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NEWSLETTER: "THE WORLD'S PREMIERE COLONEL GADAFFI FANZINE"

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This Week:
* POSSIBLY - "Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm"
* KLF - Google map
* CUTE - Otters and kittens

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're sniffing     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    the Pritt Stick
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       ... together"

B3ta email 494 - 2 Sept 2011

Sell this issue to your mum for 50p:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue494/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Nobbers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Interesting Liqueurs
  
  We've recently realised we can buy interesting
  boozes on Amazon and get them delivered to the
  house. Our favourite is probably the coffee
  flavoured Kahlua as you can use to make Black
  Russians (add vodka), White Russians (add vodka
  & cream) or even a Black Irish (add whiskey).
  Basically you can be an utter alcoho-tramp but
  pretend it's some kind of exploration of taste
  sensations. Wonderful stuff. *Hick*
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0043AACZQ/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Clive, KLF, Signs, Catslugs and Acid

  >> KLF Google Map <<
  "I made a KLF Google map," boasts Drew Badly. "I
  say 'made', I compiled it. I got snowed in and
  the locations just kept on getting added." An
  obscure and peculiar guide to the movements of
  the cult 90s group. Right up our street. A-ha,
  a-ha.
http://g.co/maps/5yzf


  >> When Clive Was Alive <<
  "When Clive Was Alive is a lovely little song I
  done," intimates Joel Veitch. "S'animated by Lee
  Hardcastle innit." Grisly cuteness.
http://b3ta.com/links/When_Clive_Was_Alive


  >> Signs 2 << 
  Road signs come to life, in this charming little
  film from Black Moon. "It took much longer than
  I expected it to," he says. "But when you've
  started..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Signs_2


  >> Catslugs Episode 1 <<
  "Here's an episode from a weekly series I'm
  making, called Catslugs," explains
  grape-productions. "I've found people like
  watching cute things in pain." Either he's found
  the formula for web viral gold, or this is how
  people start out as serial killers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catslugs_E01_Seed


  >> Acid Relief <<
  "This is a compilation of acid house, techno,
  rave, and electro I've helped put together to
  raise money for the DEC's East Africa Famine
  Relief work," writes Mildred. "Some great new
  tracks from artists such as LFO, Luke Vibert,
  Ben Sims and Slipmatt. It's completely free to
  download, you can choose to pay what you want or
  donate directly via just giving." Enjoy some 303
  techno and it's all for charidee...
http://balkanvinyl.bandcamp.com/album/acid-relief


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Overheard Secrets

  Like a geeky Echelon triggering on "pregnant"
  and "not the father" rather than "bomb", it
  seems you've heard it all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/overheard/

  * DINNER AND A SHOW - "Sitting in a pub having a
  quiet schnitzel and chips with the missus when a
  couple walked in and took a table around the
  corner from us. The shape of the restaurant area
  meant they clearly didn't think anyone was near
  them and we'd not said anything as we were
  eating. "Look before we order, I want to tell
  you something," she said. "I was pregnant, but
  I'm not anymore. As of this last week." And so
  it began. Girl had been pregnant, guy outraged
  he'd not been told. Girl counters with they'd
  been broken up for the past month and she didn't
  know if they were ever getting back together,
  Guy consoles with how horrible for you to go
  through that alone. Girl reveals abortion, Guy
  returns to outraged. Girl reveals Guy not the
  father, Guy advances to apoplectic, Girl only
  slept with someone else because she'd found out
  about Guy and Girl's best friend. Guy ashamed.
  Girl admits Girl only with Guy now to hurt him,
  Guy only with Girl now to win her back. Girl
  didn't love Guy at all, Guy only loved Girl.
  Girl cried and said Girl really loved him too,
  Guy said, "Ha!" I lied. I don't really love
  you." Girl uses bad word, Guy dashes down
  cutlery... and a woman walked up to say, "Hi
  there, just wondering if you'd like to take part
  in the trivia contest later? Here's a pen and...
  oh, have I come at a bad time?" Trivia lady
  left, Guy stormed off and Girl, with a defiant
  snort, got up to leave as well... and saw us
  sitting there, slack-jawed, with a fork still
  halfway to our mouths from when they'd started
  five minutes before." (difficultchild)
	 
  * CLOSETTY - "I was drinking in a fairly nice
  pub in Manchester. Getting a round in, I ended
  up stood at the bar next to two horrible-looking
  blokes - you know the type: would probably list
  their job as "security consultant", steroid
  pumped muscles, too much jewellery, all that...
  Successful drug-dealers, basically. I was trying
  to shuffle away from them a little, lest I be
  accused of looking at their pint, when: #1 "I
  think Dave might be gay" #2 "Dave who? Our Dave?
  No way?" "Yeah, our Dave. I really think he is."
  "What the fuck makes you say that?" "Well, we
  were out on the lash the other night and we
  pulled some student bird. We took her back to my
  place and we were splitting her, like. I was
  giving her a good piping when Dave suddenly
  stuck his cock up my arse!" "Fucking hell!"
  "Yeah..." "What did you do then?" "Well, I kinda
  liked it..." (ScousersPet)
	 
  * VISTA - "A tiny, shrivelled, possibly mad, old
  woman being pushed in a wheelchair by her carer
  towards the beach some 200 yards from her
  seafront nursing home, declared as they passed
  where I was sitting minding my own business, "Oh
  not the fucking sea again..." The majestic
  wildebeest presumably being busy elsewhere."
  (LisawithoutaC)


  >> This Week's Question: Hell <<
  Tell us about the times you've been to a place
  of worship, and, naturally, how you are now
  consigned to the everlasting fires of Hell:
http://b3ta.com/questions/church/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Please please let this be true <<
  Interview with Chuck Palahniuk. Check out the
  anecdote under the heading 'Galvanising a
  Generation'. Clue - search for "Margaret
  Thatcher has eaten my sperm."
http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/films/chuck-palahniuk


  >> Spot the IT Guy <<
  Clue, he's the guy with the sexy face that all
  the girls love.
http://bit.ly/qJCv1V


  >> The War of The Worlds Musical as a Book<
  If your day is flagging a bit then you haven't
  stuck on Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War
  of The Worlds yet. Do it. And to get you in the
  mood - read this:
http://t.co/2pirwvv


  >> We *heart* Blade runner <<
  A Tumblr dedicated to stuff about Blade Runner,
  before Ridley Scott ruins it again.
http://1187hunterwasser.tumblr.com


  >> Playing twitter at it's own game <<
 An archive of Scots comedian @DaftLimmy trying to
 lose 1000 followers in 24 hours.
 http://t.co/I9DBOJk


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Otters and kittens
  
  Popbitch will have a anal orgasm when it sees
  this:
http://t.co/F1w1cae


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Casio video watch but on your PC  

  >> "Don't jump, Edward" <<
  Unexpected resolution to toddler drama.
http://t.co/39k3vJR


  >> Sexy hiking dance <<
  Rambling man can't believe this feast for the
  eyes, during a walk in the hills. What on earth
  is going on? Less sexist than we assumed at
  first.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/if_you_go_down_to_the_woods_today:2


  >> Half-ass Jackass <<
  Posse of edgy New Zealanders set out to prove
  that their TV is every bit as exciting as the US
  version. Brilliant - more enjoyable than the
  original.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Zealands_version_of_Jackass


  >> Like a BUS! <<
  The driver of route 62 just does not give a fuck.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Like_a_BUS


  >> Cat takes out impostor <<
  Bert the cat freaks out! This is why Invasion of
  the Bodysnatchers didn't have them impersonate
  cats. One of the reasons.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bert_The_Cat_Takes_Out_The_Kitteh_Imposter


  >> 'Sextape' by Smearballs <<
  Incredible editing skills used to inventively
  eliminate even the faintest whiff of sense from
  US daytime TV. With Whoopi Goldberg. Amazing
  stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whoopi_Goldberg_in_Sextape_by_Smearballs


  >> Chatbot vs. Chatbot <<
  Two AIs left to their own conversation,
  resulting in surrealist lols.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnzlbyTZsQY


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two-thirds watertight this week

  * 15 PRODUCTS MADE UNINTENTIONALLY OFFENSIVE BY
  CARELESS STICKER PLACEMENTS - we're guessing the
  word 'unintentionally' is misused. (via
  @rmt_1982)
http://bit.ly/oRqfJW 

  * OUR NEW FAVOURITE TENNIS PLAYER - Jack Sock.
  (via Rollerjooster)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Sock

  * FISH AND LIES - we're unsure about the
  accuracy of this slogan - spotted in a fish and
  chip shop we visited in Hastings.
http://yfrog.com/h0meycvj


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Disney Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us the dark side
  of Disney.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SMUG - internal B3ta meme pitches for Pixar
  (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10519339

  * PASTA - the lady is much more of a tramp than
  anyone thought (maiden)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10521284

  * HAIR - golden pubis thatch extension splendour
  (taters)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10517696


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/notdisney/


  >> New challenge: Sexy Everyday Objects <<
  Take a photo of everyday objects you've caught
  in compromising positions. Animating is
  optional, we just want to see the filthy buggers
  at it. Challenge suggested by HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/everydaysexy/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WIKIBITUARIES - last week we asked for a bank
  of crowdsourced obituaries, hopefully to get
  Z-listers to quit wasting their lives. Dave
  Gardiner has worked hard to oblige our whims.
  There's a few already in there, but please roll
  up your sleeves and get stuck in, if you have
  the celeb-venom to spare.
http://www.wikibituraries.com/index.php?title=Main_Page


  * REMOVING VOCALS - Mystery Bob writes, "In
  response to Kael's request in the newsletter,
  there is a way to sort-of remove vocals from
  things. I wrote about it here."
http://robbielesiuk.com/?p=253
  
   BTW: matthewpettyuk also asks, "Could someone
   also do the same for Radiohead? Yorke's voice
   does my bleeding head in."


  * SAGE ADVICE - Freakmandu writes, "Your recent
  top tip (ants and talc) is fine, but if the ants
  are coming into the kitchen I always use a sprig
  of sage. Ants hate the smell of it, and it
  smells much more appropriate for a kitchen than
  talc." We tell you what ants also hate: fire. A
  burning kitchen has no ants.


  * COMMERCIAL WORK FOR CYRIAK - He writes,
  "Here's another video I did for Trident.This one
  features a giant polar bear wearing red speedos,
  of course." We demand that ad people let Cyriak
  use his own music. DEMAND!
http://youtu.be/Vnm2fiLjN10 


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: FRIDAY GAME
  300 Lines

  A collaborative drawing app that shows the last
  300 lines draw. @user24 writes, "I'm telling
  you, once there are a few users on it, it goes
  totally mental."
http://300lin.es

  ALSO INTERESTING - but not something you can
  play in your browser is the stabyourself guys
  who are taking classic games and remixing them -
  Tetris with real world physics and Mario with
  Portal style shenanigans. 
http://stabyourself.net/nottetris2/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include *looks
  round kitchen for random inspiration*

  * MEATY SUBSTITUTES FOR VEGETABLES - why should
  vegetarians have all the fun with Quorn? We want
  carrots made of beef. 

  * CHEESE LIQUEUR - surely some genius can
  combine fromage and alcohol into something that
  makes you simultaneously fat and drunk?

  * ACORN PANCAKES - apparently if you blanch
  acorns in boiling water you can remove the
  bitterness, then grind them down and make flour.
  We can't be arsed to do this but we think of it
  every time we see oak trees. Now you will too.
  You bunch of squirrels.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @bounder, The
  Archduke of South London, planearm, dirtyscarab,
  irongibbon, editorialgirl, WiL, Newshack,
  johnsto, @DTL, TownsendsPublisher, @deltorro01,
  @edwardrussia, @DFLamont, @cookdandbombd.  Top
  Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Stallion_Explosion.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Sushi tastes much better cooked. Possibly with
  chips, also cooked.

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