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NEWSLETTER: "SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF CHEESE"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - How wrong are your misconceptions?
* HOOLIGANS - narrated by David Attenborough
* DIGITAL WATCH - The Casio F-91W

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   our heads...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     together"

B3ta email 589  - 12 JUL 2013

Read this newsletter on your Kremlin typewriter: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue589 

   Pub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Nub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Infant circumcision trainer

  Worried you'll mess up your infant son's
  circumcision? Practice on this uncanny,
  anatomically-correct plastic simulacrum. Bit
  pricey but, hey, what's the alternative?
  Reviews, as ever, a joy. NSFWish.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0083Y0W26/b3ta-20

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Misperceptions, Hondas, EDL & Tubes

  >> Social misperceptions quiz <<
  "According to the results of a recent survey,
  your average Brit is completely clueless about
  all sorts of social issues," alleges c@bbage.
  "I've turned the top 10 misperceptions into an
  online quiz so you can see how well your views
  match up with reality."
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/misperception/


  >> Graham Murkett thinks about the EDL <<
  somegreybloke ponders on how we should think
  about the English Defence League. Are they a
  bunch of nazis, a progressive organisation or
  are we missing a third option?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1030988


  >> 'The Undercover Honda' teaser trailer <<
  "Me and a couple of others have written a
  comedy series," writes DefyingDarwin. "We've
  shot a pilot episode to shop around to people
  for some funding." The Undercover Honda follows
  the misadventures of a pair of petty crooks,
  through a camera hidden in their car.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1031660


  >> How fucked are the Tubes? <<
  "Ever wondered how fucked the Tubes are at the
  moment?" asks pissycocks. Using publicly-
  available data, this website tells you just
  how well London Underground is operating.
  Or it's a cheap gag.
http://howfuckedarethetubes.com/


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: USVSTH3M
  The "other" project run by B3taish people

  * YOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS UNDER PRESSURE - can
  you reach level 10 and get an invite to the
  'maths party'?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/maths/

  * THE GOOGLE AUTOCOMPLETE QUIZ - We've been
  typing celebrities' names into Google and
  learned that the autocomplete is like a
  crowdsourced two minutes of hate. We thought,
  "Oooh! Quiz!" Obviously.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/googleautocompletequiz/

  * TEN REASONS WE LOVE OUR CASIO F-91W DIGITAL
  WATCH - We *heart* our digital watch. The battery
  life is ten years, it cost about £5, it's
  waterproof and, most of all, it's really useful
  to know the time without having to fiddle with a
  phone. Wear watches, people! They're great!
http://usvsth3m.com/post/55173874636/

  * WHAT YOUR BEARD IS SAYING ABOUT YOU - 
  Illustrated timeline of chin-hair, with
  explanations.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/54990652925/

 We do a daily email of this shit - sign up.
http://bit.ly/ZizxOD


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Lucky Escapes
  
  We wanted to know how close you'd come to
  popping your clogs. Go read how to not to
  retrieve an ashtray from a roof:
http://b3ta.com/questions/browntrousers/


  * CAUGHT - "I have a mate who is a psychiatric
   nurse. His job has stresses that I can barely
   comprehend; many and various are the tales of
   psychotic patients doing amusing/amazing/
   appalling things. To compensate for this, he 
   does of course do massive drugs at the 
   weekends... So, bright one Monday morning, he
   turns up at work barely conscious, parts of 
   his brain still asleep and others orbiting 
   Neptune. From the entrance door there's a 
   staircase leading upwards and as he opens the
   door he sees movement above and instinctively
   catches the object flying toward him. Frankly
   'Coordinated' is not a word I associate with
   this guy - he's more like a shambling pile of
   dirty laundry that trails fag papers, knocked-
   over mugs and broken appliances behind him -
   so this was a pretty lucky catch. Especially
   as the flying object turned out to be a baby.
   Some muppet on the night-shift had given a 
   patient access to her child. So, I don't know
   who you are, little baby, but you had the 
   luckiest of escapes that morning..."
(moon monkey)


  >> This Week - BODY HORROR <<
  Mictoboy writes, "I once picked a spot on my
  cheek only for a half-inch long ingrown hair
  to coil out covered in pus." Tell us your
  story to make us boick here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodyhorror/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Buzzfeed deletes Buzzfeed parody article <<
  Buzzfeed's been catching some flak after
  explaining the Egyptian coup with Jurassic
  Park gifs. Hence the sense of humour failure
  when a user posted this excellent parody of
  the site's distinctive journalistic idiom.
http://bit.ly/15uZ0XL


  >> 7 Photoshop memes that never caught on <<
  Remember Bangstaches? Voldemorting? That's
  because they never became popular. Although
  they were made up for this gag, we can't help
  but feel they deserved a spell in the
  spotlight. Poor little memes.
http://bit.ly/189iYHR


  >> Middle-aged man things <<
  If you have no middle-aged man available - fear
  not. The internet always provides - here, it's
  amusingly middle-age themed pics and a man to
  answer your dad/DIY style questions.
http://justmiddleagedmanthings.tumblr.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Schmideo Schschmideo Sussudeo

  >> Weird, bouncy drumkit <<
  Drummers - is there any way this kind of setup
  improves the way drums sound, or is it just as
  much boingy fun as it looks?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84UBS765IZg


  >> News graphics fail <<
  Try harder, mainstream news media. Try harder.
  This is like something we'd make.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/News_Graphics_fail


  >> Hooligan fight narrated by David Attenborough <<
  Video of brawling soccer fans, with mellow
  narration by king of voiceover, David
  Attenborough.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1030829


  >> Girl trampled by goats <<
  Nasty stuff. Oh, who are we kidding - it's
  adorable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Girl_killed_by_goats


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Sometimes we feel like the
  whole world is trolling us

  "Friend of mine found this amusingly-named
  kitchen company in the States," writes Fray
  Bentos. "Ideal for preparing plums, massaging
  dough-balls etc."
http://www.bollocktops.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Shoe Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to revel in the
  magnificence of shoes

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TESTES: vivid pink ladywear enhanced by
  sequinned man-sack (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979483
 
  * TIME: era-jumping man-midget suffers 
  savage boot accident (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979697
  
  * TUFNEL: mock rock star finds solace in
  amplified footwear (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979585
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shoes/


  >> New challenge: Earth 1.0 <<
  This week's almighty task is show us 
  designs for the things that God threw 
  away, the things which never made it into 
  the finished version of our planet. 
  Suggested by mofaha.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/earth/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  >> See B3ta people drink. Talk to them too! <<
  "For those able to visit parts of London, are
  interested and haven't spotted it on the
  calendar..." begins HappyToast. "There's a B3ta
  London get-together with drinking and chatting
  and drawing and stuff at the end of this month.

  "Sign up, pop by, say hi. Let's get the loving
  going."
http://b3ta.com/calendar/event/25046


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * AUTO-TUNE OR NOT QUIZ - Can you tell if
  something has been auto-tuned or is just being
  sung to sound like that? Because these days, we
  can't.
  
  * POO SPRAY - A quick hardening fluorescent
  spray for dog poo on pavements. Or for the 
  people who leave it there.

  * DISTRIBUTED 'BUY ONE GET ONE FREE'. We hate
  feeling forced to take home an excess of
  whatever we popped to the shops for - but we'd
  feel like a schmuck for not taking the extra
  one. Can't somebody else take it?


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Da:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Nyet:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Enzyme,
  redflame, Fluffster, Fartfurter.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Artists, short of vegetables to draw a quick
  still life? A dildo, painted green, makes a semi
  realistic cucumber. (robneymcplum)

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