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This Week:
* OLYMPICS - Shoot the protesters game
* THE RAID - Claymation bloodbath
* REPUBLICAN BUTTPLUGS - Sexed-up figures

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're buying 1 share
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     in Facebook...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        together" 

B3ta email 529  - 18 May 2012

Read this issue wearing sexy knickers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue529 

   Kisses :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Pisses : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  eToro trading

  eToro is a currency and commodities exchange
  platform that lets you practise trading if you
  are a bit wary, and you can see the most
  successful traders and just copy their moves
  if you want. Basically if you've fancied
  having a go trading but don't know what to do
  it's a good place to start as you can watch
  and learn without damaging your own money.
http://bit.ly/J68CLN
  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK


  >> Olympics missile defender <<
  "Would a game where the Olympic mascots fire
  rooftop missiles at protests be a bad idea?"
  asks Tom Scott. "Oh. Well, I made one anyway."
  Defend the Olympics, foil terrorist plots.
http://www.tomscott.com/olympics/


  >> Claycat's THE RAID <<
  "Claycation, am i right?" queries
  leehardcastle, inexplicably. We haven't seen
  the film this is based on but, crikey, it's a
  bloody, ultra-violent treat!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_RAID


  >> iPad beatbox app thing <<
  "This is my big bedroom project of the year so
  far," confesses karls. "Your inner
  electro-monkey may become extremely
  titillated. Please tell your friends who might
  like it. I really want this to be my job!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victorian_era_beatbox_app_thing


  >> Shrimp <<
  "Time to get old-school!" yells Weebl,
  wheeling out an infectious glockenspiel.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shrimp


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Shops and Supermarkets

  We asked for your shop tales from either
  side of the counter. There's a lot of stinking,
  pissy customers out there:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/

  * BRIANS - "I've delivered to many
  supermarkets and the back door staff usually
  contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren.
  They don't work the floor for reasons that
  will become clear. Brian is the big lad; very
  strong, very tall and very, very slow. But
  wouldn't hurt a fly. Darren is the opposite.
  Scrawny and foulmouthed, he lives to bark
  orders at the Brian and act the cunt. One
  glorious day, I saw a Brian retaliate. Darren
  was snarling his usual, "Get a move on, you
  fat, useless bastard" But Brians only have one
  speed, in case they lose count of their feet.
  Darren shouted, "You'd move quicker if yer Mum
  wanted fucking." Brian picked him up and
  shoved him head first into the refuse chute -
  the chute with a one-way flap that led to a
  skip with no exit. I told Brian's disciplinary
  hearing quite a lot of lies, and he kept his
  job." (all my scars face forward)
     
  * CLINGFILM - "About 20 years ago, I was
  working in a fairly nondescript pub, situated
  on a busy road with very few walk-in clients.
  The owner dreamed up a sure-fire strategy to
  boost punters: employ naked women. He arranged
  for two "hot chicks" to arrive at 3 o'clock
  each day, get naked and wander around behind
  the bar. The male staff were to wear formal
  attire to complete the transformation into an
  upmarket masturbatoriam. It was shit. There
  was a building site next door and, as
  predicted, once word had got out about the
  "naked chick pub" every afternoon we'd be full
  of pissed up, slathering labourers. Then the
  Health Authorities got wind and told the owner
  he had to cover up the girls, as presumably
  there was a risk of a badly-wiped arse or evil
  minge-vapours infecting the beer. Not wanting
  to lose his hard gained hordes of sad
  masturbators, he wrapped the girls in...
  clingfilm. Now, a shapely woman in a
  tight-fitting dress looks magnificent, with a
  degree of mystery from the exciting bits being
  covered up. A woman wrapped in clingfilm just
  looks plain fucking weird. Everything gets
  squashed and grossly distorted. Especially the
  pubes. Imagine a big black spider squashed
  beneath a pane of glass. Worse was that
  clingfilm doesn't breathe, so there was a lot
  of misting, sweating and body odour. Business
  dropped off as the display of squished flesh
  was too much even for the most hardened
  drinker. I left not long after, cured of any
  desire to ever enter a strip club." (Ken Oath)

  * ONLINE - "I'd used the Tesco website a
  couple of times before, and I don't know
  exactly how it happened - some computer
  glitch, or, more likely, my brain spazzed and
  thought I'd got everything for the week.
  Whatever - the next day my allotted time came,
  the delivery van arrived and I opened the door
  not to a small tower of those plastic boxes,
  but a grinning driver holding a small paper
  bag. The bag contained one single, solitary,
  mushroom. I'm sure somebody had gone out of
  their way to find the single finest specimen
  as it was absolutely perfect, proportioned,
  shaped, not a blemish on it. Just not enough
  to make a spag bol though." (real)


  >> This Week - Sex Toys <<
  In which we discover why there are no
  batteries in the telly remote. Tell us what
  you use to get yourself off:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Design your own custom doll <<
  Like the character customisation screen on any
  number of computer games, except that the end
  result is you get mailed a slightly
  spooky-looking little doll. Did we say doll?
  We meant action figure.
http://makie.me/


  >> "Blow Job Portraits" <<
  Don't worry, it's entirely safe for work.
  Photographer lines up volunteers and snaps
  headshots while they are blasted with
  compressed air. Some hilarious (and slightly
  disgusting) expressions on show.
http://bit.ly/JMAfLV


  >> How Yahoo murdered Flickr <<
  Scathing analysis of just how badly the
  internet giant dropped the ball, when it
  acquired then-hot photo-sharing site Flickr.
  They coulda been a Facebook, damnit!
http://gizmo.do/L3tC4t


  >> Hand-carved tyres <<
  Remarkably intricate works of art, to adorn
  the wheels of the super-rich.
http://www.wimdelvoye.be/tyres.php


  >> Endless Nic Cage gifs <<
  If you find Nicholas Cage to be watchable then
  you are in for a treat. Anyone else? Sheer
  madness. 
http://gifolas-cage.tumblr.com/archive  


  >> Sorry Stewart Lee - we love you <<
  Stewart Lee has been googling for nasty
  comments about himself and sticking them on
  his site. Three made by b3tans on /links.
http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/online_critiques.htm


  >> 25 words that don't exist in English. <<
  Handy list of words that express concepts we
  don't have in English. Now, if you'll excuse
  us, we've been struck with litost.
http://bit.ly/IhHLwP


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  The web is now a shitty telly. Yay

  >> Make a controller from anything <<
  MaKey MaKey is a Kickstarter project for an
  "invention kit". Basically, it lets you make a
  computer interface from pretty much anything.
  Our favourite was 'Banana Piano'.
http://kck.st/IT93rz


  >> Grand Old Party buttplugs <<
  Fun with data visualisation - voter approval
  ratings for each of the Republican
  presidential candidates, produced as a range
  of handy buttplugs. The Santorum looks like
  it would get medieval on your ass.
http://mepler.com/Grand-Old-Party


  >> European borders over the last 1,000 years <<
  The shifting patterns of Europe's countries
  over the last millennium. Watch the Mongol
  Horde advance on Europe, see Germany come out
  of nowhere and get huge, gasp as France
  surrenders etc. etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhvrOTcanmw


  >> Pub dog <<
  Gently charming animation about a dog in a
  pub, in a slightly 'Simon's Cat' style.
http://bit.ly/JoM0nW


  >> Dad & kids remake 'Sabotage' <<
  The Beastie Boys' awesome Sabotage video
  remade by a father and his kids, just mucking
  about. Better than it sounds.
http://bit.ly/Kov4PT


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Frauline minge

  The top two German URLs that almost look like
  rude words for lady bits.
http://www.gunt.de/
http://autohaus-cuntz.de/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Camels Challenge

  Last week we asked you to salute the 
  camel.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MUSICAL: they dance, they sing, they win the
  image challenge (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765451 
 
  * CLUNGE: DIY solution to age-old lady-problem
  (Captn Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765775
  
  * CANCER: magnificent, cigar-quaffing ship of
  the desert animation (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10766122
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/camels/


  >> New challenge: Heaven <<
  We pride ourselves on answering the Big
  Questions here at b3ta, and this week's
  challenge is to answer one of the very
  biggest: what does Heaven look like?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy Toast writes, "Just
  wanted to say cheers to whoever was behind the
  gaz system. I gave it a pretty strenuous
  testing over the weekend sending messages back
  and forth between the auction winners and
  artists without the slightest hiccup. We've
  raised about £1,300 with a few bits yet to come
  in, plus the follow-on live auction at the
  London bash still to go. So, all in all, lovely
  generous b3tards all round. All money donated
  to The Cats Survival Trust where Nina the b3ta
  snow leopard lives."


  * INTERVIEW WITH ASHENS - your favourite B3tan
  who's made a career about of reviewing
  electronic tat on YouTube has done an
  interview with Reddit.
http://t.co/RkpleMc2


  * LOTS OF FOLLOWERS FOR BANKSY - old-school
  B3tan @Toastmaster who made the Banksy twitter
  account has now got lots of followers thanks
  to you. Nearly 5,000 of the buggers. 
https://twitter.com/#!/BanksyIdeas


  * B3TA PHOTOSHOPS COME TRUE - Mystery Bob
  writes, "Nearly 10 years ago, I made this
  picture for B3ta (and got my second ever
  frontpage.. woo). Just recently I was given
  this as a gift... I wonder what stuff popping
  up on the board today will be available for
  real in 10 years' time. I really hope it's not
  any of Cyriak's stuff."
http://b3ta.com/board/392646
http://amzn.to/JcpcgB


  * YOUR OWN DAN BULL SONG - "I'm selling a
  customised song on eBay," reveals rapmeister
  Dan Bull. ('rapmeister' is what the kids call
  it, right?) "I'll write & record a track about
  anything you want!" Carve yourselves off a
  little piece of history. 
http://t.co/IyGuX2Np


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LEVESON LOLS - tom.kimble asks, "I wonder
  if, in the style of 'I'm not here to Make
  Friends' or the 'Like' mash-up from 'When
  Fearne met Peaches', one of your b3tans might
  be able create a video combining all of the
  instances in the Leveson enquiry when News
  International employees were unable to recall
  things."

  * A TUMBLR OF THE LOWEST-QUALITY
  HIGHEST-PRICED PROPERTY IN THE UK - we'll
  start you off with this lovely place; a snip
  at £175k
http://bit.ly/J5FRib

  * SNOT AS SEASONING - if your snot is anything
  like ours it's pretty damn salty. Ideal for
  flavouring soup or pasta.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Sex piss:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Dog piss:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jms,
  HappyToast, Abercadabra, &#8207;@kingjaynl,
  @matlock, &#8207;@RobBoella, Tab Hunter,
  UltimateMonkey, adfsingh, atomicstate Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Top tip via Pope Shax IX
  Subjlols via @mathmif.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Convince friends that you have a cat by shitting
  and puking on the carpet and shredding furniture
  with a Stanley knife.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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