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NEWSLETTER: "SPOILER ALERT: YOU AND EVERYONE YOU EVER LOVED WILL DIE"

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This Week:
* MICROSOFT WORD - Clip art album covers
* CHALLENGE - Christmas with James Bond
* QUESTION - Your weird OCD rituals

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the cats'   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  faces to convert them 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| into monkeys... together"

B3ta email 509 - 16 Dec 2011

Read this issue backwards and invoke our Dark Lord:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue509/

          Cake:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Poisoned cake:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Joypad for your phone

  If you play emulators on your smartphone
  you'll know that they are shit for one reason
  - on-screen joypads suck all the joy out of
  playing games and make it feel like your
  fingers are touching death. Help is at hand
  with the wonderful iControlPad - also works
  with iPads, iPhones, Androids and probably
  some other stuff if it's blue and bit toothy. 
http://www.icontrolpad.com/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Clip-art, Hedgehogs, Parties and OsPORN

  >> Clip-art album covers <<
  "Regarding Comic Sans bands (suggested in last
  week's newsletter): I got bored and did some
  classic covers," reveals CornishCalzone. The
  Velvet Underground cover actually looks good.
  Probably the way they'd do it, if starting up
  today.
http://clipartcovers.tumblr.com/


  >> Singing Christmas Hedgehogs! <<
  Adorable carolling hedgehogs are waiting to take
  your Christmas requests. "Pick a singer," urges
  hog-wrangler Bewley.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Singing_Christmas_Hedgehogs


  >> Office Party Rescue <<
  "However badly you disgrace yourself at the
  office party - this guy will top it," explains
  the enigmatic steinerdrome. Timely advice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Party_Rescue:3


  >> George osPORN <<
  "I know people accuse George Osborne of fucking
  the country but I didn't realise they meant
  literally..." wails B3tan Housewife. Very NSFW,
  despite being edited together entirely out of
  parliamentary footage. Ed Balls's face is a
  picture.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_osPORN


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your Biggest Sexual Regrets

  If you ever wondered if you were having a
  worse time sexually than everyone else, wonder
  no more. You're totally sorted, mate:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/

  * THE REPORT - "I left boarding school like
  most Catholic males did in the 70s:
  psychologically fucked up, no knowledge of the
  opposite sex, bar nuns and porn (not together
  either) and with alternating uncontrollable
  lust and crushing, unmerited guilt. Oh, and no
  social skills except persistence. Off to Uni I
  go, where I find that the skills picked up at
  the 6th year mixed discos we'd been allowed (5
  minute dance, lights off, frenzied mutual
  wank, nip out for fag while she wept quietly)
  didn't stand me in good stead. And then I met
  Mary, who was a biology PhD student, and
  therefore a) older and b) used to gutting
  small furry animals. Bought her a drink, got
  face slapped, bought her another, got wry
  smile refusal, bought her another, got "You
  really don't give up, do you?". "Er, no"
  "Right, Friday afternoon, Block x Room yyy.
  Wash, shave, clean teeth. Bring change of
  clothes and enough money for a decent
  restaurant. Tell no one." On arrival, novel
  filth (to me) ensued. I was instructed on the
  location and proper use of the various
  ladybits, and how to make absolutely sure
  their owner had more fun than I ever would.
  Then there was Introductory Prostate Handling,
  a shower, Gentlemanly Weight Distribution 101,
  a cigarette, tooth brushing, Keeping the Ears
  Warm, and finally For God's Sake, Can't You
  Manage Another One? The meal took most of my
  grant for the next month. We returned for more
  filth. She chucked me out at 2 am to face an 8
  mile walk back to the 1st year residences.
  After a week with no contact, I wandered into
  Bio and asked her dept head if I could talk to
  her. He gave me a long searching look, not
  without a smile, and handed me an envelope.
  Inside was a dissection protocol form, but
  instead of a description of eviscerated
  hamsters, there was a report headed
  "Investigation of Immature Male Hominid" with
  a mark out of 10 for every perversion we'd
  perpetrated. None of them was over 6. What do
  I regret? Not the sex, not the meal, not the
  humiliation. I regret missing the Dungeons and
  Dragons meet that Friday, where my 43rd level
  cleric got lent out by the DM and killed by a
  spod from Social Sciences. Told you I was
  fucked up." (all my scars face forward)
	 
  * THE LIST - "I was about 26 years old, when
  during a friendly discussion at the local the
  conversation moved on to heaven. Everyone
  piped up with theories until one friend said,
  "I was at this comedy show one time when the
  guy doing stand-up made a quip about heaven.
  He said that all of the religions had got it
  wrong, and when you die, what actually happens
  is a guy shows up with a clipboard and simply
  passes it to you." "And...?" "And on that
  clipboard is a list, with the names of every
  woman in your life that would have had sex
  with you had you merely asked". He went on to
  tell us that all of the women at the show
  burst out laughing, whilst he sat shocked,
  gazing around and seeing similar expressions
  on the faces of every bloke in there. The same
  expressions on all of ours around that pub
  table all those years ago. I've never looked
  at life the same way since. My greatest sexual
  regret is that I didn't know about 'The List'
  sooner." (Regger)
	 
  * THE PASS - "She was a friend's younger
  sister. Just 18, about to go to Uni, a pocket
  sized blonde with big blue eyes, saucy smile &
  not a straight line on her. I'd appreciated
  her in a purely theoretical way to date. But
  now she had a teenage crush on me. Me? 12
  years older, and in a serious relationship,
  with my soon-to-be fiancee. So when this
  lively little blonde made her tentative
  approaches, I gently put her off. Pleased with
  my maturity and fortitude, I told my
  girlfriend of how I had manfully resisted the
  temptation. "Oh, she's really cute" she said.
  "I'd have given you a weekend pass for her."
  Bugger, fuck and bollocks." (North Utsira
  South Utsira)


  >> This Week's Question - Weird Rituals <<
  David Cameron holds in his piss in order to
  concentrate. What weird borderline OCD shit do
  you do and why? Talk to us here whilst
  jiggling your right foot:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * DA FEDZ WATCHING YOUR TORRENTS - it's easy
  to imagine you can download any old crap off
  the internet and no one knows. This site
  stores IP address and checks them against
  torrents and makes a stab at listing what
  you've been downloading. Might frighten you by
  being right, or come up with the same kind of
  false positive that the whole
  three-strikes-and-your-out bullshit will
  produce.
http://www.youhavedownloaded.com/


  * LONDON HISTORY BLOG WITH FABULOUS PHOTOS. We
  need to explore this more as it's packed full of quirky bits of ephemera from the recent past.
http://www.nickelinthemachine.com


  * TWITTER BY POST - an extraordinary attempt
  to connect with friends via postcards in the
  style of Twitter. Reminds us that our friends
  used to be more than people who could RT us to
  bolster up our ego.
http://t.co/0d6vqmiI


  * WHERE THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FOR A DRINK -
  neat idea although we disagreed with
  suggestions for our local area. Suggesting a
  shit pub full of gastro food frequented by
  twats.
http://wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/


  *  THE SECRET HISTORY OF BAND AID - amusing
  post speculating about the line ups for Band
  Aid 3, 4 etc.
http://freakytrigger.co.uk/ft/2004/11/the-secret-history-of-band-aid/


  * DEVASTATING EXPLOSIONS - Yes it's spammy
  internet marketing for Old Spice. But fuck it,
  BOOM!
http://www.devastatingexplosions.com/



-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  The 30 Most Important Cats of 2011 

  2011 has been a shit year for cats in B3ta
  Towers; the official cat Rocky died of old age
  and we got some kittens. Turns out we're
  horribly allergic and we had to give them to a
  friend. So let's celebrate virtual cats - ones
  that don't make you sneeze or die and make the
  kids cry:  
http://goo.gl/eKN6H


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Casio TV Watch but without a strap

  >> Ridiculous Dirt-biking mishap <<
  Out in the woods for a ride through the mud,
  what could possibly go wrong? Worth keeping the
  sound on, as his mates' helpless laughter adds
  to the joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Out_in_the_woods_for_a_ride


  >> Dubstep fluffeh <<
  Kittens waking up from painkillers after a
  visit to the vet. Very much the post-club trip to
  the kebab shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dubstep_fluffeh


  >> Friendly bear waves back <<
  Just one more reason to love the manliest
  animal there is (including humans).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Friendly_Bear_Waves_Back


  >> X-Factor voiceover man strikes back <<
  The bombastic announcer from X Factor lets us
  know what he really thinks. You're asking for
  this, when one bloke gets all the voiceover
  work - with barely any editing you can make him
  say anything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY94JmaTHW8


  >> Bearded dragon playing Ant Crusher <<
  Insectivorous lizard proves both motivated and
  awesome at smartphone game based on killing
  insects. Thus proving magazines are obsolete.
  Or something.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bearded_Dragon_playing_Ant_Crusher


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Loliphant graveyard - where funny goes to die

  * RADIO TRANSMISSION FAILURE - or radio
  presenter makes an astonishing confession.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radio_transmission_failure


  * BBC = BIG BLUEPRINTY COCK - There's nothing
  funny about the diagram halfway down the page
  in this sober story about Fukushima.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16212057


  * KEEP SCROLLING - there is a surprise. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scrolling_scrolling_scrolling_HEY


  * PERVERT TRAP - We don't believe this guy
  really has a room available - don't fall for
  the ploy, ladies. 
http://cardiff.craigslist.co.uk/roo/2721316451.html 


  * EASTER EGG - Google Maps gets cute, when
  asked for walking directions from The Shire to
  Mordor.
http://goo.gl/FSVam


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: BANNED WORDS/PHRASES FOR 2012
  Because our personal irritations are now law

  KLAXON,
  *breaking*
  *nom nom nom*
  just sayin'
  TWeologisms.
  My bad
  X much? As in "unoriginal much?"
  Smash it
  Totes
  "I used to be a X, but then I took an arrow in
   the knee"
  

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the NASA Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to mess with space.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WOOF - uncontrollable dog in space meme
  action (rotten eggs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626912

  * SKIP - meanwhile, on the dark side of the
  Moon, it's playtime (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10628138

  * GOO - crudely-drawn mantool in zero gravity
  face-mess (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626668

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/


  >> New challenge: James Bond Xmas <<
  It's almost Christmas, and we're celebrating
  by asking you to fire up Photoshop and show us
  Christmas in the world of Bond... James Bond.
  Challenge suggested by Manic.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmasbond/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TURNIP CAKES - Labmonkey writes, "Carrot cake
  with turnips? Why yes. Yes you can. A friend of
  mine is gluten intolerant and it's quite common
  to use veg for adding moisture to wheat-free
  cakes. We both like baking. Veggies we have
  either added to, or located lurking in the dark
  heart of, cakes include parsnips, turnips,
  beetroot, courgette, rosemary, mashed potato
  and squash. She owns this book. It's a sort of
  manual to hiding your five-a-day in delicious
  cake."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0593062361/b3ta-21


  * ESTIMATE YOUR PISS - The Greyhound writes,
  "Did this not so long ago. Having a bedroom
  miles away from the toilet but with a sink
  installed, I nominated a pint glass to become
  my piss pot measuring vessel and started
  measuring my flow. Managed a one piss = one
  full pint ratio several times. However, I
  believe it is impossible for a human to fill
  two pint glasses consecutively in one
  'standing'. Tried using 2-litre fizzy drinks
  bottles as well (Finish the 2 litres before you
  need a piss, then fill the bottle). It's an
  interesting spin-off; the extra precision
  required to wee down a bottle top without
  soaking your hands adds a frustratingly
  addictive facet to the sport. And even though I
  am single, I still feel as if I'm winning at
  life."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Pitch perfect

  Think of a song you know well. Say the intro
  riff from the KLFs What Time Is Love. Hum it.
  Keep humming it. Look it up on Youtube/Spotify.
  Have you got the pitch right? How far were you
  out?

  This game can also be played with BPM for the
  truly mad.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LIZARDOTRON - A bookmarketlet that makes all
  photos lizards and converts words like banker to
  lizard. E.g. "Britain is ruled by the lizards
  for the lizards".

  * BOARD GAME MASHUPS - e.g. Monoposcrabble you
  get 7 letters every go. You can only buy
  property you can spell.

  * MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit -
  each time you get a question right you can move
  your chess piece. Play passes to other player
  if answer is wrong.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   EMF:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   IMF:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by some useless cunt
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  fridgefreezer, SpudleyDudley, Bourbon Fox,
  combatcameraman, cnamhspairne, Tharg,
  DesignCredo, @bumtweets @peregr1n @g6juice
  @deltorro01 @melissa_fix, @peregr1n,
  funnylittlefrog, thewankerstuff, @mattround,
  josh.cann, @jearle Riggleberry, Ho ho ho
  Scaramanga, CopyBeard. Top Tippery by
  robneymcplum Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  An orange with about 30 fresh cloves pushed into
  the skin, tied to a length of christmas ribbon,
  makes an ideal festive mace to attack red-suited
  intruders entering your property over the holiday
  period.

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