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NEWSLETTER: "CONTAINS NO NEWS, IS NOT A LETTER. SINCE 2001."

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This Week:
* RUDE FIREWORKS - Relabel your display
* DR WHO CIGAR AD - the past is a different country
* HORROR DILDOS - for annual, seasonal masturbation

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're deleting the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   emails from Jimmy...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     together"

B3ta email 552  - 26 Oct 2012

Read this issue whilst holding a penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue552

   Kiss us :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Miss us : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------
  
: B3TA RECOMMENDS YOU READ
  Lost at Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries

  We celebrated the arrival of our Kindle
  Paperwhite (it has a much needed backlight)
  with a recommendation from @mushybees that we
  read Ronson's latest - a compendium of features
  written (mostly) for the Guardian over the
  years; meeting with psychics, neural linguistic
  programmers, that sort of thing. For us, the
  most intriguing bit was the detail about a
  marketing database called Mosaic that can drill
  down to your postcode and work out whether
  you're desperate enough to take out a load of
  dumb loans. Kept us busy and gave us plenty of
  things to look up on Wikipedia.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1447222571/b3ta-21

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Rude fireworks <<
  If you fancy being arrested this November the
  5th, simply print out this PDF, produced by
  Noely Noel, wrap it round some fireworks and
  offer to do a "display" for the local kids.
http://bit.ly/VMSDwC


  >> Celebrity portraits <<
  CCC has been drawing celebs. "So what?" you
  say? Aha, but the fun bit is that he's been
  tweeting them to the actual celebrities and
  they awkwardly play along that they are
  enjoying the attention.
http://mycelebrityportraits.blogspot.co.uk/


  >> Geo-locate your lost pet <<
  "The idea is dead simple," promises Paul
  Leader. "You sign up with your email address
  and your location, then if someone near you
  reports a lost cat you get an email with all
  the details and piccies so you can keep your
  eyes peeled." Obviously, the more people who
  register, the more useful it is. Like
  Neighbourhood Watch, or the Stasi for cats. Oh,
  and it's non-commercial. 
http://lostpetalerts.org


  >> A video about replying to emails <<
  Some grey bloke, Graham Murkett, gives his tips
  for reaching Inbox Zero, replying to every
  single email. Yes, even the spam.
http://bit.ly/Tkjb4R


  >> Prometheus Coca Cola product placement <<
  "I got the rough idea from another user on
  YouTube," confesses Black Moon. "But I thought
  I could do a better job of it." Ah, the great,
  transformative taste of Coca Cola. Pepsi only
  rots your teeth, gums, stomach-lining and will
  to live.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_Coca_Cola_advert


  >> Funny Room <<
  "Sorry it's been a while," apologises Ornsack.
  "Consider this an early Halloween treat.
  Enjoy!" Cripes. Those eyes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Funny_Room


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:  KICKSTART A B3TAN'S IAIN BANKS MOVIE

   Our favourite low-fi horror director, Rob Lees
   Jones AKA EmVee on the board, is making a film
   and he needs you to bung your cash in the
   Kickstarter pot to make it happen. He's
   managed to get Iain Banks to give it the nod
   so this should be really exciting. Give him a
   hand - go on.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piece


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Getting others in trouble
  
  Last week we asked you to confess the times
  you'd dumped others in the shit. You shits:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble/

  * WVM - "Leaving Bristol on the M32 some years
  ago, a prat in a white van came up behind me
  and flashed. I ignored him. He flashed again. I
  ignored him. He cut the gap to a couple of feet
  and flashed vigorously. I ignored him, and
  continued to pootle along at 50mph in the
  middle lane. At this point he decided to be a
  clever clogs and overtake me on the inside. If
  he had been a little less hasty and a little
  more observant, he might have noticed the road
  markings showing that it was about to diverge,
  which is why I was in the middle lane. If he'd
  been even more observant he might have noticed
  that the trailer I was towing had a glider in
  it, and was just over thirty feet long. Add the
  length of the VW Camper Van I was driving and
  he was now in a diverging lane next to a wall
  of metal. He tried to speed up, but there were
  others ahead of him and he couldn't get past.
  He tried to slow down and I, looking carefully
  straight ahead, slowed down to match him. White
  van next to me? Really? Can't say I noticed. I
  considered waving as he headed off down the
  slip road to gawd knows where, but thought he
  might get cross." (ubergeekian)
  
  * STUKA - "I spent most of my school career
  blending in with the crowd. Except once. Let me
  tell you about it. One lunch-break I came up with
  the idea of playing Stukas. The iconic WW2 dive
  bomber is famous for two things: the crooked
  wings and the bowel-loosening howl from the
  under-wing sirens during an attack dive. Across
  the playground, a small group of girls were
  minding their own business. Suddenly, a small boy
  sprinted past, arms outstretched - slightly bent
  - with an unearthly howl at the top of his lungs.
  EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIOOOOOWWWWW! Before they could
  react the next had started his attack run. And
  the next, and the next, each screaming as he went
  past. The last Stuka trotted off round the
  bike-sheds leaving slightly deafened girls having
  a hysterical sobbing fit. In class, our victims
  picked out their tormentors to join the
  shame-faced parade at the front of the room.
  'Was anybody else involved in this affair?'
  thundered the teacher, a man reputed to have put
  pupils in hospital. Despite a long look around,
  they utterly failed to notice the front row
  speccy kid, desperately trying to look innocent.
  My fellow Stukas were led away to punishment and
  humiliation, and I watched them, thinking 'Thank
  fuck for that.' The Highfields Stuka Squadron
  flew no more." (Big D)
  
  * SNEAK - "Dear Daily Mail Editor, everyone here
  told nasty jokes about are princess of harts and
  Maddy and Jade and they made me cry." 
  (Larry Death)


  >> This Week - DRESSING UP <<
  Tell us your tales of costumes, makeup and
  dressing up in silly stuff:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/


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: AMAZON TAT
  Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

  Recently we were disturbed to learn about the
  subcult of "Bronies" - grown men who profess
  ironic(?) affection for My Little Pony. We
  wonder if this is next for them? A touching
  collection of tales of women taking control of
  their lives and the horses they love.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0758202547/b3ta-21


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Horror Dildos <<
  Presumably a series of sex-toys designed by men
  with very inadequate sex lives and who thrill
  at the idea of women looking frightened at a
  dildo. Pretty sure women would design them to
  look like something nice - like a squirrel, or
  maybe something useful - like a plumber.
http://www.fleshjack-international.eu/freaks/


  >> Singing whale gets a backing track <<
  All over the 'tubes this week is the singing
  whale that sounds suspiciously human, causing
  people to wonder if they have other human
  traits too? Like intelligence, compassion and
  smelly armpits? Now with a backing track by
  Beardyman's brother, Jay Foreman, the end
  result is something like The Muppets Theme sung
  by Julian Cope.
http://soundcloud.com/jayforeman/singing-whale


  >> Kunt pretends to be Barry Bulsara <<
  Kunt (out of Kunt & the Gang) used to have a
  Myspace page where he pretended to be Barry
  Bulsara - the bloke who got done for murdering
  Jill Dando (but didn't actually do it). Makes
  us almost nostalgic for a time when stunts like
  this were seen as the jokes that they are
  rather than an excuse to lock people up as
  "trolls".
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk/barrygeorge.html


  >> John Taylor interview <<
  Admittedly we're linking this because we're old
  Duran Duran fans, but we found this interview
  with John Taylor by Curt Smith from Tears for
  Fears surprisingly great. It works largely
  because there's a shared empathy and similar
  history between the two parties and it made us
  think that's what's wrong with most interviews
  - the person asking the questions doesn't give
  a fuck. A better media landscape would present
  "conversations" and team up two people with
  some sympathy for each other. 
http://bit.ly/WvAz7N


  >> Cold-call transcripts <<
  Our method of dealing with cold-calls is: A.
  not answer the phone to anything that's
  "international dialling" and B. "Sorry" and put
  the phone down. But hey, we know nothing about
  comedy and we're missing a trick.
http://www.callhating.com/


  >> Infomercial animated gifs <<
  Those people in infomercials who are so
  incapable of carrying out everyday tasks that
  they need to buy some plastic shit to do things
  like cooking eggs. Fuck 'em and their law.
http://bit.ly/Uv4VDD


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Think the Sega Game Gear TV Tuner 2.0

  * UNLIKELY, UNAIRED DOCTOR WHO CIGAR AD - we're
  not suggesting the ad is not funny - it is -
  but whoever signed off on associating popular
  kids' TV characters with tobacco was surely not
  someone who wanted to keep their job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWqoB6Ujj80 

  
  * REFORM SECTION 5 - Rowan Atkinson campaigning
  - we believe rightly - that Section 5 of the
  Public Order Act should be repealed for its
  chilling effect on free speech. 
http://bit.ly/SmMiUh


  * THE EXORCIST AS 80S SITCOM - you know the
  drill with this formula - film cut / genre swap
  - but still, amusingly done.
http://bit.ly/QIdLyv 


  * SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT (ORCHESTRAL
  ARRANGEMENT) - simply take the vocal track
  (probably from the stems on those Guitar Hero
  style games), add orchestra and you have your
  very own new genre. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1_ecWzOxbI


  * FRIGHTENING HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN - don't show
  this to any children, you vile b3tans.
http://bit.ly/Y1QvhK


  * CAT JUMP COMPENDIUM - joyous collection of
  feline fail set to an instrumental version of
  our song 'Kill the Pop-Ups'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CaC:5


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: SELF UNHELP
  Repeat these affirmations twice a day, naked in
  front of the mirror whilst sobbing.

  * The most likely result of my dreams is that
    they'll remain dreams
    
  * Death isn't the worst thing to happen  to me -
    but my inevitable painful, drawn-out,
    excruciating death
  
  * If I lose weight it'll be temporary
  
  * Yes I do have a book in me but it's not one
    that people would want to buy
    
  * Nothing in my life can be improved and this
    is as good as it gets


  Cheers, thanks B3ta!


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Trees Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards.
  Your favourites included:
 
  * TREE PUN 1 - Good to see Sunshine Elephant
  post on our challenge, a happy name from the
  past.
http://b3ta.com/board/10868611

  * TREES PUN 2 - The Shamen themselves were no
  strangers to puns, when asked to tone down
  Ebeneezer Good for Top of the Pops they added
  the line "got any underlay" for a "gratuitous
  rugs reference". (Van Da Graph)
http://b3ta.com/board/10869342  

  * TREE PUN 3 - Duracell inadvertently defined
  the language for the bullying of gingers in the
  80s, with their slogan "copper-coloured top" -
  kids that possibly killed themselves on trees
  like these. (Doctor When)
http://b3ta.com/board/10867123
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/trees/


  >> New challenge: Unlikely Brand Crossovers <<
  Wilkinson Sword Crisps? Harpic Liqueur? Cadbury
  Fish Fingers? Fuck knows, you do better, and
  you shall.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
  Follow ups on previous thingymabobs 

  * HALLOWEEN DATING FOR UGGOES - "I'm trying to
  turn October 31st in to a second Valentine's
  Day, for all the weird, misshapen kids," charms
  Chris. "With a couple of other b3ta folk's help
  I've thrown together a new website, but it's
  also an excuse to watch lots of Horror films
  eat odd sweets and try on weird outfits." 
http://www.bemyhalloween.com


  * BEN WHEATLEY NEW MOVIE 'SIGHTSEERS' OUT SOON -
  we were delighted to attend the premier last
  weekend and a fine film it is too. Starring
  Alice Lowe, who very observant B3tans will
  recognise from a very odd electro-gold video we
  featured many moons ago.
http://blog.sightseersmovie.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Our starters for 10:

  * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - drain off a pint or so
  blood and get cooking.

  * WHAT SHOULD MICROSOFT DO NEXT? They clearly
  haven't made an OS that people basically liked
  since XP in 2001 and Windows 8 / Surface is a
  dog. 
  
  * 4D PRINTER - we're bored of simply being able
  to print in three-dimensional space - we want to
  print in time. Printer! Print me a sofa and
  install it last week!

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Cuddles:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Puddles:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by *redacted* with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Eraserhead,
  pissflaps, DeSade, Joe Scarymanga, HappyToast,
  @SimonNRicketts, JamTallons
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips? @mikenco.

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  More toilet-unblocking advice. Put the end of a
  mop in a black bin-liner and plunge away with
  that. Done in seconds.
  
  Alternatively, reverse the polarity of your
  shitting-valve and simply suck the blockage
  back up into your welcoming anus.

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