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NEWSLETTER: "A VILE PRODUCT OF INTERNET CULTURE"

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This Week:
* AMISH SEX PISTOLS - vs. Amish Bill Grundy
* VOYEURS - in 70s Tokyo
* REASONABLE DEBATE - on the internet!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   for homeless spiders"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 575  - 5 APR 2013

Read this issue whilst slurping a moon cup:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue575 

   Cake :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Uncake : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored linkage)
  Junk and stupid reviews

  * RUBBERBAND GUN  - so cheap that we're going
    to buy two:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AXJFTK4/b3ta-21 

  * SPAM COSTUME - there's part of us that thinks
    this is only for dreadful unfunny cunts, but maybe
    that's exactly what we are because we're
    secretly quite amused by it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000O0JQ3I/b3ta-21 

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  EU, Guide Dogs, Pop, Cake and Islam

  >> Live from EU Parliament <<
  "That's what this is," claims Cap'n. "A totally
  serious political debate. With character
  animation and explosions by HappyToast! It has
  fighting and man nipples. Woooo!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/LIVE_FROM_EU_PARLIAMENT


  >> Tony the happy sociopath <<
  "I made a cartoon the other day about a happy
  go lucky sociopath named Tony," informs mung.
  "And as it features a little cameo from
  long-time B3ta favourite Brian Blessed, I
  thought I'd send it your way."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lkv235-DInM


  >> 30 Years of Now Music <<
  @JoeScaramanga invites us to "Take a journey
  through 30 years of Now! albums." Packed with
  diverting showbiz trivia. 
http://www.now-music.co.uk/


  >> "Hello world" cake with chocolate sauce <<
  "The recipe for this cake is also a functioning
  computer program," writes madsporkmurderer.
  "There's a programming language that exists
  purely to make programs written in it look like
  recipes. I wrote one that makes a proper cake,
  then baked myself one to make sure it worked."
http://bit.ly/X74PqH


  >> How to talk about Islam <<
  Nothing to say about this one. Cheers
  somegreybloke.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_talk_about_Islam


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Winging it
  
  Last week we asked if you'd ever improvised
  desperately to get by. And whether it worked:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/

  * VIDEO ENGINEER - "Several years ago my wife,
  two kids, some friends and their two kids were
  happily sat on a Boeing 747 heading for some
  sunshine and silliness in Orlando. We tried to
  entertain/contain our excited offspring with
  those little headrest screens but they would
  play for a few seconds, freeze, then restart.
   
  "At that time I was a 'TV engineer' which
  meant I worked in a back-street repair shop.
  Irked by my kids' complaints, I asked a
  passing stewardess what was up. 'I am sorry
  Sir but the system is playing up, we'll
  hopefully get it resolved soon.' I don't know
  why; it just fell out of my mouth: 'Well, I'm
  a video engineer, I could have a look.' She
  smiled and said nothing, but returned a few
  minutes later, 'You're a video engineer? If
  you wouldn't mind, I would be very grateful.'
  What could I do? I grabbed my friend for moral
  support. 

  "At the front of the plane, I was shown a bank
  of 8mm video players, all stopping and
  starting. 'They are controlled by this,' she
  said and pointed at a small PC screen. I
  logged in with her help but not a clue what to
  do next. By now there were three crew watching
  me. I was beginning to sweat when my friend
  whispered in my ear, 'It's a computer: turn it
  off and on again.' Brilliant! Log off, wait
  for the screen to go blank then turn the big
  red power switch, wait a moment, then back on
  again. 

  "At this point the pilot rang and she said a
  passenger was looking at the video system.
  'Who do you work for Sir?' Erm.... 'Sony?' I
  read off the video player logo. But I logged
  back in, the players sprang to life and
  worked! I returned to my seat a hero, to
  rounds of applause from the passengers. We
  were given two bottles of champagne as a
  thank-you. Fixing a 747 in flight is something
  for my CV."
(mrb36)
  
  * PERL PROGRAMMER - "Out of the blue, a friend
  working in California for an online music company,
  called me up and offered me a month's work. 
  Consultant rates, free accommodation, San Francisco.
  I think I left scorch marks on the doormat as I
  headed for the airport. 

  "The only problem was that the job was
  programming in Perl, a language I'd never
  used, in fact never even seen. As a 'fire
  fighter', brought in to save the project, I
  would be expected to get stuck into the work
  first thing on day one. No 'getting up to
  speed' for me. So I bought a book on the way
  to the airport, planning to spend the flight
  cramming. 

  "As soon as we had reached cruising altitude,
  I got out the thick book and turned to the
  first chapter. Which was titled, with alarming
  prescience, 'Perl from 37,000 feet'"
(moon monkey)

  * CLOWN - "If anyone ever asks you to help them
  out at a kids' party by dressing up as a clown
  and entertaining the children, DO NOT DO IT.
  Those little fuckers can smell the fear of a
  first-timer and their favourite game is Let's
  Twat The Clown. Started off winging it, ended
  up legging it."
(Smash Monkey)


  >> This Week - SURPRISE <<
  Some people just don't like surprises, regardless
  of the effort you've put in. Ever planned a 
  surprise and had it go horribly wrong (or even
  spectacularly well)? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/surprise/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Park voyeurs in 1970s Tokyo <<
  Creepy set of photos of the Japanese equivalent
  of dogging. *Insert your own joke about the
  Korean equivalent of dogging*
http://slate.me/XbcQLt


  >> Casemod your cat with cardboard <<
  If you've got a cat, a patient cat, here's an
  idea for you to try this evening.
http://bit.ly/10yHBco 


  >> People Being Reasonable on the Internet <<
  Timely reminder that internet discourse isn't
  just twats shouting at each other.
http://funni.ly/X8VXkz


  >> Robot-shaming <<
  Along the same lines as pet-shaming -
  interesting how these get more and more
  scientifically nit-picky as they progress.
http://robotshaming.tumblr.com/ 


  >> Distance to Mars <<
  Clever, pixel-based illustration of just how
  far Earth really is from the Red Planet. 
http://www.distancetomars.com/ 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like cinema but with bring your own popcorn 
&#8207;
  *  BEARDED MAN MIMES CARLY RAE JEPSEN ON
  CHATROULETTE - We've seen this guy before,
  doing Lady Gaga, but the format is irresistible
  - proving once again it's reaction shots that
  make comedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAQhG59zqZc


  * AMERICAN PSYCHO RE-MADE WITH HUEY LEWIS
  Brilliant spoof of Christian Bale's finest
  role, although Huey could have done with
  practising the moonwalking a few more times.
http://bit.ly/10wcP3K 


  * AMISH SEX PISTOLS - A sketch so lovingly made
  it's not really comedy, but high art beamed in
  from a parallel universe.
http://bit.ly/16wiQz9


  * HOME VIDEO DVD COMMENTARY - Two brothers
  doing a DVD-style commentary to their old 
  home movies.
http://youtu.be/kLElgnjVCpU 


  * MEN OFFLOADING CONCRETE PIPE FROM LORRY
  You know exactly how this is going to play out,
  but that doesn't stop it being funny. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aofm8cO_7c4


  * OLD FOOTAGE OF BOY GEORGE - presenting a new
  recording to American record company boss, who
  grovels unconvincingly in the office whilst
  eating roast dinner. Anyone who's had any
  contact with the music industry will watch this
  with grim recognition.
http://t.co/fgm09gFb7t


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  @TlfTravelAlerts

  Example tweets include:

  * Due to line managers not paying their monthly
  tithes to the Rat King, there are delays on the
  Jubilee line.

  * Chaos on the Central line due to a maverick
  train who plays by its own rules, dammit. It's
  getting punctual results, though, so fair play.

  * St Jame's's' Park station is temporarily
  closed due to an abundance of apostrophe's's

https://twitter.com/TlfTravelAlerts


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the irrational science challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate bad science.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * PSYCHIC GOOGLE - search engines and cold
  reading together at last. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10946526  
 
  * FACEBOOK DOCTOR - best not show the Government
  this idea; it'll give them ideas to reduce NHS
  funding even further. (happy toast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10945300  
  
  * HOW CHINESE MEDICINE WORKS - the reference to
  dinosaurs makes this. (fatbouy) 
http://b3ta.com/board/10945313  

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/

  >> New challenge: Pop Letters <<
  This week's challenge is take to an artist, add
  or remove a single letter, and 'shop the
  results. Think Nine Inch Snails. Or Britney
  Pears. Or Blurp. Challenge and lead image by
  Dr.Dunno.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SORRY TO SEE THEM GO - deadpidge writes,
  "Sirs. Once again I must thank you for saving
  me the weekly trouble of scouring the web for
  the stuff that makes me think, cry, drink,
  smoke, breathe and occasionally piss myself
  laughing but more frequently just piss myself.
  Unfortunately, now that I am unemployed, I fear
  I can no longer afford my subscription and I
  humbly request a full refund."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SEX
  
  * MONEY
  
  * POWER

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Cats:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @essers,
  @TheMichaelMoran4m, @meat2veg, custard,
  kevthedrummer, @therePaulPowers, &#8207;@andymalt,
  JeremyBeadlesHands, &#8207;@gotimmy, Ken Putin
  &#8207;@thesaharadesert, @sarahditum46m,
  and @SimonNRicketts.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tip via SonoraAeroClub.
  Subjlols via chthonic.

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  TOP TIP:
  Make reference to a momentous yet tragic event
  in 20th Century history by shouting "OH THE
  HUMANITY!!" every time a balloon bursts.

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