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NEWSLETTER: "PONY'S DAY TRIP RUINED BY RAIL STAFF"

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This Week:
* KITTEN - That smoke fags
* SQUIRRELS - Dead, and played with by child
* QUESTION - Trolls. Tell us about trolls

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're pretending to     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   like Lady Gaga's 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  new album... together"

B3ta soupy shit 479 - 20 May 2011

Bury this issue in a pet cemetery:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue479/

 Full communion: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Excommunication: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  VW Campervan Tent. A TENT shaped like a van FFS 

  Going to a festival this summer? You probably
  can't afford an actual VW Camper Van as the 60s
  ones go for extraordinary money (up to £26k
  according to vwcampercrazy.co.uk) but £300 will
  get you a tent that looks roughly the same and
  will guarantee people will come and chat to you.
  Assuming you want people to chat to you, which
  we hope you do, as that's basically the secret
  of getting laid. The starting point anyway. Buy
  one on Firebox:
http://goo.gl/2aehF


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making crusty, semen-filled socks

  >> Grey Bloke's Rapture <<
  Monochrome nerd Greybloke returns with good
  advice on how to cope with Mr Lord Jesus's
  imminent plans to return and form a posse.
http://goo.gl/kWuNl


  >> Seven Little Cats Kissin' <<
  "The long-awaited sequel to 'Don't Bring Lou
  Lou'!" exclaims The Twisted Omentum. This is
  very much an old-school b3ta music vid,
  "Featuring several of our and our friends' cats.
  Be gentle!"
http://goo.gl/NqTq5


  >> The Nature Song <<
  "I done created a new animashun," writes little
  Koit. "Weirdly, it's completely family friendly
  and suitable for all." This is sweet - is Koit
  mellowing in his old age?
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/nature.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Conversation Killers

  Sometimes you say something and the conversation
  around you stops dead. Well, I say sometimes.
  This lot seem to exist in permanent silence:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/

  * SAT NAV FUNERAL - "A couple of years ago, I
  was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy
  occasion; he'd hit a tree and, because he was
  divorced and his firm kept no records of his ex
  or kids, they hadn't got to his bedside while he
  was still conscious. So far, so bummer. As
  Grimsby Crematorium is noted for scrotes stealing
  stuff from cars during services, someone had 
  brought his satnav in with him: just before the
  son got up to his reading, a disembodied voice
  said, 'You have reached your destination.' 
  Dead silence, followed by muffled snorts from 
  half the congregation." (all my scars face forward)
	 
  * EVERY PARENT'S NIGHTMARE - "Chatting to a bird
  at the pub. All going well. She asks me my name
  and I reply, absolutely deadpan, 'Well, up until
  the age of 10 it was Jon Venables.' Dirty look
  and conversation over. I've no idea where this
  came from, I wasn't trying to make a joke, I've
  never used that before - it was just the first
  thing that came to my head. It just came from
  nowhere. It was like I was cock-blocked by a
  momentary demonic possession." (Regger)
	 
  * BANANA SEX LOLS - "Aged fifteen, crowded
  school classroom, it's the end of the school day
  and we wait for 'Donkey' Delaney to come along,
  tick off our names in the register and dismiss
  us for the afternoon. It is a Friday, we are so
  excited. Conversation is, as you'd expect, quite
  animated. Donkey Delaney walks through the door.
  The class falls silent. All except for Tracey.
  Poor, poor Tracey with her pneumatic, hypnotic
  chest and the conversation killer to end them
  all: 'Well, I prefer a banana because it's got
  just the right curve on it.' Monday came, and
  her desk was piled high with bananas. Tuesday
  came, and there was a new school rule."
  (Scaryduck)


  >> This Week's Question: trolls <<
  Are you a troll? Ever pwn3d a troll with your
  1337 intarnet sk1llz? Or do you live under a
  bridge and eat goats? Tell us your trolly
  stories, both from the web and from real life:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Rare colour photos from the Depression era <<
  The past isn't a foreign country, it's just an
  earlier version of now and it's extraordinary. 
http://goo.gl/IYmaO


  >> What's the worst bit of design ever done? <<
  Our vote is the enter key on this Macbook that
  the twats at Apple refuse to replace and
  actually told me I'm pushing wrongly. It
  constantly pops off its little hinge thingie.
  Most people are voting for other stuff, mind:
http://goo.gl/gCgyN


  >> Incredible flea market DIY modular synth << 
  A snapshot of another world where mad hobbyists
  built their own synths because there was no
  alternative that didn't cost a fortune. These
  days, we all play the same sounds on our iPads
  and delude ourselves about a thing called
  progress.
http://is.gd/5mbLOh


  >> Mind-bending article from Roseanne Barr <<
  On how the TV suits tried to wrestle control
  from her and how she said no. A lesson of sorts
  - media companies will always grab grab grab as
  they've done you such a favour in working with
  you.
http://tinyurl.com/6jkmsdq
  

  >> Bit coins <<
  A subject that's got the geeks excited this week:
  a concept to produce an internet form of cash
  outside of the banks. As money basically only
  works if you believe in it, there's no reason
  this couldn't ultimately succeed, other than
  the banks freaking out and pressuring governments
  to make it illegal. Which they will.
http://goo.gl/SFDOr


  >> PR lies in your press <<
  Nice of this PR company '72 Point' to proudly
  list all of the bullshit lies they've helped fill
  our media with on behalf of their clients. 
http://bit.ly/QWp5B


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  VHS stands for Very Hot Spools.

  >> Cute toddler plays with dead squirrel <<
  We like squirrels - yes, they are rats with
  tails but they are also cheeky, eat nuts and
  scamper round our local park. We're not so sure
  about dead squirrels and definitely not sure we
  would let a three-year-old girl play with one.
  Gross but amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEDLAgu0yl8


  >> Darth Vader plays trombone <<
  This guy is absolutely awesome and craps on any
  of the useless acts found on TV talent shows.
  Having said that, we fear it's only a matter of
  time before Darth Cowell snaps him up and makes
  him fodder for his entertainment sausage
  machine. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07IhWD2Lr2A


  >> Swearing toy phone <<
  The perfect gift for a child with Tourette's (or
  very square, religious parents). We'd like one for
  Christmas please.
http://goo.gl/ATLA4


  >> Kitty Ciggy <<
  Even the most fanatical non-smokers will enjoy this:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_Ciggy


  >> Best new sport ever <<
  This takes a while to get going, but be patient
  and you will be rewarded with footage of an
  extraordinary new sport. We'd like to see it at
  next year's Olympics but are not sure if the
  world is ready for it yet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wait_for_it:15


  >> Mentos missile <<
  There's a long tradition of people doing stuff
  with Mentos and coke bottles on the internet.
  Some of it is good, some of it is bad, but this
  is incredible. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_Missile


  >> Facebook / Google sticks you in a bubble <<
  If you spend a lot of time on Facebook, it's
  easy to believe that everyone you know shares
  your views - about politics, TV and pop music.
  This clever chap proves that these internet
  bubbles we live in are algorithmic and shows
  it's not just Facebook that's guilty, but
  also Google. 
http://goo.gl/JtAd7

  BTW: If you're interested in this area, check
  out this related article - "A bonfire of your
  memories" - a powerful critique of Facebook from
  @textfiles - and, of course, look out for Adam
  Curtis's new series starting on the 23rd.
http://ascii.textfiles.com/archives/3086


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  We're actually embarrassed to run this shit

  * THE DICK MAYO SPRINT - our own personal dick
  mayo record is about 15 seconds. 
http://www.bristolmc.org.uk/EventRegs/mayo_combe_regs.htm

  * KEN CLARKE RAPE LOLS - The Guardian iPhone app
  has cut down the Ken Clarke story headline and
  made it appear a whole lot worse. 
http://yfrog.com/hs6tzyrj

  * VANGINA - jazzytrumpetguy writes, "Saw this on
  the back of a van in Coventry, absolutely
  brilliant."
http://www.activegasheating.co.uk/

  * TEAM AMERICA HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - Ian
  Beveridge writes, "Best software project name
  ever."
http://j.mp/lvZdGM


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Animal Power Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to imagine that animals
  replaced traditional methods of generating power.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ELEPHANT - upside-down trunker powers grid,
  via the extraordinary mind of (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419195

  * KITTEN - of all the "useless machines"
  clogging up the internet, this one, involving a
  miniature kitten, is the bestest (gingerbenji)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10420085

  * VOLE - Danger! Danger! High Voleage, etc
  (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419230


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/


  >> New challenge: Right Film, Wrong Gender <<
  This week's mission, should you choose to accept
  it, it to re-make films so they appeal to the
  opposite gender to the original - Star Wars for
  women, Dirty Dancing for men. And so on.
  Challenge suggested by Sea Tramp.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/


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  OTHER BACONS
  Your guide to pig-free bacon fun

  * WHALE BACON - ookiimarukochan writes, "Whale
  bacon is still fairly common in Japan, and
  surprisingly tasty (Japanese bacon itself isn't
  really bacon as it doesn't seem to be cured)."
http://www.japanprobe.com/2009/01/25/whale-bacon-commercial/


  * LAMB BACON - SCar writes, "When the lamb is
  all grown up, it turns into mutton and this can
  be used to make Macon. It's popular amongst the
  Jewish community."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macon_(food)


  * BEEF BACON - pauljherring writes, "They
  already do this in the middle east (certainly in
  Dubai and Saudi Arabia) for westerners who
  demand something that looks like it came from a
  pig, but due to some silly religious rule or
  other can't actually be made from pig. So they
  use cow instead. They use chicken for sausages."
http://goo.gl/M5FBh


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Sexy Gamble

  Captain Plantagenet writes, "I liked your
  suggested Friday Game of counting the number of
  people you'd have sex with that you've seen
  today, but can offer a variation that makes it
  all the more challenging.

  "Pick a spot where you can see people
  approaching from a distance - a park bench, a
  seat on the bus - you get the idea.  As soon as
  you see a person in the distance, decide whether
  or not they'd be someone you'd bed. You then
  have a wait of anticipation to see whether on
  close inspection they're a vision of beauty, or
  a 50-year-old cigarette-wielding grandmother of
  12."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INTERNET PARENT MACHINE - Dear BBC iPlayer
  devteam. Please add an option to randomly play
  stuff from CBeebies with a "don't like it, next"
  button. And make it autoplay. But skip the crap
  radio stuff.

  * iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - Why isn't there a simple
  'block texts' button on our phone like there is
  in email? We don't want text spam from a Clapham
  pizza place we last used in 2001.

  * ZERIOS - If Cheerios did 1's as well a 0's
  they could own the geek breakfast cereal market.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Lovelies:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cw19_uk, The
  Archduke of South London, @TomWhitwell,
  @mattround, @chris_coltrane, libinspace,
  beckyharris.co.uk, UHMUHRAKA!, redflame, Jalf.
  Top Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via hedonist.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  A frozen cheese wedge makes a perfect doorstop.
  Temporarily. 

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