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NEWSLETTER: "AMERICAN TV IS NOW MAKING BLACK PEOPLE SING FOR GAS?"

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This Week:
* CAR CHASE - with MicroMachines
* CALL GIRLS - review analysis
* CHOCTOPUS - Joel's kitchen secrets

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Still ASCII after      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   all these years"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 581  - 17 May 2013

Stick this in your cyber pipe & e-smoke it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue581

   Hitlers :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Quitlers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored)
  Su Pollard Phone Case
  
  Baldychops writes, "Baldychops here again. Well
  I'd like to say a big thanks for featuring my
  Amazon wanking review in last week's
  newsletter. I'd also like to give a big 'woo'
  to all those who clicked that they found my
  review helpful.  In less than 72 hours I've
  gone from reviewer ranking 320,321 to 1005 with
  a 95% rating! I sat there with my cock in my
  hand all weekend watching the results as they
  came in, and I got some idea of what it must
  have been like for Rage Against the Machine to
  suddenly be plucked from obscurity to the
  heights of the top of the charts.  It made me
  think that what a wonderful thing it would be
  for masturbation to be at number one on Amazon
  one day.  Let's face it, it's the oldest hobby
  in the world. To celebrate I've fucked a Su
  Pollard phone sock:"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007R2VPRG/b3ta-21 

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> "I'm Shit At Catchphrase" <<
  A proud boast from jonofthesouth, who's really
  captured the vibe of being bundled on the sofa,
  off work, watching daytime TV and full of yummy
  tramadol. "Like a David Lynch film beamed from
  another planet," as b3tan Joe Scaramanga puts
  it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Shit_At_Catchphrase


  >> Man vs scammer <<
  "I thought I could end my flat hunt when I saw
  this shamefully too good to be true flat on
  Gumtree," writes woahbot. "I popped 'em an
  email, received the magic words 'Western
  Union', rolled my eyes and, before I could
  groan in disappointment, 'Fred' was calling me
  to squeeze some cash out of me. 'I'm not trying
  to scam you'!"
http://bit.ly/10xxlmO


  >> Eurovision five-word reviews <<
  "For those of you who like Europe's finest
  music competition," writes admiral crunch, "I
  thought I'd make some bitchy remarks about this
  year's entries." A handy reference, so you
  don't have to watch, listen to, or even think
  about it.
http://blog.husey.co.uk/review-eurovision-2013/


  >> What Pen? Parker Jotter review <<
  Pig Face Turnip continues his pioneering
  consumer service video series. Our fave bit is
  the well-chosen raving from Amazon reviewers.
  Can they really be *that* into it? What's wrong
  with them?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Pen


  >> Choctopus <<
  "I FEEL A BIT QUEASY," booms big, bad Joel
  Veitch, wiping tentacle and confectionery from
  his supple, pouting lips. Fact: all of Heston
  Blumenthal's outtakes look like this.
http://b3ta.com/links/Choctopus


  >> Meme-filled music vid <<
  "I've squeezed a few memes and b3ta characters
  in, as well as some vertigo and cat stuntwork.
  Cracking tune too," entices Happy Toast. "It
  took me a month to make!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Sam_Sallon_Long_Way_Down:2


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  My Saviour

  Last week we were inspired by Ed Milliband's
  new cyclist-rescuing super-hero status and
  wanted to know who you'd rescued or been
  rescued by:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/

  * RUN - "I took part in an organised charity
  run and managed to keep pace with a cute
  looking girl. My only goal was finishing the
  race before her. That was it. Sadly, I was
  unfit and fat, and she quickly shook me off her
  tail. Imagine my surprise when, near the finish
  line, I see her lagging. I reclaimed that lost
  distance and just as I glided past her, she
  stopped and vomited all over her trainers. I'd
  love to say I stopped and helped but I just
  thought, 'Fuck that...' and carried on running.
  And, like most encounters I have with women, I
  finished before her."
(plant)

  * BAG - "I am a real super-hero. About a year
  ago I spotted a woman in the city centre
  struggling with a load of shopping that had
  fallen all over the floor because her carrier
  bag had broken. I had a carrier bag in my
  pocket, so, quick as a flash, I walked over,
  handed her the bag and said, "Would this help?"
  She looked back, smiled and said, "Thank you."
  I then seamlessly melted back into the crowd.
  From that day forward I vowed to always carry a
  carrier bag with me to rescue of those
  unfortunate enough to suffer the same fate. So
  far I have helped 3 others. No one knows my
  identity, no one knows where I come from, no
  one knows where I disappear to, no one knows if
  I'll be there to help when their bag breaks,
  all they know is that I AM CARRIER BAG MAN."
(The invisable man)

  * CAT - "Rolling back from a club one morning
  in a mildly chemical state, my mate spotted a
  cat bobbing in the water. With no thought for
  his own safety or comfort he plunged in to the
  murky depths and spluttered his way to the
  distressed animal. And that's how he rescued a
  block of polystyrene from the Leeds Liverpool
  canal."
(Dr. Shambolic)


  >> This Week - EMERGENCY SERVICES <<
  Tell us your tales of the police, ambulance
  workers, firefighters, and - dammit - the
  coastguard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Mumble art <<
  There's a man in Glasgow, who remembers what
  people say to him, and then goes home and draws
  it. Maybe someone should cut off the booze
  supply to Glasgow.
http://thefolkyebumpintae.wordpress.com/


  >> Get Clucky <<
  The Nigerian spammers contracted by Daft Punk
  to turn out 40,000 memetic variations of Get
  Lucky, to convince people the song is popular,
  are now half-way through their project with a
  midi / chicken cover version. Next week? If you
  slow Get Lucky down 1000% it turns into the
  fear that washes over your body at midnight,
  when you remember you've wasted your entire
  life and you've got no one.
http://bit.ly/1460LZh


  >> Analysis of call girl reviews <<
  The biggest insight being that it's all sort of
  matter of fact - like a site reviewing washing
  machines. And why wouldn't it be? As aren't
  prostitutes essentially washing machines of the
  soul, with spunk being the Daz whitener? 
http://bit.ly/ngNEzk

  
  >> I don't want your fucking app <<
  Website apps are pointless - if you design your
  site properly it'll work fine on a small
  screened browser - so it's rage-inducing to
  visit a site on your phone and be constantly
  told to INSTALL A FUCKING APP. No! We'd rather
  cut off our cock, stick it in a Breville and
  then sell it on eBay.
http://idontwantyourfuckingapp.tumblr.com/


  >> Oh, "lol", ironic reviews <<
  Rhod writes, "Periodically the Samsung Push
  Service gets updated via the Google Play store.
  The reviews have to be the funniest things I
  have read in a long time - well worth looking
  at."
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.sec.spp.push


  >> Instagram's Teenage Superstars <<
  One of the joys of the internet when we were
  young was it was an area we could succeed in
  despite our horrific looks. Those days are
  gone. If you want to be web-popular, be pretty
  and young. That sounds a bit paedo and it
  probably is.
http://bit.ly/13xhiqp


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if jpegs could move and talk
  
  >> Stop-motion MicroMachines car chase <<
  Whoever directed this has a future making Fast
  & Furious eleventy billion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/998498


  >> Kitten + lizards = fun <<
  What other exciting animals could you next
  introduce to kittens to see their reaction?
  Lions?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1000626


  >> London 1927 <<
  Video of London in 1927 - would be great to
  film the same locations now and run them side
  by side. Anyone got a budget for that?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_1927


  >> Dr Bees <<
  Bee-based comedy that will stop being funny
  once all the bees are dead and the plants won't
  pollinate and we all die. Or maybe we'll be
  laughing in our graves.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Bees


  >> Sad Cat Diary <<
  A reminder that the best comedy doesn't always
  come from your super-leet AfterEffects skills,
  but good writing. Ha, leet. Remember when
  people said that? The kids who popularised that
  are now your curmudgeonly boss.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sad_Cat_Diary


  >> Cunty parent of the week award <<
  The joy of mobile phones is that, if you're a
  dreadful parent, you can now share it with the
  rest of the world. That's why Microsoft
  invented them.
http://www.prochan.com/embed?f=708_1368040652


  >> Dog wants sausage <<
  As there's nothing we can add to this video in
  commentary, instead here's a joke we tried to
  make up that doesn't really work: Why do all
  catholic priests fuck kids? Confirmation bias.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_really_want_the_sausage


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the New Vehicles Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent 
  exciting vehicles. Your favourites included:
 
  * ZOMBIES: dreaded twelve-legged undead 
    sled ahead (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10962476
  
  * CLARKSON: pop-powered sportster undone
    by pill injection (barryheadwound)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10963380
  
  * CART: moggie-driven carriage proves to be
    regrettable ride (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964192
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/


  >> New challenge: Star Wars UK <<
  It has been announced that the 7th Star Wars
  film will be made in the UK. Boot up Photoshop
  and show Disney and Lucas etc how their
  characters might cope while filming in the UK
  and just how British the new film could be.
  Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really would like to see include:

  * LABOUR-UKIP COALITION - Imagine how angry
  politics is going to be if this is only
  Government formable in 2015. A sitcom right
  there. (This is a lie, we wouldn't like to see
  this)

  * A MAGIC DEVICE THAT READS LORD SUGAR'S TWEETS
  IN THE VOICE OF BRIAN BUTTERFIELD - What's the
  difference between Lord Sugar and Brian
  Butterfield? About 8 stone.
  
  * TOP 50 CONCATENATOR - we've never managed
  more than a few clicks into those lists that
  split across 50 pages, each click giving you a
  paragraph, another picture and another ad. What
  about a magic button that folds them into one
  page? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Hi:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bye:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jonofthesouth,
  MadCatMan, The Scrunt, Fadgebadger, Amadeus,
  Tusk, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, fred zeppelin,
  jonofthesouth. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Marn.
  Top tip via username failed moderation.
    
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  TOP TIP:
  Make people think you have a lift in your house
  by cutting a hole in the ceiling of your
  hallway cupboard and putting a ladder through
  it, allowing you to climb through to the upper
  floor of your house, behind the closed cupboard
  door.

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