NEWSLETTER: "B3TA BAILOUT TO TAKE 10% OF YOUR LOLS"
This Week:
* STREETVIEW - Nightmarishly unleashed
* ADSENSE - Comically misunderstood
* THE IMPERIAL DEATH STAR - an inside job?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dicking around
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | and hoping that no one
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| will make us stop"
B3ta email 573 - 22 March 2013
Read this issue whilst hoping you win lottery:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue573
Sub : [email protected]
Sob : [email protected]
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: BEEF HOUSE (SPONSORED LINK)
A brand new series from Mr Weebl!
Accused of selling 3% meat sausages by a
shadowy cabal of vegans, four of the world's
greatest meatmongers have gone underground as
butchers of fortune. They intend to clear
their names and right meat-based wrongs
wherever they find them. It's time to take a
trip to... the Beef House.
http://is.gd/BeefHouse
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gearshifts, Pope, StreetView, Steamers & Horse
>> 2 Fast 2 Many Gearshifts <<
"Help! I'm going a bit random," cries Black
Moon, as he fixates on the most important
elements of the 2 Fast 2 Furious action
franchise.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Fast_2_Many_Gearshifts
>> Pope Francis in 47 seconds <<
"Everything you wanted to know about the
happy-go-lucky Jesuit," promises Glen Do, of
Pithy News.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pope_Francis_in_47_secon...
>> The New View You <<
"A short film about Google Street View,"
informs Sheep! Which is underselling what is
basically the Inception of Street View.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_New_View_You
>> Unboxing the Russell Hobbs 9l 3-Tier Food Steamer <<
"God I love steaming," confesses
misterbrilliant, lovingly caressing the
pristine cardboard of his culinary powerhouse
(£29.99).
http://bit.ly/WJ4qdL
>> Professor Elemental - This is my horse <<
Thought it was about time for a new Professor
Elemental video," writes director Moog. "It's
rather fun, and we only missed a splendid news
related tie-in by a couple of weeks. But you
can pretend can't you? You're imaginative
folks." Please make the next one about the
Pope.
http://bit.ly/WJ4wCc
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Fight!
Last week we asked for a war to end all wars,
a fight to end all fights, a pathetic slanging
match to... you get the idea:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightclub/
* Lick boxing - "I've done various martial
arts since the age of four and was as chuffed
as nuts to get my black belt in Chinese kick
boxing. At one of our classes I was fighting
Big Tom. So named because he is called Tom and
big. Half-way into the class, Tom executes a
push kick. These are more of a push than a
kick, normally done at chest or stomach height
to push your opponent back & give you some
room. It's a straight kick, but involves you
thrusting your hip into it at the end to
generate the force to push them back. Tom
managed to plant his push kick right in my
face. The hip thrust tends to drag the foot
down, so the sole of his foot slid down my
face, dragging my lower lip and running it the
full length of his foot. We'd been training
for half an hour in bare feet on a carpet with
15 years of sweat, vomit and child piss soaked
into it. There are some things mints just
can't take away." (Draconacticus)
* Chips - "It was about 01:00 on a Saturday
morning in Belfast. A friend of mine was
talking to a woman when a spide (N. Irish
chav) sped past him on his moped, almost
sending the girl flying. It was just outside a
Chinese restaurant in a particularly crazy
part of the city, Shaftesbury Sq. All the bars
in the area get let out at once and it is
bedlam. The spide stopped a short distance up
the street where his mates were laughing like
a pack of hyenas. My friend shouted, "Try that
again you wee wanker and see what happens." He
sped towards them again, but my friend calmly
side-stepped, grabbed his collar and lifted
him off the moped as it continued down the
footpath. The spide landed on his back. My
friend lifted his visor, dumped his skelping
hot gravy chip into his face, and closed it
again. I wept." (hmsmajesty)
* Noob - "In the local, two arseholes started
having a go at each other. Harmless banter got
more and more heated. This developed to the,
'outside... NOW' threat. Outside they went,
along with a few of us to watch the scrap.
After a few minutes of blows it was quite
obvious that one of them had the upper hand.
As his opponent's nose got bloodier, he asked
'Have you fuckin' 'ad enough yet?' 'Don't
know,' came the reply, 'I've never been in a
fight before.'" (Ninj)
>> This Week - BRAIN FADE <<
Tried to open your door with your Oyster card?
Revel in the stupid here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> MP doesn't understand AdSense <<
Tory MP calls out Labour for a 'date Arab
girls' ad above their press release. They
gently break the news that the ad depends on
your own web browsing preferences. To be fair,
you should see the ads we get served. And the
Amazon recommendations. Mind-bending.
http://bit.ly/WJ4ACa
>> A cabinet made to look like a paused VHS tape <<
Italian designer makes furniture that looks
like a corrupted video image. For younger
readers: a VHS tape is video technology you
may have watched with your Dad, when you were
a baby, when you were visiting your Granny's
house. Hooray for hipster glitch-art eh?
http://bit.ly/16578xb
>> Dog in every photo of flat on craigslist ad <<
Charming series of photos where, presumably,
the dog has followed the owner round the flat,
hopeful for some fun times.
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/apa/3685181812.h...
>> Why do people draw knobs in video games? <<
Why do people draw knobs full stop? To get a
cheap laugh.
http://bit.ly/WRDdHg
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Some scenes filmed for entertainment purposes
>> The Death Star was an inside job <<
'Wake up, sheeple' time, as this
surprisingly convincing documentary
reconstructs the unlikely events of the
terrorist attacks on the heavily-fortified
Death Star. What really happened that day?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_really_happened_tha...
>> Extraordinary vocal range <<
Elderly man demonstrates his lifelong mastery
of the singing arts. You simply will not
believe your ears.
http://t.co/EbC2swyG4b
>> Beach Boys don't sound so good <<
We're absolute suckers for this genre of music
video redub - making excellent songs sound
like total shit. In this case, it's 'I Get
Around' with added clapping.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Eloquent pro-legalisation guy <<
Retired police captain lays out the
anti-prohibition drug legislation case, to
bemused daytime TV hosts. Genuinely good
points, interviewers seem out of their depth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eloquent_knowledge_guy
>> Impossible space in The Shining <<
Did director Stanley Kubrick deliberately make
the Overlook Hotel physically impossible, to
mess with viewers' heads? Almost certainly
yes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Jamie Oliver double entendre <<
The Naked Chef cut to pieces and reassembled
as 2 ½ minutes of sniggering innuendo.
Innuendo? InYOURendo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oh_no_he_didnt
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Vegetable Head Challenge
Last week we asked you to replace the heads of
the rich and famous with vegetables. Your
favourites included:
* SPROUT: Admiral Ackbar is particularly nice
with bacon at Christmas (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940295
* GREEN: another splendid hair-cut for the
potty-mouthed, broccoli-follicled actor Samuel
L. Jackson (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940714
* MEEP: more suffering for Beaker, as his
noggin is usurped by a Parsnip (barnesy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940646
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/vegetable-heads/
>> New challenge: Sea Life <<
Scientists have discovered life 11km under the
sea. To celebrate, they've asked us to set a
challenge: show us this new, underwater world
and other fishy pics, using Photoshop.
Challenge suggested by ferret.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sea-life/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DAVID CAMERON LIFESIZE CARDBOARD CUTOUT GOES
VIRAL WITH LOADS OF STUPID REVIEWS - we linked
this when it only had a couple of comments and
now it's taken off properly. "I was looking
for something to scare away the spiders that
will now be coming out of hibernation, this
should do the trick."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003JLT1H...
* DICK HYMAN - Ashley.kennerley writes,
"...mentioned on the Funny Name Corner has a
lot more to him than just a funny name. For
starters have a listen to him shredding James
Brown's 'Give It Up Or Turn It Loose' on
Moogs."
http://www.youtube.com/watch Mind melting.
Ashley continues, "If you want a musician with
a sexy name, what about Willie Colon?" Sounds
like a song to us, "Willie Colon plays the
trombone. Willie Colon plays the trombone.
Willie Colon plays the trombone. This is
absolutely true."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Col%C3%B3n
* DRAW SOME DONG STILL GOING STRONG - Tomos
Bell writes, "Still not expecting anything in
the newsletter, but you might like to know
that the drawsomedong blog is still going and
there are a LOT more CDCs on there now."
http://drawsomedong.tumblr.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include -
* SERIOUS PLANS TO REFORM THE DAILY MAIL -
hint: shouting on Twitter does little;
complaining to companies who advertise with
them would make the DM very nervous indeed.
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR SOCIAL MEDIA AND PORN -
productivity would rise about a billion
percent.
* CABLES THAT TELESCOPE TO ANY OLD LENGTH -
solve this and you'd be rich - we're just
looking at all the messy, wrong-length cables
knocking around our desk and going YUCK.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Kiss: [email protected]
Piss: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @christ,
@DickMandrake, simbosan, goatsmilkuk,Ken Putin,
‏@iainthomson, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
mr.dogshit, skeltonator, sinisterduck, krang,
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via
NoStrings. Subjlols via David "Dave" Stevenson.
The Shipping Forecast: Fans still rooting for
Angel & Buffy, sizeable minority for Spike &
Buffy, mentals for Giles & Faith.
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TOP TIP:
Make your own Heston Blumenthal by drawing
glasses on a potato.
