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NEWSLETTER: "THEY CAN'T BAN ASCII PORN"

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This Week:
* RAP - Letter to David Cameron from Dan Bull
* INVESTIGATION - What egg cup part two
* QUESTION - Worst gig you've ever seen?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving jizz for
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Jesus. No idea what
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    that means. Sorry"

B3ta email 591  - 26 July 2013

Read this using using the Unix "say" command:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue591

   Chums :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Bums : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
  iPhone sock - thirteen million quid to you

  If we were paying £13,000,000 for a mobile phone
  case we'd not be happy about waiting 2 days for
  delivery.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001BOO4P6/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making stains on the sofa

  >> Letter to David Cameron from Dan Bull <<
  ToryGov is proposing massive censorship of
  the internet - apparently to 'protect the
  children', but most likely to shore up their
  own interests. Here's internet rapper Dan
  Bull's take:
http://bit.ly/19m76oV


  >> What Egg Cup - Part 2 <<
  "I sent off some egg cup designs to an egg cup
  manufacturer," writes Pig Face Turnip. Please,
  BBC, give this guy a show. We'd deffo watch.
  Call it 'Pig Face Turnip', too as that'll stand
  out in the schedules.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Egg_Cup_Part_2


  >> "My Dad's sculptures" <<
  Flatfrog writes, "My Dad asked me to help put
  some pictures of his sculptures online. He's
  been making them for about twenty years now and
  I genuinely think he's brilliant."
http://bit.ly/13ifoa6


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Unreasonable Cruelty

  We wanted your memories of the times you'd
  taken it a little *too* far:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unreasonablecruelty/


  * ROAD RASH - "As a littl'un, about 6 or 7 years
  old, we used to hang about and ride our BMXs in
  a gravelly lane behind a friend's house. One day
  someone came off their bike at speed and scraped
  practically all the skin off his forearm. He was
  doing the whole 'don't cry' breathing, wincing,
  lip-wobbling thing when an older girl, probably
  about 16-ish came running up with a bag of
  shopping. 'Bloody hell, are you OK? I've got
  something for that in my bag,' she says and
  promptly gets out a plastic lemon and squirts it
  all over his arm. She then ran laughing while he
  screamed his fucking head off. I imagine she's
  in prison now for poisoning people's pets or
  something." (Fart through a Walkie Talkie)

  * CATKINS - "I managed to sell the stupidest boy
  in my class some fuzzy, little pussy willow
  catkin things as pets. I told him they were in
  the pupal stage and would soon emerge as
  poisonous fighting butterflies. When he came to
  me 2 weeks later to tell me nothing had
  happened, I told him they'd obviously died due
  to his mistreatment. I did feel guilty watching
  the tears well up in the poor little fucker's
  eyes, but not for very long." (Smash Monkey)

  * GEORGE - "You know what's really cruel? Making
  baby lizard people wear human skin suits, just so
  they'll be accepted as our heads of state."
  (Munsta)


  >> This Week - BAD GIGS <<
  Been to see some talentless gits on stage
  recently? Had your enjoyment spoiled by a
  twat with an iPad filming the whole thing?
  Been bottled off? Tell us all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badgigs/


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: USVSTH3M - Games special
  The 'other' project B3ta staff do

  * HOW GEEKY ARE YOU - a personality quiz. We
  come out about 80% and if you get 100%? Hmm.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/how-geeky-are-you/

  * GRAMMAR GAME - can you tell you're from your?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/write/

  * COUNT THE KITTENS - how good are you at
  estimating the amount of kittens on your
  LCD monitor?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/count-the-kittens/

  Follow us on Twitter for the latest updates.
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * ISP STICKS IT TO THE GOV - respect to Andrews
  & Arnold Ltd. for telling our shitty government
  where to go, over their obscene and illiberal
  censorship plan.
http://aa.net.uk/kb-broadband-realinternet.html


  * PRISON FACILITIES OF THE US - did you know
  there's 4,916 prisons in the USA? Here's photos
  of all of them. Terrifying - their captivity
  rate is 0.7% of adults.
http://prisonmap.com/


  * NOSELESS GIFS - people look creepy without
  noses. Who knew?
http://imgfave.com/collection/245499/Noseless%20Gifs


  * ANIMATED BEER LABELS - beware: if you're
  trying not to drink, your resolve will be
  weakened by these enticing images.
http://beerlabelsinmotion.tumblr.com/


  * STUPIDEST LETTER EVER SENT TO A RECORD LABEL -
  and that's including the note we sent to FM
  Revolver records in Wolverhampton in 1992, asking
  them to listen to our dance remix of the Archers
  theme tune.
http://bit.ly/11cD3es


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if TV was on in the office. Oh it is now

  * SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE DUCK TALES - because
  ducks don't have sphincters. Did you know that?
  DID YOU?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1038038


  * WILL.I.AM BABBLES NONSENSE - actually, not
  all of it is nonsense but the delivery is so
  weird that he looks he's on special brain
  medicine. BTW: WILL.I.AM is a brilliant name,
  as it directs your computer straight to his
  website. He's not so dumb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFA7DUM008


  * HIGH-FIVING CAT - if this was our cat we'd get
  an agent. The fucker needs a film deal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=679V-3Ibjqg


  * TV TRAFFIC PRESENTER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS COCK
  - we've all done this, admit it. You're
  casually presenting the traffic news on TV,
  then suddenly you draw a penis.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW9Fiu9IlA4


  * MILEY CYRUS WITHOUT MUSIC - Miley is going
  through that phase in her career where she
  wants to look like a mental. Collegehumor is
  helping her achieve this by replacing her music
  with sound FX.
http://bit.ly/15Ce8AF


  * "ICE ICE BABY" SUNG BY THE MOVIES -
  Painstakingly-researched version of the 1990
  Vanilla Ice hit. Actually did he have another
  hit? Don't email in, we really don't give a poo
  whether he did or not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxCKw3VbU54


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Stock Photo Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to replace
  classic album covers with appropriate
  stock photos. It was AMAZING.

  Your favourites included:

  * HELMET: best-selling, chart-thrashing
  classic, recreated via the medium of
  handsome builder (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983891

  * RADIO: macho punk rock behemoth
  feminised by bow-tied old-time
  broadcasting beauty (Jabberwoc)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983599

  * HOTSHOT: the smug bastard king of all
  of stock photography, versus the Beatles
  (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983810

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock-photo-albums/


  >> New challenge: Donkeys <<
  There are more than 40 million donkeys in
  the world, mostly in underdeveloped
  countries, where they are used
  principally as draught or pack animals.
  This week's challenge is to Photoshop the
  donkey's delightful, fuzzy features with
  hilarious results, etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/donkeys/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * A BAN ON LANGUAGE LIKE "When I hear X I reach
  for my pistol" & "Hang onto your hats". Your
  readers aren't wearing hats and you don't have a
  pistol.

  * CAMERON BLOCK - a site that blocks any mention
  of Cameron and his odious friends.

  * A BUTTON THAT ALLOWS US TO INSTANTLY SLEEP -
  such a waste of time, that hour or so or trying
  to drop off.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by daf,
  witty_ditty and Mokoshne.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via emvee.

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  TOP TIP:
  Find out what the weather is all day long, by
  logging onto Facebook. (robneymcplum)

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