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NEWSLETTER: "FINALLY Y2K COMPLIANT"

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This Week:
* STEVE JOBS VID - Mad, bad & dead
* CRAPPING PAPER - Wonderfully thoughtless wrap
* HOME ALONE - Burglars' injuries analysed

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   balls together... 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    especially the ladies"

B3ta email 560  - 21 Dec 2012

Read this issue pretending to be a badger:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue??? 

   Love off:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shove off : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored link, sort of)
  Depressed? Squeeze your anus 100 times a day
 
  One of the more unlikely self-help books that
  have come our way. The title is great, the
  description mind-blowing. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595094724/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Apple, Homophobia, Hearing & Wrapping Paper

  >> Steve Jobs (Enslaved With Shiny Things) <<
  Ginger Fuhrer, Superpowerless & Peepholecircus
  are working together again and have produced a
  wonderful song about Jobs and his shitty
  digital handcuff products. It'll be broadcast
  on TV too - in a C4 production called Mashed,
  featuring lots of B3tans work - broadcast 
  Friday 28th December 2012, 11.40pm, Channel 4.
  Huzzah.
http://bit.ly/Tc2QPY


  >> Homosexual Activity (SPOOF TRAILER) <<
  "If the pope made a gay marriage horror movie,
  this is what it would look like..." claims a
  wildly sweating teaandcheese. Don't fret -
  we're *satirising* bigotry and making the world
  safe for democracy.
http://bit.ly/Tc2Qj4


  >> Billy 2.0 - Go go Gadget Ears <<
  "A month since the operation," updates b3tan
  helmsdeep, "And two days since my cochlear
  implant was switched on. The whole thing felt
  weird and made me have a whitey. WARNING:
  Contains drug references."
http://wlmager.com/billy-2-0-coming-up-on-an-e/


  >> Crapping Paper™
  "A stupid thing I crapped out, just in time for
  those last minute presents you didn't really
  think about," confesses copybeard. "It's the
  wrapping paper that ruins the surprise!™"
  Ingenious, because this way you can claim all
  your gifts are 'tongue in cheek'.
http://crappingpaper.co.uk/


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: BOOK OF THE WEEK
  TV Reviews - Victor Lewis-Smith

  Your Ginger Fuhrer occasionally works for VLS,
  making titles for his C4 documentaries. We
  mention this, as VLS has a great book out and
  we tried to badger him for an interview but he
  doesn't do interviews. Very wise. But you
  should read the book, and find out exactly
  where characters like Charlie Brooker got their
  TV review schtick from.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00ANUSCA2/b3ta-21 


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: WTF?
  Scaryduck has done a book!

  "If you've nothing else better for the
  newsletter," interjects Scaryduck, "I've
  finally finished the book that took me five
  years, a divorce and two nervous breakdowns to
  write. It's a comedy thriller about geeks and
  nerds and has a b3ta meme or two in it.

  "People wouldn't stop asking if there was going
  to be a version in Comic Sans (The Font of
  Champions), so I did a version in Comic Sans
  (The Font of Champions)"

Read some extracts and Scary's blurb:
http://bit.ly/XUmbUx

Buy it right now, as you know you must:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AP6OJJW/b3ta-21 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Overcoming Adversity
  
  We asked how you'd overcome adversity. You lot
  decided to tell stories about putting things up
  your arse, and then got owned by a guy with
  Crohn's disease who no longer has an arse:
http://b3ta.com/questions/overcomingadversity/


  * SHIFTED - "My Grandad lost his left arm fighting
   against Franco in the Spanish Civil War. He was
   a Welsh miner but, like many others, was willing
   to lose his life in the fight against fascism.
   He returned to the UK after a long stint in a 
   PoW camp and, with his buddy who had also lost 
   an arm, started up a REMOVALS company. Yep - who
   needs two arms to shift furniture around?"
(l0bst3r)
  
  * PATCHED - "Well, after being told it would 
   happen for over 30 years, I've now gone blind
   in my left eye. On the downside, I walk into 
   things a lot and miss when I try to pick up
   stuff. I also can't ride my bike anymore. On
   the upside, I can now legitimately dress as 
   a pirate for fancy dress parties. Yarr."
(Smash Monkey)

  * STRAINED - "Once managed to ejaculate after 
   drinking 9 pints of Guinness. Almost severed
   a wrist tendon to get there mind."
(Merry Fitmas and an Eppy New Year)


  >> This Week - RELIEF <<
  Last week, Scaryduck thought he'd run over and
  killed something to find he'd squished a bin
  bag. What was not as grim as you first thought?
http://b3ta.com/questions/qotwrelief/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Best book jackets <<
  Cover gallery, with such treats as Taschen's
  reversible 'panic jackets', that make porno
  look like philosophy.   
http://pinterest.com/pin/2322237279511947/


  >> Home Alone burglars - a doctor writes <<
  Doctor examines the real-world consequences
  of the numerous injuries inflicted on the
  hapless bandits by prepubescent Macaulay Culkin
  in the Chris Columbus Christmas classic.
http://bit.ly/SYarDM


  >> Soup in the movies <<
  Every scene, from every film. As long as it
  involves or references soup.
http://www.soupsong.com/imovies.html


  >> Mysterious, magical basement <<
  Exploration of an amazing, WWI-era basement in
  Portland, Oregon. The stuff on the wall is
  fascinating.
http://cabel.me/2012/12/19/the-basement/


  >> 12 letters that didn't make the alphabet <<
  Fascinating historical overview of the 27th- to
  38th-best letters of the English alphabet. 
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/156077


  >> CITV to broadcast classic kids TV <<
  For two days in January, you and your kids can
  watch the children's shows of your childhood:
  Supergran, Duckula, The Tomorrow People, Art
  Attack, Raggy Dolls etc. This will teach them a
  valuable lesson about nostalgia.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-20780372


  >> Funniest autocorrects of 2012 <<
  You might try to act so jaded, you may promise
  yourself not to giggle, but it's all in vain.
  Yes, this even wrested a smirk from our
  thin-lipped, stoney faces.
http://bit.ly/12yy6eS


  >> 100 internet things you should have seen 2012 <<
  You need to retain your nerd cred at the point
  in the New Year party when everybody starts
  showing each other YouTube videos. This is the
  definitive list you need. What, at your parties
  people start to make out instead? Well, to each
  their own, buddy.
http://www.youshouldhaveseenthis2012.com/ 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> The most easily scared man in the World? <<
  Interview with the star of a number of popular
  internet startle videos. Blurs the line between
  hilarity and workplace bullying, but he
  genuinely seems into it.
http://bit.ly/UN1Uzs


  >> Cooking for one <<
  Henry's Kitchen talks you through how to
  prepare a nutritious and fulfilling meal for
  just yourself. To eat, alone in your empty
  apartment.
http://bit.ly/ZocHHg


  >> Skull-fucking and lesbian scissors <<
  Viral-schmiral shows what your possessions get
  up to when you're not looking, the dirty
  bastards. Santa! Nooo!
http://bit.ly/12tTsLo


  >> Christmas in 47 seconds <<
  Nicely apt bit of newsreel-based bah humbuggery.
http://bit.ly/WuyHuD


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still junk but we always run it
 
  Anon writes, "I know you despair at the
  low-brow humour that is Funny Name Corner, so
  maybe this week you could introduce a bit of
  culture. Allow me to introduce Baroque
  organists and composers, Johann Fux and Samuel
  Scheidt. Hopefully this week's Funny Name
  Corner will be less fuxing scheidt."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Fux
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Scheidt


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: FRIDAY GAME
  A Blocky Christmas

  Finally, a flash game where you play a magnet.
  At Christmas. Level 12 is hard. But then so is
  our penis, or at least it used to be, in the
  1990s.
http://bartbonte.com/ablockychristmas/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Accidents Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture
  accidents waiting to happen

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HULK: elderly wrestler prepares to
    unleash terror on unsuspecting city
    (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896240
 
  * COLOUR: unfortunate recruit prepares
    for stereotypical early exit from TV
    show (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896290
  
  * LOUD: spectacular, card-based 
    construction quietly stalked by 
    bellowing foe (Dristmas)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896514
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/accidents/


  >> New challenge: Bizarre Facts <<
  Under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 
  it is explicitly illegal in Britain to 
  use a machine gun to kill a hedgehog. 
  This week's challenge is to find 
  similarly bizarre facts, and Photoshop 
  the ass out of them. Challenge suggested 
  by Jabberwoc
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bizarrefacts/


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: B3TA GAZETTE
  Births, death & marriages

  * RIP PRINTMEISTER - Sad news, as long-time
  b3ta legend Printmeister has passed away. A
  truly talented, funny guy, who made a lot of
  people laugh, here's the tribute page with some
  of his greatest hits.
http://b3ta.com/board/10899314


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MAKEY MAKEY KEYBOARD - flatfrog writes, "A
  while ago when I was running a small club at my
  kids' school, I came up with an ambitious plan
  to make and run a game of Just a Minute, by
  taking apart a keyboard and wiring it up to
  doorbells, so pressing a bell would be
  equivalent to pressing a key on the keyboard.

  "It came frustratingly close to working but was
  just too fragile - it was all done with bits of
  silver foil and crocodile clips attached to the
  keyboard's circuit board pins. It sounds like
  the Makey Makey kit would have been just what I
  needed and we could have used bits of fruit for
  buzzers - that would have been awesome."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * GUNS THAT ONLY KILL BAD PEOPLE - maybe they
  could measure your soul on the quality of your
  Facebook friends?
  
  * DAILY MAIL OR NAZI PROPAGANDA QUIZ - can you
  tell from these quotes?
  
  * A BUTTON THAT SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS - from
  world peace to marital discord. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Kissy kissy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Pissy pissy:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Salvage,
  Gratch, tonyharrison, largoembargo, Lord,
  &#8207;@merlinharries, @buzzfeed, &#8207;@Freudenschade,
  @mattround, h3donist, &#8207;@LeeRedders,
  Fadgebadger, &#8207;@LondonYank. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Trop trips via Paolo Nutini's Bikini.  
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Save £££s by spitting your mouthwash back into
  the bottle after you've used it!

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