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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT TIME IS IT? I DON'T KNOW, MY WATCH IS STILL BOOTING UP"

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This Week:
* GIANT GIFS - On bus stops
* HONEST - Logos that tell the truth
* RAP - Kid vs English teacher

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're saving the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    evidence... together"  
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta hypertext shit bomb 514 - 3 Feb 2012

Read this issue without moving your lips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue514/

    Submarine:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubmarine:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Go on a cheap holiday; you deserve it B3tans

  Luxury, members-only travel club with up to
  70% off trips to places like New York,
  Barcelona, Lapland and Montenegro. Free to
  sign up.
http://goo.gl/wIpzd


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us with your
  typing fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making us sweat 

  >> Bus Top GIFFY art project <<
  "Hey b3tans," writes antediluvian board member
  misteralfie. "Basically we've made a network
  of big, red LED screens that are scattered
  around London (20 boroughs) and live on the
  roofs of bus shelters. From 1st February, work
  created by the public is sent to them. Please,
  not too many cocks." 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10677037


  >> How To Bake A Cake <<
  "How to bake the perfect cake," demonstrates
  ratbanjos. "Enjoy!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_To_Bake_A_Cake


  >> Space Kisser <<
  "I don't know if you remember..." begins
  Krispystrips, but we have a long memory for
  peculiar, Middle-Eastern sci-fi. Here's an
  exuberantly ramshackle take on 'Star Treck'.
http://youtu.be/Y0z_7bKm258


  >> Terminator in 60 Seconds <<
  "You did it for Faceburger, now do it for us,"
  demands PMGT, who has also entered some 'movie
  in 60 secs' viral compo. This is great though,
  so we're happy to oblige. Vote for 'em if you
  like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXJ88Pg53Es


  >> Rock My Caucasss <<
  "I made this as a pilot a couple weeks ago.
  Hopefully they'll pay me to do more if this
  does well," explains smearballs. One for our
  US readers, we think. Hey, how long before Fox
  and CNN start doing this to political news
  footage as a matter of course?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rock_My_Caucasss


  >> Countryside survivalist guide <<
  "Just a short comedy sketch show,"
  self-deprecates lee1178. We sincerely hope
  that the number doesn't represent his birth
  year, as that would make him Armand de
  Perigord, Grand Master of the Knights Templar.
  Anyhoo, this clip starts as straight parody,
  then wobbles increasingly off-kilter.
http://bit.ly/zf9Fds


-------------------------------------------------

  ANNOUNCEMENT: The suicide nets outside B3ta
  Towers are for your protection. We have, of
  course, had on-site deaths but they are
  statistically similar to meme assembly plants
  of equivalent size.

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  "I should have been arrested!"

  Last week we worked in conjunction with
  London's police to get you lot to confess your
  crimes directly onto our database, which stores
  your IP addresses and email. We're just
  waiting for the paperwork from the Met to come
  through and see under which clause of the Data
  Protection Act they wish to obtain your
  details. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/notarrested/

  * CAUGHT SHAGGING "Age 17: young, horny and
  with my own car. We took her off to a quiet
  layby, flipped the back seats down and
  proceeded to get down with it. Having
  successfully done the jiggy in the back of an
  Austin Metro (no mean feat in itself), Emma
  proceeds to wander off to have a wee in the
  bushes. No sooner does she squat down hidden
  behind a tree, then the police pull up next to
  me and shine their torches through the windows
  to find me lying on the back-seat, tackle
  still semi-proud, apparently enjoying a good
  solo session. Trying to contain her mirth and
  urine, my loving lady simply stayed crouched
  down out of view while I tried to explain to
  the police that I wasn't in fact enjoying a
  lonely roadside wank. And then she laughed at
  me for about 3 months afterwards." (ousgg)
     
  * FARM GIRL - "Years ago we lived near a farm
  and the farmer was one of the grumpiest
  bastards ever to walk this Earth. He used to
  hire temporary workers - hard up students most
  of the time - and pay them peanuts. And when I
  say peanuts I mean the cheap, generic
  ultra-discount variety. He made these people
  do back-breaking work for absurdly long hours,
  and not surprisingly none of them stayed very
  long. Then along came Abina. She was a sweet
  little thing and how she managed the work I
  don't know, but she stuck it out for months
  and months. As far as I could tell the farmer
  (whose name I unfortunately can't remember)
  made her work harder than any of the others -
  he probably still believed that people with
  dark skin were fair game to be made into
  slaves. So he was a racist, grumpy bastard.
  One day I was walking past the farm and saw
  Abina running up and down the field waving her
  arms around and making strange noises. I asked
  her what she was doing and she explained that
  the birds had got used to the scarecrow so she
  was having to do its duty along with all her
  other work. Now that was one of the times I
  really wished that I was big and hard and
  tough, so that I could have gone and smacked
  the farmer, but at around 10 years old that
  was a mere fantasy. So I did the next best
  thing - partly out of chivalry, partly because
  I had a bit of a crush on the girl - and took
  over her bird-scaring duties while Abina had a
  long and well-deserved sit-down. So I shooed;
  Abina rested." (eesnahk)
     
  * GOOD POINT - "Recommend you don't post an
  answer to this question from an O2 mobile"
  (Ravenous Bugblatter Beast)


  >> This Week: Filth! <<
  Enzyme writes, "Tell us your tales of grot,
  grime, dirt, detritus and mess."
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/filthandmess/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Honest logos <<
  Corporate identities that reveal what the
  business is *really* about. Reminds us our our
  ancient image challenge If Ads Told The Truth
  - 'Guinness it makes you fat and turns your
  shit black.'
http://bit.ly/gfxZJQ


  >> Anagram Tube map <<
  Ever wondered how to get from Prussian Girdle
  to Rubber Synod by Tube? Some proper gems here
  although, be warned, it hasn't been updated to
  include the Groundover. "Groundover?" Jesus,
  thanks internet anagram server, we could have
  come up with that one ourselves.
http://www.anagramtubemap.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/


  >> Contrast Rebellion <<
  Thinking of using light grey text on a mid
  grey background? Think again, sucker - and
  here's why! Er, basically, it's hard to read.
  But rah! We're angry about it!
http://www.contrastrebellion.com


  >> Vagina dye <<
  If your face isn't big enough to fit on all
  the cosmetics you buy, why not try recolouring
  your labia? Yes, this really is a thing. The
  reviews are, predictably, worth a look.
http://bit.ly/bkG4s7


  >> Works of art improved with cats <<
  It is a truth universally acknowledged that
  any famous work of art must be in want of an
  endearingly podgy, ginger cat.
http://bit.ly/AlCSgz


  >> Meme movie posters <<
  29 of your favourite internets memes rendered
  as awesome vintage movie posters. Far classier
  than the subject matter deserves.
http://cargocollective.com/mememovieposters#


  >> Saucy books <<
  A countdown of 'unintentionally sexy' book
  covers is always a treat. Though we do
  recognise #8 from a photoshop compo a few
  years back.
http://bit.ly/AsrxAl


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Tiny frogs

  Carly291287 writes, "For the cute section of
  the newsletter, something different - a teeny,
  tiny frog." Utterly lovely; we should probably
  do something to stop them all going extinct.
  Hooray for the Holocene extinction period. Or
  not hooray really.
http://bit.ly/zgPpJA


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like radio but with magic dancing people

  >> Rap battle between pupil & teacher. <<
  All the oldsters in the house will enjoy this
  as the older teacher utterly owns the kid.
  Gets good at 2:20
http://bit.ly/wGj8Qc


  >> Father & his kids cover Depeche Mode <<
  Are you a lady? Do you secretly want kids?
  Prepare for your ovaries to explode. BTW:
  Depeche Mode is French for 'in the mood for
  fish'.
http://bit.ly/zQKn01


  >> Physical comedy from a master <<
  Larry Griswold's routine of pretending to be
  a drunk whilst staggering off of the diving
  board and its ladder, as he got ready for a big
  dive. Still brilliant now.
http://bit.ly/wvZZKg


  >> A Swarm of Nano Quadrotors <<
  Tremendously technically impressive fleet of
  tiny, robot gyrocoptors, but the sound of
  their motors made us think of mechanical
  houseflies. Also, don't ever imagine their
  potential military use on civilians; that'll
  never happen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Swarm_of_Nano_Quadrotors


  >> Worst superhero <<
  Wherever there is evil, Milkman will be there
  to protect the innocent with his creamy vomit.
  Huzz... ah?
http://bit.ly/wfteLi


  >> Rick Santorum lols <<
  The Presidential primaries rumble on. You
  should care because the USA basically runs the
  world and we live in its wake; so it's an
  election for the new boss and we don't get a
  vote. Oh well, we suspect the main point of
  these rabid Republicans is so that Obama stays
  in place. As someone once said, "How do you
  get chickens to run towards a fox? Show them a
  wolf." Anyway, Santorum is overdubbed here for
  your cheap amusement.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rick_Santorum


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now featuring 'Crudely-Drawn Cock-Collector'
  
  * LEN CHICKEN - @ChrisShawEditor writes,
  "Scanning old editions of our mag for a blog,
  I happened upon this chap who lives in 1982."
http://bit.ly/zWhTJl


  * FANNY CHMELAR - Chase writes, "I know you
  lot are sick and tired of the funny name
  corner, but... there is a skier on the German
  World Cup slalom team called Fanny Chmelar."
  The video of a TV host suppressing giggles at
  her name is priceless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmwGFX5pgXw


  * GOOGLE MAP PENIS - Rev. Error writes,
  "Thought you'd appreciate this Google Maps
  image."
http://g.co/maps/ftrdd


-------------------------------------------------

: BEATBOX LESSONS #2 and #3
  Following last weeks' "boots cats boots cats"

  * DRUM AND BASS - Tickle writes, 'Further to
  boots and cats, if you want a drum & bass
  beat try "beef for the cat, beef for the cat,
  (pause) beef for the cat, beef for the cat,
  beef". And if you repeatedly use this almost
  nonsense sentence you could say to a hip hop
  DJ, "Don't be bitter to be catching
  competitor's better scratching". Pronouncing it
  in a boots 'n' cats way, it's quite a hip hop
  beat.'

  * BILLIE JEAN - grippa93 writes, "A more
  profane version, which a friend and I came up
  with circa 2003. We were trying to work out
  how one person could beatbox 'Billie Jean'.
  The solution was 'Bums & c*nts & bums & c*nts
  & ...', sung to the bass-line - so you get the
  drums and bass in. Try it yourself."

  Maybe we'd could spin this out to a whole
  website, like that email codey lessons thing
  everyone was raving about. Learn to Beat Box
  in 52 email lessons. Beardy Guy should def
  do this.


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from last week's Monkeys Challenge

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SEXY - your Ginger Führer, depicted in hot
  stripping simian action (rattlehead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10672801

  * RAMPAGE - classic b3ta meme revisited as
  Kong gets angry (wuffle, the b3ta bunny)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10675195

  * WISDOM - infinite monkey theorem enhanced by
  introduction of Microsoft Office assistant
  ((benito vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10672242

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moremonkeys/


  >> New challenge: Misunderstood Dialogue <<
  This week's task is to take a famous line from
  a film, TV show, play or book, misunderstand
  it for comic effect, then show the result!
  Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misunderstood/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ONCE A B3TAN WROTE A TUNE - lord loaf
  writes, "When I was 15 I was somehow involved
  in the development of a game for the Amiga,
  namely The Lost Patrol. I wrote a tune for it
  which was fairly simple and remarkably short
  for the time you'd end up playing the game. I
  haven't worked for the games industry since...
  Think of this as a musical 'Googling your own
  name'"
http://thelostpatrol.wordpress.com/


  * STREET-CLEANING SIMULATOR REVIEWS - we often
  find funny things on Amazon and link them up,
  then you lot tend to add funny reviews. Here's
  one we added Oct 2001 and we've only just
  noticed how much you went to town. Well done,
  chaps.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0051NPKS8/b3ta-21


  * FLUFFINGTON THANKS - Josh Catone writes,
  "Your link to The Fluffington Post was
  probably our first big traffic spike and the
  first time we started taking the site
  seriously (or as seriously as you can take a
  site of fake news about cats and dogs). Still,
  we're very grateful for that early link and it
  helped to get us where we are today -- which
  is announcing a new site redesign that
  includes at least 100% more big-media parody.
  We'd love for you check it out."
http://www.thefluffingtonpost.com/


  * CHARITY B3TAN - chimperoonie writes, "I'm
  running the "Toughest Footrace on Earth", the
  Marathon des Sables (6 marathons, 6 days,
  Sahara desert, carrying all my kit for the
  race. You know, the usual) for a couple of
  charities and wondered if you could pimp my
  page in the newsletter? Ben Fogle did it a
  while back, surely that counts for summat?"
  BTW: We're running this mainly because this guy
  is called David Gilmore and we like Shine On
  You Crazy Diamond. Probably not the same guy,
  we admit.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/DavidGilmore


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Think your screen is clean?

  If your screen is anything like ours it's
  covered in fingerprints, sinister smears and
  possibly bodily fluids. However you've probably
  tuned it out. Don't clean it yet, play this
  'hunt the pixel' game and realise quite how
  dirty your screen is. We ended up giving it a
  quick wipe and found out we've got one dead
  pixel. So basically, this is a link that
  spreads misery. Hooray! 
http://wheresthepixel.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?
  We buy spaghetti on Amazon now?! Who are we?

  Recently been obsessing over the De Cecco
  brand of pasta - it's the blue and yellow
  packets you see for sale in Italian
  delis. Pasta snobs - and they do exist -
  believe it to be the best dried pasta for
  sale, but it's pricey. Often £1.50, £1.65 for
  a 500g packet.

  This is where the internet is your friend. Six
  packets for £6 on Amazon, including postage.
  That's who we are now, pasta snobs who try to
  get good deals on spaghetti by sniffing about
  online. Christ.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0054IMIEY/b3ta-21
  

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * EVIL PORTFOLIO - we've got an investment
  theory. Only invest in evil. News
  International. Foxconn. Halliburton. Xe.
  Basically anything your lefty chums rant
  about. Will you earn money over time?


  * A CAPITALIST THOUGHT MACHINE - "Fuck 'em,
  they're just stupid." Compassion or empathy
  gets in the way of earning money. The truly
  successful can turn these thoughts by demonising
  groups them into non-people. Can you?


  * PRISON HOLIDAYS - we've never been in prison
  but we suspect people who say "it's like a
  holiday camp" are wrong. Would be great if you
  could be sent to prison for two weeks (without
  getting a prison record) simply to disabuse
  us all from such silly notions.


  * PUBLIC QUIET SPACES - we needed to read a
  book in the daytime recently (for work
  reasons) and were finding it hard to
  concentrate from the noise. So we went to the
  local library, it was hardly any quieter. Fuck
  closing down libraries to pay for banker
  bonuses, we need public reading rooms. The
  world is bloody noisy. Grr. *old man noises*


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  B3ta IPO:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Dump stock: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  sinisterduck, sijones, oldboy127, Herb
  Alpert's Taxi Driver, Smale, Trudi,
  @mattround, Smale, @jongomm, Lisa, clownf1st,
  mr.dogshit, jakedamusss, bananaprince &
  Mofobaru.  Top Tippery by deanr201 / SickRik.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Two creepy ideas to celebrate the Facebook IPO

  * RANDOM FACEBOOK STALKING IDEA - stick random
  numbers at the end of the following URL and
  seen what lovely people you can find:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=

  * FREAK OUT JUSTIN BIEBER FANS - Google/
  twittersearch "@justinbieber my phone number
  is ....." You'll find a fan desperate enough
  to have put their number on - then call the
  number whilst putting on a squeaky American
  voice.

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