NEWSLETTER: "WOOT WOOT 500TH NEWSLETTER"
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| SPECIAL B3TA 500TH EDITION COUPON |
| 'cos all the cool kids love coupons these days|
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| Simply present this to you current employer |
| and get a free, yes FREE, P45 |
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This Week:
* CHIP SHOP - a celebration in rap
* BARONESS THATCHER - Your sexy fanfic
* FOOD - Shepherds' Trifle
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're drinking
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the Kool-aid
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 500 - 14 Oct 2011
Confuse your Siri by shouting this issue at it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue500/
Drinking: [email protected]
Vomiting: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Jack Draws Anything book
Ed (Jack's Dad) writes, "Hey, B3ta mentioned
Jack a few months back and his great project -
Jack draws anything. We got a lot of input from
your readers and some of their requests made it
into the book which is just out. Any chance we
could get a wee plug as it raises further funds
for the Sick Kids. Jack has now raised over
£30,000 for charity."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/144490747...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us. We only bite
if you pay us to bite.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Shifle, Porn, Paranoia and Chips
>> Shepherd's Trifle <<
"Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel
accidentally made half an English trifle and
half a shepherd's pie?" prompts pollyoc. "My
friends didn't think it would taste that bad
and claimed they'd eat it no problem." Some
lovely moments of foody disgust.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "I was looking at porn" <<
"I wrote a song. I made a video," writes ginger
fuhrer Rob. It's about George Osborne. Might be
NSFW, depending on your office.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_was_looking_at_porn
>> Paranoid Cat a la Hanna-Barbera <<
You've almost certainly already seen the original
Paranoid Cat vid, but fear not, as aMac has
improved it. "I had nothing better to do today so
I crudely knocked this together," he confesses.
http://b3ta.com/links/Paranoid_Cat_a_la_Hanna_Barb...
>> cHip sHop - tickle vs dead prez <<
"What are you having for dinner?" inquires
tickle. Full-length celebration of what our local
chippie describes as 'the healthiest meal for all
the family'. Minor swears, because it's 'street'.
http://b3ta.com/links/cHip_sHop_tickle_vs_dead_pre...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Iffy Crushes
Last week we asked who you'd like to have sex
with that isn't top of everyone's list. And why.
It's the reasons why that are scaring us:
http://b3ta.com/questions/iffycrushes/
* BARONESS THATCHER - "Hear me out. Not nowadays
obviously, but back in her prime as the dynamic,
groundbreaking, most important woman in the
world heyday. Imagine the thrill of an illicit
liaison in the corridors of power... You in your
sharp pin-stripe whistle, the PM in a racing
green tartan suit with shoulderpads and the
finest pearls on her pale neck, her blouse open
just enough for you to get an idea of the lazy
curve that leads to her puffy, ginger-girl
breasts. She beckons you into her private office
and, once the oak door slides shut behind you,
she grabs you by the tie and pulls you over to
her desk. She strips you down to your Churchs
and sockgarters, orders you to spread yourself
across the green leather of her desktop. Her
voice is commanding but unlike her usual
powerful oratory, there is a hint of derision.
She intends to fuck you like everyone else.
Looking back over your shoulder you see the
baroness in all her glory, a metallic strap-on
clamped over her M&S unmentionables. Startled,
you turn to face her, both appalled and aroused
as you realise the true origin of her nickname
'The Iron Lady'" (WormuIus)
* BOTTOMY - "Back in 1992 Hugh Lennon was just a
jobbing hypnotist doing the Student Union Bar
rounds. If I recall, his show was free as part
of my Fresher's Week which is why I ended up
watching my heavy metal freak flatmate prove
that he knew all the words to 'Bad' along with
most of the dance moves. In fact, being a
skinny, weird looking white bloke dressed head
to toe in black, he looked uncannily like the
real thing. I watched a girl I don't know eat an
onion like it was an apple and a couple of guys
get electric shocks every time they sat on their
chairs. And then I watched Mai, the Malaysian
Medical Student, being put in his trance and
told he was all alone in a room. What followed,
while hilarious to me at the time, is what has
left me with a lifelong distaste for stage
hypnotism, because it's fucking cruel. Mai
described a bedroom, described being tied down
on a bed. Hugh Lennon said something like, "Your
ideal woman has just walked in, can you tell us
who is there with you?" And we laughed, cruelly
and spitefully when he answered "Virginia
Bottomley." This would have been hard enough to
live down, but Hugh wasn't done with the
nastiness, not by a long shot. "And what is
*snigger* Virginia Bottomley doing?" "She's
pushing a broom handle up my bum." (scarpe)
* THE QUEEN - "Simply to see if she tastes of
stamps...you know, down there..." (Godwin's
Lawyer)
>> This Week's Question - Mysteries <<
Tell us about your feats of deduction and the
little mysteries you've solved. Alternatively,
tell us about the simple, everyday things that
mystify you still. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wearedetective/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Highdeas - stoner logic <<
A site for the thoughts you came up with whilst
on drugs. E.g. "Midget Village: Buy a forest.
Adopt 8 midget babies every year (mixed race).
Be the only non-midget around and raise them to
think you're their god."
http://highdeas.com/popular/topalltime
>> Are most movies and TV sexist? <<
There is a test - The Bechdel Test - and it's
illuminating - a film is worth seeing if:
1) There are at least two named female
characters, who
2) Talk to each other about
3) Something other than a man.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zizyphus/34585797/
>> Family tech support woe <<
The meme for people who have to do tech support
for family members.
http://bit.ly/fYWF2H
>> Shit that Siri says <<
Apparently the new iPhone 4S responds to voice
commands (we remember crap like this in the 90s
called Dragon Dictate and it was bloody awful) -
and, unsuprisingly, it reads like Hal on stupid
pills. Still, as a vision of a future, where
we're plugged in and talking to electronic
devices instead of friends, why do we even need
dystopian sci-fi anyway?
http://shitthatsirisays.tumblr.com
>> 1976 Argos catalogue scan... <<
If you loved the 80's one, this will equally
delight and confuse... and make you covet the
precious, precious shiny that can no longer be
bought. You could always try looking in landfills.
http://goo.gl/ocvwj
>> Blog about talking to people on Tube <<
More interesting than it sounds. London newcomer
aims to break the "no talking to strangers on
the Tube" rule by aggressively chatting people
up, with mixed results.
http://londontalkingblog.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Tiny tellylols
>> "A magazine is an iPad that doesn't work" <<
Interesting take on that vid doing the rounds,
the one that shows a one-year-old child being
unable to operate a magazine. We can't get over
how quickly it'll date with phrases like
"Steve Jobs has recoded her OS".
http://goo.gl/hhBgQ
>> The Thing: The Musical <<
John Carpenter's body horror classic, in a new,
musical interpretation. Guaranteed* to be
better than the remakequelfranchisingation
they're currently doing.
*Terms and conditions apply.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Thing_The_Musical
>> Snoop Dog meets champion vegetable grower <<
In the run-up to a Cardiff concert, Snoop
sought the advice of Welsh farmer Ian Neale on
"growing plants". Mr. Neale is the record
holder for the world's largest swede.
http://goo.gl/4vcYc
>> Plot Device <<
Cracking actioner, as young film-maker buys the
one thing still missing from his ambitious
first project. Awesome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Plot_Device:2
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny as in shit, as per usual
* BBC DEAF CAPTIONS - they meant "wellies" not
"willies"
http://goo.gl/UvvsJ
* GREATEST NAME EVER - The URL spoils the
surprise, so we're going to shorten it.
http://goo.gl/e9Atn
* PUBES LOGO - Yeah yeah, everyone has a logo
that looks like a penis these days but what
about one that looks like the clippings you'd
leave after a trimming?
http://www.morphinterior.com/
* EXPENSIVE WATCH - with tits.
http://goo.gl/mcmS8
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Keyboard Cat cuddly toy
They dug oil out of the ground. Kids worked for
slave wages. Humanity crushed and a planet
destroyed, all to gouge pennies out of nerds
who liked a web joke. Civilisation really
isn't worth saving.
http://pic.twitter.com/iX8w4d7p
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: FRIDAY GAME
Real citizenship test
Immigrants coming to the UK have to do a
citizen test, asking them arcane points about
UK law that few who live here actually know
about. This would be a much better test:
http://www.realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the dinosaur challenge
Last week we wanted you to send us money and
drugs but instead you chose to fiddle with
photoshop.
Your best (non money or drugs) work includes:
* NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - (Mozza)
http://b3ta.com/board/10562905
* JURASSIC PARK - (Joe Scaramanga)
http://b3ta.com/board/10563078
* JEALOUS GIRAFFES - (Ben Molesworth )
http://b3ta.com/board/10563290
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndinosaurs/
>> New challenge: What would Jesus do? <<
Imagine Jesus solving the ordinary problems of
the modern world. Getting a place on the Tube,
putting together an Ikea desk or trying to cook
up a reasonable meal when there's bugger all in
the fridge.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/whatwouldjesusdo/popular...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EARWAX CANDLES - "If you've already been sent
this, then I apologise," writes evil_andy.
Although, frankly, he should apologise anyway,
as an actual, real-life earwax candle is
incredibly gross. Seriously, we threw up a
little in our mouths.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: OBITS
Valin
Michael writes, "Valin aka Nick Rae died
Tuesday morning oct 11th at 8:30 a.m. He loved
this forum. He will be missed, like rain or
summer."
http://www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SELLOTAPE YOUR THUMBS TO YOUR HANDS - what's
it like living without opposable thumbs?
* FOOD THAT TAKES A LONG TIME TO EAT BUT ISN'T
CALORIFIC - we noticed that the Eat chicken
noodle soup took us 4 times as long to eat as
our friend's sandwich but was about 290calories
and left us feeling rather full. Surely more
food should be designed like this to stop us
all being fatties?
* CYBERCHRIST - turn off your iPhone, social
networks and the electronic nipple of the
internet for 40 days and 40 nights. No matter
how the Devil tempts you, do not weaken. Write
what you learn as some kind of Bi(nary)ble.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by UltimateMonkey, JC Custer,
@piersb @ereuben, @lrs, the_log_knows, jhex6,
beaverwastemanagement, BrokenToaster, Kushan,
*not logged in*, gibell, concurrency,
@mattround, @Grant___ Grant
Top Tippery by (robneymcplum)
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Surprise your partner when receiving oral sex
by texting to inform them.
