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This Week:
* SEX TOYS - Your filthy answers to our questions
* GAME - Utterly addictive minimalist RPG
* SLOW MO - iPhone does 60fps, who knew?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 530  - 25 May 2012

Read this issue pretending to be Welsh:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue530 

   Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Haters : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: BUM SMACKINGLY FUNNY GREETING CARDS
  (sponsored link)

  Fancy making someone you know smile? Then buy
  them one of these lovely things. They’re
  guaranteed to make you well popular. Brilliant
  Father's day cards as well. Warning: you may
  laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out!
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page101.htm


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Things, stuff & nonsense

  >> 'Keep Calm' posters must stop <<
  Wildyles writes, "I have been collecting all
  the terrible 'Keep Calm' things. I hope to lock
  them in a box and save us all." Personally we
  don't think people should keep calm, they
  should do things that, if we were to mention
  them, would probably land us in jail.
http://keepcalmmuststop.tumblr.com/


  >> Social Media Revolution (parody) <<
  "I made this with Will Rolls of @madeupstats
  and thepoke.co.uk", writes iain1968, "It's a
  sideways swipe at all those stats that make
  Facebook seem so important!" Lovely stats and
  wonderful presentation even if it's financed by
  our bitter rivals thepoke (we plan to drink
  wine from their hollowed out skulls).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Social_Media_Revolution_parody


  >> Sheep! VS CCTV <<
  Funny old thing Sheep getting a German TV deal,
  We can't quite bring ourselves to use the Max X
  name. Reminds us of when MTV insisted on
  calling Jonti Picking's stuff Wobble & Bob.
  Still, an amusing sketch about the sinister
  forces working in our urban environments. You
  should watch Ben Wheatley's Tesco one directly
  afterwards and feel as paranoid as tin foil.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Max_CCTV


  >> London in slow motion <<
  Tallroo writes, "Inspired by Trey Ratcliff's
  'Stuck in Motion' technique, shooting on an
  iPhone 4S at 60 frames per seconds using an app
  called SloPro." We're mainly mentioning this
  because we didn't know the iPhone could do slow
  motion filming. This is new and exciting
  information. Use it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_in_slow_motion


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: LONDON B3TA BASH 
  This Sat, Earls Court

  Riverghost writes, "Saturday is London Bash
  day. This year looks like it'll be a huge turn
  out. Things kick off at 5pm in the upstairs bar
  at O'Neill's - Earls Court. There'll be some
  food laid on, bawwoon hanimal bawwoons to make
  willy hats out of and the bash auction later
  on. All welcome."
http://b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598

  BTW: Riverghost also says, "If you could
  include that we should be getting a
  tweet/bellow from Brian Blessed about the Bash
  & Auction at about 4pm today."


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: STUFF SENT TO US VIA THE ROYAL MAIL
  Real things from B3tans. Not just .gif's
  
  Not quite sure why, but two real things turned
  up in the post from B3tans: a book and an LP.

  * HOW TO BUILD A ROBOT (WITH YOUR DAD) - sent
  through by the author Aubery Smith. And a very
  good concept for a book it is too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843178788/b3ta-21

  * C64 TUNES ON VINYL LP - if you ever wanted
  Ben Daglish, Martin Galway & Rob Hubbard on
  your turntable now is your chance. The official
  B3ta wife asked what we were playing - she
  thought it was a bit 'acid housey'. Thanks to
  Chris Abbott for both compiling the record and
  sending us a copy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006Z908J8/b3ta-21


  BTW: Speaking of C64s - this Commodore Keytar
  is a thing of wonder. And the woman playing it
  could probably have per pick of nerdy 40
  something guys. Which is what all women want,
  obviously, Mel Gibson was wrong.
http://bit.ly/LhuPtl


  If you want to post us stuff then please do,
  get in touch and we'll give you a mailing
  address, although we draw the line at human
  excrement. Animal excrement, fine, clearly.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: BRILLIANT GREETING CARDS TO MAKE YOU SMILE
  (sponsored link)

  What you didn't notice our first ad? Blimey,
  we'll have to run a second then just for you.
  Check us out now  because we've got a great
  deal on for B3ta readers, a FREE bonus card of
  your choice with every order.
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page101.htm


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sex Toys

  We wanted stories of Sex Toys. Not one mention
  of a Buzz Lightyear shaped dildo. Go read the 
  funny answers to K.W.A's story of her man with
  a stump:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/

  * NUTS - "Many moons ago, I thought it'd be a
  laugh to make a wax candle /  dildo in the
  shape of my cock, and send it to my ex
  girlfriend. Remind her exactly what she was
  missing. At the time I hadn't heard of dental
  alginate, so I set about making a mould out of
  plaster. How clever am I, I thought, because
  when the erection goes down, it will shrink and
  I'll be left with a perfect cast. I cut a hole
  in a plastic tub and positioned it at poking
  height. In with the body parts and in with the
  plaster. Problem 1: Plaster of Paris takes
  about 20 minutes to cure, and it's pretty tough
  to maintain a hands-free erection for that
  long. Problem 2: it gets pretty hot while it
  cures. But eventually it hardened enough to
  remove the cast. Only to find problem 3: my
  pubes had formed a rigid matrix in the plaster.
  I'd re-invented fibreglass. Now I'm standing in
  my room, naked, with 2kg of rock firmly
  attached to my tenderest parts. After trying
  everything I could I eventually realised that
  I'd have to rip the damn thing off by brute
  force. Luckily nobody heard the agonised primal
  screams and protracted sobbing that accompanied
  my DIY velcro experience. I ended up with a
  far-from-impressive candle - like a tea-light
  left in a hot car - but on the plus side, I did
  gain a beautifully waxed scrotum." (moon monkey)

  * LOADED - "Back in the early 1990s I worked in
  public health research. I was also a regular
  clubber. One night at a club in Glasgow, I met
  Ken. I was only 23 and still a little naive -
  despite working in the HIV field. Ken was the
  first out-and-proud gay man I'd ever met. He'd
  appear on the dance floor then suddenly
  disappear for ten minutes. After this happened
  a couple of times, I asked him where he'd been.
  'Out on the fire escape giving some guy a
  blow job.' I was slightly shocked but curious:
  the nerd researcher in me felt compelled to
  ask, 'Do you practise safe sex?' 'Oh God no,
  the riskier the better, if I can get away with
  it.' I asked him what was the unsafest sex he'd
  ever had. He paused to think. Now, I was
  expecting a ten-man bareback orgy, or an
  outdoor encounter with a good chance of being
  caught, so I was rather taken aback by his
  actual response, 'It would have to be that time
  I had a loaded double-barrelled shotgun shoved
  up my arse.'" (ThisCaledonianClown)  
   
  * SEXCALIBER - "My missus asked me to buy her a
  vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any
  interest in sex, I agreed. I went to a sex shop
  in Notting Hill, and lacking further
  instruction I picked out a medium-large purple
  rubbery one. Returning home, she was
  disappointed: I'd failed to understand that for
  something to be called a vibrator, it had to
  vibrate. What I'd bought was a dildo. I tried
  to return it, but sensibly they don't accept
  returns on sex toys. Though I'm sure there's a
  market somewhere for used dildos, I forked out
  for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable
  speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried
  putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a
  horse in Hyde Park, but the climb was too
  difficult and I'd attracted onlookers and I
  bottled it. So I ended up tossing it in the
  Serpentine, where it awaits to this day, ready
  to rise erect, cupped in a ghostly hand for the
  rightful King of the Realm." (cumquat may)


  >> This Week - Down on the Farm <<
  Have you ever been chased from a field by a
  shotgun-wielding maniac? Ever removed city
  arseholes from your field whilst innocently
  carrying a shotgun? Tell us your farm stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Depressed copy writer <<
  Defacing adverts is joyful, why is that?
  Possibly because ads are a one way
  communication. The advert is the corporate
  talking to you and saying "spend money" -
  scribbling on them and posting them online is
  a way to make it a two way conversation. Well,
  a conversation that goes, "Buy something!"
  "No, fuck off!" 
http://www.depressedcopywriter.com/


  >> Gifs + Sound <<
  YTMND made gifs + sound loops famous but when
  someone has had a good idea: why not do it
  again? And grab the sounds from easily
  available youtube videos? Neat idea. Link goes
  to the everywhere-this-week 'slinky on a
  treadmill' thing but with music by the now
  sadly 2/3rds dead Bee Gees. You can do better.
http://bit.ly/LySR2j


  >> Sites we should have done #55 <<
  As we regularly feature crap Amazon products
  and trollish reviews in this very newsletter,
  we've occasionally wondered about spinning off
  such nonsense onto its own site. But of course
  we're too lazy and someone else has got there
  first. Still, you'll enjoy it. 
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/ 


  >> HTML5 spinny thing <<
  We predict some porn site will remake this with
  tits and it'll get a bazillion hits. We also
  predict that our predictions are often wrong.
http://jonlax.com/ 


  >> Check if your credit card is stolen <<
  Ha, no - don't type your credit card number
  into strange sites just because B3ta says so.
  A nice warning produced by the Anti-Phishing
  Working Group - you might want to pass this
  on to your mum / dad.
http://ismycreditcardstolen.com/


  >> Calming manatee <<
  Reassuring words from a manatee - the wise cow
  of the sea. We've just looked them up on
  Wikipedia and they're roughly as intelligent as
  dolphins and loads of them get killed by
  commercial shipping. What a world.
http://calmingmanatee.com


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: MONEY OFF NEWSLETTER
  (sponsored link)
 
  Bownty is a daily deal aggregator, instead of
  getting emails from all those sites such as
  Groupon, KGB deals etc you get one email that
  has all of the offers.
http://www.awin1.com/awclick.php?mid=4117&id=95811


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but no licence needed. Huzzah.
  
  >> New Skrillex track <<
  Skrillex (according to Wikipedia) makes
  Dubstep, Brostep, electro house, Moombahton,
  glitch, post-hardcore & metalcore music. Here's
  a sneak preview of his new song.
http://bit.ly/K4eU1r


  >> Facial optical illusion <<
  Keep your eyes on the cross and watch how the
  Hollywood stars faces deform via the 'flashed
  face distortion effect'.
http://mbthompson.com/research/
  

  >> Rick Astley backwards <<
  While looking up how / why the famous Rick Roll
  video had been snatched by a dubious copyright
  takedown this week, we found this reversed
  version with interpreted lyrics. Old, but fits
  of laughter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaeJt5ziiA0
  

  >> Culinary Propaganda with Bartek <<
  Mary Epworth writes, "Have you watched these
  yet? I keep trying to make you feature Bartek."
  Hmm. No, we hadn't watched these very strange
  cooking videos but we will take the opportunity
  to pre-plug Mary's music. Look up Saddle Song &
  Black Doe on Youtube. Wonderful songs. Her
  album is out soon and we'll have to remember to
  give that a proper plug.
http://www.youtube.com/user/culinarypropaganda/videos


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Minimalist RPG for your Friday gaming pleasure 
  
  We spent a good hour on this game last night
  and wasted much of the time we should have been
  researching the B3ta newsletter. So lo-fi you
  might dismiss it but if you do engage with it -
  gosh crazily addictive. Make sure you press the
  button to turn the Japanese into English and
  fuck it, we want to finish writing this damn
  newsletter so we can have another go. Seriously
  - are there any iOS games like this?
http://nekogames.jp/g.html?gid=PRM


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Heaven Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture Heaven

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CARLISLE: delicious fish-based pun action
  from former Go-Go (VicBrown)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/ 
 
  * MEATBALLS: rare peak at Flying Spaghetti
  Monster-based utopia (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770928 
 
  * STUFF: vision of the afterlife that is
  exactly 674% awesome
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770572
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/


  >> New challenge: Explosions <<
  This week's challenge is to celebrate the
  magnificence of explosions. So photoshop them.
  Or cause them. And photoshop the results. PS:
  don't cause them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ROBERT DE NIRO SALAD - Mike Tapia pleads, "I
  had a dream recently that desperately needs
  realising. Basically a friend of mine had
  started up a website called Saladdeniro.com
  which involved pictures of Robert de Niro being
  edited to incorporate salad. EG, smoking a
  cigar that's been replaced with celery or
  wearing a lettuce leaf hat. It was REALLY
  popular and remains one of the most vivid
  dreams I've ever had. It NEEDS to happen!"
  Hopefully someone can help.

  * YO YO YO LAURYN HILL SUPERCUT - Bela Lugosi's
  Dad asks, "Can someone stitch together all the
  times Lauryn Hill goes 'yo' on her Miseducation
  album. Halfway into 'Ex-Factor', I gave up and
  started cutting again."

  * A MAGIC VERSION OF YOUTUBE THAT PLAYED THINGS
  BACKWARDS - who has time to fiddle with video
  editing software when you want to worship Satan?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Great people:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Utter twats: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA ADVERTISING
 
  Thanks to Mark Williams & Jim Brough for
  sponsoring this newsletter. If you wish to be
  like them - good people who'll probably go to
  heaven - then you too should sponsor the B3ta
  newsletter.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
  David Stevenson who has gone on holiday. Stuff
  sent in by @TomDavenport, @mattround,
  @TheNessaNator, &#8207;@davelee, meepmeep &
  Mr.Aaaarrrggghhh! Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via
  sittingduck. Special thanks to MATT ROUND.
  Subjlols via Emvee Stark.

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  TOP TIP:
  Alfresco chess players! Playing chess outside a
  pub does not make you look like an intellectual
  bohemian. It makes you look like a cunt.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ 

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