We reckon you can. Challenge
  suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mythicalcreatures/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BBC LOLS - The Beeb investigate the origins of
  LOL, with the help of a couple of quotes from
  Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel. 
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12893416


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BAD ART TRASHING THE ROYAL WEDDING - A
  pathetic display of snacks and royal wedding
  mugs in the local Co-op has left us with the
  urge to make bad art trashing the Royal Wedding.
  So far our ideas have been pretty lame - we're
  sure you can do much, much better.

  * CAT CARBON DATING - We think the official b3ta
  cat is 13 this summer, but because we got him as
  an adult, this is very much an estimate. We
  would love to find a way of accurately gauging
  the age of a cat - the other option, of course,
  would be to cut him open and count the rings.

  * APP EXPLAINING CRAZY FOREIGN BRANDS - As
  members of the nouveau poor, we often enjoy a
  trip to the local branch of Lidl. But some of
  the brands in there can be a bit confusing - are
  they just unfamiliar but good quality or do they
  taste like rotting donkey spooge? What could be 
  more useful than an app that lists which brands 
  are a bargain and which are for barfing?

    Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Life:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Death:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @davidnield,
  @benjymous, Herb Alperts Taxi Driver,
  UltimateMonkey, miltonlives, WiL, Frightguy,
  John_Anon_Prince, @brokenscience, Jimmy Savlon,
  @codepo8 @StuartJRitchie, Peter Davison,
  @stevem2k, @mac_clare, Just Flange. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via betpet.
  
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  If you're reading this on an iPhone then type
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