NEWSLETTER: "CHILEAN MINERS BEMOAN ONE YEAR SINCE THEY HAD GREAT ANAL SEX!"
"Chilean miners bemoan one year since they had great anal sex!"
This Week:
* OWLS - Rotated for Science
* FLYERS - Silliest ever
* BELUGA - Mariachi whale
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dropping the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | taxes for the rich
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... not very togetherly"
B3ta dog turd flecked sausage 490 - 5 Aug 2011
Read this issue via candlelight, you paupers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue490/
Sexy time: [email protected]
Unsexy time: [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Owls, Art and Drink
>> Rotate Your Owl <<
"For Science!" cries an engorged Jonti Picking.
Old-school rap stylings, plus owls, in a lab.
This must be whatever the b3ta equivalent of
linkbait is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rotate_Your_Owl
>> Artgame <<
"You rock many times over, like a magical lake
of horses wearing rocket packs," confides
Jason. "Thusly, I'm sharing with you and yer
glorious b3ta readers my recent artgame!" As
near as we can tell, it's about having a
nervous breakdown caused by recent trends in
the residential real estate sector.
http://www.secrettechnology.com/scrape/scrape1.htm...
>> "We Love to Drink" <<
"What started life as an improvised song during
a drinking game became a reality during the
hangover the following day," cries Ornsack.
Lovely vid - those guys really will drink
anything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_Love_to_Drink
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: HELP A B3TAN INTO THE CHARTS
Your Swedemason needs you!
Top B3tan @swedemason is at number 40 in the
mid-weeks with his 'Buttery Biscuit Bass' track
that was premiered on B3ta, ooh, a month or two
back. Please, please buy the single and get
something into the charts with a better chorus
than Swagger Jagger.
http://goo.gl/RCZGT
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Conspicuous Consumption
We wanted your purest moments of showing off and
luxurious wallowing:
http://b3ta.com/questions/consumption/
* SWEATBANDS - "I guess I was about 10 and my
brother 7 and I was desperate to own a towelling
wrist band. Preferably fluorescent yellow. I'd
be the coolest kid in school. Eventually the
constant whining got too much for my Nan, who
gave me a fiver to run off to Ted Fenton's, or
whatever the 1984 equivalent of JD Sports was.
There we found, to my delight, that five pounds
was a veritable fortune. I could afford wrist
bands in Yellow, Blue, Green and Orange AND two
towelling head bands. I was positively overwhelmed.
With shaking hands I tore open my carrier bag of
booty. I put a yellow band on my right wrist,
green on my left, then a blue on my right and
an orange on my left. Then I gave the others
to my brother to do the same. I put a white
headband on him and, finally, trembling with
pride, I put the other one on me. I was the
dog's bollocks, I was cooler than school.
Between us we were the it-boys of Laindon. I
walked chest forward, brother by my side, back
to where Nan was waiting by the swings. And the
big boys pissed themselves laughing. And I cried.
And I never wore them again."
(scarpe)
* PIRATES - "I used to work as a photographer on
a cruise liner. You got to see the world but
you'd work 14-hour days taking pictures of
people who thought you were vermin. That and the
ship's cinema only showed family crap at least a
year old. So when an entertainer came aboard
with a pirate copy of The Dark Knight, my fellow
photographers and I hatched a plan of daring
luxury. We had the keys to the Captain's private
lounge for setting up a crew awards ceremony. So
the pirate Dark Knight and ourselves snuck in,
careful at first to leave no sign of our
invasion, but within ten minutes we'd cracked
open bottles of officer-only champers and moved
all the suites to face the ginormous flat-screen
TV. We were in heaven, hidden deep within the
ship. Somewhere around Maggie Gylenhall being
blown to smithereens, all sat on the edge of the
leather couches, half blazing, empty bottles of
champagne strewn around, the door unlocked. Quick
glances of ultra-dread are exchanged. This meant
disembarkation for sure. I prayed silently for
not an officer, for not security. Sunnil, the
second-in-charge of security stuck his head round.
This is it. We are fucking doomed. He stares at us.
We know we are fucked. "Is that the new Batman?"
"er...yes" "Fantastic!" he says as he nudges up on
the couch and makes himself comfy. "Pass the
champagne." (Raol Duke)
* BUBBLES - "Staying in an outrageously
expensive hotel for the first time in my life.
My girlfriend went out shopping, and got back to
find me wallowing in the spa bath topped by more
than a foot of bubbles, reading The Economist,
whilst smoking a cigar and wearing a monocle.
She looked at me with disbelief. "What the
hell?", she asked. "This is what capitalism is
all about", I replied." (davywavy)
>> This Week's Question - Annoying Partners <<
What winds you up about your significant other?
If you have no partner, tell us about workmates.
If you have no workmates, improvise with an
annoying tramp:
http://b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Pointless Flyers <<
Good little collection of silliness stuck up in
the street. You know the type; text says "cat
found" but there's a picture of a badger. Except
not that one.
http://goo.gl/RA8RH
>> Swapped logos <<
Pepsi in the style of Coke etc. Something we
could do as an image challenge, possibly with
more satirical intent - Daily Mail logo in the
style of the Nazi party etc.
http://t.co/OzuQQtN
>> Liney thing <<
We remember stuff like this on old 80s
computers; you'd draw a line then wait 30 mins
for it to spin it into a wine glass. This is
faster and, hence, it'll make your tits hard.
http://www.zefrank.com/memory/stringspin/spin_1.ht...
>> Very strange set of drawings <<
Comic book art + 2-colour pixelization + very
weird subject matter. Arresting.
http://unomoralez.com/img.html
>> 360 degree view of space shuttle Discovery <<
Looks like the worst UI we've ever seen. And
we've used Vista.
http://goo.gl/nwI3J
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's b3ta to the max
>> Mariachi band serenades Beluga Whale <<
Wonderful clip - and here's a tip - drop in your
favourite tune, it works as a video for almost
anything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mariachi_band_serenade_B...
>> Angry Scouse Guitarist <<
Ageing guitarist struggles with his playing
and it all turns to panic and rage - never a
friend to a performance needing dexterity. Poor
chap.
http://t.co/U5Sd2MF
>> Bill Drummond lecture <<
Oldsters who remember the KLF as the best thing
to ever happen to pop music will delight at this
Drummond lecture where he points out downloading
has changed our relationship with music and
suggests a move to a future where we experience
and remember stuff instead of it all being a
downloadable gloop.
http://goo.gl/190FN
>> Shit boot times vid <<
Blokey compares the boot-time of an old 80s mac
to a modern laptop. Yes a modern PC does loads
more shit but it's a good point well made. Sort
it out, OS-twats.
http://t.co/mhNEKYP
>> Trolling your own wedding <<
Men! Ruin the wedding day of your wife by
organising Gollum to turn up with the ring. "My
precious" etc. She'll fucking hate you for it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gollum_at_the_wedding
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Double-headed unfunny action for joke-hole
* Shi are IT specialists.
http://shi.it/
* Check the postcode.
http://goo.gl/GxwJZ
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fake Ads Challenge
Last week we wanted you to design adverts for
anything.
Your favourites included:
* SHARK - the evolution of the Jaws franchise,
from the past into the future (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10494881
* QUO - if Parfitt and Rossi were funeral
directors. Funeral, btw, is an anagram of "real
fun" (the stainless steel rat-boy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10490519
* SHINY - a thing, advertised (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10491277
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakeads/
>> New challenge: Safety Posters <<
Attention b3tans: this week's challenge is to
create realistic safety posters for the most
absurd scenarios. Bonus points available for
placing them in a real-life situations.
Challenge suggested by The Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/safetyposters/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HANDS SOLO INTERVIEW - "Shortoftheweek.com is
one of my favourite sites," writes helmsdeep.
"So when they asked to interview me and feature
Hands Solo as short of the week, I was well
chuffed. Thought you might find it an
interesting read."
http://goo.gl/iVTiG
* B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL TIME - "Greetings men
of Earth!" booms Druss_The_Legend. "I am well
aware that football (and most other sports) has
been viewed on our hallowed boards with scorn
and pity but I am trying to get a b3ta Fantasy
Football league together again this year, the
more people the better! It is all good clean
fun, though I feel that the use of the word
fantasy should allow me to field a team of
battle-hardened orcs. Never mind, eh!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fantasy_football_time_ag...
* MORE UNICODE LOLS - "Unicode 6.0 adds some
amazing glyphs alongside the symbol for pile of
poo featured in last week's newsletter,"
informs OwlofDoom. "The most disturbing one
I've found is U+1F3E9 'LOVE HOTEL'."
http://www.fileformat.info/info/unicode/char/1f3e9...
* SPINAL TAP HTML - xyandz writes, "As any Tap
fan knows, there's an umlaut over the N in
Spinal, but as far as I can tell there's no
html code for that. Who do we lobby to get this
fixed? There must be a way, but I don't know
where the HTML Gods reside. Please, b3ta, can
you use your influence with the great and good
to make this happen?"
* RE: THE BEEB'S LONDON BASE - Surprisingly
Jeremy Clarkson has something to say on the
subject, according to coobeastie. "He writes,
'I don't like vandalism, but if someone were to
decorate one of the buildings with a giant
purple cock and balls, I'd be tempted to give
him a pat on the back and a puppy dog.' So,
anyone want a free dog?"
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: FRIDAY GAME
VVVVVV
Great little retro platformer that has you
flipping gravity between ceiling and floor to
rescue your missing shipmates. Bleeptastic
soundtrack too. Yeah, this is just a 2-level
demo, but it's tough enough to occupy some idle
minutes.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/TerryCavanagh/vvvv...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HE-TWEET OR SHE-TWEET? - Can you guess the
gender from what they say?
* DAILY MAIL OR CHILD PORN? - Can you tell
where the images originated? (And for both
satirical and legal reasons the answer is
always DM)
* YES or NO? Take the word "yes" in every
language you can find and see if the internet
thinks it means yes or no. Or is this super
dull?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
UltimateMonkey, @matthewgardner, MrPSB, beard,
SnowyTheRabbit, @philsherry, @losttourist,
@johnsto, The Archduke of South London.
Top Tippery by MrOli.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via betpet.
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TOP TIP:
Ants hate talc. Don't fuck about with expensive
ant poison and traps: Ants hate talc. It sucks
the water out of them and kills them and covers
up the smells they left so they know where
they've been. Find where they are getting into
the house, squirt cheap talc everywhere around
there and down their trail to the kitchen or
wherever they've got to, then a few hours later
hoover it all up.
