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NEWSLETTER: "9/11 WAS A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE BRITS USE AMERICAN MONTH/DATE ORDER"

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This Week:
* PROSTITUTES - Most alarming Punternet reviews
* PAPER - Mystery sculptures of Scotland 
* PUPPIES - With wobbly ears

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're foraging for    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   internet toadstools
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"

B3ta email 495 - 9 Sept 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue495/

 Liberty cap :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Death cap :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  New Viz Profanisaurus Smartphone App

  The world's most comprehensive swearing
  dictionary, the legendary Profanisaurus, is now
  an app for iPhone, Android and Nokia
  smartphones. Featuring over 12,000 degenerate
  definitions, all cross-linked so you can make
  sense of what a "sleeping fruit bat" is, and you
  can send the best ones to your friends. Or their
  Mums.
http://bit.ly/pwEZLS


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making love to beautiful hands

  >> Meeting Philip Schofield <<
  "I stumbled across this one after it rendered
  itself on my computer last night," confesses
  Ornsack. You will not believe what the
  silver-haired earl of daytime TV is like in real
  life!
http://t.co/l9oJ7tu


  >> asdfmovie4 <<
  "The latest in TomSka's asdf saga!" exclaims
  Wonchop. "Animated by moi!" We're tremendous
  fans of these minimalist 5-second sketch
  extravaganzas. Why don't they have their own
  telly show already?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/asdfmovie4


  >> Hypnotic spiral generator <<
  "AKA the eye fucker upperer," explains
  sinisterduck. Ideal for the man whose computer
  doesn't yet make him fall into a deep and
  suggestible fugue state.
http://goo.gl/bAoa6


  >> Tyler's power kick <<
  "Like every proud dad says, 'He'll be playing
  for England when he's a big boy!'" coos Black
  Moon, with another pithy little special effects
  clip.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tylers_power_kick


  >> Drunk trees <<
  "I realised something about fallen trees last
  night", writes DefyingDarwin, "They look drunk,
  so I made this."
http://messytrees.tumblr.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Church

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked you about the big house that
  God visits and tells his flock to stay poor
  because heaven is great.
http://b3ta.com/questions/church/


  * DON'T MENTION THE WAR - "A colleague went on a
  business trip to Germany, and went on a tour of
  some kind of cathedral or something with the
  German business. The tour guide pointed out
  various things - the heavy oak doors, the ornate
  coverings on the altar, and a series of iron
  cages hung around the walls. The guide pointed
  to the cages and said in faltering English, 'and
  these cages, this is where we used to keep....
  um, here we used to put.....' There was a pause.
  'Jews?' suggested my colleague helpfully.
  'No... bags of grain to keep the mice away'."
  (browser)     

  * CHURCH-BASED PHYSICAL COMEDY - "My
  ultra-religious ex-boss had 4 kids. Between
  them, they had formed a happy clappy band, and
  played together every Sunday at church. It was,
  apparently, amazing. I know this because he told
  me all the time and endlessly tried to cajole me
  into coming. I ran out of excuses and agreed to
  go on a particular Sunday when I would be
  nearby. 

  "Eventually it was time to go in. I was ushered
  forward toward the door, and suddenly, I had an
  idea for a little joke. As I arrived at the
  door, right at the threshold, I hurled myself
  backward, trying to look as if I had walked into
  some sort of invisible barrier and had been
  repelled. I stumbled and fell on my arse, with
  mock amazement and surprise. Everyone stared. I
  stood up and said, 'I don't think God wants me
  inside.' 

  "My boss took me to one side and told me to go
  home. I have never seen anyone quite so
  unimpressed and I think there was a crying
  child.  Monday morning wasn't funny though. We
  never really had a good relationship from that
  point on. So the moral is, church can ruin your
  friendships, don't go kids." (I have run out of
  coke)
  
  * VISUAL COMEDY THAT WOULD WORK IN A FILM -
  "This story comes not strictly from a holy
  place, but does involve a very old air-powered
  organ used for daily hymns at a young Prime's
  old school. The size of the organ was, quite
  frankly, ridiculous in comparison to the
  assembly hall. Mighty, grey pipes stretched up to
  the ceiling, through decades-old intricate oak
  carvings, waxed and polished lovingly to form
  the pride centre-piece of the school. 

  "This organ was located at the very front of the
  main school hall, in full view of all the
  students. It was a huge source of pride for the
  Head Master, an ageing hulk of a man with a
  fiery temper.

  "The 800 or so students had filed into the hall
  as usual for morning assembly and hymns, being
  congratulated on the school's triumphs and
  scolded for incidents of bad behaviour, nothing
  unusual. Then came the time for the first hymn,
  a rousing number with a powerful opening chord.
  Organist at the ready, head teacher's chest
  swelling ready to lead the praise, the organ
  burst into life... and promptly fired out
  hundreds of ping pong balls the students had
  placed in the tubes the previous night. "
  (Roddimus_Prime)
  

  >> This Week: School Naughtiness <<
  The B3ta Confessional is open. What was the
  naughtiest thing you ever did at school? Us? One
  maths project was "design a board game" and we
  got stuck so nicked an idea from a book called
  something like "100 ancient Chinese board
  games". We got a B for it. So there you go - our
  school rated a game played for thousands of
  years as a B.
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolnaughtiness/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Punternet reviews <<
  We've covered Punternet - the site where
  prostitute users review prostitutes - before in
  B3ta, but here's a nice selection of alarming
  quotes from the punters.
http://goo.gl/77Giu
  

  >> Dinosaur compensation <<
  Excellent customer service from M&S - a
  complaining costumer asked them to draw a
  smiling dinosaur - and they did. If we was asked
  to draw a Smiling Dinosaur we'd type "Smiling
  Dinosaur" into Google too - which says something
  odd about the sameyness of our culture.
http://loonyletters.com/ms-sandwiches/


  >> Paper sculptures for libraries <<  
  Paper sculptures that keep appearing in
  Edinburgh - they appear to be a cross between a
  promotion for Scottish crime writer Ian Rankin
  and a protest about the cuts. Beautiful either
  way, although there is some conceptual conflict
  in making art supporting reading & libraries by
  destroying books with scissors.
http://goo.gl/Q6KfG


  >> Gay homophobe chart <<
  Takes one to know one! Chart of high-profile
  homophobes caught red-handed in the act of bum
  love.
http://www.gayhomophobe.com
 
 
  >> Beard song <<
  Stubble rash be damned! Power rock ditty,
  changing any preconceptions you may have about
  making whoopee with the more hirsute-faced
  gentleman. Facials optional.
http://soundcloud.com/the-beards/you-should-consider
 

  >> Google Correlate <<
  Who would have thought that random search data
  would be hours of fun? Draw a line, any line, and
  Google Correlate will give you trends relating
  to your line. We've just tested it by drawing a
  penis and it gave us 'premade layouts for
  Myspace' - with cock and Myspace both peaking in
  early 2007.
http://www.google.com/trends/correlate/draw


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Puppy with wobbly ears

  It's the music that makes it - the
  arpeggio-smothered Never Ending Story from
  Limahl / Giorgio Moroder. And the puppy of
  course. We imagine he's dreaming about flying
  on the back of a magic dragon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y0fms_yL7U


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like telly but with fuck all continuity

  >> German cannibal song <<
  Armin Meiwes-inspired pop stylings. "I feel
  partially responsible for this," writes
  Steerable_forehead. "I used to babysit this
  crazy bastard with his cousin. He was brought up
  on a diet of Joy Division, exploitation movies
  and the finest toxic air the Northwest can
  provide."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pgrLq5a6IY


  >> The Great Canadian Appliance Jump <<
  Take 1 mobility scooter, 2 planks of wood and 3
  washing machines. Will they make the jump?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/10_10_for_effort:2


  >> Clever anti-booze commercial <<
  Watch the vid first, then watch it again with
  the mouse over it. Made us cringe with
  recognition. 
http://www.byturen.com/?r=facebook


  >> Man walks around <<
  Stunning CG short film. Think the Ministry of
  Silly Walks and then max it out to billion. Or a
  sillion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_walks_around


  >> Pedestrian bell <<
  Here's a tip - if you get behind people and ring
  a bicycle bell they'll get out of the way - even
  if you don't have a bike. Brilliant idea. 
http://t.co/vzqDYEm


  >> The War Game <<
  Yonks ago we heard about a BBC film from 1965
  about nuclear war that was suppressed from
  broadcast for being too much. Just remembered to
  check it out and it's utterly amazing. Even
  after all these years it still packs a powerful
  anti-nukes punch. Also what interests us -
  despite nuclear weapons stockpiling being
  bigger than ever AND also in the hands of who
  knows who - it's a subject that's still mostly
  off the public map. Who talks about it? Don't
  have nightmares. BTW: Peter Watkins's other films
  are also interesting - been doing a mini season
  of them in B3ta towers - Punishment Park being
  particularly good.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2864871032688882557


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Like gargling with broken glass

  * TOSSAPORN - Apparently 'Tossaporn' is a first
  name in Thailand. 
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3203497/

  * GOATSEx2 - murphy.claire writes, "I'm getting
  into the business of making cakepops (think
  lollipops but with cake) at the moment, and my
  speciality is making stuff that's gross. I keep
  it in my goatse mug on my desk at work..."
http://i.imgur.com/qOXl9.png

  * KATY PERRY - if you were in any doubt about
  the size of her breasts, Google is here to help
  you. Thanks Google! 
http://i.imgur.com/mCvKm.png 

  * THE WHALE iPHONE IMAGE - everywhere at the
  moment, we were tweeted it at least 4 times.
http://i.imgur.com/Y0pTu.png


-------------------------------------------------

: STUPID AMAZON REVIEW CORNER
  Speaker cables for $8450

  Ghostwriter writes, "It's another one of those
  Amazon-review-spam things, but I quite enjoyed
  it. It's for massively overpriced speaker
  cables."

  E.g. "If there is one cable I would
  whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting
  needs, this would be the cable. No other cable
  has the tensile strength to properly and
  efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate
  an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000J36XR2/b3ta-20


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Sexy Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show everyday
  objects behaving in a saucy manner.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SHOWER - pesky shower head in
    indiscreet onanism shocker (E_Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/10523392

  * PERIPHERAL - a computer mouse that
    looks a bit like a ladyminge (tedster)
http://b3ta.com/board/10524809

  * HOLE - gasping gingerbread man in
    animated donut shame (Fresh Cuppa Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10523772

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/everydaysexy/


  >> New challenge: Tea <<
  The average Briton consumes 2.5 kilos of tea
  every year, the highest in the world. This
  week's challenge is to celebrate that
  supremacy. It's a one word challenge: Tea.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tea/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * WiFi SWAPPING - just noticed there are 10
  strongish wifi signals in the B3ta kitchen. If
  only people co-operated a bit, that would be one
  way to lower your bills. Although if we did all
  start doing this they'd probably start putting
  ads on TV going, "Your neighbours are
  paedophiles, do you want to go to jail for them?"

  * A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO NON-SHIT BRANDS - socks
  that don't wear out after a few washes, chests
  of drawers that don't fall apart, knives and
  forks that don't go all bendy.
  
  * LOGAN'S RUN FOR CATS - pets should have jewels
  in their paws that kill them off at around ten,
  before they get all manky.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by nikjohns, @editorialgirl,
  @bounder, @bengoldacre, @myparrotsteeth,
  @planetxanna, @ErikaMoen, @revdancatt,
  @codepo8, gingerbenji, @katylindemann,
  @yezzerm, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
  Bootsthealchemist, taters, @rmt_1982, blahblah,
  @cr3, @fatherjack.
  Top Tippery by wehttamman.
  Additional writing on Sites in Brief by
  @tokyo_sexwhale. Thanks!
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Like chocolate and want to eat more of it but
  don't want to get fat? Tough luck.

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