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NEWSLETTER: "I'M A CHILD, GET THIS CELEBRITY OUT OF ME!"

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* PANTS - for dogs
* CGI DIRE STRAITS GUY - what he did next
* GOATSE - send us a press release

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    

B3ta email 555  - 16 Nov 2012

Read this issue smeared in jam and petrol:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue555 

   Embrace :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Starsailor : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK - OK SOME AMAZON TAT
  Pants for dogs

  Myjm writes, "I came across this bonkers product
  in Amazon's current deals. The product itself is
  rather curious but it's the (currently) sole
  review that puts a different complexion on
  things!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0041O5F88/b3ta-21

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Buy some ads you tight bastards so we don't have
  to run Amazon tat in the prime slot. Thanks.
  http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Remade John Lewis Christmas ad <<
  The new Christmas ads are out and, no matter how
  lovely and heart-warming they are, you're going
  to be so sick of 'em by mid-December. HappyToast
  gets in there first:
http://bit.ly/UIQOjq


  >> Catching up with the CGI guy from Dire Straits <<
  You know the bloke, appeared in a rock video in
  the mid-80s - whatever happened to him? "I wrote
  this," confides somegreybloke, "and Faceburger
  did all the hard work." A worthy collaboration.
http://bit.ly/SRqrSN


  >> Algo-politicians <<
  "I've made some algo-politicians, they're almost
  as hateful as the real thing," explains
  shardcore, whose automatically-generated windbag
  politicians evoke a dread future time, when our
  caring public servants are replaced with
  heartless, unfeeling automatons.
http://shardcore.org/polibots/


  >> Infiltrator - A flash game <<
  "This is a little one level game I made
  recently. Infiltrate the enemy base and steal
  back the briefcase!" cries yanmania. "Featuring
  stealth, cover based combat, stunning graphics,
  realistic sound effects and more (*not much
  more)." This makes us want to check out flixel -
  the game engine used to produce this. Yan? Make
  us a tutorial?
http://www.yanmania.com/games/infiltrator/

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Keeping us suicidal since 1979

  * NOMINATIVE DETERMINISM TO THE MAX - what does
  a chap called Jim Hall do with his life? He
  becomes a P.E Teacher.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1408109964/b3ta-21


  * PHALLIC LOGO / FUNNY NAME SUPERCOMBO - CaLFiN
  writes, "I've never seen anything quite as
  obvious as this before! It has everything apart
  from being magenta... Plus it's called Fap Co?!"
http://www.fapco.ae/


  * FLYING THE FLAG FOR ANAL ABUSE - perranspear
  writes, "The flag for Torres Strait Islands
  looks like Goatse. Maybe."
http://www.google.com/search?q=torres+strait+flag&tbm=isch


  * ONLY IN AUSTRALIA - rob_399 writes, "There is
  also this car dealer in Brisbane Australia that
  might interest you."
http://www.mikehunt.com.au/


  * COCK-FLAVOURED SEASONING - TriedItOnce writes,
  "This doesn't really suit any of the boards, but
  totally fits in the useless and funny stuff for
  sale on Amazon you sometimes put in the
  newsletter. Don't know what the wife was
  actually searching for, I thought it probably
  best if I didn't ask." Best review? "I bought
  this last week and was expecting it to taste
  like a penis but it tasted like a farmyard bird.
  Poor show, Dunn's River."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00A2JH8YK/b3ta-21
  
  
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Destruction, Demolition & Deconstruction
  
  We wanted your stories of taking down, prying
  apart and thumping things with lump hammers. Not
  all go well:
http://b3ta.com/questions/deconstruction/
  
  * TV - "We're rockstars right? And we find
  ourselves, a bit drunk, with an old TV. We gotta
  smash this thing up right? "We totally have to
  throw it out a window!" When I say old TV, it
  was a large, early widescreen that weighed a ton.
  We drag it up the stairs, open the window, and
  quickly realise it won't fit through. "Fuck.
  Alright, well, we must have a hammer somewhere."
  A lump hammer. Perfect. Step one, smash the
  screen. Pow. Bang. Pop. Perfect. Step two,
  DECIMATE. Hammer raised high, Dan brings the
  weighty head down in a strong arc and connects
  with well moulded Japanese plastic. Pang,
  thud... and then the world seems to stop: he's
  let go of the hammer, it spins effortlessly in
  the air straight towards me, and cracks me right
  between the eyes. Making a fucking great mess of
  my nose, and a tiny dent in the TV. Rock and
  roll 0, TV 1." (Windy Pig)

  * CLICHÉ - "I was sorting the attic out and
  carrying a large box of books from one pile to
  another. So large a box that I couldn't see my
  feet and, inevitably, missed the flooring,
  plunging one foot down between the joists. Large
  chunks of plaster, plus the collected dust and
  debris of about 80 years, showered down into the
  room below, closely followed by the random
  contents of the boxes and jars I'd knocked over
  and a stream of swearing. Naturally, because the
  universe has a sense of humour, my wife's
  mother, an elderly lady with a heart condition,
  happened to be directly underneath at the time."
  (moon monkey)
  
  * PIANO - "My old school had a piano they wanted
  rid of but they were too tight to pay for
  someone to take it away. One afternoon they
  rounded up some of the bigger students and
  herded them into the room with the piano. 'Now
  then lads, for legal reasons we can't actually
  ask you to destroy this piano. Back in five
  minutes.' ... Matchwood." (MatJ)


  >> This Week - Ignored Advice <<
  Tell us of the sage advice you've received over
  the years and the horrible consequences of
  blithely ignoring it, 'cos you know better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoredadvice/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Windows 95 Dark Side Tips <<
  Revealed: the secret tips & tricks to get the
  most eldritch power from this unfathomably
  ancient Operating System.
http://windows95tips.tumblr.com/


  >> Ha Ha, Invisible man blow-jobs <<
  Oh, stock photography, once again you come
  through with the lols. SFW.
http://www.google.com/search?q=woman+coughing&tbm=isch


  >> World's Best Dad <<
  This guy must surely be the world's best father
  - not only does he have the pictures, but also
  the mug to prove it.
http://bit.ly/UIRoxw


  >> 3-D Photo Booth <<
  Japanese pop-up booth produces tiny, detailed
  figurines via 3D printer. Idea for your 3D
  passport.
http://bit.ly/UIRsxo


  >> Live feed of Mitt Romney's likes <<
  Fans of schadenfreude, check out the slow bleed
  out of Mitt Romney's facebook likes. Which is a
  bit of a strange phenomenon in itself - how many
  people actually go to the trouble of unliking
  something irrelevant?
http://disappearingromney.com/


  >> The Infinite Jukebox <<
  Lets you enjoy your favorite song for hours! Or
  drive your neighbors and your cat crazy with
  sixteen hours of mathematic pathways through
  "Call Me Maybe". Clever use of echonest - the
  programming language for music.
http://labs.echonest.com/Uploader/index.html?


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a 3hr VHS tape and postbox combined

  >> 3D printing / real world objects <<
  Fantastic special effects with everyday stuff,
  by scanning its shape and making sculptural
  objects that mould around but look freaking cool.
http://bit.ly/UIRyVH


  >> Frankie Boyle attacks children <<
  Controversial funnyman Boyle rips the absolute
  piss out of two teenage boys, brought to his
  show by their mum and dad. Made us squirm in our
  seat.
http://bit.ly/SRr5Qh


  >> James Bond crocodile jump <<
  Amazing stunt footage of every single attempt at
  the scene from Live & Let Die, where James Bond
  crosses a lake, using crocodiles as stepping
  stones. Particularly odd, considering how
  unimpressive it looked in the actual film. 
http://boingboing.net/2012/11/09/james-bond-every-attempted-cr.html


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: PRESS RELEASE FROM GOATSE!
  We're running this because fucking hell, a press
  release from Goatse!

  Goatse.cx writes, "Hi B3ta, Just letting you
  know that Gawker has an article about a new
  email service that is launching on the
  internet's most notorious domain: goatse.cx.
  Contact me if you want more details, or would
  like to try it out or would like to do a story!
  regards, Goatse.cx"
http://gaw.kr/UIRTaS


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: BONUS DEDICATION
  Hans R. Camenzind for issue 555

  Amish Information Systems writes, "Hi, Since
  it's newsletter 555, how about dedicating it to
  Hans R. Camenzind, who died recently. It would
  make us electronics geeks very happy."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_R._Camenzind

  BTW: We tried to follow why Hans is associated
  with 555 - and it's to do with a chip called the
  "555 timer IC" - about 1 billion of them are
  used per year but our favourite reference was
  this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atari_Punk_Console


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Science Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to fix things 
  with science.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CRUNCHY: unusual chemical approach to the
  crisp-packet conundrum (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10877986

  * NEWTON: a pivotal moment in the history of
  physics, now with added Bisto (greg_evian) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10878024

  * TRIBUTE: a scientific tribute to science, with
  a twist (cutofyourjib)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10878150 
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/science/


  >> New challenge: Extreme Drug Taking <<
  This week's task is to design extreme ways to
  ingest drugs. Lets see some shotgun
  paracetamolling, crystal meth paragliding and
  cocaine bungee. Challenge suggested by
  HappyToast, not sponsored by Red Bull.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme-drugs/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE NAKED SCIENTISTS ARE BEING AXED BY BBC -
  TheAlmightyBeev writes, "Apparently we're 'too
  specialist' and 'not local enough'. We're not
  happy about the decision, to put things mildly.
  The BBC local radio audience are not served by
  any high-quality science reporting outside our
  show, and from January they will have none at
  all. Here's a link to a quick and dirty post
  explaining the story so far."
http://bit.ly/SRrnX8


  * HEARING-IMPAIRED CHAP OPERATION FOLLOW UP -
  "So I've had my operation", writes helmsdeep,
  "I'm now a cyborg. It went well, but I feel a
  little bit different now. I tried to get some
  thoughts down as soon as possible afterwards
  while it was all still fresh in my mind. I've
  got a long and uncertain wait until switch on
  now." Good luck chap!
http://wlmager.com/billy-2-0-failing-ugly/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A ROLLBACK OF THE INTERNET TO 2001 - where
  people weren't arrested for making jokes.
  
  * WASHING MACHINE THAT HANGS OUT THE WASHING -
  c'mon boffins, solve this and you'll be rich
  beyond the dreams of Tory party donors. 
  
  * SOCKS THAT NEVER WEAR OUT - maybe they need to
  be made of diamonds.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
  zacherynuk, Santtu Toivonen, tichy,
  robneymcplum, Dawn Of The Bread, UltimateMonkey,
  Bobod, mikehurl & tubaman. Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Ad7.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Just worked out that, if you oven-cook sausages
  on a layer of raw onion, sausages don't stick
  to dish and you get tasty, cooked onions too.

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