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NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY CHEESE PASTY AND A WANK DAY"

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This Week:
* VIDEO QUIZ - Cum Face or Axe Master
* PROJECT - Make your bin into a monster
* VIOLENCE - Beat up your toddler

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our 2ps   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   in a pot and it's so
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     heavy it's a liability"

B3ta email 572  - 15 Mar 2013

Watch this issue as a series of mimes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue572

   Love it  : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Shove it : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Ask me about my T-Rex

  The most inspired T-shirt design we've seen for
  a while - although you'd be advised to wear a
  vest underneath it as nobody wants to see your
  man boobs, or if you're a lady reader, you
  probably don't want to get your ladyboobs out.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00BHXM0R0/b3ta-21 
  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Making using their internet finger

  >> Cum Face or Axe Master? <<
  "Morning B3ta-peeps," squeaks Wallopfilms. "I
  made a game!" Look at these gurning wonders -
  are they engaging in sweep-picked arpeggios,
  diminished minor harmonic scales and
  finger-tapping? Or is someone abusing their
  whammy-bar?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_9LPyNvB4g


  >> Punishment Beating <<
  "My four-year-old and I have produced this
  useful training film on how to best beat up a
  child," informs Bananas. "Enjoy!" This little
  boy has a future as a stuntman.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Punishment_Beating


  >> Dancers on fire <<
  "We shot dancers at 1000fps then, in post,
  overlaid lots of CG fire onto them so it looked
  like they had been set alight," explains Grape.
  "It took just over a year to complete with
  about 6 months of that being me sat in my room
  creating and rendering the fire in Maya!"
  Beautiful stuff, although it would have been
  considerably less effort to simply set the
  dancers alight.
http://bit.ly/XNX61l


  >> Spring Tide <<
  "Saw some crazed waves so I thought I'd get a
  bit closer and film them. Within 2 minutes my
  camera was knackered and I was drenched,"
  laments poochengeez. "This is some of the
  footage I salvaged from the salty SD card."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spring_Tide


  >> 80s nostalgia song <<
  "Have you seen the We Didn't Own An iPad thing
  doing the rounds?" inquires drewb. "I did the
  music for it!" Definitely punches our old git
  nostalgia buttons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE


  >> Make your bin into a monster <<
  "I made this for a friend's kitchen. I am quite
  proud of him," beams stevierar. "There is a
  guide, in case you want to make your own bin
  creature."
http://www.steveguntrip.co.uk/labs/55/bin-monster/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I Hurt My Bits, Again
  
  Last week we wanted more stories of squashed,
  ripped and marinated rude bits. Read on and
  wince. Repeatedly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/

  * TONED - "I have spent the last year working
  away from home, which sounds quite exciting but
  in reality is truly boring. It has given me the
  opportunity to experiment quite a bit with the
  deeper recesses of my imagination. In a fit of
  complete gungho idiocy, I decided to buy one of
  those ab toner belt things and attach it to my
  genitals. I thought this might be a great way
  of automating a process and providing some much
  needed help during my internet fuelled 2 hour
  long masturbatorium sessions. Turns out it's
  really fucking painful and exceptionally
  difficult to switch off in a blind panic. I
  suspect I detached a retina screaming..."
  (kaptinkurtz)
  
  * DROPPED - "Royal Lifesaving Society Bronze
  course. I was the youngest guy there. At one
  point you had to remove a drowned person from
  the pool by gripping his wrists and hoisting
  him over the side. The acting-drowned person
  was much bigger than me and I only had the
  strength to just get the bulgy part of his
  Speedos over the edge of the pool when I
  dropped the poor bastard back down, gently
  scraping his way over the tiled pool edge."
  (the other guy)

  * TOUCHED - "Mountain biking in Wales, I was
  going down a hill really rather fast when my
  waterproof trousers caught in the chain,
  causing it to lock. This sent me head first
  over the handlebars and off into a small
  stream. I was already in an incredible amount
  of pain when in slow motion the bike landed
  smack between my legs. I now have a zig zag
  lightning bolt scar down the length of my penis
  and ballsack. It looks like I was touched by
  Voldemort as a child." (markqfmd)


  >> This Week - FIGHT CLUB <<
  In which internet hard-men and internet trolls
  do battle to see who can be stupidest online.
  With the occasional story of fighting in between.
  Contribute your best and worst brawls here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightclub/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Liartown <<
  Enjoyable collection of Photoshopped-up road
  signs, remaindered book jackets, magazine
  articles and, our favourite, Butterfield-esque
  unappetising menus.
http://liartownusa.tumblr.com/


  >> Master of Yeahs <<
  Every James Hetfield grunt ever, laid
  end-to-end like a distillation of good-time
  heavy rock.
http://m.soundcloud.com/kcclips/hetfield-grunts


  >> New York's hidden subway station <<
  Fascinating article on City Hall station,
  disused due to safety concerns but
  architecturally magnificent.
http://bit.ly/WsAmmF


  >> We will write your songs <<
  Fancy being in a band, but shit at writing
  songs? Let the 'Retired Artists' ("underground
  musicians" who don't tour anymore) do
  everything for you - and nobody need ever know.
  This seems like a slightly melodramatic way of
  employing a songwriter, but what the heck.
http://retiredartists.com/ 


  >> Porn stars - before & after makeup <<
  Some pretty skilled MAUs at work here, but we
  eagerly await the upcoming Dove real beauty
  campaign and as someone on twitter pointed out
  - it has a humanising effect - real people made
  your porn.
http://bit.ly/XcMp4I


  >> Welsh URL shortener <<
  Make long web addresses easier to share and
  more trustworthy, with this shortening service.
http://llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogo.ch/



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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if you could watch TV online. Wow.

  * INTERNET INSTRUCTION VIDEO FROM THE 1990s -
  we'd like to get a time machine back here as
  making crappy homepages is our leet skill we're
  hoping will come back into fashion.
http://youtu.be/XzbzMYhZgDM 


  * AUTECHRE VS WASHING MACHINE - possibly the
  most thrilling video we've watched in a while.
  This sounds like sarcasm, but it's genuinely,
  utterly exhilarating.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO9ZY5V461c


  * HARLEM SHAKE POOP EDITION - unsure about
  linking this as it's NSFW and utterly
  disgusting but it does nicely capture our
  contempt for the Harlem Shake meme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyMETs72dBo


  * HEY THERE'S A VIDEO ON TED THAT SUGGESTS THE
  PLANET ISN'T UTTERLY FUCKING DOOMED - we
  watched this and felt quite hopeful for a
  moment that our kids won't die in climate
  change scorched earth / flooding. Then we
  googled Allan Savory - the chap giving the talk
  - and found plenty of people saying his science
  doesn't add up. Oh well, good to feel hopeful
  about humanity's future, even for a few minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpTHi7O66pI 

  >> Donkey Kong: Pauline Edition <<
  A dad modifies the game ROM so that his
  three-year-old daughter can play as the girl
  and rescue Mario. This should probably be an
  option on all Mario games.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeXDNg7scyU


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Redefining funny to mean shit since 1997

  * THE OLD THERAPIST / THE RAPIST CONFUSION -
  tbl offers us a variation on the classic:
http://www.therapieclinic.co.uk/

  * JAPANESE GAMES COMPANY - suggested by
  manolith for what he mockingly calls our
  'hilarious' funny names section.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winky_Soft

  * HE PLAYS THE PENISANO - ShodoPan asks us to
  read the name carefully for the musician on
  this CD. He also says, "I own this CD. It's
  pretty ordinary." We think you mean
  extraordinary, ShodoPan.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000003ESR/b3ta-21

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Code Injection 
  
  Nifty game, where you 'inject' actions into
  your character and random monsters for
  differing results to guide you safely through
  levels of a maze.
http://inject.craftyy.com


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Sheep Challenge

  Last week we asked you to manipulate
  sheep

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BAAA!: life's bittersweet tragedy as gently
  looping animation (augsav)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938558
 
  * BAAAAA!: deeply sordid glance into flock
  nightlife (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938109
  
  * BAAAAAAAA!: demented tribute to famed web
  freak Cyriak (DaveExclamationMark)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10937916
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/


  >> New challenge: Vegetable Heads <<
  This week's challenge is to picture celebrities
  and animals with vegetables for heads, for no
  other reason than it can be done.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/vegetable-heads/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * BUS GAMES - hcr writes, "I regularly play
  this in real life catching the 19 home in
  Aberdeen. I thought I was being clever till my
  wife pointed out she raises the stakes - she
  walks towards the bus.  Provided you catch the
  bus, you'll get home at the same time having
  got on the bus (and in the warm) sooner despite
  the longer journey."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WRIST WATCH E-INK HOOP THAT DISPLAYS TIME
  FROM ANY ROTATION - what with all the
  speculation about an Apple watch, this is what
  we'd like.
  
  * A ROCK FAMILY TREE OF LEFTISH SPLITTING -
  because we def need a diagram.
  
  * A VIRUS THAT DESTROYS ALL MP3s - not because
  we hate music, but the ubiquity of having all
  music available everywhere has stopped the
  recorded sound from being that special to us.
  (Obviously live music and making music is still
  fun.)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Hugs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Shrugs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @JudgeDewie,
  @YellowSphere, zog, @AnnMargaretC, &#8207;@uuilson,
  &#8207;@mattround, &#8207;@downatheel Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via PJP. Top tip via SonoraAeroClub.

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  TOP TIP:
  Pretend you're sitting at a piano while at your
  desk at work by placing two upside-down spoons
  between your feet.

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