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NEWSLETTER: "ATHLETE'S LEGS FOUND IN LASAGNE"

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This Week:
* BLACK METAL - Interior design
* LIFE ADVICE - From machines
* GOATS - Yelling like humans

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We are saving, we      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    are saving with 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Slipstream... together"  

B3ta email 569  - 22 Feb 2013

Read this issue into bin to make it sound flat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue569 

Flirty fishing :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Deprogramming : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Buy your own drone for £250
  
  Drones are very in, in 2013. If they're not
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  the shit out the bloke next door who listens to
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  it a bit to get it to shoot people mind you.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007HZLLPY/b3ta-21 


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Smoking, salami, shakes, offcuts & fighting

  >> Marco Doobio <<
  Smearballs goes from strength to strength with
  these little satire spots for Conan. Here,
  Republican senator Marco Rubio gives his
  response to Obama's State of the Union address.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Marco_Doobio


  >> Petsalami <<
  "I saw this cute dog doing something funny or
  whatever, I don't remember..." begins
  MattiasKallio. "Anyway, it was on Petsami. I
  read it wrong and got Petsalami instead, I
  thought that was funny so." Please forward to
  as many gullible people as possible.
http://www.petsalami.com/


  >> Rolling Harlem Shake <<
  "Inspired by that vine peek thing we were all
  looking at last week," confesses Tom Devart,
  "here's a real time (ish) feed of Harlem Shake
  videos." Formulaic yet endlessly inventive. 
http://www.harlempeek.com/


  >> Animated offcuts <<
  "Any danger of squeezing my dodgy-looking
  selection of Offcuts in your newsletter?"
  inquires Chipping Sodbury. Sorry, buddy, we
  don't like quick-fire gags and Gilliamesque
  animation.
http://vimeo.com/59293888


  >> YouTube interactive fighting <<
  "I made this interactive fighting video that
  turns YouTube into a real life XBOX 360! or
  close enough anyhow," brags Faceburger. Clever,
  but would be improved if you could actually
  punch YouTube commenters, in their actual,
  real-life faces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAYznaYScQQ  


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Utterly Drunk
  
  Last week we wanted your stupid 'I got drunk
  and pooed on a car' stories. Yay! Now go read
  buffet_the_appetite_slayer's story of alcoholic
  misery and redemption:
http://b3ta.com/questions/utterlydrunk/

  * PEACH - "On a stag weekend in Budapest we
   decided we had to try the national tipples.
   One was the hilariously-monikered Unicum,
   the other is Palinka, which is drunk in a
   stemmed glass and comes in various flavours
   ranging from "really quite nice" to "somebody
   shoot me please." One evening saw us in a
   cool cellar bar getting a couple more beers
   before our taxi arrived. Suspended above our
   heads was a giant green glass ball with a
   tap on the bottom. Truly it was a beauteous
   thing to see. "What's that?" "Palinka" replied
   the barmaid "Honeyed peach flavour!" We looked
   at each other. Honeyed peach! That sounded
   delicious! Two were ordered, and downed at
   the bar. Ho. Lee. Fuck. O_o. Honeyed peach?
   Undead peaches in diesel, more like. We gasped,
   spluttered, swore, clung to the bar as our
   consciousness wavered, then staggered back to
   where the rest of the group was sitting. Not
   only did beer completely fail to mask the taste,
   but everyone made us sit at the far end of the
   table as the smell was making them all feel sick."
(Professor Kenny Martin)
  
  * TRAIN - "Getting the last train from London 
   to Exeter can turn a lovely drunken sleepy
   commute into a half dazed nightmare should 
   you wake up in Plymouth or Penzance (I've done
   both.) But this train terminated at Exeter
   so I was happy to knock back a few tins of gin,
   showed my ticket and pass out into my Chuck
   Palahnuik safe in the knowledge I'd not 
   overshoot into another country. When I awoke
   the train had indeed stopped in Exeter, only 
   quite a few hours before. Everyone had alighted,
   the inspector checked the carriages, the driver
   pulled into the sidings, switched off all the
   lights, locked up and gone home. Half dazed
   nightmare doesn't cover it. At least the swishy
   doors between carriages don't switch off so as
   you stumble back and forth in panic it's a bit
   like a shit episode of Star Trek. Calling 999
   ('Ummm, I'm locked on a train') the police told
   me to wait for the controller, who finally located
   me and helped me off. 'I bet this happens all
   the time', I said rather sheepishly to my saviour.
   He looked at me witheringly. 'No'."
(garetha)
  
  * POO - "I got stuck in the sunroof of a car. 
   I was trying to have a poo on the windscreen
   and the glass gave way."
(Wooflington Pig)


  >> This Week - LOL BIGOTS! <<
  Tell us stories of bigots, racists, sexists,
  homophobes and loud-mouths so that we may point
  and laugh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lolbigots/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Gangster Bankers: Too Big to Jail <<
  Got to love Matt Tiabbi, the Rolling Stone
  journalist who once described Goldman Sachs as a
  "great vampire squid wrapped around the face of
  humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel
  into anything that smells like money." His
  latest is on a round of banking scandals, where
  the authorities admit it's too dangerous to jail
  the culprits, despite them being caught red
  handed laundering drug and terrorist money.
http://rol.st/UiVY5b


  >> You had one job... <<
  In what could be a sequel to the minor internet
  meme "there, I fixed it" comes a collection of
  photos of inept work. Keep pressing the right
  key and occasionally smirk. It's like wanking
  for your smile muscles.
http://hadonejob.com/


  >> A New Hope Via DNS <<
  Oh old B3tans, remember telnetting into
  towel.blinkenlights.nl to get an ascii version
  of Star Wars? Your wait for a slight
  (unofficial) sequel is finally over. Simply
  traceroute to 216.81.59.173
http://bit.ly/VXHWlV

  
  >> Life advice from machines <<
  Error messages as self-help? Oh god we're
  getting nostalgic about error messages now - how
  a Read Error B was always worse than a Read
  Error A.
http://lifeadvicefrommachines.tumblr.com/


  >> Place map of rude names <<
  Here's a list of places to visit, then ask the
  locals, "is this Cocking Fuckberry?" whilst they
  look at you with the contempt you deserve.
http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if a Casio Camera Watch was colour!!!

  >> Black Metal interior design <<
  Your new favourite death metal band takes
  interior design rather seriously. Gigglesome.
  Reminds us Adam Curtis's comedy advice: take
  silly stuff seriously. eg. a deadpan news
  report about a skateboarding dog. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Metal_Interior_Design


  >> Goats yelling like humans compilation <<
  Unsure if this is dubbed or not - it certainly
  doesn't sound like the goats in Kentish Town
  City Farm. (You should visit; one is named
  flopsy because he's been castrated.)
http://bit.ly/12RvN9A

  
  >> Kittens vs. Sock Ninjas <<
  Inspired bit of video compositing - green screen
  some ninja blokes and make them fight cats. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittens_vs_Sock_Ninjas


  >> Vic 'n' Bob pop music show pilot <<
  A largely-forgotten 30-minute pilot from the
  early 90s, featuring some truly shit bands - Cud
  & a girl group with Martine McCutcheon in it.
  Strangely fascinating. TV from a decade
  that we almost remember, but not quite like this.
http://bit.ly/15xNZ7y


  >> Darwin Deez - You Can't Be My Girl <<
  Genius use of stock footage to make creepy
  singer even more creepy. Wish we'd thought of it.
http://bit.ly/XryrMb


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  The most adorable frog you will ever see!

  When disturbed the Namaqua rainfrog has the
  ability to inflate to twice its size and squeek
  like a child's toy. Cute - he thinks he's being
  scary. Pixar will probably base their next
  cutefest on this little cunt and earn enough
  money to shit on the Moon.
http://bit.ly/XryszC


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Actually names for once
  
  * FLUSH THE PATRIARCHY DOWN THE BOG - Ashley
  Kennerley writes to us to say, "The name of this
  company is a stroke of genius." Indeed, although
  it sounds like there isn't much stroking allowed.
http://www.stopcocks.co.uk/

  * OH MY COCK, MY ACHEY BREAKY COCK - Fray
  Brentos writes, "Just been sent to me by a
  colleague. Think he can get some cream for that."
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/akin-koc/b/257/b40


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Panda Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  panda's rare splendour

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TOPICAL: that's the last time this cute
    fella buys any of that cheap Findus 
    bamboo (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10927373
 
  * STOVE: turn your hob into a living,
    breathing panda face, or something 
    (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10928832
  
  * MYSTERIOUS: Peter the Panda is a 
    secret agent from Seattle, but his life
    is unexciting (Fresh Water Mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10929553 
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pandas/


  >> New challenge: Sex-Up Literature <<
  Sales are plummeting, apart from 50 
  Shades of Grey, which has been the 
  saviour of bookshops everywhere. The 
  answer is obvious: literature needs to be 
  sexier for it to survive. Your job this 
  week is to make it so. Challenge 
  suggested by Paul_P.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexybooks/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHED OF THE YEAR 2013 - "It's that time of
  the year when I leave my shed and post here,"
  writes wilco. Because, once again, entry is
  open to the prestigious  Shed of the Year
  competition. There's already a strong field,
  but you have until May 3rd to get your own
  entry in:
http://bit.ly/13madWv

  * HOW TO DRAW REALLY GOOD: SONIC -
  Superpowerless continues his series of art
  tutorials that show you how to get that
  classic, in-the-head look. "If in doubt," he
  writes, "add more fingers."
http://bit.ly/VOtaU6


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MONEY TREES - we've looked all over the
  gardening centre for these but the staff first
  pretended to laugh then finally asked us to leave.
    
  * 3D PRINTED FOOD - surely it's only a matter of
  time before we pour in sugar, protein and fat
  then print out our own horse-burgers?

  * NANOBOTS THAT KEEP OUR TOENAILS TRIMMED - and
  don't write any naughty viruses that make them
  snip off our cocks.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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Let's have kids:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Trial separation: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  TheTrampSurveyor, Legless, Mert, dr_mx,
  gavindixon, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
  Fray Brentos, ThunderThrust, Captain Howdy,
  Jabberwoc & Faceburger.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Gruffi.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Website owners: Need money to fund your
  extravagant lifestyle full of hookers and
  cocaine? Disable the search function on your
  website and then ask people to donate money to
  'fix' it. (2 Can Chunder)

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