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NEWSLETTER: "IF WE'RE 'ALL IN THIS TOGETHER' WHERE'S OUR COKE AND HOOKERS? "

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This Week:
* TOURETTE'S - vs. Lionel Richie's 'Hello'
* GORILLA - Baby ape bath-time frolics
* EXTREME - Fanciful cat baskets

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're leaking nude 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      photos of our arse
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        ...together"

B3ta email 496 - 16th Sept 2011

Write this issue with piss in snow:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue496/

    Squirrels:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsquirrels:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED RINKADINKY LINKY
  Nominate your hero to carry the Olympic Torch

  8,000 UK Torchbearers are going to carry the
  Olympic Torch, and this is your chance to say
  who it should be. Is your local lollipop lady a
  pillar of the community? Does your charitable
  neighbour deserve some recognition? If you know
  someone who goes the extra mile, nominate them
  now to carry the Olympic Torch!
http://bit.ly/pLqxYI


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  The newsletter is funded by a trickle of
  advertising cash, if you like our ramblings
  then ask a responsible adult to support us:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Recession, Darkness and Running

  >> Sir Ian Bowler explains the recession <<
  Government mouthpiece Sir Ian "talks us through
  the third successive quarter of an under-
  performing economy," explains Natt. He's
  crammed some quite excellent lines into this one.
http://goo.gl/YH0KW


  >> None More Black <<
  "I've made a game," squees Steve Bromley. "It's
  a Spinal Tap-inspired, asteroid’s style
  escape-em-up. Sounds great, no?" Genuinely a
  challenge, to avoid oncoming death on a
  pitch-black screen.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/spanrah/none-more-black


  >> 10k Run simulator <<
  "I'm running the Edinburgh 10k," spurts Anthony
  Gowland. "But that's not very interesting -
  So I've also written a little, old-school
  button-mashing game about running the Edinburgh
  10k. It's for charity." The challenge is to set
  a pace you can maintain for the entirety of the
  race's simulated 10km.
http://bit.ly/o8b1Wj


-------------------------------------------------

  1. Google 'hmrc'
  2. Look at the second link
  3. Be amused that the real HMRC probably
     aren't that happy about this 

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  School Naughtiness

  Last week we asked for the naughtiest thing
  you'd ever done at school. Read on for tales
  of childish silliness, and that's just the
  teachers amongst you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolnaughtiness/

  * OOF - "You think kids are cruel? Bullshit.
  Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly
  and effectively as teachers. It's all behind
  closed doors of course, but for every stupid
  nickname given to a teacher, they respond with
  one for the kids. They know the ones that smell
  of wee, the ones wearing pyjamas to school, the
  semi-autistic special cases, the spunkers who
  smell of fag smoke and handjobs, the fatsos and
  sissies, the pseudo-hardmen and needy geeks. The
  cruellest thing I ever was privy to was when I
  was on a placement, manfully trying to impose my
  will and lesson plan on an apathetic group of 14
  year-olds who were wondering who the fuck I was,
  when there was a knock on the door. I went to
  answer it, and there was a young girl with livid
  ginger hair that looked unbrushed since birth,
  in a badly home-knitted jumper, with buck teeth
  and the coarse red cheeks which curse some
  gingers. "Mr Andrews asked me to give you this."
  She passed a note. I opened it. It said, "THIS
  HAS GOT TO BE THE UGLIEST KID IN THE WHOLE
  SCHOOL." (chinaman)
	 
  * STNIRP ERSA - "My old science teacher used to
  always lean against the same desk, in exactly
  the same place, at the back of the class. Me and
  my mate Peter had the idea of backwards writing
  in thick chalk on the edge of the desk. We could
  not have hoped for it to work as well as it did,
  so every week for three years we managed to get
  a message printed onto his arse, starting with
  mature things like "I'm gay" or "I like little
  boys" but moving towards self referential "I am
  a message on your bum" to serialised "you will
  never catch us", over a five week period. On our
  last day, Peter, me and late recruit Vikesh
  confessed all and, to be fair to him, he shook
  us by the hand and said he had taken it in good
  fun, but had had no idea how the fuck kids had
  managed to write on his arse without him
  noticing." (clinteastwoodbradfield)
	 
  * RIP - "In Junior School we had to file into
  assembly to classical music and in the last year
  a rota was run for setting out the teachers
  chairs, which were metal-framed with a canvas
  seat and back. Even as an 8-year-old I had a
  very acute sense of justice and felt that the
  chiding I had received from Mrs Lee, Head
  Teacher and professional fat ass, for doing
  handstands was completely unjust. As we dragged
  chairs across the gym, I thought about how much
  I hated Mrs Lee and wanted to give her a Chinese
  burn. I lifted a chair from the stack and
  noticed that it had a long rip in the middle and
  was quite frayed around the edges. I put it
  front and centre where Mrs Lee would usually sit
  and lent on the canvas with my elbow till I
  heard a faint tearing noise. I would let Mrs Lee
  do the rest. Soon time came for us to march into
  assembly to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture... Mrs
  Lee started her monologue but I didn't hear it;
  I was waiting for the moment. Finally it came.
  She sat. The canvas gave way and she plunged
  arse first through the metal frame, arms and
  legs waving frantically as the skirt she was
  wearing colourfully framed her dimpled hairy
  thighs and greying pants. 200 7-11 year olds and
  a few teachers giggled hysterically as two male
  staff reluctantly came to her rescue by bracing
  a leg on the chair and pulling her out by her
  arms. In my mind, I hear her POP as she is
  freed." (GirlOfTheWorld)


  >> This Week's Question - I never ever <<
  Tell us about the awful, terrible things you've
  never done... but secretly have:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notme/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Television caption photos <<
  "Is there such a thing as insanity... among
  penguins?"
  "I don't like the name Joey Meatballs"
  "So I had sex with a pinata" 
http://t.co/ylWUzMaI


  >> OCD Madness <<
  The extent of our OCD is the feeling, say if we
  buy a CD, we then want all the CDs on the shelf
  (we mostly resist, but the pull is there.) At
  least we're not this guy.  
http://goo.gl/33gVV


  >> "CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE RICK" <<
  Wonderful MSN chats between a man and a cat. 
http://louisvsrick.tumblr.com


  >> Amazingly awful/brilliant movie posters <<
  "These movie posters were all created by artists
  in Ghana to promote travelling movie shows and
  sell tickets to bootleg screenings of various
  western and local movies," writes the site.
  Scroll down to Cujo for megalolz.
http://goo.gl/wpncn


  >> If this then that <<
  Super-clever webservice builder where you can
  check for events and make things happen. We've
  racked our brain to think of a robo-task and the
  best we can do is "if Toby Young tweets, reply to
  it with a picture of a dick."
http://ifttt.com/wtf


  >> Nokia Tune remake competition <<
  Nokia are running a competition to find the next
  version of their famous "Nokia Tune" ringtone.
  The most popular entry is a thing of rare
  beauty...
http://nokiatune.audiodraft.com/entries/mostliked


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby Gorilla & Chimp in the bath 

  Anyone who's got kids (and our advice is don't,
  as the cost will condemn you to serfdom) will
  recognise this scene. 
http://bit.ly/nuTy1u


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Sky+ box with an EPG written by mentals
 
  >> You will be disturbed <<
  The salty tears of the baby Christ this video is
  making us feel emotions we don't have words for.
  Warning: Contains death footage of Tommy Cooper.
http://youtu.be/8QekYyN32PI


  >> Tourette's Karaoke <<
  Right-wing climate change-denying journalist Milo
  Yiannopoulos sent us this rather wonderful clip
  of a man suffering from tourette's whilst singing
  Lionel Ritchie's Hello. It's like our internal
  monologue when we read the Telegraph.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKPD2sIkx98


  >> Fan-made Britney Spears Circus video <<
  NSFW because of oddness. Also, we advise you not
  to fancy the pretty lady in it. Well, unless
  that's your thing. Then be our guest.
http://goo.gl/j73Vi


  >> Drive Recklessly <<
  A poignant reminder of what may happen if you
  drive fast.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drive_Recklessly


  >> The Malls of Dubai - Song by Rohit <<
  You don't get to hear much about Dubai, except as
  playground for the super rich. But what's it like
  to be a teenage kid there? Rohit is here to tell
  you, in song, giving you a tour of all the
  bloody malls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJDZrw8TUm8


  >> Taxidermy advert <<
  "Noooope - Chuck Testa," will be your new
  catchphrase, once you watch this deadpan advert
  for the taxidermy skills of Chuck.
http://t.co/eiy8G6V6


  >> The Shining Vs Lennon's "Instant Karma  <<
  Frightening edit of The Shining to John Lennon's
  "Instant Karma" - which is where Stephen King
  got the name from. An orgy of violent images and
  violent editing. Is this just disturbing with no
  point other than to shock?  NSFW.
http://goo.gl/d7Ofa


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Redefining funny to mean shit since 2001

  * BILL PAYER - could be a small example of
  partial nominative determinism as, well, you're
  going to give him a job because he's the kind of
  guy you want - someone who pays his bills.
http://twitter.com/#!/bpayerCBS42


  * SAY IT OUT LOAD - double2 writes, "I found it
  in one of those moments where you just make up
  funny names and google them. Excellent result I
  feel."
http://www.homedecorworld.com/isabelleendtable.aspx 


  * SCARGILL ON A BMX! We're hoping this phrase
  might become as popular as Christ on a Bike.
  BTW: The pic is from photographer Martin
  Shakeshaft - google him if that's your thing.
http://yfrog.com/nu5zhfj


  * HEADLINE OF THE NANOSECOND - "Gordon Ramsay’s
  Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger" - hard to
  establish the truth in this, but what a headline.
http://goo.gl/s4kSB


-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Sinead O'Connor

  One-time singer and Pope-agitator Sinead
  O'Connor is on Twitter and she's got a potty
  mouth. Love her. Examples include:

  * "I went to the doctor. Guess what he told me?
  Guess what he told me? He said 'girl u better
  stop sticking popular fruit + veg up ur gool.'

  * "Can't believe oprah's twitter is listed as
  similar to mine! She doesn't take it up the
  shitter does she?"

  * And reply to Emma Freud (the great
  granddaughter of Sigmund let's not forget),
  "@emmafreud it's all about lube though ladies.
  Don't just let him in there un-prepared."
http://twitter.com/howryeh


-------------------------------------------------

: EXTREME CAT HOMES
  Three ideas for kitteny dwelling lols

  * CAT TARDIS - Astromark has a cat called
  Kaylee. He's built her her own Tardis, so she
  can travel through time and defeat cybermice.
http://t.co/dNs9SdKM

  * CAT FIGHTER PLANE - @editorialgirl writes, "We
  bought ours a fighter plane but he didn't like
  it. As he got in, the wing scraped on the floor
  and scared the shit out of him. He wouldn't go
  near it again." 
http://t.co/xm45AxVv

  * SPACE CAT - It's the carpety USS Enterprise
  that gives us mini-lols here. (via @SimonNRicketts)
http://tinyurl.com/5ws8mbh


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Tea Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the
  majesty of tea.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WAR - the battle of Iwo Jima, with added
  teapot (RATTLEHEAD)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528635

  * PEE - striped mug in athletic urine drinking
  spectacle (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528549

  * GIFT - impressively laboured pun in Doctor Who
  giveaway drama (Griffy Savalas)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528713

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tea/


  >> New challenge: Fluffy the Penguin <<
  To mark the solemnity of b3ta's 10th
  anniversary, we're repeating one of the very
  first challenges. So photoshop this penguin, for
  he is Fluffy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fluffypenguin/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MUSIC THINGIE - manolith writes, "If you don't
  have a sponsored link for this week's
  newsletter, would you consider pimping a link
  for a musician acquaintance of mine? It's kind
  of a kickstarter-style thing." Aha, but we do
  have a sponsored linky; for the Olympics of all
  things. Manolith continues, "Needs enough people
  to 'pledge' to buy the album or it won't get
  released and that would be sad. He's an
  excellent and unique musician who plays a bunch
  of incredible, self-built instruments." Oh go on
  then.
http://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/truax-monthly-journal


  * OLD BASH PHOTOS - as it's our 10th birthday
  Joel writes, "I found hundreds of old photos
  from b3ta bashes on my computer. A lot are from
  Nacho, lots from other people as well I guess.
  Anyway, it's 10th anniversary day so I thought
  I'd whack them all in a flickr set. It's HISTORY
  that's what this is. This is IMPORTANT DAMMIT."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/joelveitch/sets/72157627652490478/


  * OLD M3TATWEENING PROJECT - Professor Fnord
  writes, "From a project I did on the board in
  2003. 20 b3tans working in isolation with only a
  start frame, an end frame and total freedom to
  get from one to the other in any way. With the
  10 year anniversary a lot of the old b3tans have
  appeared and have been asking to see this again
  because it's not been on any video hosts, it was
  just a direct download that went offline."
http://goo.gl/fESvN


-------------------------------------------------

: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
  Shit 9/11 Tributes
  
  Last week was Ground Zero's 10th birthday and
  Serge-Fabrizio writes, "I saw these awful things
  and thought they were ripe for newslettering.
  Fender have released these dreadful, tacky
  abominations to commemorate 9/11, not too bad at
  first glance, then you see the policeman
  graphic. What is he even meant to be holding?"
http://goo.gl/cedtX


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Mental pong
  
  Jasper Kingjay writes, "I do like Friday games
  in the newsletter. I do. I really do. And I know
  you are fond of classics. So here is Mental
  Pong, made by a friend of mine. It's meant to
  drive you mental. And trololol is in there.
  Website is in Dutch, but you'll manage."
http://www.365dagenkunst.nl/2011/mentalpong/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * REBELLING AGAINST OUR BANKING OVERLORDS - e.g.
  quantitative easing = banks printing money =
  inflation = my money worth less. We propose
  quantitative payment. Where we pay less for
  bills.

  * TECH VS WASHING MACHINE - our Casio watch
  survived a go in the Bosch. What else can endure
  a hot spin? (Warning: Don't try pets, we learnt
  the hard way.)
  
  * BUBBLE BATH IN A JACUZZI - we did this without
  thinking once in a hotel. Turned us into a foam
  monster. Try it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  People who smell of flowers:
                b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  People who smell of wee:
              b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @deltorro01,
  c111zd954s, CIIJASIIE, @RobbieDHall, nowaydude,
  a username, utd_shed_boy, @bne, HappyToast,
  @GigerPunk, "SnowyTheRabbit", @ToastMaster,
  @pieceoplastic, Linbox, @davemayhem,
  tokyosexwhale and benryves. Top Tippery by
  Discocat Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga & Drunken Miss
  Holly. If you can read this, you forgot to
  unsubscribe.


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  TOP TIP:
  Have a wank. Go on, you'll be glad you did.

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