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This Week:
* WASPS - beware the Garden Defender
* McAFEE - uninstalls McAfee Antivirus
* SICKTIONARY - The rude euphemism thesaurus

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   web to smoke it 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     and get high"

B3ta email 586  - 21st Jun 2013

Lick this newsletter with your iTongue: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue586 

   Bubs :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Tubs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (Affiliate link)
  Expensive cable / funny reviews
  
  bsplendens84 writes, "Searching for network
  backbone cabling I came across this Denon AKDL1
  Dedicated Link Cable, for $400 on Amazon... with
  what has to be the funniest review page to go
  with it. With apparent features promising things
  from locally solving global warming to a
  spontaneous re-growth of lost limbs (assuming
  you've followed the 'directional connection
  indicators') I think it's quite a find. Mine's
  already in the post."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-20

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making snot via hay-fever

  >> Looking For Keegan <<
  "Here's a sketch we made about Kevin Keegan."
  beams SeldomDiffer. A young lad, coming of age,
  seeks guidance from his footballing hero.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Looking_For_Keegan:2


  >> The Garden Defender <<
  "DO YOU HATE WASPS??" demands DefyingDarwin.
  Amazing infomercial - we would buy one in a
  second. NSFW sweary, if that's going to be a
  problem.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Garden_Defender:2


  >> Rude Euphemism Thesaurus <<
  What's the best rude term for penis? How about
  for vagina? Sicktionary aims to provide the
  definitive answers to these and similar
  questions. Submit your own, judge which is best
  in Battle Mode, look at graphs, listen to the
  sat-nav voice guy try to talk dirty - Rob & Tom
  Scott lavished a lot of love on this. Which is a
  euphemism we're about to submit.
http://sicktionary.usvsth3m.com/


  >> Nature Watch - Riding my Dolphin <<
  "When TV biologists love their animals a little
  too much..." begins BIG FACE, this sort of thing
  is bound to happen.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nature_Watch_Riding_my_Dolphin


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  School Assemblies
  
  Personally, the worst assembly I ever attended
  was the one that Margaret Thatcher turned up
  to, but these have a lot more farting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolassemblies/

  * SHUDDER - "Our last assembly of school. The
  teachers emerged from the fug of the staff room,
  reeking of smoke, to do a 'gang show' of sorts.
  It started amicably enough with one teacher
  weaving as many surnames as possible into a
  short story. Skip to the end. The grand finale.
  Miss Wells. Horn-rimmed glasses, prim, proper,
  fierce. Retiring with us, that year. The
  headmistress no less. The lights dimmed. The
  music started. *That* music. Often promising,
  rarely portentous. But of course, context is
  key. Dressed in chiffon and rose-coloured
  taffeta with a feather boa to boot, she proceed
  to gyrate in what we can only assume she thought
  was an alluring manner. Layer one I can't
  remember clearly, but layers two and three are
  etched indelibly... a black negligee, the merest
  suggestion of stockings and suspenders. Oh. My.
  God. For the love of all things bright and
  beautiful, please stop there. And then the
  negligee came off. Really Miss Wells, what were
  you thinking? That we were all biddy fiddlers?
  Did you lose a bet? We will never know."
  (Countryslicker)

  * PARP - "At primary school, my friend George
  was so shy that he would do almost anything to
  avoid attention. Usually this was disastrous,
  such as queuing up for gym class naked because
  that was somehow preferable, in his mind, to
  admitting that he'd forgotten his kit. Anyway.
  My favourite memory was when, afraid to fart as
  our genteel Scottish headmistress read a bible
  story, he held it in until it literally whistled
  out through clenched butt-cheeks with a sound
  like a boiling kettle. He sat there still
  cross-legged, visibly straining, with a face
  like an angry Buddha. It was so weird that even
  a large group of 5-9 year olds looked on in
  stunned silence for a moment before collapsing
  in giggles. George had to go and sit outside the
  hall." (SnowyTheRabbit)

  * OHP - "The overhead projector played a key
  role in school assemblies. Responsibility for
  the OHP was not offered lightly. It involved
  replacing slides when asked, and also altering
  the height of the projector if necessary by
  adding or removing books to the pile on which it
  rested. This took initiative. I was only trusted
  with the task once. Red haired and prone to
  allergies, an unexpected sneeze blasted strings
  and blobs of bogies onto the machine, which were
  then displayed to the hall three or four feet
  high in glorious 80s technicolor." (browser)


  >> This Week - Social Media Meltdowns <<
  Ever said something you've regretted on the
  internet? Know somebody who posts first and asks
  questions later? Dob them in to us, the internet
  police.
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialmediameltdowns/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Educational toy or sex toy? <<
  A strange device for children with sensory
  difficulties to chew instead of the tops of
  pens. 'T' shaped so they don't swallow. The
  shaft diameter is 15mm. Which is,
  co-incidentally, the diameter of the average
  penis.
http://bit.ly/11rkovM


  >> Finally, someone won Facebook! <<
  We're all free to leave!
http://bit.ly/1bZsuwR


  >> Cloud storage. <<
  Looks dead handy.
http://prism.andrevv.com/


  >> Gallery of guys with imaginary girlfriends <<
  Not only are they entirely not sad, they're very
  slick with Photoshop too. Our tip to young men
  without lady interest? Cover yourself in Lynx
  deodorant - ladies love it.
http://bit.ly/11ZRZMZ


  >> Council communication of the year <<
  Won by Bristol City Council. Go them.
http://i.imgur.com/r4HzPMk.jpg


  >> One woman's struggle to re-use a cake tin <<
  She tries so hard. But it's shaped like a cock.
http://bit.ly/12GMo1l


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with a spunk-flecked screen

  >> 7 seconds that'll make you laugh <<
  This is still going round our head an hour
  later. Watch it twice, nay watch it four times
  and you'll still have time to boil an egg.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Who_you_gonna_call:2


  >> 9 secs that'll make you laugh slightly less <<
  Hopefully this is a new trend - short and funny,
  it certainly makes consuming web comedy less
  tiresome. (Yes we know about those 5 second
  video guys, don't send it in, they've got a
  movie deal now.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/House_Painting


  >> BBC Radio Four in a nutshell <<
  If it wasn't for the relentless coverage of the
  Royals, religion and the weather at sea we doubt
  we'd be that aware of them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Radio_Four_in_a_nutshell


  >> How to uninstall McAfee antivirus  <<
  Presented by John McAfee himself - we're unsure
  what to make of this. Hero? Twat? Both
  simultaneously? Also, hopefully marking a trend
  in antivirus software people losing the plot.
  Looking forward to the Norton Utilities guy
  telling us about his tiger blood.
http://youtu.be/bKgf5PaBzyg


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Crap X-Men Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to give the X-Men
  crap mutations 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * DOMESTIC: green-haired girl cleans crockery
  with ladywool (Drimble)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973101
 
  * BEADLE: tiny-handed TV prankster displays
  weaponry (riverghost)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10972386
  
  * GLASS: Google-specs backfire during animated
  bank raid (shiro_kuma)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973857
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/x-men/


  >> New challenge: Science Fiction Update <<
  This week's challenge is to re-imagine classic
  films and literature as science fiction movies
  and stories. From soap opera to space opera, and
  so on. Thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fiction-science-fiction/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HAY-FEVER TO BE BANNED - having the superpower
  of being able to detect when plants have sex
  isn't all it's cracked up to be.
  
  * WHY DO SOME POOS FLOAT AND REFUSE TO FLUSH?
  What's the science behind this? Does diet impact
  the flushability of shit?
  
  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR THE TV - that turned it off
  everywhere. Friends don't let friends #bbcqt 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrOli, tacpprm,
  sinisterduck, pissflaps, The Great Architect,
  Mandrake, Fluffster, BaronMunchausen & Beh3moth.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Create your Spinal Tap guitarist name by dull
  bloke name + Tube station. ie. Nigel Tufnell,
  Eric Clapton and, er, Gareth Southgate.

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