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NEWSLETTER: "NOT THAT YOU'LL READ IT UNTIL TUESDAY, YOU SKIVING TWATS"

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This Week:
* GHOST TOWN - Street View Fukushima
* ONE DIRECTION - dubbed in sinister foreign
* TEETH - Actresses without them

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Click like on Facebook
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for stuff you don't like
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  to confuse marketeers" 

B3ta email 574  - 29 March 2013

Read this issue wearing a small hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue574 

    Thumbs up :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Thumb's brown : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: KNIGHTHOOD & DECOY (SPONSORED LINK)
  Caped and incapable!

  Every city needs its superheroes. Unfortunately
  for London, it has KnightHood & Decoy. Not to be
  confused with Batman and Robin, who are awesome
  but less sweary. Watch them fight crime right
  now.
http://is.gd/KnighthoodAndDecoy
  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> New Cassetteboy <<
  The underage C90 male hominid writes, "Making
  famous people talk about penises again, you know
  the formula by now."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Cassetteboy


  >> A few new mutant hybrids I made for Conan <<
  Smearballs proving once again that bloke on
  stage + short clips is a brilliant format for
  comedy - he's got himself a great gig with Conan
  and he's producing career defining work.
http://bit.ly/11UXMFG


  >> Magical Piss <<
  "I have only gone and completed a new
  animation!" yells koit. "I mean, what's wrong
  with me !?" One man's unbridled joy at
  discovering his disgusting superpower. Brace
  yourself.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/magicalpiss.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Brain Fade
  
  Last week we asked for the stupid things you'd
  done on auto-pilot, leaving your brain gently
  snoring:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/

  * HAMBURG - "After a day shopping in Hamburg,
  I'd amassed four carrier bags of stuff, plus one
  fuckoff-sized bag containing a new suit, and
  then... 'Where the fuck is my train ticket?' I
  searched and searched. Yes, I had definitely
  lost it. Crap. Off to the ticket machines I
  went, and lightened the wallet. [2 hours of
  public transport rage omitted] When I came home,
  there was no car in the driveway. 'GermanGal
  must be grocery shopping', I say to myself.
  Luckily, I had only lost the ticket and not my
  keys. Opening the door, I was greeted by
  GermanGal and the two GermanDaughters. 'Where's
  the car?' ask I. Then it clicked. I'd only gone
  and forgotten the fucking CAR in a city 180km
  away. Went to the parking garage I usually use
  the next day, got back GermanRide, paid for
  another train ticket and overnight parking.
  Total cost to bank account: 143 Euros. Total
  profits for future Alzheimer's doc: probably
  millions. Total cost to dignity: infinite."
  (GermanGuy) 
  
  * FISH - "I went on holiday once and the taxi
  driver commented on the strong smell of fish in
  the back of his cab. 'I was too polite to
  mention it!' I replied brightly. 'Well it
  doesn't normally smell of fish in here.' 'I'm
  pretty sure its not me! I have many faults, but
  being a fish is absolutely not one of them and
  neither is my wife.' 'You've got a carrier bag
  of fish bones next to you.' I had. I'd taken a
  bag of fish bones into the taxi and popped my
  wife's hand luggage into the wheelie bin as we
  left. She roared with laughter. 'Never a dull
  moment with you!' she smiled, eyes shining as
  she ruffled my hair, 'I'm so glad I married
  you.' This last bit isn't true." (browser)
  
  * MELON - "One of my ex-colleagues used to
  suffer brain-fade on a regular basis, such as
  reaching into her handbag for her mobile and
  pulling out her home phone, or, on one occasion,
  her TV remote. My favourite though was the melon
  episode. She used to bring lunch every day.
  Nothing fancy, just a couple of sandwiches,
  maybe some crisps, and a slice of melon. One
  Monday, she complained that the melon she'd
  bought wasn't very nice; it was hard, a bit dry
  and not very tasty. Reasoning that it probably
  wasn't ripe, she soldiered on and said she'd put
  it somewhere warm to ripen up overnight. This
  happened again on Tuesday. And Wednesday. On
  Thursday she came into the office and announced
  that she'd found out why her melon wasn't very
  nice: It was a pumpkin." (Professor Kenny Martin)


  >> This Week - WINGING IT <<
  Ever had to improvise to get by? Did it work or
  just get you deeper into the shit? Tell us your
  tales of MacGyver-type genius and desperate hole
  digging:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Actresses without teeth <<
  Classic male fear - women without teeth - to be
  snogged by an ancient, toothless maw: grannies
  from hell. Next week? Vaginas with teeth dot
  tumblr la la la.
http://actresseswithoutteeth.tumblr.com 


  >> Ghost town Google Street View  <<
  Incredible. Use Google Street View to explore
  Fukushima nuclear ghost towns. Reminds us of
  reading On the Beach by Nevil Shute - where
  people in anti-radiation suits explored
  radioactive towns looking for life. Make sure
  you full-screen and rap along, "the Apocalypse
  will be Instagrammed."  
http://goo.gl/maps/oTnwQ  


  >> US Postal Service hates Atheists <<
  Footwear company Atheist Shoes has discovered
  that if they brand deliveries with their name,
  they're 10x more likely to go missing. Awful,
  but then Atheists are not allowed to hold
  public office in six US states, including
  Texas. 
http://www.atheistberlin.com/study


  >> Change your password now <<
  Apparently, the trick for a secure but memorable
  password is to take three disconnected words and
  jam them together - we now realise that Dog Man
  Star wasn't just a Brit Pop meets Prog 90s mess
  but Brett Anderson's attempt at creating a
  secure Hotmail password.
http://bit.ly/rXsQlB


  >> Thug kitchen <<
  If you like your recipe ideas very sweary and
  apparently pitched at the illiterate and
  educationally-subnormal then you're in luck.
http://thugkitchen.com/


  >> Nic Cage's Face On All 151 Pokemon <<
  Internet God Nicolas Cage appears to have
  obtained his status by gurning and overacting.
  Odd, considering how brilliant he was in Leaving
  Las Vegas.
http://pokemonxniccage.tumblr.com/ 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if your Gameboy Camera played video

  >> Movie references to Mainframe Computers <<
  Computers are used in Hollywood like magic was
  used in Grimm's fairy tales - to cover any random
  plot hole with some pixie dust. They can be a
  Macguffin, a Deus ex Machina and probably many 
  other pages from TVTropes simultaneously. 
http://bit.ly/ZndwNm


  >> One Direction badly dubbed into foreign <<
  Possibly the funniest thing you'll see this week
  - One Direction's over-emoting faces perfectly
  match your vaguely racist ideas of what goes on
  in serious European arthouse flicks. Watch with
  subtitles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYNJwpHWsBg


  >> Status Quo Action Movie  <<
  In what many are speculating can only exist as a
  tax dodge, Status Quo are making an action
  movie. It's a bit like watching your dad and his
  drongo mate living out their James Bond
  fantasies before putting on their slippers and
  voting UKIP.
http://bit.ly/102wvgt 


  >> Pope rap <<
  We've been watching quite a few Whitest Kids
  U'Know vids this week - mixed bag, some
  excellent some unwatchable but their Pope rap is
  on the money. Also worth looking up are Hippo in
  the City and their JFK assassination one. 
http://youtu.be/6TxjrHPHypA 

  
  >> Why you don't need to see Les Mis <<
  This 'Honest Trailer' for Les Misérables has
  never made us want to see a movie less.
http://youtu.be/IBYfA3zTxFE 


  >> Woody Allen supercut <<
  40-odd minutes of Woody Allen umming and ahhing
  - reminds us of all the great films he made
  before he shagged his stepdaughter - we
  particularly recommend Play It Again, Sam for the
  line, "We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. I
  spent the entire two weeks in bed... I had
  dysentery." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E34d7NXqPQ


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY - Accidental Alan Partridge 
  A vaguely amusing twitter twat to follow

  @edwardrussia writes, "Accidental Alan Partridge
  tweets are v funny." Yep, pointing out Jeremy
  Clarkson is a bit Partridgey is obvious but
  delicious.
https://twitter.com/AccidentalP


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: AMAZON TAT
  Crap and bollocks in e-commerce hell

  * MICROWAVE COOKING FOR ONE - If you've ever
  heard the Harry Nilsson song 'One is the
  loneliest number that you'll ever do' then here
  it is, served in a tragic single serving for
  a dinner that goes ping.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1565546660/b3ta-21 


  * FISTING - Baldychops confesses, "I've been
  reviewing Vaseline on Amazon."   
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B0042280CM/b3ta-21


  * SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT WANKING - We suspect
  'Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a
  Technique for Business Success' only exists so
  that people, like us, link to it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1478296127/b3ta-21 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the sea life challenge

  Scientists have discovered life 11km under the
  sea. To celebrate, they've asked us to set a
  challenge: show us this new underwater world and
  other fishy pics, using Photoshop. 
   
  Our favourites included:
 
  * PAEDOFISH - quite why this abomination was
  tolerated in our seas for so long is anyone's
  guess - maybe he was mates with Neptune or
  something. (orbojunglist)
http://b3ta.com/board/10943611
 
  * JEREMY THE ANNOYING SEAHORSE - charming work
  from Fresh Water Mole.
http://b3ta.com/board/10943129
  
  * BIRO ART FISH - when NobbyNobody isn't making
  UndeadTeds he's still biromashing.
http://b3ta.com/board/10942955
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sea-life/popular


  >> New challenge: Irrational Science <<
  If irrational nonsense was scientific fact, what
  would the side effects be?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/

  BTW: Ben Goldacre has got in touch noticing
  we've used his photo. You should def buy his
  book - it's ace.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007350740/b3ta-21


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PSYCHIC LIGHT BULBS -  tuned to human
  consciousness so, as sleep takes hold, the
  light fades, preventing 2am waking & ARGH! 
  THE BRIGHTNESS!

  * EASY MANGOS - The banana is perfect, it has
  its own biodegradable packaging. When will
  genetic engineers make a mango that works the
  same? Or a pork chop?

  * SILENT DRUM KITS - would love a proper drum
  kit but our neighbours wouldn't. We realise the
  mark of the truly bourgeois is having the space
  to pursue antisocial hobbies without alienating
  people.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Fuck us:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Fuck off:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt round,
  @tomfoot1, @masakepic, @tsmith9641,
  @TheMichaelMoran18s, @edmorrish, Rich Annexia,
  @olivia_solon2m Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via  Pedantichrist.
  If you watch your life backwards all your shitty
  MP3s get replaced with cool vinyl but your penis
  shrinks.

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make a decent cup of tea in about 20 seconds.
  After you've filled the cup with boiling water
  and squidged the bag about a bit, microwave it
  for 10 seconds (no more), squidge bag, out,
  milk, done. As a bonus, it's not just proper "5
  min brew" strong, but proper hot, too. (MrOli)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1902906

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