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NEWSLETTER: "ONE MINUTE YOU'RE TAKING REGISTER. NEXT DAY YOU'RE ON ONE."

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This Week:
* CAT DETECTOR - No more internet kittens for you
* BEN GOLDACRE - A 'sexclusive' interview 
* CUDDLY TOY - Stinky Daddy

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the coupons    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to get 10p off soup"
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B3ta email 548  - 28th Spet 2012

Press play then any key:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue548 

   Fuckwits : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Witty fucks : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: CRAP GRAFFITI BOOK
  (sponsored link, sort of)

  Son of Crazymum writes, "A couple of years ago
  you featured my website crapgraffiti.com in
  your newsletter. Thanks to the many quality
  photos of CDCs and random swearing sent in by
  b3tans, we now have a enough great content to
  publish a book. It's available here:" 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091948622/b3ta-21


  FREE COPIES! - "We have some copies to give
  away, and so would like to give one to the
  readers as thanks for their contribution. If
  anyone sends us a photo of some crap graffiti
  they have found (only pics they've taken
  themselves please) and categorise it as 'b3ta'
  in the submission we'll send a copy to the best
  ones we receive in the next week."
http://www.crapgraffiti.com/submissions 


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  You clever creative geniuses you

  >> 'Stinky Daddy' kids' toy <<
  "Inspired by childsown.com, I made a kid's
  drawing into a toy," confesses Damini. "It
  might be pooping a little bit."
http://imgur.com/a/dB5Af


  >> The Ballad of Peniston <<
  "I've just got a wonderful video for the ballad
  of peniston," exults flaxen-haired stunt-cock
  Joel Veitch. "I was done with the glorious
  smearballs - cop your whack for this:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU66Jnz5JXg


  >> Squirrel jump <<
  "Quick and dirty and a bit shit,"
  self-deprecates smaggers, about this charming
  revisit to an old meme.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quick_and_dirty:4


  >> Gary Barlow hangs out with Prince Charles <<
  Saint Gary sucks up to Lord High Pope Charles.
  Grr. Aren't authority figures the worst, you
  guys??? Nice editing from rattlehead.
bit.ly/Q81ket


  >> Michael Jackson: Private Eye <<
  "It's proper good. Promise," promises Jen.
  Troubled US detective sets up shop in a new
  country, but is haunted by the ghosts of his
  whimsical past.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBRpqjjJJkQ


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: BEN GOLDACRE INTERVIEW
  On the launch of his new book 'Bad Pharma'

>> Sum up your book in a paragraph

  Drug companies use exactly the same tricks as
  quacks to mislead people about the benefits of
  their pills, but drug companies are a bit more
  sophisticated, so the science is more
  interesting. Other than that, you couldn't put
  a sliver of piss between them. Some of the
  responses I've had from drug company executives
  this week have amazed me, they deny things that
  are very simply and undeniably documented to be
  true. It's like fighting with homeopaths in
  suits. 


>> After reading this book what do you hope
>> B3tans will do?

  I think the problems in medicine will turn out
  to be like MPs' expenses, or phonetapping
  journalists: people in these communities
  convince each other that what they're doing is
  ok. Then the public get a clear explanation of
  what's been going on, and suddenly the players
  are going to jail: MPs, journalists, and soon,
  perhaps, some doctors and drug company staff.
  Sunlight is a great disinfectant, and just
  knowing about this stuff is a start. After
  that, there is an activism guide in the last
  chapter.  

 
>> How would you save the NHS? 

  This vast, foolish redisorganisation will cost
  billions, and reduce the quality of care.
  Labour began by privatising the 'delivery' side
  of the NHS: the hospitals, clinics, scanners,
  etc. Now the government is privatising the
  'commissioning' side, the planning of
  healthcare services. 

  Most GPs don't have these specialist skills,
  they don't want the job, but they're smart
  people and will press on. As they slowly fail,
  the job of planning and commissioning care will
  come to be done by the private sector, as
  individual consultants, but then private
  companies will take areas over completely. Then
  it's all over, but it'll take time. As Aneurin
  Bevan said: the NHS will survive as long as
  there are people willing to fight for it. 

  Buy the book, oh B3tans.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007350740/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Shit Claims to Fame II
  
  Last week we asked for your flimsiest claims to
  fame. Some of these are worse than that:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame2/

  * UM BONGO - "I went to see Simple Minds play
   supported by OMD. We'd queued early and got
   to the very front with our packed lunches - it
   was going to be a long day. When OMD came on,
   they seemed to have a bit of a problem. The
   crowd weren't very appreciative and there was
   some booing. They also suffered technical 
   problems and they started a bit of a diva act,
   shrugging their shoulders and blaming the poor
   techies. The booing increased, they got more
   narked, and inevitably objects started flying.
   Andy McClusky stuck two fingers up and wound
   everyone up even more. He climbed down off
   the stage to the haters at the front, slapping
   everyone as he ran past. Satisfied with his
   piss-taking, he went to clamber back on to 
   the stage. As he was trying to get up the final
   section of scaffold, he struggled a bit. I 
   don't know what came over me. I looked down
   at my lunchbox, took out my carton of Um Bongo
   and hurled it at him as hard as I could. I'm
   a shit shot at the best of times, but at the
   exact moment he finally stood up on stage, 
   the carton hit him squarely on the back of 
   the head. Still unbalanced, my Um Bongo missile
   sent him sprawling, star-shaped over the floor.
   60,000 people erupted into a huge cheer. As 
   Mr McClusky rolled around the stage, people 
   began patting me on the back and congratulating
   me on my accuracy with fruit-based drinks."
(Pooflake)
  
  * VERY HARD - "My brother came to visit me in
   Merseyside. I was DETERMINED to impress him
   with my well-hard connections, so took him
   to a bar that, I assured him, was proper
   gangster. 'Oh yeah, the landlord's a monster.
   Huge fella, done hard time. Big name in the
   underworld. One of those faces you kind of 
   recognise cos his mugshot's been everywhere.
   Me and him are sound though, proper sound.'
   We arrived, got a drink from him in total 
   silence, and went and sat down. 'Gangster
   then is he?' my brother asked, 'That's 
   Warrior out of Gladiators you fucking spastic.'"
(Wet-chinned bag shanker)
  
  * PRODIGY - "I went to see the Prodigy once and
   afterwards a journalist walked up and told us
   that he couldn't use his three aftershow party
   tickets and was giving them to us. I was queuing
   at the bar for ages trying to get a drink and
   being ignored, muttering under my breath, when
   a hand slapped me on the shoulder followed by
   Keith Flint leaning past me and shouting at a
   barmaid, 'Serve this guy next, he's been here
   ages,' before giving me a nod and fucking off.
   I got three rounds in at once as I suspected
   this would not happen again."
(Guntfuggle Quackblast)


  >> This Week - ROGUES, VILLAINS & ECCENTRICS <<
  We want to create a list of the world's best
  nutters. We thought you might know some:
http://b3ta.com/questions/roguesandvillains/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * JAVACRIPT CAT DETECTOR - hopefully someone
  can expand this exciting code to replace all
  internet cats with pictures of Danny Alexander
  from the Libby Dems.
http://harthur.github.com/kittydar/ 


  * PHILROTICA - Amazing site dedicated to erotic
  tales of Phil Collins - possibly in the style
  of 50 Shades of Grey. Best line? "In a
  last-minute homage to her famous host, she’d
  accessorised with a pair of silver Converse and
  a I <3 PHIL COLLINS pin badge. The effect was
  electric, like the signature keyboard stabs in
  'Sussudio'."
http://www.philrotica.com/


  * FAT BLOG - Concerned of Tunbridge Wells
  writes, "A wonderful blog detailing one woman's
  battle against obesity and her attempts to wipe
  her bottom properly. Contains a discussion of
  the pros and cons of baryatric hygiene
  fanny-wipers (apparently one's hanging, fleshy
  apron can crush the cheap, plastic-handled
  ones) and the relative merits of
  sponge-on-stick vs blasting the tagnuts off
  with a car wheel brush."
http://bit.ly/PKDjuc


  * WiFi DONATION ALARM CLOCK - if you sleep in
  too long it starts donating your cash to
  politicians you hate. 
http://ow.ly/e3GgD 


  * MARTIN LOOFAH KING - "I have a clean" - an
  ideal gift for the ironic racist in your life.
http://bit.ly/TpRIAX


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: AMAZON TAT
  Sticking the wee into e-commerce

  * BEATLES STEREO VINYL BOX - we want this very
  much but blimey £500? We can check if any
  readers purchase this, via our stats. Are any
  of you rich enough? Are any of you rich enough
  to buy it for us?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0041KVW2K/b3ta-21


  * CONVERT YOUR CAT INTO A UNICORN - worth it
  for the photo of the grumpy-looking cat.
http://snurl.com/254uyhe 


  * A GUIDE TO ABANDONED SHOPPING CARTS - "This
  book is easily one of the top four reference
  guides for shopping carts available on the
  market today."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0810955202/b3ta-21


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a flickbook with an automatic thumb

  >> 50 animal impressions <<
  A plethora of amazingly accurate animal
  impressions - stick with it for the lols.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZhmr1TPd_c


  >> Disappointed Hercules <<
  Legendary actor Kevin Sorbo mistakenly reads
  stage direction as dialogue.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O1hM-k3aUY


  >> Ex-punk rockumentary <<
  Gem of a find - Ex-UK Subs drummer Steve "Ze
  Suicide" Roberts is 56, living in York and
  still rocking on. He seems like a lovely man,
  whose real life resembles Spinal Tap meets
  League of Gentlemen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eVW-XVVqJg


  >> Toy train goes to space <<
  Techie dad launches his child's favourite toy
  into the stratosphere, with a camera attached.
  Heartwarming stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoMN-zg7r3M


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Flabby physics

  Confusing at first as this game hides your
  mouse pointer, just keep pressing space and
  you'll get the hang of it.
http://flabbyphysics.com/


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Probably more cornery than funny TBH

  * GERMAN LIFTS - and not that Schindler's Lifts
  one either.
http://wanklifte.de/

  * WOULD YOU EAT HERE? @ajmaus writes, 
  "A Chinese restaurant in the fair city of
  Melbourne, Australia, is a worthy contender for
  your funny name corner."
http://www.kumden.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Haunted House Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to cruelly 
  manipulate a bunch of images we nicked 
  off the web 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TREK: to boldly be afraid of what no 
    man has been afraid of before 
    (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850867
 
  * FAB: celebrate the arrival of the new, 
    vastly overpriced Beatles box set with
    the cast of Sgt. Pepper (ya_what)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10851583
  
  * MAMMARY: sheer terror combined with
    sneaky bosom tap (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850689
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hauntedhouse/


  >> New challenge: Urban Animals <<
  We are all used to urban foxes, but how 
  should the other animals adapt to survive 
  in the modern world? Show us. Show us 
  hard. Challenge suggested by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/urban-animals/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOW TO TRAVEL THE COUNTRY FOR FREE -
  fatboyginge writes, "well you could be a
  retired over-60 person with a bus-pass like my
  dad! Then you can get from London to Leicester
  in about 8 hours and 7 changes!" Hmm, the trick
  is look over-60. Bit of talc?


  * GO AND SEE SOME RETRO-COMPUTING HISTORY STUFF
  - Anne Rogers writes, "Just wanted to give you
  an update on our charity auction for TNMOC (The
  National Museum of Computing) that you featured
  in issue 542. We raised £2,000, which will go a
  long way towards the preservation of Britain's
  computing heritage. They still need a lot more
  support though, and whether it's Chucky Egg or
  Cryptography that floats your boat, I think
  most b3tans would really enjoy a visit. There
  really is something for everyone."
http://www.tnmoc.org


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include...
  always tricky to write this bit so, as we often
  do, we'll fill it up with our minor irritations.

  * TRAINERS THAT DON'T PICK UP DIRT AND LOOK
  TATTY IN TWO DAYS - it's like there is some
  kind of built-in obsolescence conspiracy.
  Capitalism, you tricked us!
  
  * A WAY OF GETTING RID OF CALLUSES - fuck knows
  why we've got them, we haven't done a proper
  day's work in our life. Wanking probably.
  
  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR CHILDREN - ok that's a line
  nicked from a Douglas Adams novel but, Christ,
  was he right.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Enemies :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Stirkovic,
  &#8207;@mrjamieeast, PaddedJungle, @drcreek, phnx0, 
  &#8207;@justinbellinger, &#8207;@denialvibes, robneymcplum,
  sinisterduck
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via robneymcplum.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Stop listening to music as background to your
  life. Make it the foreground. This evening, set
  aside a good hour to sit and listen to an
  album. We mean really listen, not wash up or
  read Twitter.

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