NEWSLETTER: YOU CAN'T FACTORISE SHEEP
This Week:
* BASH - Percussive Maintenance
* NANANA - Batdad
* DOG - Dog loves leaves
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "This is our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 600th one
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| of these"
B3ta email 600 - 27 Sep 2013
Imagine this newsletter as a GIF:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue600
Aye : [email protected]
Neigh : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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It's not so much that Nic Cage pillows exist,
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Nic Cages?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AA870UK/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bashing, bathing and waiting
>> Percussive Maintenance <<
"I made a new supercut!" cries dunk3d. "Give it
a good bash!" A compilation of all those bits
where someone thumps a machine and makes it
work again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Percussive_Maintenance
>> Canal-jumping <<
"Every summer, the inner-city kids dive in the
canals in Dublin," informs Riggleberry. "Most
people think of them as a pests, but it is an
age-old tradition." Beautiful, black-and-white
film, with Dublin youths flinging themselves
off alarmingly tall buildings into a canal full
of shopping trolleys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Becoming_Men
>> Musical waiting <<
"This was commissioned last year but it never
got used," writes Swede Mason. "I shouldn't say
who by, they're a bit wary of being
copyfucked," he adds, cryptically.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Waiting
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: USVSTH3M BEST OF
Some of the best stuff from our other site
>> You Can't Do Simple Maths Under Pressure <<
Has your maths-brain shrivelled to a walnut
since school? That's the fear behind this
fast-paced maths-based tour de force.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/maths/
>> Are You Down With the Kids? <<
The zeitgeist - have you lost touch? Or can you
still name the latest boy band?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/
>> 14 Facebook People You Want to Block <<
But you can't block, because they're kind of
your friends. Facebook is the worst.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/52219683239/14-kinds
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Twat Friends
In which we discover that we all have friends
that act like idiots, but we keep them around
for some reason:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twatfriends/
* GAY - "My best mate is lovely but she gets
very nervous in social situations and tends to
panic and blurt. She started working with a
man who happened to be gay. She decided to
invite him and his partner to her house for
dinner and invited me for moral support. When
she is hosting she feels that she has to
ensure conversation flows and everyone is
getting on, so during dinner when there was a
lull in the conversation I could see the
tell-tale signs on her face, twitching, mouth
opening and closing, face flushed. I thought,
'Oh no, here we go'. And she blurts out, 'So,
which one of you takes it up the arse?'"
(Flowerpot)
* GORDON - "I had a friend called Gordon. One
morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just
shagged one of the student nurses next door.
'I've just shagged one of the student nurses
next door,' he said, 'Got chatting over the
fence last night.' But the fence is over six
foot and you're a short-arse Weegie. 'Oh. I
was perched on the wheelie bin,' Gordon
explains. Because..? 'Well I couldn't find my
keys and I was desperate for a shit.' So
there's a shit in the wheelie bin? 'Aye. A
massive one. Anybody want a cup of tea?'"
(Dr. Shambolic)
* UNDERSTANDING - "I used to hang out with a
friend who lacked social skills. He was just
one of those of people who couldn't gauge
anybody's emotional state. Entirely
insensitive to moods, his Alan Partridge knob
was constantly on 10. I saw him guffaw at car
crashes, put his arm around the shoulders of a
surly Glaswegian bouncer to cheer him up, and
tell a mourner to 'look on the bright side -
it wasn't both his kids.' I persevered because
I could see he genuinely had no malicious
intent, in fact all that aside he was a pretty
generous soul. When he became a fanny rat and
pursued girls way out of his league without
getting the message - from their boyfriend -
he became a liability and a dangerous bloke to
have in tow. 20 years later and I'm married to
a woman whose son has Asperger's, and another
of life's little mysteries is resolved. Kind
of like when I found out Babapapa is Spanish
for candy floss."
(J H Christ)
>> This Week - PURE FURY <<
Have you ever done something innocent or made
a harmless joke that ended in threats to your
person? Tell us about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/purefury/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> iOS7 is making people sick. <<
If the garish colour scheme didn't put you off,
apparently the peculiar new Apple animations
are making users sick and dizzy.
http://bit.ly/1gZ82yV
>> 80s muscles <<
Extraordinary cavalcade of imagery from the
1980s heyday of bodybuilding. People don't
still do that anymore, do they?
http://80smuscle.tumblr.com/
>> A Day in the life of a "Doublefaced" girl <<
Eye pencil and lipstick, creepy, simple,
but good.
http://bit.ly/18uYqe8
>> Wikileaks 'leaks' 5th Estate script <<
Ha! In your face, media hegemony!
http://bit.ly/16gtFof
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: 1970s SOCIOLOGY LECTURE
Recuperation
wikipedia writes:
Recuperation, in the sociological sense, is the
process by which politically radical ideas and
images are twisted, co-opted, absorbed,
defused, incorporated, annexed and commodified
within media culture and bourgeois society, and
thus become interpreted through a neutralised,
innocuous or more socially conventional
perspective.
With that in mind, this:
http://bit.ly/1eCX84Y
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Buffering...
>> Batdad <<
Man buys cheap mask and adopts alarming
parental persona. Funnier each time we watch it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1070577
>> Pulp Fiction in 60 seconds <<
Quite a few swears in this, as you might
expect, of course.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1072588
>> Loading a mortar board <<
Note, this isn't the academic type of mortar
board. These guys are great!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Loading_a_mortar_board
>> Baby Got Back redux <<
Somehow much better than it should be, because
everybody is in a car.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_Got_Back_redux
>> Dog loves leaves! <<
Total joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Leaves
>> Real-time rendering of Star Wars <<
Bloke runs across the screen, holding a cricket
bat. On the monitors he's already a Clone
Trooper. Is this the future of film production?
http://bit.ly/1eCBYUu
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Misheard Lyrics Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mis-hear lyrics. You
know, for the LOLs.
Your favourites included:
* FREDDIE: entirely epic pun glut starring
Zoroastrian warbler (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11012519
* KEITH: spike-haired techno punkster emits
unexpected Michelins (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11012085
* BRIAN: satanic duo don posh togs to celebrate
Bohemian lifestyle (flatfrog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11011869
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheard-lyrics/
>> New challenge: Controversial Gaming <<
Rockstar are really upset by all the free
advertising they're getting as a result of how
'offensive' GTA is. But what if all games were
created to be controversial in order to sell?
Design a new game or remix a classic in such a
way to upset the red-tops. Challenge suggested
by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/controversial-games/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* A SHINY NEW APPLE MAC - if someone would like
to send us one, we would not say no.
* SOMETHING HEALTHIER THAN DOUGHNUTS that it's
acceptable to buy as a gift for people in the
office.
* A ZIP-LINE to the ground. If God had meant
mankind to be so high up, we'd be born with
200ft-long steel i-beams on our feet.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Kisses: [email protected]
Disses: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fucksocks,
Amadeus, PhosphorBurnedEyes, kombu dashi,
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, jams, Beh3moth,
sinisterduck, Dawn Of The Bread, robneymcplum.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Holdcorn
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TOP TIP:
Batteries in your TV remote fading? Pressing the
buttons extra hard whilst gritting your teeth
ensures it will still work the TV. (Appleseed)
