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NEWSLETTER: "THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE. FUCKING TORIES."

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This Week:
* MIDDLETON - Royal doll revealed
* DR WHO - Missing episode madness
* BIG DATA PORN - pornstar breakdown

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're selling our souls     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   for Twitter RTs...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       together"

B3ta email 568  - 15 Feb 2013

Read this issue wearing a hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue568 

   Love us :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Leave us : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: BUY MIRACLE BERRIES
  Sponsored link

  Miracle berries are super fascinating - they
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  a 'taste tripping' party and see who can invent
  the most interesting flavour? Less than £10 to
  you, son.
http://www.miracleberry.co.uk

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kate, Fairytales, Interracial Handshakes and Drawing

  >> New Kate Middleton Doll <<
  "Warning - contains fun bags," grunts Pig Face
  Turnip. The Franklin Mint has excelled 
  itself here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Kate_Middleton_Doll


  >> Fairytale Choose Your Own adventure game <<
  "I made some very twee music for this game this
  weekend," writes Extinct Jesus Dossier. "The
  game is called 'The Riddle', and it's a simple
  Choose Your Own Adventure type game made in 48
  hours at this weekend's GameHackDays event.
  Features some beautiful watercolour art, with
  papercraft-ish 3D models." Charming stuff.
http://ollytumble.azurewebsites.net/main.html


  >> How to shake a black guy's hand <<
  "You've probably been there," opines
  juliachildcia, incorrectly. Useful if you're
  prone to trying a little too hard.
http://bit.ly/Z2bykz


  >> How To Draw Really Good - Spiderman <<
  "I've given up music and started doing drawing
  tutorials," gasps our old pal, Superpowerless.
  "Here's a tutorial on drawing Spiderman to a
  professional and realistic standard with a 3D
  effect." Amazing, in almost every sense of
  the word.
http://bit.ly/XD9H2D


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: AMAZON TAT
  Stupid products, "amusing" reviews.

  This week we're directing you to the Dean
  Gaffney clock, as suggested by duvetdo.
  Apparently, "the gift that will keep on giving
  this Christmas. Every day the recipient will
  wake to see Dean Gaffney's face and be reminded
  of the preciousness of time."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRMJD0/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Naughty Step
  
  Last week we asked for  the last time you were
  told off.
http://b3ta.com/questions/thenaughtystep/

  * TRICKING MUM - "I was visiting my old mate Des
  one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose
  at a house diagonally opposite. Des said to come
  and have a look at this, so over to the window I
  went. A girl about ten burst around the back
  corner of the house, going like a train, followed
  a few moments later by a large woman in full
  cry. But by the time the woman made it to the
  front corner, the girl was back in through the
  front door. That slammed shut behind her. The
  woman got to the door and thumped on it. It was
  locked. Shouting threats of slow death at 'You
  kids', she returned to the back door, which
  apparently was locked as well. Over the next
  five minutes the shouts died away and she took
  to prowling around the house muttering threats.
  Ten minutes later she was sitting quietly on the
  front door step. Des said that when she got too
  much for her three children, they locked her out
  of the house. 'She falls for it every time,' he
  said." (Redemption)

  * DAD IS TRICKY - "I very seldom meted out
  corporal punishment to my kids. At least not
  past the age of three or so - when they're having
  a complete meltdown, a swat across the arse with
  an open hand snaps them out of it. When my son
  was in his early teens he had his first cell
  phone. One day, when he was being particularly
  obnoxious, I took it away and locked it up,
  resulting in a tantrum which then got him
  grounded besides. I then secretly began sending
  SMS messages to it and calling it. He heard it
  and got almost hysterical at the thought of all
  the messages he was missing. I was firm, though,
  and didn't give it back until the following day.
  His rage at discovering who was calling him made
  it even better." (Wanderer)
  
  * GENIUS TEACHER - "So, as a teacher, giving
  punishments is part and parcel of my daily
  grind. I don't particularly enjoy telling-off as
  a rule, but when it needs to be done, I do try
  to find some way to add amusement value,
  particularly when the crime deserves some
  special attention. My favourite, and one of my
  own devising, is the punishment for a naughty
  boy who decided to draw a giant man-sausage on
  his exercise book. He wasn't a bad lad, but
  could step out of line rather far on occasion,
  and so I couldn't let it slide. I kept him
  behind at the end of the lesson, and his lecture
  went as follows. 'This is an absolutely
  pathetic diagram, one of the worst I have seen
  you produce. (*pause for blank look). You are
  going to finish it, at home, tonight. (Pause for
  more confusion.) It is going to be correctly,
  accurately labelled. No mistakes. No
  mis-spellings. No crossings-out. This diagram is
  going to be perfect. Do you understand? Now get
  out of my classroom.' He leaves, rather puzzled,
  and the next day, returns with a magnificently
  labelled version. It is accurate, detailed, and
  he has done more work on it than any other
  homework that year so far. In front of him, I
  tore it out of his book, placed it in an
  envelope and put it in my desk drawer. 'Now,
  the next time you muck around in my lesson, what
  do you think I will bring to the meeting I have
  with your Mum?... Clear?' This brought, in
  fairly quick succession, 1) more puzzlement. 2)
  a moment of brief panic, and 3) a polite nod and
  a mumbled 'sir'. He was pretty well-behaved
  after that..." (Serotonicity)


  >> This Week - Boozes <<
  Now is your chance to warn others of the dangers
  of drinking to excess. On the other hand, what
  hilarious japes did you get up to while
  shitfaced?
http://b3ta.com/questions/utterlydrunk/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> We <3 Chris de Burgh <<
  Chris de Burgh interview that reads like a
  pitch for a new comedy character. A bit Little
  Britain's Dennis Waterman with a good lump of
  Alan Partridge. Apparently, Chris once did a
  tour where his support act was a bloke from
  Stars in Their Eyes doing a Chris impression.
  "Supporting me tonight, myself..." Brilliant.
http://ind.pn/T4JMEQ


  >> Close your HTML tags <<
  Because if you don't you might create art,
  lovely scrollable art.
http://bit.ly/WUzp6t


  >> Every Private Eye cover since 1961 <<
  Fascinating to stick in various celeb names and
  see how they were covered by the leading
  satirical magazine. Jimmy Savile makes one
  appearance - in the 80s - with a joke about a
  train. As we said, leading British satirists. 
http://www.private-eye.co.uk/covers.php?showme=722


  >> Doctor Who missing episode insanity <<
  Doctor Who super fan goes to extreme lengths to
  try to track down missing 1960s episode.
  Extraordinary. Imagine if amateurs made this
  kind of effort to pursue the financial
  connections between Gov and big business?
http://bit.ly/VNMnj0


  >> Your new wallpaper <<
  McCarthy-era poster warning against
  fraternising with artists. We now want to be
  artists. 
http://bit.ly/12AUMxz

 
  >> Pop Will Eat Itself guy eBays memorabilia <<
  PWEI band member Adam Mole auctions records and
  tells enjoyable anecdotes in eBay description.
  He's collecting to buy a nice caravan.
http://bit.ly/12IIfIv


  >> Big Data porn analysis <<
  "For the first time, a massive dataset of
  10,000 porn stars has been extracted from the
  world’s largest database of adult films and
  performers," writes Jon Millward. "I’ve spent
  the last six months analyzing it to discover
  the truth about what the average performer
  looks like, what they do on film, and how their
  role has evolved over the last forty years."
  Fascinating stuff, although we'd like some data
  on age of death / income.
http://bit.ly/Yh1Ppx


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like VHS videos but not abandoned in the street

  >> Sinclair C5 infomercial <<
  The gap between the lavish voiceover and the
  crap visuals make all 6 mins of this C5
  informercial a joy. Almost can't quite believe
  this isn't a parody - the dialogue is all "look
  at the safety features", whilst the C5 trundles
  along past lorries etc. Brian Butterfield-esque.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5N937V8ZOw


  >> Rapping for Jesus <<
  Rapping for Jesus. Almost choking with laughter
  here. NSFW due to N word. Sparked a big debate
  on whether it's fake or not. Who cares? It's a
  great gag.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kppx4bzfAaE 


  >> Paperman <<
  Saw Wreck It Ralph recently. Basically a
  71-minute-long advert for sweets and computer
  games that cost us £25 to watch. However,
  before Wreck-it Ralph played they showed a
  short called Paperman - utterly charming and
  miles better than the main feature.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTLySbGoMX0


  >> Tea talent <<
  How many cups of tea can you carry? 2? 3? Think
  you're fly? You're shit. You're not this guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScoqxZro9NU


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  400 years: The Game

  Neat, experimental game mechanic. Pressing
  space makes time go quickly allowing trees to
  grow or water to freeze so you can navigate the
  landscape.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/scriptwelder/400-years


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Stop Motion Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MORPH - in which Tony Hart's plasticine
    hero gets his goatse on, to devastating
    effect (HappyToast) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10923522

  * REVERSE: sinister, strangely hypnotic 
    hand manipulation from the suitably 
    named (mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10924234
  
  * TARDIS: all of the Doctors, all of the
    time (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10923712
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stop-motion/


  >> New challenge: Pandas <<
  Pandas: they're too busy eating bamboo to 
  get busy getting busy. As a result, 
  there's not many of them left. On the 
  plus side, they're the single-word 
  subject of this week's image challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pandas/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

 * VISUAL EGG-TIMER - "Thanks for mentioning the
 roast beast calculator last week," writes
 Goddam. This time I've done an egg timer that
 shows you what's happening inside your egg."
 Surprisingly useful.
http://justboil.it/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  We'd really like to see evil money making
  schemes, so we can sack off the next five
  years. Your starters for ten:

  * DOWNLOADR - Use Amazon API to produce huge
  website full of books/films. Add the word
  "torrent". Cover in "download now" banner ads.
  Profit.

  * DRUGR - a legal drugs site that doesn't send
  any product. Like you're going to go to the
  police complaining that your herbal Es didn't
  turn up.

  * WASHCASHR - a middleman site that makes
  payments from your bank to services that you
  don't want to turn up in your records. Payments
  listed as "Online Indie Records LTD" rather
  than "camgirls ltc" etc.

  This time next year Rodney...

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Marriage:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Divorce:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  @Peepholecircus, Mildred, @Craigix,
  @bobandroberta, MuffGuff, @erocdrahs
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tip via Me, I'm not...
  
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  TOP TIP #1:
  Make YouTube videos more fun. Switch on the
  automatic captioning which bears no resemblance
  to anything anyone is saying.

  TOP TIP #TWO (RHYMES WITH POO):
  thecrapgatsby writes, "Hello lovely b3ta
  people, I have had a top tip moment of
  lucidity. Do you often use bay leaves in soups
  or stews and then can never find them again?
  Simply sellotape the leaf to a GPS tracking
  device before adding it, then when dinner's
  ready, check your mobile and retrieve the
  ingredient with ease."

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