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NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUT(KIN)S"

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This Week:
* FLUFF - Ticklish meerkay
* GIFS - Now with sound!
* BISCUITS - Celeb snack database

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving pee-pee
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     in bottles...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        together"

B3ta email 545  - 7th Sept 2012

Read this issue with a Vocoder playing Bach
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue545 

   Choosers :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Losers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  B3tan Writes Book "The Theory of Games"
  
  Ezra writes, "Can you promote my new book about
  a computer game designer and his faithful dog,
  who discover a White House coup? The book will
  be free from midnight Sept. 7 PST (which is
  probably 9 AM GMT) to Midnight Sept. 11." Oh,
  go on then.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007RXVBEW/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Biscuits, Penises & Steam

  >> Celebrity Biscuit Database <<
  What biscuits are favoured by your celebrity of
  choice? Find out here, or tweet them directly
  and add your information to this comically
  comprehensive treat-centred database. "I blame
  the b3ta interview with
  nicecupofteaandasitdown," explains @5olly.
http://Www.celebritybiscuitdatabase.com


  >> One-stroke penis <<
  "A couple of guys at work urgently called me
  over the other week, to explain their new,
  earth-shattering 'business venture'," begins
  catfurnace. "Duly, I went away and knocked
  together what would become OneStrokePenis.com.
  One chance, one stroke. Draw a penis in one
  stroke. Do more if you want, but real men
  finish in one." Are you man enough?
http://onestrokepenis.com/


  >> What Steam Is For <<
  "My apologies to gamers who take gaming so very
  seriously that this will make them mad bro,"
  laments somegreybloke. The unvarnished and
  slightly upsetting truth about what Steam is
  really for.
http://b3ta.com/links/What_Steam_Is_For


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: AMAZON TAT
  Blue Rock Candy

  Breaking bad fans should enjoy these reviews of
  what's obviously sweets but Amazonians are
  enjoying pretending is crystal meth. Unless,
  that is, we've got the wrong end of the stick,
  and Amazon is actually selling meth.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005SWKZG4/b3ta-20


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Blazing Ignorance
 
  Last week we asked for spectacular displays of
  ignorance. Far too many of these feature
  USAnians on holiday. We think they are trolling
  you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blaxingignorance/

  * ANTELOPE - "The words you never say - not the
  rude ones, oh no. Everyone says those
  eventually. I mean the ones that there's no
  normal reason to say. The words you can define
  perfectly well, but never tried pronouncing.
  You see, a professional meeting, aged 27, is
  NOT the best place to find out that 'Antelope'
  doesn't rhyme with 'Penelope'. But everyone
  else had a damn good laugh." (CarpeCyprinidae)
 
  * HORSE - "Watching some kind of equestrian
  event during the Paralympics a couple of days
  ago, and my first thought was, 'Oh, they've
  even got disabled horses.' Then I realised it
  was the dressage." (gibbletwunt)
 
  * JESUS - "I met an Australian girl a while
  back who was hot but astonishingly ignorant.
  After a few drinks somehow the conversation
  turned to Hitler and she said that she was
  always really upset that Jesus just sat back
  and did nothing about him. Asked to explain her
  reasoning, she informed us that since Jesus
  looked about forty when he featured in a film
  she had seen which was made in the 60s, he must
  have been about twenty at the start of WW2. She
  found it astonishing that the son of god must
  have implicitly supported the Nazi party. Open
  mouths. What do you do? We all agreed politely,
  snuck out in ones and twos for fags, and pissed
  ourselves." (The Admiral's Chair)


  >> This Week - WORST PERSON FOR THE JOB <<
  To celebrate our new Health Secretary being a
  fan of hocus-pocus homeopathy, tell us about
  people spectacularly out of their depth or your
  own incompetence at your chosen job:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstpersonforthejob/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * ANIMATED GIFS + DUBSTEP - MC. writes, "A mate
  of mine did this. I can just watch it all
  day. (Hit refresh top right)." In the future,
  this will be an entire Sky channel.
http://www.dubgif.com/


  * FUCK OFF COOKIE LAW - An interesting, and
  hopefully successful, approach to the
  irritating-as-fuck EU cookie law.
http://nocookielaw.com/


  * ANIMALS BEING DICKS - All your favourite
  moments of creature cuntforts on one handy
  website.
http://animalsbeingdicks.com/


  * U2 SLASH FICTION - "Bono gritted his teeth as
  he felt the insistent pounding of orgasm at the
  base of his spine" - a hole site of it, you'll
  feel quite soiled if you actually read it. And
  never be able to look Adam Clayton in the eye
  again.
http://www.loveisblindness.net/


  * SAVE OUR BRIDGES - US infrastructure is
  fucked. Yay for the land of the free.
http://saveourbridges.com/map.html


  * LONDON TUBE MAP MADE INTO A RADIO - Beautiful
  bit of circuit design. Now please do Leonardo
  Da Vinci's Divine Proportion as an egg-timer.
http://bit.ly/NYO6hd


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with comments at the bottom on the
  screen saying rude things

  >> GIF sound the video. <<
  Imagine if gifs had sound! What a world!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GIF_sound_the_video


  >> Kubrick: One-point perspective <<
  One-point perspective is when all lines zoom
  off to the same point. Think looking down a
  long straight road into the horizon. Kubrick
  liked this shot a lot. We suspect it was
  because he saw the world as a huge vagina to
  stick his camera zoom penis into.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kubrick_One_Point_Perspective


  >> Weighty chap sings nicely << 
  Every so often, reality TV or the internet
  throws up a person with a wonderful voice but
  utterly the wrong physical appearance for pop
  music, which is essentially about getting the
  right face to stick on packets of bubble gum.
  This guy wouldn't sell much bubble gum, but he
  can sing, and the traffic shows people
  responding to him. He's all of us, the fat
  public, stuffed with crap from supermarkets but
  somehow a brief moment of nobility.
http://pocket.co/s8KxU

  
  >> Amazing Music Video <<
  Adam Buxton, half in love with and half
  irritated by cheapo music videos, brings us his
  latest, Murdoch-funded entertainment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Music_Video


  >> Terry Nutkins vs. S-Express <<
  Very sad news about Lord Nutkins. Remember him
  this way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Nutkins_v_S_Express


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Purchasing Data Manager - Richard Backholer

  Backholer. What a wonderful surname. Let's not
  shorten his name to Dick.
http://bit.ly/NYQYea


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Deep, Essex, Smiles

  >> Mysteries of the Deep <<
  "Something mysterious and deep for your
  consideration," entices Pig Face Turnip. "It's
  made by me, and B3tan Superdonal filmed it."
  The deadpan presentation really tickled us.
http://b3ta.com/links/853130


  >> Robin of Essex <<
  "We just made a thing called Robin of Essex,"
  writes Jon Link. "It's a retelling of the Robin
  Hood legend, boldly relocated to Medieval
  Essex: an emotionally-charged, lavish, 6-minute
  animated epic." Charming, mild lairyness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1tsdQJK0Z0


  >> Tiny Smiles <<
  "This is a clip from the taster I made for 7k
  (with the help of b3tard Dave Packer of Sheep
  films)," writes BIG FACE. "It has some
  surprising faces in it including old mates from
  the Boosh. I thought I'd put it out there as
  our pilot is being aired on friday night on
  BBC3 at 10pm. I'd love my fellow b3tards to
  watch it."
http://b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Smiles


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Ticklish fluff 

  The tickling reflex is halfway between joy and
  panic and is being cruelly used in
  AnimalGuantanamo Bay, on animals suspected of
  working against capitalist imperialism.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ticklish_fluff


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: BIRTHS, MARRIAGES & DEATHS
  Peregr1n
  
  Matthew.Whittaker writes, "Just in case you
  didn't already know, Peregr1n, recently died
  in a motorbike accident in California." Too
  much of this sort of thing. Bad times.
http://b3ta.com/board/10843365


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Restoration Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to restore art, 
  badly. Your favourites included:
 
  * CANAL - Millais's popular pre-Raphaelite
  classic, Ophelia, with added shopping trolley
  (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837587
 
  * MIRROR - Jan van Eyck's popular Netherlandish
  classic The Arnolfini Wedding, with added
  morons (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837398

  * CHERUB - William-Adolphe Bouguereau's popular
  Neoclassic classic, with added Japanese TV
  mascot (atomic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10838139
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/restored-art/


  >> New challenge: Kids' Slasher Movies  <<
  This week's challenge is to take classic kids'
  films and turn them into scary slasher movies,
  adapting the characters to make them horrific,
  violent and despicable.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/slasherkids/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOODBYE SMELLY HANDS - BourbonBiscuits
  writes, "The recent newsletter had a plea
  entitled 'HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF VINEGAR OFF
  OUR HANDS'. I have a cooking tip to help with
  that. After cutting up garlic, run the knife
  under the cold tap and rub your fingertips
  along the knife (the side! not the sharp bit)
  to eradicate the smell. I reckon it might work
  with vinegar too, cos it worked when my hands
  smelt of cum the other day."


  * DICK-TV - rnuk writes, "Cut out a cock and
  balls, and blu-tac it onto your telly. You then
  laugh when it goes near someone's mouth.
  Sore-throat adverts and Songs of Praise are
  usually the best."
  
  
  * GOOD RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES - rumclaren writes,
  "These are the batteries you want; they're
  superb, with the always welcome LSD technology
  too: NIMH+ rechargeable batteries."
http://bit.ly/NYOcW5

  Similar available on Amazon too:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0025WB4HE/b3ta-21


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * STICKERS THAT SAY 'GING' - ideal for adding
  to public signs saying "please clean up after
  your dog"

  * iPHONE iPLAYER APP - The BBC have recently
  upgraded it to allow you to download and watch
  video off line. Please can they do the same for
  radio? Would be handy to cue up a few shows
  before leaving the house.
  
  * AN OPEN-SOURCE PHONE - both software and
  firmware. Looks like these things are pretty
  much the default camera / PC for most of the
  world and they are locked down to fuck.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Cyber chums:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Cum farts:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Scrunt, LOGIK,
  missanthrope, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
  Stashie, &#8207;@RBFesquire, Pig Face Turnip,
  presferatu, Land of Green Ginger, Joe Scaramanga
  miss fortunate, Moon Girl Technologies.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Toptip via cupboardy Subjlols
  via rattlehead. Instead of being forced to do
  lines, kids should start with smoking marijuana
  before trying the harder stuff. Wean
  themselves in.

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  TOP TIP:
  Make your sunglasses look like new by putting
  them in the top of the dishwasher on a low
  setting. It really works.  (This is a recycled
  tip from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Sunday Times
  column in the late 90s.)

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