NEWSLETTER: PRINCE CHARLES' LONG RANGE WEATHER FORECAST PREDICTS A LACK OF REIGN
This Week:
* HOSE BAN - Fun with pipes
* ACCENT - Compelling Chinese infomercial
* IGNORE HITLER - on DrawSomething
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web as evidence
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for your trial"
B3ta email 528 - 11th May MMXII
Read this issue pretending to be a spider:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue528
London whale : [email protected]
Fail whale : [email protected]
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ON THIS DAY : In 1997 Deep Blue - the
chess-playing supercomputer, defeated Garry
Kasparov. After the game Kasparov accused the
Deep Blue team of cheating and asked for a
rematch. IBM declined and closed their Deep
Blue program.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of things. Things. Lots.
>> 101 uses for a banned hosepipe <<
"Yo!" shrills superdonal. "We made this video
to make it VERY CLEAR that the hosepipe ban
doesn't mean packing away your hosepipe. Oh
no." Some great ideas and who can beat the
location (London's scenic Kentish Town)?
http://bit.ly/INKgVA
>> Tilt-shift photography (from a plane) <<
Urbex enthusiast Fragglehunter likes to take
pictures of unusual buildings while flying over
them in a light aircraft. Here's some
tilt-shift stuff. We like to think al-Qaeda's
scouting reports are just as charmingly
composed, although theirs are marred by an
over-enthusiasm for Instamatic filters.
http://bit.ly/IWV8Ew
>> Face Invaders <<
"I made a video out of a photo of my face!"
cries Cyriak. "I'm not sure why, but here it
is." Like taking peyote in the Cbeebies
giftshop (where they sell rubber masks of
Cyriak's face).
http://bit.ly/IY7Ofj
>> Stock photo record covers <<
"At their worst, album covers can look like
unusable stock photography," observes monkeon.
"I wondered how some records may have looked
if, instead of coming up with a concept and
commissioning a photo shoot, the designer had
just typed the record title into the search box
of a stock photo site and made do." The result
is pleasingly literal.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/stockalbums/
>> The joy of spam <<
"If you manage a blog, you're familiar with the
mountains of comment spam that arrive in your
inbox every day," explains S Snail. "I noticed
that the mishmashed bollocks I was receiving
often had a kind of bizarre poetry to it, so I
started archiving my favourites." Say what you
like, but spammers often seem to have a lovely
turn of phrase.
http://welbog.tumblr.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Hoarding
Television is all over the people who keep
everything from their daily paper to their
daily poos, but you lot have been hoarding much
more interesting things:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hoarding/
* SPECIALS - "My father-in-law cannot resist
special offers in supermarkets. If there's
3-for-2 on toothpaste he'll buy 15 packets.
Same with soap, toilet roll, shampoo, pasta,
rice, and pretty much anything non-perishable.
He used to have a big family around so I guess
it made sense, but now they've all moved away
he's still got most of the stuff around when
the next 3-for-2 offer comes around, yet he
just can't resist it. We went to stay there a
few months ago, and I opened the wardrobe to
unpack our clothes. It was completely
jam-packed with toiletries. The bathroom
cabinet was packed. The kitchen cupboards were
packed. You could hardly move for multi-packs
of toilet roll in the garage. I asked him if
they never had special offers on beer or wine
at his supermarket. "Come in here lad", he
said, and opened the door of the office which
was packed from floor to ceiling with cases of
beer and boxes of wine, "Suppose you'd better
help me drink it." Not a bad bloke, my
father-in-law." (Smale)
* SECRETS - "I used to live in a pub which had
three floors not including the cellar. From the
outside the building looked huge but inside
everything was surprisingly cramped. My Mum and
Dad once looked into taking out a floor to make
a massive function room. When they tore up the
floor they found another floor sandwiched in
between floors two and three. A long thin room,
filled with hundreds and hundreds of fake
ration books from WW2, stockings, chocolate and
tinned foods. We'd uncovered a spiv's Aladdin's
cave." (atdotslash)
* STRINGS - "My great gran was an epic hoarder
but my favourite find after she died was a
small box labelled, "Bits of string too small to
be of any use." (PhillieJoe)
>> This Week - Shops and Supermarkets <<
Back before "unexpected items in the bagging
area," supermarkets employed people. Tell us
your tales of those people, or your own tales
if you were one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Goths on OK Cupid <<
Searching OK Cupid for pictures of goths and
posting them on Tumblr is rather mean and we
don't find this kind of thing funny at all.
http://gothsonokcupid.tumblr.com/
>> Ignore Hitler <<
Jemma writes, "My mate Michael likes to add
irrelevant Hitlers to his Draw Something
drawings. I thought cartoon pictures of Hitler
in a paddling pool and a thong would be perfect
for the B3ta newsletter and, as he says, anything
that reduces a genocidal prick to an acceptable
figure of mockery is a good thing."
http://ignorehitler.tumblr.com/
>> Nerdy retro poster design <<
You give them text like, "B3ta is Great" and
they'll make a poster going 10 PRINT "B3ta is
Great" 20 GOTO 10. We'd buy one but it's not
like we need more signs telling the world we're
old nerds.
http://bit.ly/JiRWFh
>> Obama equal marriage gifs <<
Thumbs up for Obama gay/equal marriage. a)
Timing made Cameron look like a tit, b) trolling
Republican lols, and c) it's the right thing to
do.
http://whenobamaendorsed.tumblr.com/
>> Air travel golden ticket <<
Fascinating story about how the airlines used
to sell unlimited travel tickets and lost money
on it. Stick it in your 'read later' device of
choice.
http://lat.ms/KeXfVo
>> Historical photo from different angle <<
A fascinating photo of the Tiananmen Square
protest - a protest that's relevant and still
controversial to this day. Largely presented in
the Western media as a cry for democracy and
the freemarket - some, such as Naomi Klein, say
it was plea by students to stop the economic
reforms that were pushing China to the land of
Foxxcon it is today. Regardless of who is
right, it's an intriguing lump of history that
rewards closer analysis.
http://nyti.ms/JIa2fp
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Introducing an exciting new site called Youtube
>> Real-world Outrun <<
Ah, bless academia. A place where genius nerds
can make a career from stuff like building an
80s console game onto the front of a golf cart,
then letting you drive with it.
http://conceptlab.com/outrun/
>> Best. Accent. Ever. <<
Like a Chinese Lloyd Grossman, this infomercial
guy is almost incomprehensible. Yet, somehow,
we still want to buy some of those
amazing-looking kitchen knives.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Best_Accent_Ever
>> Rock band blows video budget <<
Excellent vid follows a stoner rock band as
they blow their entire video budget... Watch to
the end.
http://bit.ly/JIa3jC
>> Jimmy Carr crushes hecklers <<
Everybody likes to see hecklers get what's
coming to them. Carr delivers a verbal beatdown
or two.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jimmy_Carr_dealing_with_...
>> Coyote finally gets Road Runner <<
What happens when Wile E Coyote finally,
finally wins? Then what? A clip from 'Cavalcade
of Cartoon Comedy" - by the creators of
Family Guy. There's about 30 mins of this stuff
if you dig about on the web.
http://bit.ly/J52B07
>> Don't mention Thatcher <<
1980s union leader Arthur Scargill is asked his
opinion of Margaret Thatcher these days.
Silence is seldom so eloquent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arthur_Scargill_talks_Th...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
These are the depths we are plumbing nowadays
* WHEN NURSERY RHYMES ARE CASSANDRA-LIKE
PROPHECY - "There was an old man called Michael
Finnegan / He grew whiskers on his chinnegan."
http://ksuanth.weebly.com/finnegan.html
* GOATSE QUEEN MONEY - jeligula writes, "I
thought this worth your attention, as it seems
to me that the portrait of Queen Elizabeth as
she appears on the back of the new Canadian $20
dollar bill... well, when viewed at arm's
length, it looks like her face is right above a
man's crack as he goatses the world. Never mind
the 9/11 reference people are screaming about,
they are missing the bigger picture. I'm
looking at it right now and, I tell you it has
to be seen to be believed."
http://yhoo.it/KVb1rg
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Biro Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to get jiggy with
some ink.
Your favourites included:
* BIRO: tenderly rendered biro, in biro, for
biro art challenge from the biro art man
(NobbyNobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10760711
* EGYPT: conceived of a golden phallus after
Osiris's member was eaten by a catfish, Horus
also like skiing
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10760834
* AAAAGH: monsters. Lots of them. All different
colours and everything (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10760745
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biros/
>> New challenge: Camels <<
This week's one-word challenge is to celebrate
those mighty ships of the desert: CAMELS.
Challenge suggested by edward bear and Drunken
Miss Columbho
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/camels/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHARITY YAY - mushybees writes, "Thanks to
you lot, B3ta and Facebook we got £464 for
@MindCharity last week by doing nothing! Give
more!"
http://www.justgiving.com/mushybees
* VAX NOSTALGIA - A Lurker writes, "A mate of
mine who has worked with computers since
mainframes used to be assembled out of modules
the size of buses which were themselves
assembled in proper Manchester engineering
shops, uses a selection of footers such as
"Sent from my PDP11/45" & "Sent from my VAX
11/780" He doesn't have (or want) an iPhone
either..." Ha - Your Ginger Fuhrer's first job
interview in London was looking after some Vax
for some financial company (it was still in
place in late 90s, as no one knew if getting rid
of it would make the whole financial industry
collapse - that was the fear anyway). He
actually got the job but didn't take it up as
- Christ - looking after an ancient old Vax
sounded dull as fuck.
* SHED OF THE YEAR - the reader's shed people
write, "Just to let you know that Sunday May
20th is closing Date for Shed of the year 2012.
We have some great entries this year and even a
b3tan one. Public Voting opens May 21st - then
our shed judges including Sarah Beeny , Neil
Gaiman Shed of the year 2011 Winner Jon Earl
and me - Uncle Wilco - will pick a winner from
the top shed in each category."
http://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* LONDON SKYLINE - Go up to Alexandra Palace,
take a photo of the London skyline and add
arrows saying what is what and who owns it. The
Shard, for instance, was built with
Sharia-compliant investment meaning (in theory)
that no western banks, gambling or alcohol
companies should be in residence there.
* HANKIE CODE FOR STRAIGHTS - Red hankie: "I'm
on the blob". Blue hankie: "I vote Tory."
* SKIPPABLE TV LIST - concurrency writes, "I
watch iPlayer sometimes. The Apprentice has
about 3 minutes of titles and irrelevant
catch-up followed by about 15 seconds of 'Week
x' title card and moody London skyline
establisher. The voiceover kicks in at 3:15
exactly. There are other shows that do the
same. How about a list/page/links directly to
the first new content part of the programmes?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Great people: [email protected]
Spunk badgers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Monty Boyce,
KnackerDwarf, Turquoise Hexagon Sun,
TheTrampSurveyor, Claude Speed, planearm,
superdonal, pigfaceturnip & Mark Davison,
ShiddyMitters, Matt Round is a lovely man and
ShiddyMitters Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via
robneymcplum. Subjlols via HappyToast.
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