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NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: DO NOT READ IN CHRISTIAN B&BS"

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This Week:
* PICS - from the 'Guardian Truncation Team'
* AMAZON - Dean Gaffney face-clock 
* ANSWERS - The best stuff you've made

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |        "Saved by      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       the bellend"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 551  - 19 Oct 2012

Read this in Morgan Freeman's voice for gravitas:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue551 

   Hello :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Unhello : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK (actually not sponsored)
  Sexual health charity thingie
  
  Helen writes, "I work for the lovely charity FPA
  and we have a new website called desire and
  pleasure - all the money goes to our work
  promoting good sexual health in the UK. Would it
  be possible to be featured in the newsletter?"

  Oh OK, but only if we link to your 'wall mounted
  condom demonstrator.'
http://bit.ly/S1ckdV

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making sweet, sweet semen

  >> Guardian Truncation Team <<
  "Wotcha," greets commuter Nick. "I made a thing,
  collecting 'funny' shortenings of headlines on
  the Guardian iPhone app. It stops me screaming
  point-blank into businessmen's faces at the
  horror of it all."
http://guardiantruncationteam.tumblr.com


  >> Bird Song <<
  "The video for a song we made live on YouTube
  one time," explains Weebl, cryptically. As well
  he might, since he's currently toiling at the
  bottom of a lol-mine, creating hours and hours
  of top-notch animation for a secret future
  project.
http://b3ta.com/links/Bird_Song


  >> Surprise <<
  "I did some more drawn animation," is all we
  have from Faceburger. But we like surprises:
http://b3ta.com/links/Surprise:7


  >> Ed and Dave uncut <<
  "Some bits of the conference speeches you may
  have missed," claims merkinhead. Amazing how
  unrealistic David Cameron looks; even when he's
  not computer-generated, to be honest.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ed_and_Dave_uncut


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: AMAZON TAT
  Crap products & stupid reviews la la la

  >> Dean Gaffney face-clock <<
  It's hard to decide which is better; this,
  frankly amazing, item itself or the stunningly
  creative reviews that it's spawned by its very
  existence.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRGUR6/b3ta-21


  >> 'Touched' by a paedophile <<
  Wildly appropriate autobiography of American
  football coach Jerry Sandusky, who later turned
  out to be the US equivalent of all this Jimmy
  Savile stuff. 
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582613575/b3ta-20


  >> Laxative choc <<
  Cautionary tale from the Amazon vaults. Just out
  of interest, why is so much laxative stuff
  chocolate? Surely that's the last thing you'd
  want to put in your mouth while thinking about
  faeces.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R1HWKTZCIT43DS/b3ta-21


  >> 'Party suicide' <<
  Recreate the Deer Hunter at your celebratory
  event, with this 'fun' twist on Russian
  Roulette. For added lols, put the gun in your
  mouth when you pull the trigger.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003ARQFZY/b3ta-20


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Best Thing You Made
 
  Last week we asked for the best thing you'd
  ever made. There's some great photos of things
  (sheds even) to look at here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt

  * SPEAKERS - "My first car was an XR2. Excited,
  I decided to improve the sound. Fortunately it
  already had a radio cassette player, but only
  two speakers in the rear parcel shelf. I bought
  2 very large speakers, marked and cut the holes
  in the door cards, and put them in. They were
  around knee level, and improved the sound
  immensely. The I tried to open the window,
  which went down about an inch and a half before
  hitting the speaker." (username failed moderation)
 
  * COKE - "At the age of 12, my brother suddenly
  became very secretive, often locking himself in
  his bedroom for hours at a time. Were I older,
  I'd probably have assumed he'd discovered wanking.
  Curiously, his desire for cans of coke increased
  greatly. Then, my best red nail varnish disappeared.
  It was all very strange. After 6 months, all was
  revealed when my brother unveiled the model of a
  Lamborghini Diabolo he'd built from metal snipped
  from coke cans and painted pillar-box red with my
  nail polish. It was beautiful, a true work of art,
  lovingly crafted by a young boy who should be
  rightly proud of his work. The twat binned it
  two days later because he was bored with it."
 (Smash Monkey)
 
  * PEAMATIC - "A school craze for pea-shooters
  (well, spit-ball shooters really) was in full
  swing. But point, shoot, repeat seemed a little
  pedestrian to me; clearly I needed More Power.
  So I built a machine-pea-shooter: a ten-shot
  repeater, something like a mini-gun, with ten
  barrels and a sliding mouthpiece. I could shoot
  one at a time, or unleash a deadly hail of
  spit-balls at my cowering victims. My playground
  triumph was short lived, as a) it took about
  five minutes to re-load, and b) I got beaten
  up for being a smart-arse." (moon monkey)


 >> This Week - TROUBLE <<
 Ever dropped somebody in the shit? Ever been the
 one in the shit? Whether by accident for through
 being a terrible snitchy grass, tell us all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Life hacks to make your life easier <<
  99 suggestions which fall somewhere been genius
  and OCD compulsively-hoarding hobo. Also please
  ignore the one that says filter your emails on
  the word "unsubscribe" as it'll break the B3ta
  newsletter and any other email lists you use.
  Hee hee. Email lists. We're so 90s.
http://bit.ly/PeX5l4


  >> Jesus. Seriously. Fuck off. <<
  Apparently Jesus is an annoying asshole who
  fucks people up. Can somebody make this into a
  movie please? Like Bad Santa? Bad Christ?
http://imgur.com/a/TnkRq?1


  >> You don't 'fucking love' science <<
  The best thing Maddox has posted in a good while
  - complaining about the people who profess to be
  nerds, just because they bought some glasses and
  clicked "I like science" on Friendsreunited. 
http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=youre_not_a_nerd


  >> Security reactions Tumblr <<
  Do you have to worry about computer security as
  part of your work? Do you like animated gifs? 
http://securityreactions.tumblr.com/


  >> Full-screen phishing attack <<
  A white-hatted proof-of-concept attack. Frankly,
  we're reaching a point where fuck knows what is
  real - but that might be to do with the large
  amounts of LSD we took before starting this
  sentence. Oooh look, our fingers are spongey and
  wow this keyboard lights up when you press the
  buttons... We feel like a tiny Michael Jackson
  in Billie Jean.
http://feross.org/html5-fullscreen-api-attack/


  >> Clothes on film (got your picture) <<
  Curious about the clothes actors wear in movies?
  Matt Round writes, "Found this site interesting
  even though I have no interest in fashion."
http://bit.ly/PeX6p9


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Filmed on your Windows Phone for megalolz

  >> Gabba Pingu Remix <<
  It is what it is. Thought-provoking that,
  thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we
  can now all be The Prodigy circa 1991. Catchy
  though. Very catchy. 
http://www.pown.it/3496


  >> Periods: the truth <<
  Some guy wrote on a tampon company's Facebook
  page that their adverts lie and that his
  girlfriend's menstrual cycle is not one big
  rollerskate and skydiving party. The company
  responds:
http://b3ta.com/links/Wooooooaaaahhhh_Bodyform


  >> Train simulator, bitch! <<
  Model railway swag overload. NSFW but #YOLO.
http://b3ta.com/links/Train_simulator_bitch


  >> Dog gets ready <<
  Sleepy dog sets up for a busy day of dogginess.
http://b3ta.com/links/Just_a_dog_getting_ready_for_his_day


  >> Schrodinger's Cat does not like boxes <<
  Cute animation takes a disturbingly abrupt
  left-turn into Akira-ville.
http://bit.ly/PeXcx5


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Please change the law and make assisted suicide
  legal as we can't take the pain any longer

  * CAT-SHIT OR COCK-SHIT? Pielands writes, "My
  cat took a dump on the floor (as opposed to in
  the box, as we had agreed). It had not been
  manipulated in any way. Is he trying to tell me
  something?" Yes, he's telling you he wants anal
  penetration from your cock. It's what all cats
  want.
http://imgur.com/3Oc8F


  * THE NAME 'GAYLORD' - STILL FUNNY? The preserve
  of playground humour since 1973, the name
  Gaylord is startling, as it suggests a heraldic,
  honours society based upon bot-bot fun.
http://www.dioceseofgaylord.org


  * YOUR NEW FAVOURITE CHEMICAL COMPOUND IS -
  '(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2' - Google it, then sing the
  Chicken Tonight jingle in your head.


  * BLOKE SHOULD GET A NEW JOB - he'd be much
  better as a professional pubic hair trimmer.
  There's probably a job title for that but we're
  busy people with no time for such frippery.
http://bit.ly/S1cYYL


  * OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COULD SHORTEN THEIR NAME
  TO DICK - Richard Fiddler shouldn't have.
http://bit.ly/PeXfsB


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: FRIDAY GAMES
  13k HTML5 games

  Challenge web designers to make canvas-based
  games in less than 13k of code (that's about
  enough space to store 2,500 words of the play
  Hamlet) and what do you get? Stuff that makes us
  think the world is full of very clever people.
http://js13kgames.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Torture Challenge

  Last week we wanted you devise fiendish
  torture devices

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHALK: Screeeeaaagh! The world's most
  unpleasant noise, again and again and again and
  again and again and again and again and...
  (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861191
 
  * KYLE: Leia Organa of Alderaan gets subjected
  to something far, far worse than water-boarding
  (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861898
  
  * TUB: spectacular fountain of effluence horror
  cartoon (HappyToast)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861502
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/torture/


  >> New challenge: Trees <<
  One word challenge: Trees  they're just sitting
  there, all made out of wood and looking
  sinister. Biding their time. Show us what
  they're planning.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trees/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE MANY LAYERS OF CYRIAK - "I was curious to
  see how many After Effects layers I used in a
  single scene of one of my videos," begins
  Cyriak. Good God. Here's an insight into just
  how involved those animations are:
http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/?page_id=333


  * HEARING-IMPAIRED MEMBER GETS ROBOT EARS -
  helmsdeep writes, "A while back you pimped my
  blog about seeing my baby son for the first
  time. Now, 9 months later I'm going back into
  hospital for a very different procedure - having
  a cochlear implant. It's still a relatively rare
  procedure but might be of interest, as
  technically it makes me a cyborg, and cyborgs
  are cool."
http://wlmager.com/what-does-a-cochlear-implant-sound-like/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAMPAIGN FOR STANDARDISED KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS -
  sites like twitter and gmail allow "power users"
  to navigate via keyboard - press ? to see list
  of commands - we need a campaign for univ
  keyb shortcuts across webs - hard to learn
  when they are all diff.

  * CAMERON SHOE-BOT - a twitter bot that, every
  time Cameron posts, asks him for a photo with a
  shoe on his head. Makes a change from all the
  abuse asking him to die anyway.

  * EBOOK READERS WITH E-INK COVERS - so that you
  could advertise what book you're reading. Might
  sound silly but book covers are (were?) a
  conversation starter. Might stop complaints
  that, "your nose is always in tech" - people
  might realise you're reading clever books rather
  than flicking distractedly at social media.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by *hiding* with David
 Stevenson. Stuff sent in by maf, gkaye, Paul
 Curry, Matt "WE LOVE YOU" Round, Isaac Mangang,
 robneymcplum, i.caple, c_kick, gronkpan, thebao,
 R. Jimlad, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
 slartifartfast, ethylmethanoate, kptkiwi. Image
 challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
 bloke. Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas.

 If music be the food of love do individual tunes
 correlate to specific sexy meals? Say Duran
 Duran's Rio is feeding your lover sauerkraut?

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  TOP TIP:
  If you find new music a bit annoying as it's
  made by people 20 years younger than you,
  explore the music that you avoided as being a
  bit naff when you were young and cool. Er... we
  now sort of like Sade now. Oh, and George
  Michael. Sorry.

  TOP TIP 2:
  When your toilet is blocked don't call a plumber
  - try a £2.50 plunger and a wire coat hanger.
  Obvious really, but saved us over £40 this
  morning - and we scored "brownie points" (ho ho)
  with our lovely partner.

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