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NEWSLETTER: "GUARANTEED TO CONTAIN ABSOLUTELY NO REFERENCES TO L****N 2**2"

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This Week:
* LYMPICS - Are you overexcited enough?
* HOT GIRLS - Sing
* TWATTERY - Your stories and confessions

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our otters    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   in a very sensible
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    otter efficient ISA"    

B3ta email 525  - 20 Apr 2012

Read this issue naked and eating chips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue525 

   Subs :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Blubs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: ZOMBIE MANOR HOUSE - £79
  Shoot zombies in a remote manor house!

  You’ve heard of Downton Abbey? Well get ready
  for Downton Scabby!

  Zombies have taken over a manor house near
  Manchester/Liverpool. Armed with guns and
  limited ammunition, you have to clear the
  65-acre site and manor house of zombies.

  Watch the video online...
http://wish.co.uk/zombie-manor-house/


------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Lympics, Colours, Fat Dogs, Sausage Drones

  >> The 'Lympics Are Coming! <<
  "Don't know if you've realised," writes Paint
  my Album, "But the Olympics are coming. We hate
  the hype so much, we've made an advert we hope
  gets confused with the real one." 'Lympics!!!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Lympics_Are_Coming:2


  >> Quick-fire movie colour quiz <<
  "Color Reel is an animation that showcases the
  colours in movies," writes e.seitz. "How many
  can you guess." It's pretty damn quick, thus
  tricky.
https://vimeo.com/40423792


  >> FAT DOGS <<
  "So, I made this," confesses V3lvetPresley.
  "And I want more people to look, basically
  because I'm running out of pictures of fat dogs
  and I want people to send them to me." All fat
  dogs, all the time.
http://fuckyeahfatdogs.tumblr.com/


  >> Project Sausage Drone Stage 1 <<
  "I'm building a drone capable of delivering a
  sausage at 100mph," rants Joel Veitch. "Stage 1
  is complete. Next up is setting it up with a
  camera on the plane and video goggles receiving
  the signal." Joel may well have found his niche
  as wild-eyed TV science guy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Project_Sausage_Drone_Stage_1


------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Twattery

  We wanted your tales of utter twats, and we
  got them. Along with some of your own
  confessions where "everyone looked at me like
  I had just raped a small kitten":
http://b3ta.com/questions/twattery/

  * CAT TWAT - "Twat cat enters my friend's
  garden and promptly proceeds on over to the
  pond to do some fishing. A number of fish have
  gone missing out of the pond lately so there's
  now a fence around it to stop any herons, who
  were getting the blame. The fence had 3
  horizontal wires but the bottom wire was
  removed to allow smaller birds to get to the
  pond for a drink. Unaware cat is unaware,
  however, that this is an electric fence. Cat
  crawls through the wet grass and safely under
  the fence. The greedy little fiend pokes his
  paw in the water, scouting for the ponds
  chubby residents. Getting all excited, he is
  unaware of what he's doing with his tail,
  which brushes the wire behind him. Mayhem
  ensues as cat shoots 5ft in the air, does 2
  backflips and lands on all four paws. In the
  middle of the pond. Poor thing swims out and
  sprints out the garden, presumably to go dive
  on its owner's bed covered in pond slime and
  old leaves. Maybe I'm the twat for spending
  all day laughing." (i dont get it)
     
  * TUBE TWAT - "I watched a bloke run for a
  train on the Northern Line. The doors were
  already closing but, not wanting to wait, he
  managed to fit an arm through the door as they
  closed, then force them open and squidge
  himself on. Much to the dismay of the cramped
  passengers on the other side of the doors
  which then slammed shut behind him. I then
  noticed his beige rain mac hadn't made it
  through the door quite as well as he had, and
  was sticking a clear 1-2 foot out into the
  air. I giggle, we all giggle. Twat man has had
  his day. He then sees us all giggling and with
  a smirk on his face begins to pull his coat
  through the doors... until it jams... on a
  great big brown button. The motors started up
  and away he went, his coat still a good foot
  clear of the train. As it ran down the
  platform it wafted about, slapping people's
  newspapers. God knows what state it was in by
  the time he got to the next station." (Dan dan
  dan)
     
  * CHRIST KNOWS TWAT - "I once got dumped by a
  girl because she 'didn't love me like they do
  in Disney.' Bullet dodged." (Mr Fudge)


  >> This Week - Sports <<
  In which we ask a bunch of pasty-faced
  shut-ins about their exploits on the sports
  field. How bad was it for you?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sports/


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: AMAZON DOT TROLL 
  Is it in yet?

  Particularly graphically instructive review for
  offbeat 'feminine hygiene' product Mooncup.
http://amzn.to/I9txLr


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> 20 common cooking mistakes <<
  Useful list, explaining the errors that you've
  almost certainly ruined tonight's dinner with.
http://bit.ly/uB5vwc


  >> Stereographic drawing <<
  Fluorescent gifs judder for your delight. It
  almost looks like we're having a bad reaction
  to the dried frog pills.
http://dainfagerholm.blogspot.co.uk/


  >> "Cologne" spelling on Twitter <<
  The less-studious denizens of Twitter once
  again held up for lols via a particularly
  inspired search term.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2012/04/twitter-cologne/


  >> 1980s Google search <<
  This BBS-styled web search reeks of nostalgia,
  like your Dad's cologne.
http://www.masswerk.at/googleBBS/


  >> Not official merch <<
  Eye-opening array of faux products that range
  from cheapo rip-offs, through cheeky parodies
  to creepy fan-art. It surprised us just how
  often the Black Flag logo has been co-opted.
http://notofficialmerch.tumblr.com/


  >> Tattoo Glasses <<
  For too many years, speccy gits have had to
  suffer under the stereotype that they are
  somehow more intelligent than their
  full-visioned peers. This guy thinks he may
  have the solution. 
http://bit.ly/HYYrvu


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like animated gifs with sound

  * HOT GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS TOO - worth it for
  the chorus, "we're just like you, but we're
  hot." Beautifully flat singing - is this the
  new Rebecca Black?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__HeE6NWmDE

  Also worth watching is this pisstakey cover
  that's actually quite listenable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZaXnKdzeuY


  * 10 BEST PRACTICAL JOKES - here's some ideas
  to make people utterly hate you. BTW: Other
  classics they missed are 1. Advertise your
  boss's job in the newspaper and 2. Covering the
  loo seat with clingfilm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN6GwmW3vbw


  * IF DISNEY MADE JAWS - hopefully followed by
  If David Cronenberg directed E.T.
http://bit.ly/HZ28RJ


  * DOUBLE-OH JAMES BOND SUPER CUT - made us feel
  quite mad watching it. Maybe someone should do
  one with BBC presenters saying the 'slash' bit
  from the URLS they read out. SLASH SLASH SLASH
  would be quite psychotic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Double_Oh


  * CAT ALARM CLOCK - who says cats can't use
  tools? Reminds us of an old cat of ours that
  would walk up and down the piano until we fed
  him.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_alarm_clock


  * TERRIFIED CHILD CHASED BY CHICKENS - scared
  kids is comedy 101, assuming the thing they are
  scared of isn't actually dangerous. Kids scared
  of chainsaw dad = not funny. Kids scared of
  lipstick = funny. Maybe.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_drop_the_food_already


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Gyno lols

  Grandmasterfluffles writes, "I know you're sick
  of the Funny Name Corner, but this is a really
  good one! My gynaecologist's examining table
  was made by this company."
http://bit.ly/J1Zn23


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: FRIDAY GAME
  New Spectrum game! Blimey. Are we Crash! now?

  joefish writes, "Celebrate 30 splendiferous
  years of the ZX Spectrum by stoking up an
  emulator (ZXSpin, or FUSE if you're Linuxed)
  and playing my new Speccy game Buzzsaw+, wot
  does things with colours that Speccies aren't
  supposed to do.  Winner of World of Spectrum's
  game-of-the-year poll - which may not sound
  much but there were over 100 new titles
  released for the Speccy last year alone."
http://www.worldofspectrum.org/infoseekid.cgi?id=0027057


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Swashbuckling, Cycling, Shorter Titanic 

  >> Chop Chop <<
  "A dramatic rescue is in progress," explains
  Bewley. Cracking bit of animated derring-do and
  Bewley promises more to come.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chop_Chop


  >> A Film About Cycling and Bicycle Pumps <<
  "One of my personal favourites this one,"
  writes Sheep! of this startlingly
  slapstick-laden journey, armed with just a
  bike and a foot-pump.
http://bit.ly/IDz7rx


  >> JACK! ROSE! JACK! ROSE! <<
  "Well, fuck me like one of your French girls,
  I've shortened that sodding epic Titanic film!"
  brags woahbot. Essential viewing for anyone
  baffled what April 15th was all about.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/JACK_ROSE_JACK_ROSE


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Hoax Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create new 
  hoaxes

  Your favourites included:

  * ELITE - old school gaming craft Cobra 
    MKIII in media-clash with animated gif
    (Bryan Damage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742969

  * MONSTER: close-up of Nessie reveals
    long-necked African beastie import 
    (mcmike)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742536

  * LUNAR: king of rock 'n roll in 
    supermarket tabloid goldmine bonanza
    (c@bbage) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10743462


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/Hoax/


  >> New challenge: Superheroes at Home <<
  What do superheroes and supervillains get 
  up to when they're at home, relaxing from 
  their superhero and supervillain day 
  jobs? Show us, using Photoshop's black 
  arts. Challenge suggested by Sipowicz
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroes/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DAILY MAIL NOTICES KNOB AND BOLLOCKS AMAZON
  STORY - we quite enjoyed watching this spread.
  First from an email to us, then propagated via
  twitter & b3ta. We can't actually read the DM
  story though as we've DNS-blocked it. HA. Stick
  it to the man.
http://t.co/WTSK5fI3 


  * TIGER WOODS GLITCH - robertvaliant writes,
  "Regarding the game glitch video in the
  newsletter and reference to the Tiger Woods
  one; You probably know this but a while back EA
  made an ad in response to someone ribbing them
  about it." Nice. This is how you do it
  advertising people - run with the jokes, don't
  run from them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ1st1Vw2kY


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This section is always tricky to fill so this
  week we'll mention some real-world problems
  your newsletter staff have been dealing with
  today:

  * TOILETS THAT DON'T BLOCK - why hasn't science
  stuck some kind of grinder in the bowl that
  makes your big, meaty poos into a fine shitty
  paste that'll flush easily? Preferably one that
  we'll never have to clean.
  
  * A DEVICE TO KEEP TODDLERS SLEEPING BEYOND
  5:30AM - maybe drugs? Or a cosh to the head?
  
  * FREELANCING THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT -
  sitting on a laptop in the kitchen with a
  fridge full of cheese and yogurt - oh so
  tempting.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSOR B3TA

  Please consider B3ta for pimping your
  advertising stuff. We won't make your brand
  look shit or smell like piss.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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     Friends:)    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Once friends:(  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  @Treiziemesalope, @prescriptionart,
  @executiverocker, Enzyme, fluffybunnykiller,
  Turquoise Hexagon Sun, richryan76, @DFLamont,
  Pig Bodine, sinisterduck, Emperor Lrrr. Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Top tips by Natrix, Ginger Fuhrer
  Subjlols via Drimble.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Win the lottery. By not buying a ticket.
  Win arguments on the internet by walking away.
  "Strange game", says Siri, "The only winning
  move is not to play."

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