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NEWSLETTER: "IN THE UK ILLEGALLY? READ THIS OR FACE ARREST"

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This Week:
* VID - Brad and Angelina face-mash
* GAME - Don't shoot your friends!
* THE QUO - advertising mince

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're snarking 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    the web...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      together"

B3ta email 592 - 2 Aug 2013

Read this issue after inhaling helium:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue592/

    Sub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Snub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Buy some fucking shit on Amazon you nobbers

  We've probably linked Dean Gaffney Canvas Clock
  before but we'd like to direct your attention
  to the wonderful user-uploaded pics. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRGUR6/b3ta-21

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eighties, Travel, Brangelina & Chopping Boards

  >> Space Harrier + 80s mash up + New album <<
  "It's like Space Harrier but all in the 80s,"
  explains yeastymeat. "With Cagney & Lacey and
  Magnum, with proper end of level bosses." Can
  you reach level 10, to beat pimp Tony the
  Tiger, yeasty's nephew's dog & Mumm-Ra?
http://www.spoekmathambo.com/game


  >> One second in every nation <<
  "One second of me in every country in the
  world," writes thatgingerscouser. "There's not
  that much more to say really, except - *ahem* -
  I made this!" This is the kind of travelogue we
  like - one that doesn't outstay its welcome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_Second_Every_Nation


  >> Literal Brangelina <<
  "Another round of mangled freaks," chirps
  facemashing expert smearballs. Although
  Brangelina is surprisingly attractive, our
  favourite is the sweet Gary Busey/Yoda - we
  could watch a whole movie of that guy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1040270


  >> What Chopping Board? <<
  "My review of a chopping board." Sound consumer
  advice, as ever, from Pig Face Turnip.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Chopping_Board


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: BEST OF USVSTH3M 
  The other project made by B3ta staff
  
  * Don't Shoot Your Friends - an evil Twitter
  game, with consequences. If you don’t recognise
  people - shoot them!
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/dont-shoot-your-friends/


  * You're It! - an attempt to bring the
  playground game to the Twitter age.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/youre-it/


  * And finally: The best UsVsTh3m toys in
  one epic post. 
http://usvsth3m.com/post/57145265331/you-like-our-toys


  Make sure you follow @usvsth3m on twitter for
  all the latest web bollocks.
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bad Gigs
  
  We wanted to know about the worst gigs you'd
  been to, walked out of, or played:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badgigs/


  * ONE-MAN BAND - "A one man band turned up to
  our local. He had a snare drum, a mic and a
  background tape. He got my brother up to play
  the drum, then, halfway through his second
  song, he got up, still singing on his wireless
  mic, and went outside and sat on the wall to
  Matalan's carpark on the other side of the
  road. He sang another three songs. Quite what
  the people outside thought of this random man
  singing was one thing... my brother playing a
  drum to an empty mic stand was quite another."
  (Dan dan dan)

  * BLACK GRAPE - "I saw them during one of Shaun
  Ryder's higher moments. He started the gig
  facing the wings and singing into a
  disconnected microphone. When his carers herded
  him to the front he promptly did a slapstick
  mic-into-forehead manoeuvre and knocked off his
  sunglasses revealing eyes like a pair of
  blistered arseholes. Then sang the words to the
  wrong song. It was fucking brilliant. What was
  the question again?" (Dr. Shambolic)

  * PWEI - "We regret to inform you that Pop Will
  Eat Itself will not be able to perform, as
  their hard disc has crashed. Howls of derisive
  laughter all round." (moon monkey)


  >> This Week - MTFU <<
  When have you had to be brave when all you've
  wanted to do was weep like a blubber-titted
  bitch? Tell us so we can judge you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mtfu/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Face Tattoo Army <<
  The joy of facial tattoos is that they’ll make
  people judge you before you open your mouth.
  Generally either, “omg, face tattoo, this
  person is dangerous" or “omg, face tattoo, this
  person is a muppet."
http://brianjrogers.tumblr.com/


  >> Which urinal do you pick? <<
  A good implementation of a classic web
  interactive trope: you’re a man visiting a
  public toilet - which is the correct urinal to
  use? Also useful for women to understand men's
  neuroses.
http://www.urinalman.com/


  >> Bass dogs <<
  Famous bassists with the instruments replaced
  by adorable puppies. From now on this should be
  part of the classic four-piece line-up. 
http://bassdogs.tumblr.com.

  
  >> 100-year-old Japanese computer game room <<
  The games room at Kyoto University is one of
  the oldest in existence, dating from 1913.
  Here's a fascinating photo series, showing what
  happens to a room where students have been
  hanging out for a century.
http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=44401


  >> Circular Tube map <<
  Designer takes a stab at improving the
  Underground map. Don't know if it's clearer,
  but it's certainly pretty.
http://bit.ly/TQm1Sm


  >> Cop selfies <<
  Police officers posing to take pictures with
  their mobile phones. Looking sharp, guys. 
http://copselfies.tumblr.com/


  >> Hidden messages in hotel rooms <<
  David Bussell has made a point of hiding
  vaguely creepy graffiti in every hotel room he
  uses. Have you spotted any of his work behind a
  picture?
http://hotelgraffiti.tumblr.com/


  >> Men in pin-up poses <<
  Men-ups is a project that aims to ridicule
  stereotypical 'sexy' female pin-ups by
  photographing blokes in the same submissive
  poses. 
http://www.rionsabean.com/men-ups


  >> Prince Will's knob on head BBC shame <<
  BBC breakfast show accidentally shows brief
  glimpse of a graffitied newspaper, where Prince
  William has a male genitalia drawn on his
  forehead. Mayhem ensues.
http://bit.ly/16MG30Z


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The monitor screen is the retina of the mind's eye

  >> Status Quo advertising mince <<
  Although might mutter "sell-outs", we really
  enjoyed this. They seem to genuinely be having
  fun in this ad for Australian butchers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pniH2-r6dZU


  >> Blacking up for lols on Greek TV <<
  Your Face Sounds Familiar just launched on ITV,
  but we've been watching the Greek one.
  Jaw-dropping.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2mUe_3pHuk


  >> Jar with a Twist <<
  Peanut butter on your knuckles is a thing of
  the past. These jars are designed to push stuff
  up from the bottom instead of leaving you
  pawing away like Winnie the Pooh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf1eEN7JHRQ


  >> Gandalf nodding his head to jazz for 10 hours <<
  It gets really good at about 7 hours in.
http://bit.ly/1bzyzW3


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Donkey Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop the 
  donkey's ass.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SQUEEE - lickle tickle for miniature pack
  animal (Flash_Bastard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987532
 
  * POO - depressed ass meets demented end. The
  horror. The horror. (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987273   
  
  * DOOR - crudely-drawn couple surprised by
  joke-spoiling late arrival (PedroHin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987290
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/donkeys/


  >> New challenge: Hitchcock! <<
  "I've got an idea for a one-word 
  challenge", purred legendary b3tan 
  Monkeon. "Hitchcock! Why not parody his 
  films and photoshop his face?" And thus, 
  it came to pass
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hitchcock/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE BIG B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL FUCKING THING.
  "The season is almost upon us," warns mike woz
  ere. "That means that it's time to make a
  fantasy football team, convince yourself it's
  excellent and then stop playing this game in 2
  weeks' time.

  "Make a team, click 'Leagues', 'Join a League',
  select 'Private league' and type in this
  fucking pin: 286421-179890

  "You can read the rules here:"
http://fantasy.premierleague.com/rules/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * FLYING ANT FORECASTER - We need some sort of
  advance warning so we can leave the house in a
  bee-keeper's outfit.

  * KEYBOARD CLEANER - Something to really shift
  these crumbs from under the Spacebar. We can't
  keep buying new peripherals every time they get
  biscuity.
  
  * THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DRY RECYCLABLES &
  RESIDUALS, so we don't keep finding ourselves
  paralysed in front of a waste bin in Canary
  Wharf.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Inthrough:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Outdoor:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by 
  invisiblecity and folks.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via prince-igor.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  A treadmill, mounted upside down above your
  front door, with a foot mat stapled to it, makes
  a handy automatic hair-comber for leaving the
  house in a hurry. Don't forget to put it in
  reverse when you come back in though.
  (robneymcplum)

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