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NEWSLETTER: "GEORGE OSBOURNE LOSES AAAAAAAAAAAAAA++++++++++ EBAY RATING"

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This Week:
* SKRILLEX - poops
* ONE DIRECTION - hit in nuts
* CATS - of Medieval Europe

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Drinking a pint     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   of butyric acid...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     together"

B3ta email 570 - 1 Mar 2013

Read this exact same text in another window: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue570 

   Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Frenemies: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (replacing Sponsored Link)
  Troll reviews and general junk

  * LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF DAVID CAMERON -
  ideal for your Illuminati themed dinner party on
  a budget. Best review? "Since installing this in
  my front room I have not had an unhappy day.
  Dave's smiling face greets me first thing in the
  morning and is one of the last things I see at
  night. I chat to him about my day and imagine
  what he might be saying back. Sometimes I just
  hold him, silently, for hours."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003JLT1HA/b3ta-21 
  
  * FRIGHTEN YOUR HUSBAND AND POSSIBLY KILL HIM -
  Can't quite believe this is a beauty product and
  not a prop from a 70s episode of Doctor Who.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005JHWB/b3ta-20

  * HOW TO AVOID SHIPS - amusingly titled book
  that you won't quite believe has attracted some
  "amusing" reviews.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0870334336/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Swears, Shards, Penguins, Goats & Skrillex
  
  >> English Swears <<
  "This is from our BAD Advice series," informs
  Weebl, from his office at the British Advisory
  Service, "It's also the best one yet." Always
  swear British.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/English_Swears


  >> What can I see from the Shard? <<
  If you're paying a ton of money to go up the
  Shard, it pays to check the visibility levels
  before you go in the door. "I worked out that
  if I was rich enough to buy a flat in The
  Shard, for each hour it's in cloud it'll cost
  me ~£350." writes KaiserPro. "With that in mind
  I made this website to document how much money
  those rich bastards are losing to the British
  weather."
http://www.whatcaniseefromtheshard.com/


  >> Penguin vs Diving Board - translation <<
  "A worried penguin isn't up for jumping in,"
  explains Slurpy J, in another of his viral
  video voiceovers. Is it just us that mostly
  concentrates on the clothes people are wearing
  in this sort of clip, to guess what year the
  footage is from?
http://bit.ly/12g3iTR


  >> Nirvana - Goat-shaped Box <<
  The goat that's everywhere this week pops up in
  Grungeville, thanks to pi bennett.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/NIRVANA_GOAT_SHAPED_BOX


  >> Skrillex Drops One <<
  "I am very childish," confesses weebl, with his
  second vid of the week. Toilet humour, nice
  pay-off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skrillex_Drops_One


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Lol Bigots
 
  Last week we asked bigotry and racism so we
  could point and laugh at it in public:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lolbigots/

  * BENEFITS - "I worked with a guy who was half
  Iraqi. His name is Wahab, but he goes by the
  name of Dave. He came to the UK as a teenager,
  became an officer in the merchant navy, and when
  I met him he was working in IT. One day he let
  on that he had been on some kind of black ops
  thing in Iraq with the Gurkhas, but he didn't
  make a big deal out of it. In short, a good
  bloke. He lives in a small town in East
  Yorkshire. He told me he was in the pub with a
  number of friends when some racist bloke came up
  to him and said, "What are YOU doing in a small
  town in East Yorkshire?" Dave put on his worst
  accent, "Well, I just come over from Calais. I
  come here for benefits, you know?" Racist bloke
  gets angry. "I only been here one week... and
  they give me council house." Racist bloke gets
  angrier. "Is big house! Is good, because next
  month my four wives and fifteen children come."
  Racist bloke explodes. Dave's friends all laugh
  at him." (Bob the Builder)
 
  * DESKGUSTING - "This is one of the most
   disgusting examples of corporate bigotry I've
   encountered. I hesitate to post the link
   because I think people will find it upsetting,
   but its better that we all see just how narrow
   minded and offensive big business can be. Only
   in America!" (browser)
http://i.imgur.com/2XQH1qa.jpg
 
  * TROUBLE - "I'm from Northern Ireland, so you'd
   expect my family to be full of bigots, racists,
   sexists, homophobes and loud-mouths. But you'd
   be wrong, because we aren't Protestants."
(Dr Preference)


  >> This Week - WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG? <<
  Tell us all about that turning point in your
  life when it started going downhill. Pour
  text misery into our database here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> It's Not The Onion, it's The On1on <<
  Nice idea to aggregate news so offbeat that it
  looks like satire.
http://theon1on.com/


  >> Gif Melter <<
  Paste in a URL or press the link when viewing
  an image, to recreate that trippy poster you
  had on your wall as an art student in
  Nottingham.
http://csh.bz/gifmelter/


  >> Jim'll Paint It <<
  Dubiously-named but genius concept - this man
  will draw anything requested, in MS Paint.
  Anything.
http://jimllpaintit.tumblr.com/


  >> UNT mug <<
  Nice design - the handle's black d'ye see?
http://bit.ly/12e4Wns


  >> Medieval cats were twats <<
  Medieval monks needed to stop mice from eating
  all their manuscripts. But the cats peed
  everywhere and walked on books with inky paws.
  We're hoping further research shows that the
  monks bought a cat to catch the mice and bought
  a dog to catch the cat... all the way up to a
  horse. These monks are dead, of course.
http://bit.ly/XtqypJ


  >> Grumpy Russian traveller <<
  Gloomy tourist documents his solo
  world-travelling adventure, stoically resisting
  the temptation to enjoy any of it. Nobody gets
  to hold *his* camera!
http://imgur.com/a/4ix4I


  >> Google Glass is uncool *and* evil <<
  Are we heading for the bit in the 1970s kids
  drama The Changes where we collectively decide
  to smash the machines? A thought-provoking piece
  - basically, this technology turns you into
  Google's little pet cyborg StreetView car.
http://bit.ly/13r3AGB


  >> Ambient police scanner music <<
  Incredibly atmospheric website plays real-time
  police scanners, backed with downbeat
  electronica. Like being in a cool John
  Carpenter film from the 80s. Or Ryan Gosling in
  Drive. Your preference. 
http://youarelistening.to 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  If you stare you can see shapes in the glow

  >> Japanese tyres, rolling off ski-jump <<
  Japanese TV blokes roll various tyres down a
  ski-slope, to see which will fly the furthest.
  We were going to make some flip comment about
  'weird Japan' until we realised this is
  basically Top Gear. Anyway, you'll want to see
  the big fecker go down.
http://bit.ly/13tnlxI


  >> Sport ball bonbonbonbons <<
  More new Brian Butterfield, as the fitness &
  diet guru promotes his new restaurant in
  inimitable style.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/More_new_Butterfield


  >> Hair tutorial gone wrong <<
  Skip to 0:45 if you're the impatient type, for
  predictable but still lolworthy denouement.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/top_hairstyling_tips


  >> Still funny after 15 years <<
  We'd never heard of Aussie comic Shaun
  Micallef, but thoroughly enjoyed this selection
  of clips from his late-90s TV show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y1pEAy5Zbg


  >> Extreme canyon jump <<
  Stomach-churning footage of excited hipsters
  hurling themselves off a cliff. Not shown:
  giant pile of dead hipsters from out-takes.
http://youtu.be/fdJc1_IBKJA 


  >> Harry Styles shoe-crotch <<
  Because it's never not funny to see a pop star
  get popped in the nads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o63lcWu6kY


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: GAME
  Massively multiplayer Bomberman

  This is how to reinvent old games for the modern
  times - we don't want classic graphic design
  fucked around with but we do want this.
http://bombermine.com/#/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Sexy Books Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to sex-up 
  literature. To make it more sexy, and 
  that.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HARPER: influential southern classic 
    reduced to tawdry nob gag (VicBrown)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10931004     
 
  * WELLS: seminal science-fiction volume
    reduced to tawdry nob gag (Christian's 
    Bolt and Ski) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10931745
  
  * WELLS II: seminal science-fiction 
    volume with added 50-foot woman 
    (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10932301
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexybooks/


  >> New challenge: Smash the Patriarchy <<
  Men have been in charge for a while now 
  and, quite frankly, the place is a bit of 
  a mess. So this week's challenge is to 
  right a history of wrongs, smash the 
  patriarchy, and show us what life would 
  be like if women ran everything. Hopefully
  this won't turn into a load of sexist tosh.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smash-the-patriarchy/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories
  
  * BORIS LOVES B3TA? @Steve_Bromley writes, "Did
  you see b3ta was on the "top 500 websites
  visited by London City Hall" - our theory is
  that it's Boris checking whether he's won the
  QOTW. (He hasn't.)
http://bit.ly/Z6FnQm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * OCD GAME - You're presented with various
  albums on screen and you have to arrange them
  alphabetically on shelf. Each time you get an
  A->Z it disappears like Tetris, making more room
  for more CDs. Nick some voice-over from High
  Fidelity and that'll sort the soundtrack.

  * A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE GAME - programmed
  into the dial / LCD screen of a washing machine.
  Well, we recently used one that felt like this. 
  
  * BUS GAME - you have to stand at a stop and guess
  whether it's worth walking to the next one so
  you don't get cold, or staying so you don't miss
  the bus when it comes. Super jeopardy. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by robneymcplum,
  miss fortunate, smaggers, Stashie, tichy,
  Sherbets Leaf, dirtyscarab, itilliterate,
  Jared Earle and @prodigy_69 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via joefish.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Create your 'Sinclair Name' by taking the last
  two numbers of your birth year and placing it
  after 'ZX'.

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