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NEWSLETTER: SELF-REGULATING SINCE 2001 AND WE HAVE TISSUES TO PROVE IT

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This Week:
* LOCKERS - London-wide advent calendar
* PLANNING - Spoof signs
* TINY - Meal made from powders

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "11yrs of procrastination     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    distilled into one
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     handy newsletter"

B3ta email 557  - 30 Nov 2012

Go on an HTML adventure into cyberland:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue557 

   ACK :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   NAK : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: BUY SOME GREAT CHARGRILLED T SHIRTS
  Buy 3 get 1 free deal (Sponsored links)

  Stuck for present ideas this year? Your dad will
  love a "I'm a grumpy old git" T Shirt. Your mum?
  She'd die for "10 Reasons Why Men Are Lazy" T Shirt.
  Go on - cause offense this Christmas
  Buy everyone CharGrilled T shirts.
  ALSO QUOTE B3TA10 for extra 10% off.
http://www.chargrilled.co.uk/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Buy our very reasonably priced
  ads.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Advent calendar, Britishness and video games

  >> Amazon Locker Advent calendar <<
  "I'm doing a thing with Amazon Lockers, although
  it might be a bit London-centric," confesses Tom
  Scott. "Every day December 1st–24th, we'll
  announce a code to get into an Amazon Locker in
  London. First one there wins whatever's inside.
  It might be something simple like a Christmas
  decoration, a trinket, or some chocolate. But
  sometimes, it'll be something big: a toy, good
  books... or maybe even an iPod."
http://adventlocker.com 


  >> Professor Elemental - I'm British <<
  "Hello there you lovely folks," chuffs Moog.
  "I've done another video for Professor
  Elemental. Perhaps you might like this new one
  for the song, I'm British. Chin chin!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Professor_Elemental_Im_British


  >> Wasted My Time Playing Video Games <<
  "This video is from a few years ago," confesses
  superpowerless. "But now it's in HD and
  Widescreen with a new mix of the song."
  Relentlessly inventive vid is definitely worth a
  watch.
http://bit.ly/UfA7rn


--------------------------------------------  
  
: THINK YOU KNOW GRAN TURISMO? THINK AGAIN
  Download the book (sponsored link)

  GTPEDIA is the ultimate, unauthorized
  encyclopedia of every game in the GRAN TURISMO
  series. 

  With over 375 pages of extensive car lists,
  track lists, and highly detailed event
  overviews, it is the single most comprehensive
  and thorough GT resource ever compiled.


  Packed with trivia, GTPEDIA will fascinate and
  entertain even the most dedicated fans of the
  series. If you think you know Gran Turismo,
  think again!
http://www.gtplanet.net/gtpedia/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Internet Crazies
 
  We wanted to know all about the crazy people
  you've met through the internet. Go read the
  poem sent to grandmasterfluffles by Archie "Mr
  Poet" Moses:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetcrazies/

  * SHOWER - "Advertising for a housemate on
  Gumtree resulted in one bloke who came around,
  looked about the flat a bit and then asked if he
  could try the shower. I thought, "fair enough,
  it's an important part of your morning routine."
  I stood by while he spent a full five minutes by
  the bath, shower head in hand, messing with the
  temperature, trying the different settings, etc.
  with a look of real concentration on his face.
  He emailed back the next day and said he might
  be interested, but he wasn't sure. Could he come
  back and have another look at the shower?"
  (SnowyTheRabbit)
 
  * PUMP - "After weaning her daughter, my
  flat-mate decided to get rid of her electric
  breast pump, so she put it up on Freecycle. She
  was contacted by a man who asked many sensible,
  intelligent questions about the machine - it was
  clearly something he knew a lot about. Having
  satisfied himself that it was the type he
  wanted, he said he'd like to have it. "Will it
  be yourself or your partner that will be
  collecting it?" asked my flatmate. "Oh, it's not
  for a partner, it's for me," he replied." (moon
  monkey)
 
  * COCK - "My studies of chatroulette have led me
  to conclude that the average man on the street,
  given anonymity, would by choice either flash
  his cock or idly masturbate when meeting you for
  the first time." (cumquat may)


  >> This Week - NO SELF AWARENESS <<
  This week we want your stories of people
  blissfully unaware of their bad smells, bad
  manners and foghorn voices. Tell all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/noselfawareness/


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Because Amazon knows trolling sells product

  * PRODUCT ERRORS - Dear Amazon, a small
  complaint. This is not a "luxurious christmas
  pudding" but a photo of Ainsley Harriott on a
  mug. Actually is there something vaguely racist
  about calling Harriot a "luxurious christmas
  pudding"? Perhaps how he'd be described on an
  escort website.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B009633Q4O/b3ta-21 


  * VIBRATOR AND DOG BASKET GIFT SET -
  Inexplicably linked. Best review? "The vibrator
  is great for keeping the wife out of my hair,
  but she really resents having to sleep in a dog
  bed."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007QGDKBW/b3ta-20 


  * METHS - street drinkers still drink meths?
  Seems a bit 70s to us, but the reviews are fun:
  "From the moment you remove the cap you realise
  you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky,
  with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose.
  Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no
  little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and
  satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with
  friends in a park. Highly recommended."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002ATI4VG/b3ta-21 


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Fake planning notices <<
  English humour at its finest, some Brightonian
  is writing, printing and putting up these spoof
  planning application notices.
http://bit.ly/SyA2iG

  
  >> Convince yourself you're half-blind colour-wise <<
  Colour-vision test that has you arrange squares
  in order of hue. Harder than it might first
  appear - you might be surprised at what you're
  missing. (Cue 1,000 emails from nerds bragging
  of a perfect score).
http://www.xrite.com/custom_page.aspx?pageid=77&lang=en


  >> Funny crafting fails <<
  Home hobbyists try to recreate lovely craft
  stuff they've seen online. We should point out
  that loads of these pics are from craftfail.com
  but boredpanda has chucked a lot of them onto a
  more easily-linkable page.
http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-pinterest-fails/

  
  >> Bad kids' jokes <<
  Bloke who edits a site for kid-submitted jokes,
  also blogs the ones that were slightly too
  offensive for the main site. Surreal, schoolyard
  naughtiness.
http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/


  >> Dan! Dan! Dan! <<
  Alan Partridge on a loop. Cringe. 
http://dandandan.net/ 


  >> Semi-Automatic Gmail Assistant <<
  A safekey-restricted Gmail responder that sends
  "Go F*** Yourself!" messages as a response to
  unwanted emails. Although there is a 1% chance
  that SAGA will instead respond "That's a Great
  idea, I'll get right on it!"
http://etsy.me/10aRu0m


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Apocalypse calendar, Magic, Gameshow & Monkeys

  >> Clockalypse <<
  As you may be aware, if everything works
  according to schedule, the world will be ending
  on December 21st. "It seemed pointless sending
  out Christmas cards this year," points out Dave
  Birss. "So instead we created the Clockalypse -
  a countdown clock that gives people suggestions
  to make the most of their remaining breaths. If
  the Mayans were wrong, Happy Christmas to you.
  If not, enjoy the short time you've got left."
http://clockalypse.com/


  >> Mr. Magic's flying secrets <<
  Mr. Magic blows the lid off the world of
  big-time illusionists, then saws it in half,
  then pulls an egg from its ear. Weareace shows
  you how to achieve mind-bending special effects.
http://b3ta.com/links/896241


  >> Cheeky Flippin Nice gameshow <<
  "We grabbed two people from Kentish Town high
  street and took them down to a basement," grunts
  Pig Face Turnip. "Here's what happened."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheeky_Flippin_Nice_Gameshow


  >> Very short monkey documentary <<
  Not a film about short monkeys, but genuine
  slice of fact-based interest about 19th Century
  Russian scientists and cross-breeding with
  chimps. "It's a video about monkeys," clarifies
  BobbyDaveHead. "Monkeys are awesome." 
http://b3ta.com/links/889999


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Flickbooks now have sound!

  >> Extremely tiny meal <<
  Almost like an unboxing video, here's a
  demonstration of how to combine various powder
  sachets and water into an extraordinary, edible
  miniature of actual food.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8gJOCwBuFc


  >> Hot Chip FIFA video <<
  "B3ta, did you see my new vid?" asks King of
  Twitter Peter Serafinowicz, who has directed
  another peculiar video for Hot Chip. Highly odd.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf3bmQh8_dM


  >> Africans donating radiators to Norway. <<
  Charity song to encourage Africans to raise a
  little heat for the less fortunate in Norway.
  Obviously, it's more making a point about how
  Africa is frequently depicted in charity appeals
  and the media.
http://www.africafornorway.no/


  >> Mom is a maniac on the drums <<
  Woman baffles internet by overcoming the twin
  handicaps of being both female and middle-aged
  to play a musical instrument rather well. It is
  funny, though, to see someone in a pink polo
  shirt get quite so into Wipe Out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWSJR2pL46M


  >> Best bits of cuntish editor <<
  Supercut of horrific, yet marginally believable,
  Hoxton new media twat Jonatton Yeah? from Nathan
  Barley. We got lost in this and now feel an urge
  to watch the whole series again wondering if
  some of the jokes vaguely referenced b3ta? The
  "Terrorists are gay" bit made us squirm at the
  time anyway.
&#8207;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYBAlqVTZjM


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still shit and we weep for publishing it

  * ATTRACTIVE LADY WITH MASTURBATORY NAME -
  Silencer writes, "Been sniggering over this
  at work for half an hour. Clearly I need to get
  out more. Still - for funny name corner -
  Slovakian model, Ivana Vancova" The producers of
  Bond should use her in their next movie -
  slightly iffy publicity galore. 
 - http://www.supermodels.nl/ivanavancova


  * DOG PENIS - imagine if you were born a dog
  with an image of a penis on your back - spinning
  eternally trying to hump yourself.
http://imgur.com/gallery/FxjNX


  * BEST GYNECOLOGIST NAME EVER - we give you
  Harry C Beaver.
https://www.google.com/search?q=dr+harry+beaver


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Animal Tech Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to add technology
  to animals. Your favourites included:
 
  * SHARK: including improved jet engine 
    action, albeit with decreased vision 
    (HumanDescent) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10886100
 
  * MOUSE: household rodent goes space-age,
    in space (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10885603
  
  * SEAGULL: splatter bonanza as seaside
    pest meets arcade classic (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10887329  
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cyber-toothed-tigers/


  >> New challenge: Real Life Movie Posters <<
  Lights, camera, action! This week's 
  challenge is to re-create a famous movie 
  poster using a single, posed photograph. 
  Like this amazing example. Challenge 
  suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/real-life-movie-posters/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TEA THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU NEED TO WEE -
  ben.broomfield writes, "It's the caffeine in tea
  acting as a diuretic, making you want to open
  the floodgates. I can suggest Redbush tea which
  is caffeine-free. You can have with milk, and
  doesn't taste like shit. However, if you've had
  five cups, it just depends on how strong your
  bladder is..."

  * COMPLAINTS - davidnbashore writes, "Your
  posting of 'Leaked White House tape' was the
  most disrespectful, uncalled-for,
  Republican-approved bullshit I've ever seen on
  this site, and I've been a subscriber for years.
  Well, now I'mm an unsubscriber. Fuck you limey
  cunts. You're just jealous of our democracy." So
  true. B3ta; Republican supporters and jealous of
  America's democracy. Nailed us there.

  * EBOOK COVERS - chazz writes, "The Kobo sets
  its display to the last-read book cover when it
  goes to sleep or turns off." Great idea - Kindle
  should nick this pronto.


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * UNFAIL ANTI-LOLS - compile a video of your
  favourite "unfails". Riding a bike and not
  falling off. Walking down road not tripping up
  etc.
  
  * WASHING-MACHINE TV CHANNEL - an alternative to
  Cbeebies and just as entertaining for small
  children. Or at least it entertains ours.

  * THE DEATH OF ALL LIVING THINGS - we've just
  done the winter clear on the garden: 13 black
  bin-liners full of leaves and twigs. FFS nature!


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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    Blubs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by badgerlikespeed,
  @tomirwin_tw, @martin_gleeson, Araucaria,
  Martyn.hood, nospoon, Fork, omnitruncatedkraken,
  Gruffi Savalas, @reubenturner, &#8207;@erocdrahs,
  @dancall1, &#8207;@idrinktea, weegiegeek & i.caple.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Tip by sandettie light vessel
  automatic. Subjlols via Pootle.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Instead of spending good money on anti-ageing
  creams and treatment, travel at the speed of
  light for a bit. That way when you stop again,
  everyone will have aged considerably more than
  you will have and you can enjoy the admiring
  gasps of your friends.

  TOP TIP 2:
  Need Christmas gift ideas, but no money? Convert
  a lightbulb into an attracti... a quirky vase.
  (Created by Dave Haxworth)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yx8Apr_fJg

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