we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "CEILING NSA IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* DAFT PUNK - Superpowerless beatbox cover
* HITLER - secret bunker pics
* MORRISSEY - styled Dickens homage

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   lols for you..."
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 584  - 7 June 2013

Read this issue in a sexy low voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue584 

   Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Fucknuts : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: CHOCK A BLOCK - IOS PUZZLE GAME
  Sponsored link

  "Claymore Games' new puzzle game for iOS! Hate
  freemium, IAPs and all this social nonsense?
  Want to play at your own pace? Then you'll want
  to give Chock A Block a go. Please, I don't want
  to have to get a real job."
http://bit.ly/12k7O45 (link to iTunes)

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Daft Punk remade using mouth noises <<
  "I covered Get Lucky by Daft Punk," beatboxes
  Superpowerless. "Using only mouth noises :D"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1012466


  >> Actual Springwatch <<
  A spring enthusiast? You need "Actual
  Springwatch with Derek Bitchtits".
  jonofthesouth has really captured that 1980s
  school TV vibe.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Actual_Springwatch


  >> Dogs discuss back problems <<
  "This is a real conversation from my mum, dad
  and friend," confesses pi bennett, of this
  Creature Comforts-esque offering. "No-one
  knew/knows I recorded it!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Back_Problems


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION FOR THE WEAK
  Kids say the shittiest things

  Two weeks ago, we asked about the funny,
  distressing or just plain weird things that
  children say. Then our Question of the Week man
  went on holiday and we forgot all about it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/

  * CHURCH - One Sunday morning, my 4-year-old
  self was leaning over the edge of the chapel
  gallery, chin rested in my hands, knowing that
  a final "go in peace to love and serve the
  Lord" was all that stood between us and
  freedom. This particular priest was renowned
  for ensuring that Mass lasted the entire hour,
  but today he was ten minutes early. Glancing at
  his watch and having seen his predicament he
  announced "We will now sing the processional
  hymn once more..." A resigned silence descended
  on the gathering. From my elevated perch, I
  piped up. "Ah, for fuck's sake." It was a long
  10 minutes until we went in peace. (masakatsu)

  * CASTLE - "My sister and nephew came to visit
  me when I was a student and I took them to the
  obligatory visit to Stirling Castle. My nephew
  was only five at the time, and found this
  rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging
  him saying 'We'll soon be there!' and 'It's an
  amazing castle, you'll love it!' When we got to
  the top of the hill, there was the restored
  splendour of the castle itself, with its
  elaborate facade with gargoyles and
  sinister-looking mythical creatures. My nephew
  burst into tears. 'Oh, oh, what's wrong?' I
  asked, all concerned. 'I THOUGHT IT WAS A
  BOUNCY CASTLE!'" (chinaman)

  * CASUAL RACISM AND HOMOPHOBIA - "My aunt
  worked at a primary school. One day she's
  supervising the little chitlins when one of
  them comes up to her and asks: 'Miss... am I a
  homo or a paki?' You can imagine the outrage
  that flashes through my auntie's mind in the
  moments following. She's already worked out the
  first half of the interrogation routine and
  mentally looked up the phone number of the
  child's parents. Thankfully, being a Scot in a
  Scottish school, she translated the local
  patter into the Queen's and figured out what
  the child actually meant: 'Begging your pardon,
  madame, but would you happen to know whether I
  am marked down as a home lunch or a packed
  lunch?' Darndest things, indeed." (lki)


  >> THIS WEEK: SPOILERS <<
  Tell us how things have been ruined for you,
  apart from QOTW obviously.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/spoilers/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Cat doesn't like anything <<
  Just a GIF, but what a GIF. Please, hater-cat,
  please find something that you enjoy!
http://i.imgur.com/3KqMoRi.gif


  >> Chinese Photoshop Trolls - Part 3 <<
  We ran a story on these guys a while back, but
  they keep getting better. Trolls offer their
  retouching services for free, deliberately
  misunderstand their clients' instructions.
http://bit.ly/16BDdAe


  >> Is this computer desk taking a shit? <<
  Bad, bad industrial design.
http://bit.ly/10VxQrC


  >> Secret photos of Hitler's bunker <<
  Photographer Robert Conrad risked his safety
  and freedom, sneaking in to document Hitler's
  bunker, while it was in the process of being
  dismantled by the East German government in
  1987. Eye-opening stuff.
http://bit.ly/18Rpp4Y


  >> Sutton Coldfield's sneezing world record <<
  Back in the 70s, Tricia Reay managed to hold
  the world record, sneezing constantly for 194
  days. Her achievement is commemorated here,
  with a lovely bluegrass song about it, by
  Record Breakers Roy Castle.
http://bit.ly/18TlgLe


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Watch in 240p, like TV from your childhood

  >> Christopher Lee's heavy metal album <<
  Like most 91-year-olds, legendary horror star
  Christopher "Saruman" Lee has made an
  ultra-heavy metal album. Preview and a little
  interview here. The man is an icon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTfFXrVJcNQ


  >> Charles Dickens is Morrissey <<
  Horrible Histories outdoes itself again, with
  this clever, tuneful, fact-packed homage to
  both the Smith and the author of Martin
  Chuzzlewit. Yet another proof of our theory
  that 'kids TV is now the best TV'. Although, to
  be fair, we did have to class Breaking Bad as
  'educational'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010719


  >> There's things worth rioting about, EDL <<
  Comedian Mitch Benn sings and education to the
  EDL on things they *should* be getting angry
  about, instead of being a bunch of ignorant,
  racist cunts.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Because_fuck_off_racists


  >> Billy Bragg's 'Handyman Blues' <<
  A constellation of comedy names in Billy
  Bragg's new video about middle-aged manliness
  anxiety. Directed by Johnny Vegas, spot Ricky
  Glover, Stewart Lee and Bob the Builder
  himself, Neil Morrissey.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Braggs_Handyman_Blues


  >> Real actors read Christian forums <<
  Some easy lols to be had with this series of
  highly dramatic readings of semi-literate forum
  nonsense. Personal favourite, "there's no proof
  of apes".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010220


  >> Twerking in public <<
  Utterly unburdened by shame, comic Mawaan
  Rizwan takes his booty to twerk the streets.
  He's great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeC8wAqxrVo


-------------------------------------------------

: BEST OF USVSTH3M
  The other project partly run by team B3ta

  * 14 kinds of Facebook people you want to
  block, but you can’t because they’re sort of
  your friends
http://bit.ly/1b6GO6j

  * Ghost stations of the London Underground on
  the classic Tube map
http://bit.ly/11p5Tbm

  * The Homophobatron - anti-gay marriage
  arguments that make as much sense as the real
  ones
http://bit.ly/14Fdu3l


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Gnomes Challenge

  Last week we asked you to celebrate the
  Gnome

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WINDOWS: computer security receives
  be-hatted elfen makeover (E Dunya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969116  
    
  * TRENCH: war horrors portrayed bleakly 
  with gremlin soldiers (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969991
  
  * BISCUIT: hungry mouse devours infinite 
  bourbon cream (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10968801
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/Gnomes/


  >> New challenge: Board Games <<
  This week's pictorial task is to 
  infiltrate real-life situations with 
  board games, and with characters from 
  said games. Challenge suggested by 
  HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board-games/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AN IDEAS GENERATOR FOR THE THREE THINGS WE'D
  LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
  
  * LIFTS WITH GLASS FLOORS - imagine how scary
  that would be? There's one in New Zealand, we'd
  like on closer.
  
  * THE DINOSAURS RECREATED ON THEIR OWN ISLAND -
  we don't see how that could go wrong.



  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    Kisses:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Pisses:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fork, 
  The Great Architect, @copybeard, eXOBeX,
  @paradisecircus, Amorous Badger, Ten U Us,
  HappyToast, Sheriff John Bunnell, 
  Sanderson Jones.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Jeccius. 
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Fancy a fun night out but can't afford to? Stay
  in instead. (2 Can Chunder)

next issue »
« previous issue