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NEWSLETTER: "CIVIL UNREST QUELLED BY BIG BROTHER RELAUNCH"

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This Week:
* CRAP DATES - in 140 characters
* RESULTS - it's "Sexy A-Level" time again
* ROBOTS - Swarmbot is coming

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "Great decade to
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       bury bad news
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        ...together"

B3ta email 492 - 19 Aug 2011

Read this issue on a lamppost like a lost cat ad:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue492/

    Humans:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Ghosts:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: WANT TO COOK & SWEAR LIKE A CELEBRITY CHEF?
  YOU CAN FOR A FIVER (sponsored linky)

  If your food is always burnt rather than
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  Recipes include pig's ears, braised pig's
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  Download the Great British Chefs app now!
http://bit.ly/qXAWr3

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, nonsense and poppy-scented cocks

  >> Crap dates <<
  @Rhodri writes, "The other day I passed a pub
  that I'd been in 10 years ago on a really
  excruciating date. The girl was from Wigan,
  conversation was extremely hard to come by, and
  I found myself asking her 'So, Wigan, what's it
  like?' Unbearable. I tweeted this recollection
  and it led to this cathartic outpouring, where
  people sent me details of their crap dates -
  distilled into 140 characters. And that 140
  character limit just created these brilliant one
  liners; they conjured up incredible back stories
  that you had to construct using your own
  imagination. Like: 'Nice meal, all going fine,
  pushed her down a staircase.' Amazing." BTW:
  Dull tweets become much funnier if you imagine
  that they are being RT'd by @rhodri as bad dates.
http://www.crapdate.com/


  >> DIY Fruit Pastilles <<
  See the sponsor at the top of the newsletter?
  They said they'd sponsor us if we agreed to cook
  one of their recipes. The things we do to keep
  B3ta afloat! Anyway, it turned out pretty good.
  Have a look, see:
http://youtu.be/TVh0DX3aKN0  
  

  >> Scientology: The Truth <<
  Scientology - it's true! It's all true!"A
  little spoof doc I made a little while back,"
  confesses humanthing. "NSFW due to mild
  swearybollox." 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scientology_The_Truth


  >> T is for Toilet <<
  "I made this for a film-making competition where
  you had to pick a word beginning with the letter
  T and do something about death with it," booms
  leehardcastle. "I need your votes. It's make me
  very happy if you vote, innit, stop looting."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/T_is_for_Toilet


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  First Rude Thing

  We wanted to know what the first thing that
  shook you out of your innocent little childhood.
  Slightly rude things, that is, not paedo-rape:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstrudething/

  * STASH - "last year I taught year one, which is
  5-6 year-olds. We spend a lot of time painting,
  gluing and other messy things which involve
  covering the tables in old newspapers. Of course
  some of the papers we had were red tops and
  therefore we carefully removed page three. One
  day I was tidying up the book corner when I
  found a small wodge of paper, carefully folded
  and tucked behind some of the books. What we
  hadn't reckoned on was nudey ladies in the more
  high-end papers. This was some 5-year old's
  carefully torn out stash of arty black and white
  ladies who had neglected to put any knickers on.
  The next day I found a boy frantically searching
  for something in the book corner but he wouldn't
  tell me what for." (Mrs Entity )
	 
  * GASH - "Naturally for a man of my
  pre-interwebs generation, hedge-porn was my
  first rude thing. Unfortunately, it was fairly
  specialist, and led me to believe for about six
  months that most pretty girls had stonking great
  cocks. My classmates were of course gentle and
  patient in their explanation when they realised
  my misconception. Oh yes." (SnowyTheRabbit)
	 
  * SPLOSH - "When I was a wee lad I had two older
  friends who were girlfriend and boyfriend. I
  told them that I didn't believe they really had
  sex with each other. One day they asked me to
  make a cup of tea. When I bought the tea back
  they were fucking in the living room. I was
  still super naive and said I don't believe
  you're really having sex, he turned her around
  to show me quite clearly that not only was he
  penetrating her but she was also on her period.
  Remains one of the most uncomfortable moments of
  my life." (PhillieJo)


  >> This Week's Question - Performance <<
  Have you ever - voluntarily or otherwise -
  appeared in front of an audience? How badly did
  it go? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/performance/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Sexy A-Levels <<
  It's that time of year, where men forward around
  sexyalevels.tumblr ironically as a criticism of
  the press and don't enjoy looking at pics of
  girls at all. Being able to feel morally
  superior and perve at women? Must be how Daily
  Mail readers feel.
http://sexyalevels.tumblr.com/


  >> Chocolate bar scans <<
  Scanning cats is SO 1996. It's all about
  scanning chocolate bars now. BTW our tip for a
  hit scanning website? Upload your palm and have
  someone pretending to be a gypsy read your
  future.
http://bit.ly/kUsctn


  >> Why 'Ye Olde Shope' is wrong <<
  The Y in Ye is an attempt to represent the rune
  'thorn' that was pronounced "th". Nobody ever
  said "ye". Interesting in a wow-I-never-knew-that way.
http://t.co/GRyKALy


  >> Most impressive print ads <<
  Print advertising is up shit creek because,
  well, it's simple enough, it starts with I and
  rhymes with Winternet. Here's some amazing
  techniques to attempt to reverse this trend.
  Supremely creative stuff but it's obvious
  there's better ways for corporates to spend
  their cash.
http://goo.gl/YdhJo


  >> Rent your middle-class proles <<
  The problem with renting proles in the past was
  that they spoke with such dreadfully common
  accents you couldn't let them in front of the
  wife in case she startled. Now thanks to the
  erosion of jobs through globalisation there's
  loads of jolly nice people out of work who
  don't look too actually frightening. Rent them
  here for pennies - they're cheaper than slaves,
  as you don't have to feed them or worry about
  health care.
http://taskrabbit.com

  
  >> Best CV ever <<
  Here's someone who understands his market. A
  recent graduate who knows his potential
  employers will be 40-something and remember
  Ceefax with nostalgic affection. We suspect
  he'll get his job.
http://zef.so/employable/


-------------------------------------------------

: GOODBYE ISTYOSTY
  The Dailymail proxy is no more
  
  The Daily Mail is a force for evil. It uses its
  power to spread bile and make the people of
  our nation hate each other. It prints crap from
  the Tax Payers Alliance that paves the way of
  awful government policy that will fuck the lot
  of us.
  
  One small glimmer in the darkness was Istyosty,
  a proxy that allowed us to link to the DM
  without raising their ad revenue or hits. It
  also had the side benefit of reducing our hate
  mail when we occasionally felt the need to link
  them up.
  
  A soldier has fallen. Pay your respects here.
http://istyosty.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  TV without the comfy sofa

  >> Creepy taxidermy <<
  1965 reel of a crazy taxidermy museum where all
  the stuffed animals are dressed up like people.
  We can imagine the Look Around You team doing
  the most mind-bending voice-over to this.
http://youtu.be/WmWwe4a7EWk


  >> Swarmbot <<
  Swarmbot is "a heterogeneous robot swarm in
  which different groups of robots have different
  capabilities". Fascinating footage of the bots
  in action, turning simple household tasks into
  a frightening, insectile, science-fiction
  future. Like Oceans 11 made out of hoovers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2nn1X9Xlps


  >> Incredible bionic hand <<
  We've been waiting ages for the point when
  prosthetic limbs become better than the bit of
  you they are replacing. This looks amazing and
  we can only imagine the hijinks this 14-year
  old boy will get up to with his robotic left hand.
http://t.co/t0nWbE6


  >> Cookie Monster sings Tom Waits <<
  Who would have thought you'd ever hear the
  Cookie Monster sing such socially relevant
  lyrics as "The poor, the lame, the blind - who
  are the ones that we kept in charge? Killers,
  thieves and lawyers." Alas it's a mashup, but
  what a mashup.
http://youtu.be/U5X4N2exOsU  


  >> Remote control Air-Shark <<
  Those who bought crap from the Innovations
  catalogue in the late 90s will remember the
  remote control "UFOs" - basically helium
  balloons with small propellors for direction
  control. It takes a special genius to change
  the design to sharks. Can't wait to borrow one
  to freak out / amaze the kids.
http://t.co/WAeBU61


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny = shit like Slipknot said
  
  * THANK GOD YOU CAN'T HAVE SPACES IN URLS - else
  we'd miss treats like this:
http://www.whoretweetedme.com

  * BEST PUNCTUATION FAIL EVER - and so true. Or
  is it satire?
http://goo.gl/gG0bo  

  * SAINSBURYS IN HAPPY CAT FAIL - the picture
  editor is obviously depressed.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/6c0eb61421f758d43735/p1040587.jpg


-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY 
  @Youvebinframed

  Deadpan descriptions of the type of shit you get
  on TV's top clip show. Funnier than it should be:
 
  * "Montage of skateboarding teens/men landing
  groin first on banisters/bars/immovable hard
  objects. Set to Avril Lavigne's sk8ter Boi"

  * "Lady stands above steam drain. You think her
  skirt will rise at any moment. It doesn't. Her
  blouse rises."

  * "Woman parading a large cake from kitchen to
  table. She slips. She falls into cake. Everyone
  laughs except her."
http://twitter.com/#!/Youvebinframed


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Future Law Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture the
  cops of the future

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ENHANCE! - the truth about forensic science as
  it pertains to pixel size (daveyclayton)
http://b3ta.com/board/10507003

  * OUCH - brutal police action displayed in
  delightful animation form (Butters)
http://b3ta.com/board/10505900

  * HELMET - we've have seen the future of law
  enforcement, and it's ROBO-DOMO-KUN (E Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/10506025

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/futurelaw/


  >> New challenge: Children's TV <<
  Crack out the finger paints and Fairy Liquid
  bottles to invent some new characters for the
  next generation to adore, in the tradition of
  Wombles, Teletubbies, Muppets etc. Challenge
  suggested by fridgefreezer.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/newkidstv/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * STORY ON B3TA / MASH-UPS IN INDEPENDENT -
  written by @rhodri who was mentioned earlier in
  this very newsletter for his crapdates project
  and including comments from your Ginger Fuhrer,
  Cassetteboy and Swedemason. Worth a nosey:
http://goo.gl/vQUyg


  * KUNT AND THE GANG PENIS TROUBLE - Kunt has
  been getting his fans to stick penises all over
  other people's posters. He apologises for this
  here:
http://t.co/feKYEvp


  * THANK-YOU NOTES - Jahled writes, "Last year
  you put our Nina/Snow Leopard video in the
  newsletter. It's just cleared a hundred thousand
  hits; a thousand since yesterday, which was all
  kick-started because of what you did. Looking at
  the embedded statistics it's been linked all
  over the place, including buzzfeed. Ultimately,
  it has given a tremendous amount of free
  exposure to the CST, which Terry and I are very
  grateful for."
http://www.vimeo.com/12716198


  * ERRORS - beetlejuice writes, "In the last
  week's newsletter you featured an interview I
  did with Swede Mason for my website Hercules
  Moments. Really appreciate that, thanks very
  much. Unfortunately, though, you attributed it
  to a completely different board user and not me.
  Shame on you B3ta. Go sit on the naughty step." 
  Sorry - our errors are mostly down to sticking
  100s of emails and notes into one doc and then
  subbing it down for the newsletter rather than
  malice. We're sorry!


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Wonder Putt
  
  Crazy golf on cat LSD. Might kill your
  afternoon, should your life be so empty you wish
  to fill it with mindless distraction.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/dampgnat/wonderputt


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CRAP KINDLE FILTER - Monkey Bones asks for a,
  "Firefox / chrome extension removing all spam
  and self-published books from Kindle store."
  Harsh but true my friend, harsh but true.
  
  * FUCK BONO CAMPAIGN - Bono's worth $1bn in
  Facebook shares. Let's all close our accounts
  simultaneously to wipe the grin off his cash
  eating face.
  
  * DOG SHITTER PHOTOS - Che Grimsdale asks, "I
  noticed some time ago that when dog owners are
  waiting for their dogs to have a poo, they have
  a singular expression/stance. What I'd like to
  see is a collection of photos of people waiting
  for their dogs to shit, but with all evidence of
  the dog/lead shopped out."


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Bands who've lost singers should team
  up with singers who've lost bands. Ian Brown &
  The Glitter Band. Morrissey & The Wailers. Stuff
  sent in by @rriddle, @rich_81, @jackschofield,
  thecrapgatsby, @Matt_Muir, @mattround,
  claptonista, oceans11, @carrozo, @NobbiNobody &
  @brianftang. Top Tippery by apeloverage.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Not sure
  about these garlic bulbs. They're really
  stinking up my light fittings. Subjlols via
  benito vaselini. Other choices here:
http://b3ta.com/board/10513343


-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Young men. Tired of being condemned for
  destroying cities? Simply join the army and
  destroy cities in the Middle East instead. This
  will somehow change you from a mindless thug
  into a hero. 

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