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NEWSLETTER: "TAKEN UP THE OXO TOWER BY MURDOCH SINCE 2001"

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This Week:
* CAMP - Carry On Vader
* SATAN - in song lyrics
* CATS - for gold

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're paying extra
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    money to profiteering
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    bastards... together"

B3ta email 486 - 8 July 2011

Blimey. Issue 486. That's like some shitty old PC:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue486/

        Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Sweary greetings cards that are fucking ace
 
  Finally a card that doesn’t have fuck, wank,
  bollocks, cock or tosser on.
http://tinyurl.com/3bj8dxw


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

  How many 486s does it take to change a
  lightbulb? 486

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  EDITORIAL STATEMENT FROM YOUR GINGER MURDOCH:

  Back in issue 464 we filled the newsletter with
  loads of rubbish gags about old Amstrad
  computers. It occurred to us then we could do the
  same with issue 486, and we'd have loads of time
  to prepare the most amazing gags about old Intel
  processors ever written. However, in reality
  we've spent the entire week obsessing about the
  #hackgate story, so instead we got the B3tans to
  write the jokes. They are either brilliant or
  utterly useless, there are no in-betweens.

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  Why did the 486 cross the road?
  To catch the Local Bus

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Brooks, Vader and Chernobyl

  >> Has Rebekah Brooks been sacked yet? <<
  Single function website by gotimmy. "Pretty
  please retweet," he begged us. We duly did so
  and now it's fricking everywhere, plus a version
  with James Murdoch. 
http://www.hasrebekahbrooksbeensackedyet.com/


  >> Carry On Vader <<
  rbrownwakefield's remake, sees a rampaging Camp
  Lord of the Sith. "I never got round to doing
  more than a minute as it's pretty
  time-consuming," confesses rbrownwakefield. Ah,
  but what a glorious minute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kenneth_Williams_plays_Darth_Vader


  >> Abandoned Chernobyl Panorama <<
  "Hey!" greets cr3. "I recently took a long tour
  around Chernobyl and the surrounding areas. One
  of the most interesting places was the town of
  Pripyat, which was a very new and vibrant city
  until all 50,000 residents were displaced thanks
  to the Chernobyl Disaster. The town has since
  been empty, and decaying. I took some photos off
  the edge of a massive apartment building,
  resulting in this really neat 360 degree
  panorama of this amazing place. The amazing and
  sexy wjh31 deserves most of the credit here for
  his amazing stitching work.
http://cr3ative.co.uk/chernoybl/


-------------------------------------------------

  I'm going to do a nerdcore tribute to the Tom
  Robinson Band. 2 4 8 6 Motorway.

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Old Stuff I Still Know

  In honour of our Intel 486 issue, we asked 
  what obsolete talents you still have. And the
  top story is? Yup. Wanking:
http://b3ta.com/questions/obsolete/

  * SIGN SONG - "My Dad used to travel to Japan
   on business reasonably often, and after one
   particularly good day he was invited out to
   the bar with all his Japanese colleagues for
   a traditional 'get smashed and sing' session.
   This was in the days before karaoke machines
   so everyone had to sing their party piece.
   After numerous beers and whiskies, he couldn't
   sing at all, but he was helped up onto the
   table top, beer in hand, and everyone cheered
   him on. His mind was a blank: he couldn't
   remember a single song, not even a hymn or
   nursery rhyme. The only thing that came into
   his head was a song he used to sing 20 years
   earlier, with his fellow commuters on the train
   to and from Birmingham, which they had made
   up based on the notice on the old train carriage:
   "To stop the train / In cases of emergency /
   Pull down the cha-a-in / Pull down the cha-a-in /
   Penalty for improper use / Twenty five pounds"
   He drained his beer, sang the song twice through,
   saluted, then fell off the table."
  (Smale)
 
  * DOS GAMING - "I know: 1) How to make a boot
   disk. 2) How to swear at a bastarding boot disk
   when it doesn't bastarding work even after you've
   followed all the bastarding instructions to the
   bastarding letter. 3) How to plead with a boot
   disk. 4) How to bargain with a boot disk. 5)
   How to cry quietly in the corner at a boot disk.
   6) How to blackmail my parents into buying me
   a SNES."
   (universalpsykopath)
	 
	 
  * DEFRAG - "If my brain was like a hard drive I
   could look though all the directories and delete
   folders like "Lyrics to Meat Loaf's Bat out of
   Hell Album", "Monty Python films/sketches" and
   have a good old defrag and free up a bit of space.
   Maybe then I could remember "what I went upstairs
   for" and "a shopping list with more than 6 items
   on it"
   (sittingduck)


  >> This Week's Question: illegal boss shit <<
  Been pressured by your boss to do something
  distinctly dodgy at work? Did you do it? Confess
  all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dodgyworkethics/


-------------------------------------------------

  Why was 3 afraid of 4?
  because 4 8 6!

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Like vs Plus <<
  We're not sure what to think about Google Plus -
  the new social networking thingie from the
  people who brought you Google Wave. Mainly it
  makes us anxious that if it becomes really
  popular and kills Twitter then all that time we
  spent dancing and skipping to build up our
  follower count was a waste of time. Oh, it was a
  waste of time anyway? Oops. Anyway:
http://likevsplus.com/


  >> Broken crap people sell <<
  Reminding us somewhat of There, I Fixed It,
  comes this catalogue of mostly broken monitors
  for sale on eBay and the pathos-inducing
  comments on the damage.
http://bitbroken.com


  >> Cats 4 gold <<
  As the global economy spins out its final cycle
  of capitalism and all the cash floats to the top,
  before the coming storm of Chinese takeover /
  global warming / mutant star-goats, the price of
  gold is fucking crazy. Hence lots of plots to
  shake the last bits of gold out of the proles'
  teeth. Now with cats.
http://www.cats4gold.com


  >> Instant pitch generator <<
  Say you work in advertising and you're too
  fucking lazy to write a pitch. Simply type in
  the brand - and it'll give you a magic mood
  board that'll be enough to wing your way through
  most snoozefests. If it works for you, tell us.
http://wheelofconcept.com/


  >> Random ginge <<
  Photographer @OliviaRosePhoto is photographing
  red-haired people in the street. Slightly
  stalkery and, thankfully, no B3ta staff in it.
  Yet.
http://randomginge.tumblr.com/


  >> Empty platitudes <<
  You know how some people's mouths flap and flap and
  nothing useful comes out and you look at them
  and think why aren't I like these people, they
  seem to be happy. Hunt and kill them here:
http://bit.ly/pu9bGU


-------------------------------------------------

  My 486 processor is so fat she got discontinued
  in 2007, even for embedded devices.

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Not reality, just light hitting your retina

  >> The Power of Bias <<
  Interesting presentation about perceiving things
  that aren't really there, due to your own
  prejudices. We promise you will see Simon Singh
  in this vid.
http://bit.ly/iUPPkh


  >> Talk this way <<
  Older readers may remember Cheryl Cole, a
  Northern lady who was briefly a judge on X
  Factor USA. She explains why she had to go, with
  a little help from Run DMC.
http://t.co/rWAEZOA


  >> Bill Bailey's message to Metallica <<
  The hirsute musical wonder offers his services
  as a heavy metal substitute. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bill_Baileys_message_to_Metallica


  >> Nina Conti & Monk <<
  One girl, one monkey puppet breaking some sort
  of fifth wall of self-awareness. Fun fact: we
  once had to make a plasticine model of Nina
  Conti, then ITV never broadcast the TV show.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nina_Conti_Monk


  >> Ode to the bouncer <<
  Catchy little number from entirely CG band the
  Studio Killers. NSFW, if your workplace objects
  to the bouncing chests of cute/grotesque little
  doll-people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Studio_Killers_ode_to_the_bouncer


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  What do you get if you shove a handful of 486
  processors up *insert female hate figure*'s
  fanny?
  Fish and chips!

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  As funny as poo on your toothbrush

  * DRINKING FROM THE GOATSE CUP - "Have you been
  looking for a special holiday gift for your
  grandmother? Do you want a small present for
  your boss, to help you snag that promotion at
  work?" Do. Not. Want.
http://patton-pottery.com/goatsemugs.html

  * DIRTY SUN BASTARD - and we're not talking
  about the lovely staff at the currant bun. Who
  are nice.
 http://gawker.com/5819042/the-dirty-kind-of-sun-stroke 


-------------------------------------------------

  How do you get a geek to shag your girlfriend?
  Put a 486 in her cunt.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Jumpy Orange Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to produce
  pictures featuring Jumpy Orange Shapes

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOUNCE - incredible fox/space hopper
    interface (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10469749

  * SCARY - be-helmeted kitten in
    terrifying space incident (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10465156

  * COCKS - tremendous selection of excited
    cartoon phalluses (Zac McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10465568

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jumpyorangeshapes/


  >> New challenge: Design Flaws <<
  This week's challenge: from inflatable
  dartboards to traffic signals that send
  cars crashing into hapless pedestrians,
  design stuff that has a single, crucial
  design flaw.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/designflaws/


-------------------------------------------------

  Something about "branded with numbers" and
  Jews/Nazis and Intel. But it all goes a bit
  racist when I try to do it. Oh I give up.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DAILY MAIL SITE EDITING GUIDE - Guardian's
  Media Monkey went big on Rob's DM-skewering
  diagram. The Daily Mail's secrets revealed.
  Possibly.
http://goo.gl/SAeam

  * 2011 SHED OF THE YEAR - b3ta friend shedblog
  has just announced its shed of the year. "Judges
  included Sheddies Favourite Sarah Beeny. Owner
  of the winning shed, Jon inherited it and its
  contents from the previous owners, but the idea
  to turn it into a music venue came to him after
  a visit to the local pub. He set up ‘Songs from
  the Shed’ and has had loads bands playing
  acoustic sessions from the shed and popping them
  on Youtube."
http://goo.gl/1xt3j

  * HELP KUNT - He's the only man who sits below
  NOTW in the moral foodchain and now he needs
  your assistance ...to keep his filthy, funny
  stuff up on youTube. Here's how you can help. 
http://bit.ly/q3iL43


-------------------------------------------------

  What's the best thing about 486 processors?
  You can make 486 low fat banana smoothies at
  once!

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PANTS THAT STAY FRESH ALL YEAR LONG - we're
  stick of having to change them every bleeding
  month.

  * GUN TEETH - We want tiny pistols in our
  incisors so we can kiss our teeth people die. 

  * EXTRA FINGERS - So we can look at porn,
  masturbate and tweet all at the same time.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

  The maths teacher asked the 486...
  "Multiply these two floating-point numbers"
  "Can't", said the chip.
  "Oh," sighed teach. "An SX boy."

-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by taters, sock,
  evolvocrab, chocolatelemming, Bela Lugosi's Dad,
  @nikroope, @GigerPunk, @Natalie_KateM,
  @danielbevis, @chrisdelahunty, @grahamshroll,
  wakeupandsmellthebacon, L_Space_Cam. Top Tippery
  by Rotating Wobbly Hat. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols by The Great Architect.

-------------------------------------------------

  486 "jokes" via Michael Ellis, Michael Ellis,
  Michael Ellis, NoPotPourri, yanmania..., Spunky
  McPunk, Wasp Box, yanmania, and yanmania.

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  TOP TIP:
  Overcompensate for having a tiny car by growing
  a massive penis.

-------------------------------------------------

  A Pentium, a 486 and an XT were at the fair and
  about to go on the helter-skelter when an old
  crone steps in front of them.

  "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land
  in whatever you shout out on the way down."

  "I'm game for this," says the 486 and slides
  down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the
  top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the
  bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands
  of pounds worth of gold coins.

  The Pentium goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at
  the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in
  more silver coinage than he can carry.
 
  The XT goes last and, launching himself from the
  top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"

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