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NEWSLETTER: "GAY BUSES SPREAD HGV VIRUS CLAIM CHRISTIANS"

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This Week:
* ENNUI - The travails of Henri le chat
* GOATSE - but the good kind
* FRIDAY 13TH - Mentioned only three times

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're slapping our     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    tummies and going
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     wobble wobble wobble"

B3ta email 524  - 13th April 2012

Read this in PKZIP format on Windows 3.1:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue524

   Win :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   UnWin : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Dog, Arse, Eyes & Egg.

  >> Bad Ass Dog <<
  "Recently we made a cat video that did quite
  well," explains Ornsack. "Now we've made a dog
  video so we can see which animal is the best
  once and for all!" Say, that's a bad ass dog!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bad_Ass_Dog


  >> Arsebishop <<
  "I spent my rainy Easter weekend creating a
  little game," laments Bagpuss. "Hopefully you
  will have whole seconds of pleasure from it."
  Can you tell the difference between a bishop
  and a hairy man-arse, as the game tries its
  damnedest to stitch you up every time?
http://arsebishop.com


  >> Wall of Sheep's eyes <<
  That's long-time b3tan Sheep's eyes, of course.
  "It's a sort-of-animation, but also
  sort-of-interactive thing," he explains. "Oh,
  and it's a bit sinister. Thanks to Cadavre
  Exquis for coding help."
http://sheepfilms.co.uk/interact/eyes.htm


  >> Alien: The Easter Edition <<
  Alien's pretty much a gift for Easter; you've
  got the eggs and the, uh, the fourth film is
  called Resurrection and, um. Anyway, "I've made
  an Easter-themed parody of Alien," writes
  Cap'n, who has really pulled out the stops for
  this. "Arguably NSFW, if your work doesn't like
  chocolately gore."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_The_Easter_Edition


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

AMAZON TROLL CORNER - Veet for Men Hair Removal.
The first customer review is worth a quick look.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000KKNQBK/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH
  Just the fax ma'am
  
  * ITALY - Friday the 17th is considered unlucky
  to our Roman cousins - even once renaming a
  popular Hollywood film, "Shriek  Do You Have
  Something to Do on Friday the 17th"

  * GREECE - Whereas the Greeks get the
  heebie-jeebies about Tuesday the 13th.

  * THE RAP COMMUNITY - Tupac was pronounced dead
  on September 13, 1996. If he'd lived he'd now
  be 41 and rapping about the importance of using
  ISAs to save and where to move to get his
  kids into a good school.


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Terrified!

  We wanted your moments of utter terror, glued
  to the spot, pants filled with poo:
http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/

  * AT LEAST HE DIDN'T MENTION STAR WARS - "I'm a
  journalist interviewing Temuera Morrison, the
  actor who played Jake The Muss in Once Were
  Warriors; arguably the scariest character to
  grace the silver screen. So I've spent a day on
  set watching Morrison work, chatting away when
  we could and being thoroughly charmed by
  someone who's not only professional but a
  lovely guy. At the end I thanked him for his
  time and confessed I'd been somewhat worried
  about the interview having watched Once Were
  Warriors at the weekend as part of my research.
  "Why?" he asked. "Because you were so bloody
  frightening as Jake..." and in a heartbeat,
  Morrison's entire demeanor changed. He went
  livid with rage, veins popped out on his
  forehead and he leaned across the table until
  he was about two inches from my face and
  snarled: "What. The. FUCK! Do you mean by
  that!!!" I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I
  just sat there thinking, "This is how I die."
  Then Morrison sat back with a huge grin on his
  face and said: "See that? That's called
  acting!" Give that man an Oscar... and give me
  a new pair of pants." (difficultchild)
     
  * RUN - "I was once walking home at night
  behind a woman. She started walking faster in
  that 'trying not to look like you're walking
  fast' way. I picked up my speed a bit, too. She
  then started walking even faster and so did I.
  Then she broke into a gentle jog, and when I
  did as well she went into an all-out sprint. By
  that time we were only about 200 metres from my
  house, but when I got home I was out of breath
  and sweating. To this day I don't know what we
  were running from. (Ghoti Fingers)
     
  * NEPHRECTOMY - "As a young, uncircumcised boy
  with perhaps one pubic hair, I remember being
  told about wanking and having a little fumbling
  fiddle in bed that night. Problem was that I'd
  always had a rather tight foreskin and after a
  few minutes my foreskin retracted for the first
  time and out popped my never-seen-before bell
  end. I thought I'd broken my penis - to my
  terrified young mind, my kidney had found its
  way out of my body. I cried myself to sleep
  convinced God was punishing this little
  Catholic for his sins." (emadex)


  >> This Week - Twattery <<
  It's just an excuse to get you to tell us about
  people that get on your tits again, but, still,
  twats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twattery/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Vandalised Daily Telegraph <<
  Proper lols from the Tippex-spattered front
  pages of Britain's second-favourite right-wing
  broadsheet. "Giant tit poster inside!" 
http://www.dailytorygraph.com/


  >> Toilet paper Old Masters <<
  This lady whiles away long plane journeys by
  locking herself in the lavatory and pretending
  to be a 16th Century Dutch painting. Guess it
  beats Solo Mile High Club frequent flyer points.
http://bit.ly/sOWZLJ


  >> Amazing 1k Javascript <<
  The coding equivalent of contortionism, as
  designers try to fit something excellent into
  just 1k of data. Check out the romantic
  javascript sunset!
http://t.co/ujG0oXjN
  

  >> The man behind goatse <<
  Or rather the man in front of goatse, or
  rather... eh. Anyway, Gawker tracks down the
  man whose gaping ass haunted your mid-2000s web
  nightmares. SFW, although anything you click on
  subsequently probably won't be.
http://gaw.kr/HxxcsG


  >> The Brian Sewell soundboard! <<
  The supremely plummy-voiced fine art curmudgeon
  now does the bidding of your very own fingers!
  What would you have him say??
http://bit.ly/dzL7fS


  >> Txts from a dog <<
  A dog and his owner communicate mainly via
  texting each other - funnier than it sounds!
http://textsfromdog.tumblr.com


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if telly cost £40 a month and only the
  people who own the transmitters get paid.

  * HOW THE BLIND USE AN iPHONE - Surprisingly
  effective and we're planing to poke our own
  eyes out so we can try this interface too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0nvdiRdehw


  * EXISTENTIAL CAT - despair, angst, absurdity,
  alienation, and bits of string. Oh the life of
  Henri le chat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Henri_a_lennui


  * IF FACEBOOK WERE INVENTED IN THE 90s - some
  nice retro stylings here. A series that could
  run and run. Apply the same formula to YouPorn
  - lol it's a 2 hour wait to d/l an animated gif
  of Pamela Anderson for more formulaic lols.
http://bit.ly/IDlUkD


  * ADVERT VOICE OVER HUMOUR - re-voicing ads is
  comedy 101. People should do more of it.
http://bit.ly/ItRke2


  * ULTRA-SLOW KATE BUSH WUTHERING HEIGHTS -
  delightful way to spend 36 minutes should you
  be waiting to come up on LSD. You can
  appreciate every note of her famous melody.
http://bit.ly/J5YJLY


  * CATS ARE CUNTS - and if you ever needed proof:
http://bit.ly/Iy3YKl


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still not funny. Don't read it.

  * HOSPITAL 'LOLS' - Check out the name of the
  hospital this guy was taken to.
http://bit.ly/HhdccK

  * PORTMANTEAU - With the gas-heating /
  gash-eating URL lols we think our faves are:
  1. http://www.progasheating.co.uk/
  2. http://www.welshgasheating.co.uk/ 
  3. http://www.northerngasheating.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: THE METAFILTER FAT TEST
  'Renoroc Penile/Podiatry Visual Test'

  A good test for a man is to look down while
  taking a shower:
  If you can see your penis and your feet without
  sucking in your gut, you are healthy
  If you can't see your penis, you are overweight
  If you can't see your feet, you are obese.
  We can't see our feet over our penis.
http://bit.ly/HZOv1R


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Lots of variations on Pong

  Possibly our favourite is Epilepsy Pong which
  makes the screen flash horribly. If they ever
  make V2 our ideas include:
  A. SCREAMING PONG - like pong but with the
  sounds of screams.
  B. YOU'RE PONG NOW - You play the ball and not
  the bat.
  C. PONG FOR EUROPE - With vaguely UKIPy Terry
  Wogan commentary.
http://www.pippinbarr.com/games/pongs/Pongs.html


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Skeletons Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate bones.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * GOATSE - from back when shock sites were
  single images and not video. Those were the
  days, my internet friends. (polished turd)
http://b3ta.com/board/10735363
 
 
  * ORVILLE THE DUCK - FACT: also tours as an
  adult show called 'Duck Off' (kung-fu womble)
  http://b3ta.com/board/10735428

  * STATUS QUO - so-named after Francis Rossi
  flicked through a dictionary. Lucky they
  weren't called Dinosaur. Or Plinth. Or Clogs.
  (Little Animal Disaster)
  http://b3ta.com/board/10735904


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/


  >> New challenge: New Hoax <<
  We've all seen Shark vs Helicopter and know it
  isn't real, so it's about time there were some
  new hoax photos on the web. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Hoax/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * B3TA GOATSE - Best of B3ta's alternative
  Olympic logos, used without irony by Newmarket
  Town Council.
http://i.imgur.com/vvqku.jpg


  * FURTIVE BED - pleased to see our classic
  donation icon still inspires. Yay for Smash
  Monkey for producing this. Hopefully it won't
  get too spunky.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742112
  
   
  * JOEL DOES YET ANOTHER CRUSHER AD - and they
  say jobs for life disappeared with the
  deindustrialisation of the UK and the mass
  privatisations of public companies.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crusha_Breakdancing_Kittens
  

  * BIG BABIES RIP - Marts writes, "Sadly Big
  Babies was told it was to be no more yesterday.
  New commissioners etc. But thanks to those who
  digged it on here. We are a tad gutted as we
  thought we were finally onto something. But
  hey. We are trying to go out with a bang."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Big_Babies_RIP


  * MOVIE DEAL FOR JARED EARLE - he writes, 
  "Me and my pals have got a movie deal for 
  our 20-year-old RPG, SLA Industries."
http://nightfall.co/368/sla-industries-news.html


  * THINGU IS NOW CLAYCAT'S THING - "I got into
  legal trouble from the Pingu people," admits
  leehardcastle, creator of the gory claymation
  Thing parody. "I had take down the original
  video and then remake it again with a cat. So,
  am planning to do a series of these as THINGU
  did so well."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_THING


  * CRAP TANK Mk II - "As people here have been
  so nice, I thought i'd pop up my latest Crap
  Tank video in the hope that it raises a smile
  or two," beams JamHamster. The eponymous
  remote-controlled war machine is now properly
  menacing and has a turret-mounted BB gun.
http://bit.ly/IldlZn


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A GUIDE TO ALL MEDIA - author John Lanchester
  suggests that The Economist is a fascinating
  read as long as you skip the bit in every story
  that says "and the solution is the free
  market". He's utterly right - any other
  genuinely insightful tips to detoxify bias in
  media?

  * A BUILT-IN LIGHT FOR THE KINDLE - insane that
  one has to be bought separately making the
  whole device bulkier and more awkward. They
  could make the rim smaller too and call it the
  slightly punning, "Kindle Light".

  * E-INK COVERS FOR KINDLES / IPHONES - we miss
  books having covers that broadcast what you are
  reading to other people on the Tube etc. Please
  fix this, oh capitalist overlords.

  (As you can see, we've been reading a lot of
  Kindle this week. Or the Amazon Swindle as
  Richard Stallman calls it. Our favourite thing
  is to grab the free 14 days subs to magazines /
  newspapers, then remember to cancel before we're
  charged.)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @WightHot, WiL,
  Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Pig Traverse,
  AudioToast, NJtoTX, CopyBeard, iamdrdee, chulk607,
  Harry Webshiter, @andysith. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  We <3 Matt Round 
  Top Tip via (username failed moderation)
  Subjlols via benito vaselini.
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSOR B3TA
  Buy some ad space oh lovely people. 

  If you enjoy B3ta then please consider
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  huge corporate budget and can syphon a bit off
  for your favourite internet newsletter? Think
  of it as a tax on your boss for making you work
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  MEN: Are you a tit man, or an arse man? In
  Sainsburys, if you're an arse man, start off on
  the far left, as most shoppers do, and follow
  along the aisles in order to stare at arses.
  If you're a tit man, start off in the second
  aisle; other shoppers will always be walking
  towards you.
  WOMEN: Do your shopping online.

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