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NEWSLETTER: "JUST ONE MORE WEEK OF LOOKINGLIKEANONCEMBER TO GO"

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This Week:
* SHOPPING - Spendybot
* LIAR LIAR - Danny Dyer
* JAZZ - Miles Davis vs LCD Soundsystem

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're raving the web     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     with Altern 8"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 556  - 23 Nov 2012

Read this issue whilst your body ages: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue556 

   Kiss you :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Miss you : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  B3tan Stand-up comic gets on telly, comes over
  all generous!

  Stand-up comedian and long-time b3tan Andrew
  O'Neill is celebrating getting on telly (Never
  Mind The Buzzcocks) by giving away his entire
  last show for FREE, in the hope that you go and
  see him doing his new show on tour next year.
  That seems like a reasonable trade, no?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN3x-AShkP4


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Laserpointer <<
  "I've not been around for a while," observes
  Black Moon. "I've been busy buying stuff online
  and getting into trouble with it." Nice eBay
  gag.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Laserpointer


  >> Conan mashup <<
  "Here's a retrospective piece I cut together
  for Conan season 2," writes Smearballs,
  incidentally letting us know that he has a gig
  with Conan O'Brien - nice work, fella. "It was
  a pretty huge challenge taking 160 episodes and
  cutting down to 3 minutes."
http://bit.ly/TTg4N2


  >> Bizarre music merch <<
  "I recently wrote this article that I thought
  you might like," chirps beetlejuice. "It
  features everything from the mundanity of
  Monopoly to promotional sex toys, with a stop
  off at inappropriate shower curtains along the
  way..." Extraordinary what fans will buy. Or,
  we suppose, what bands think fans will buy.
http://bit.ly/T7YyWx


  >> Room 237 <<
  "I did this this video that is a little bit The
  Shining," boasts Faceburger, "and more..."
  Well. We didn't see *that* coming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygbq2m-6tTE


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: SPONSORED LINKY NUMBER TWO
  A Fucktard's Guide To Life For Less Than 2 Quid

  How To Get A Grip: the sweariest self-help book
  ever written. Amazon reviewer Ricky says it's
  "the most direct and simple book on getting
  yourself sorted out that you will ever read."
  Good guy, Ricky. Get it here: 
http://mjk.im/TiaKqm 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Ignored Advice
  
  Last week we asked what advice you'd ignored to
  your immediate regret. Don't buy a wooden boat,
  apparently:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoredadvice/

  * WINK - "On the eve of my first date, at the
  tender age of 14, my Father gave me a single
  line of advice, 'Always pull her chair out for
  her,' he said with a lascivious wink. My mind
  swimming with heady dreams of sticking my tongue
  down her throat, I set off to her house, to pick
  up my poor teenage victim. We went to the bus
  stop, we took a bus ride together, we alighted
  in town, both stiff with nervous excitement and
  anticipation. We went to a cinema. Then a
  McDonalds. Then the bus home. Every. Single.
  Seat we sat on was bonded to the floor. I didn't
  get my tongue down her throat, or my hand up her
  top. Thanks for nothing, Dad." (Grrrmachine)
  
  * WOBBLE - "'You're too old and fat to go
  roller- blading with your kids.' On the plus
  side, the doctors and nurses in A&E were all
  brilliant. Even the one who had to confront my
  arse, when X-raying my fractured pelvis." (moon
  monkey)
  
  * WASP - "'Stay away from that corner in the
  field,' said one of my parents, 'There's a big
  wasp nest in one of the holes.' Within my
  imbecilic, nine-year-old head, this translated
  into, 'Go and twat the wasp nest with the
  swingball.' I guess I was curious as to what the
  wasps would do. I soon found out. One mini swarm
  and a lot of pain later, I developed a phobia of
  loud buzzing that I still have today." (MaxZero) 


  >> This Week - INTERNET CRAZIES <<
  The internet is full of mental. Been threatened
  with violence? Had it spill over into real life?
  Or have you only met nice, sane people that have
  enriched your life? Tell us your story here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetcrazies/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Balancing stuff on the GF's head <<
  While his other half slumbers unaware, this chap
  gets his jollies by balancing quite impressive
  amounts of stuff on top of her sleeping head.
  Can you imagine? Can you beat him?
http://imgur.com/a/ScWQP


  >> Spendy-bot <<
  Bloke has made a bot that buys random stuff off
  amazon for him. Like Christmas presents from a
  vague and misguided auntie.
http://randomshopper.tumblr.com/


  >> Cool furniture business card <<
  Forget all that American Psycho bullshit - what
  you need is a business card that unfolds into
  something related to your business. And then you
  need to work in the porn industry.
http://bit.ly/SeUTJm


  >> Slayer Christmas jumper <<
  Cue some sort of "Slayer bells jingle" pun. It's
  oddly-appropriate merchandise, though, as the
  patterns represent a similarly uncompromising
  assault on the senses as the band's musical
  oeuvre (French translation: musical egg).
http://bit.ly/QsyDx6


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like watching iPhone footage on a PC

  >> Miles Davis vs LCD Soundsystem <<
  Popping up everywhere this week, but sublime
  nonetheless, two YouTube videos played side by
  side. Miles Davis improvises alongside LCD
  Soundsystem's 'New York I Love You.' Who would
  have thought two great things would sound good
  together, eh?
http://youtu.be/huEtJw7pfLk


  >> Liar Liar Danny Dyer <<
  Latest from the Rubberbandits, as the shopping
  bag-masked troubadours tackle the famed
  fabulist. Honestly, those masks are freaky
  though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Liar_Liar_Danny_Dyer


  >> Stranglers singer's Golden Brown with Mariachi band <<
  Just what we wrote in the headline - but an
  actually nice thing to listen to, rather than
  some crappy, novelty cash-in. Still can't hear
  the song without our brain going "Gordon Brown"
  mind you.
http://bit.ly/Qzq6IU


  >> Inner-City Wizard School <<
  Gritty look behind the scenes at Vincent
  Clortho Public School for Wizards. What you see
  may shock you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Inner_City_Wizard_School


  >> Stanley Steemer variations <<
  We think this young lady is trying to sell us
  something, but with the clash of a dozen
  musical styles and outfits, it's so hard to
  keep track.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stanley_Steemer_variations


  >> Bloody Hell, Jerry Sadowitz on Youtube <<
  After years of banning everything, the
  vitriolic Scottish wizard has finally opened
  his own account. Largely, we think, to point
  out that he was correct about Jimmy Savile 25
  years ago - and he was!
http://bit.ly/Tg64z2


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny like cancer is funny when it's you
    with cancer

  Imagine a German festival of penis. You would
  like that, ja?
http://www.kochfest-kiel.de/


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: FRIDAY GAMED
  Fucking Old Spice do something funny

  And we link to it through gritted teeth - you
  don't need this stinky shit over your body, but
  their ad people are on the ball.
http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/


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: AMAZON TAT
  Giant Swiss Army knife

  Best reviews?

  ***** 5 STARS - On the whole, this is an
  excellent tool and has helped on many routine
  tasks around the house, including eavesdropping
  on GCHQ, performing a minor appendectomy on the
  dog, and serving as a temporary RSJ when a
  simple DIY project to remove what I thought was
  a non-structural wall went awry.

  * 1 STAR - This knife lacked a trepanation drill
  for the relieving of pressure on the brain and
  the treatment of intracranial diseases. Very
  disappointed.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000R0JDSI/b3ta-21


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extreme Drugs Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to mix drug taking with
  extreme sports.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHARLIE: vintage bike race cocaine fiesta
  excitement (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880135
 
  * PSYCHOSIS: a terrifying report from deep in
  the K-hole (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880751

  * ARNIE: Schwarzenegger creates effective
  anti-drugs campaign by taking drugs (Wet-chinned
  bag shanker)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880725
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme-drugs/


  >> New challenge: Cyber Toothed Tigers <<
  This week's challenge is to upgrade animals with
  technology, making them faster, stronger, more
  dangerous and more amazing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cyber-toothed-tigers/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
 
  * SPECIAL BOARD DAY FOR OLD SCHOOL B3TANS -
  barryheadwound writes, "I'm  trying to get a bit
  of a board event going next Wednesday the 28th,
  getting folk to contact any b3tans from
  yesteryear, who for whatever reason are not
  frequenting the main board these days, and ask
  them to step back in for one day only, post some
  nonsense, have a laugh, and say hi.

  "We're calling it 'the Day of the Ghosts'.
  Ghosts, you see, as in spirits of the past.
  There's probably a few lapsed b3tans that still
  get the newsletter, so if you could manage a
  mention then that would be great."
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/24608


  * SPANNERED IS AN IDEAL XMAS GIFT - "Any chance
  you could punt our book about being a fucked-up
  90s raver?" asks Frank. "Set in the UK
  squat/free-party scene, it's called
  'Spannered', has twelve wicked full-page
  illustrations, and is a funny, raw, and
  emotional novel about being part of a big party
  crew." Written by a b3tan, illustrated by a
  b3tan, bought by... you?
http://amzn.to/Qzq9Er


  * KLF RADIO - "My friend JMR Higgs has written
  a book, called KLF: Chaos Magic Music Money,
  concerning the influence of Robert Anton Wilson
  on the British rave band The KLF," informs
  shardcore. "To promote it, I built an
  algorithmic radio station."
http://radioeris.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * REALISTIC AMAZON HACKS - need the Amazon "buy
    now" button replaced with one that says, "buy
    next week when you've finished reading your
    current book"
  
  * TEA THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU NEED TO WEE - maybe
    chewable teabags?
  
  * AN IDEAS GENERATOR FOR THIS BIT OF THE
    NEWSLETTER, WHICH IS TRICKY TO WRITE. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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      Hugs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Shrugs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by peblack, Jimbotfu,
  Wayland_Smithy, custard, Amadeus, Taramasalata,
  sinisterduck, Dawn Of The Bread, i.charlius,
  Jimmers, @jingies, @HurricaneMedia.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. 
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas.

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  TOP TIP:
  Cancel your phone and TV package with your 
  broadband supplier. They will call you a few
  days later with a better deal (The Scrunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ 

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