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NEWSLETTER: YOU CAN'T FACTORISE SHEEP

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This Week:
* BASH - Percussive Maintenance
* NANANA - Batdad
* DOG - Dog loves leaves

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "This is our
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      600th one
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        of these"

B3ta email 600 - 27 Sep 2013

Imagine this newsletter as a GIF:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue600

   Aye :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Neigh : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Nicolas Cage Pillowcase Covers

  It's not so much that Nic Cage pillows exist,
  it's more that Amazon has such an
  extraordinarily wide range of them. Why not buy
  two, so you can awake to the delicious fantasy
  that you've been in a threesome with two
  Nic Cages?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AA870UK/b3ta-20


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Bashing, bathing and waiting

  >> Percussive Maintenance <<
  "I made a new supercut!" cries dunk3d. "Give it
  a good bash!" A compilation of all those bits
  where someone thumps a machine and makes it
  work again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Percussive_Maintenance


  >> Canal-jumping <<
  "Every summer, the inner-city kids dive in the
  canals in Dublin," informs Riggleberry. "Most
  people think of them as a pests, but it is an
  age-old tradition." Beautiful, black-and-white
  film, with Dublin youths flinging themselves
  off alarmingly tall buildings into a canal full
  of shopping trolleys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Becoming_Men


  >> Musical waiting <<
  "This was commissioned last year but it never
  got used," writes Swede Mason. "I shouldn't say
  who by, they're a bit wary of being
  copyfucked," he adds, cryptically.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Waiting


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: USVSTH3M BEST OF
  Some of the best stuff from our other site

  >> You Can't Do Simple Maths Under Pressure <<
  Has your maths-brain shrivelled to a walnut
  since school? That's the fear behind this
  fast-paced maths-based tour de force.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/maths/


  >> Are You Down With the Kids? <<
  The zeitgeist - have you lost touch? Or can you
  still name the latest boy band?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/


  >> 14 Facebook People You Want to Block <<
  But you can't block, because they're kind of
  your friends. Facebook is the worst.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/52219683239/14-kinds


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Twat Friends

  In which we discover that we all have friends
  that act like idiots, but we keep them around
  for some reason:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twatfriends/


  * GAY - "My best mate is lovely but she gets 
   very nervous in social situations and tends to
   panic and blurt. She started working with a
   man who happened to be gay. She decided to
   invite him and his partner to her house for
   dinner and invited me for moral support. When
   she is hosting she feels that she has to
   ensure conversation flows and everyone is
   getting on, so during dinner when there was a
   lull in the conversation I could see the
   tell-tale signs on her face, twitching, mouth
   opening and closing, face flushed. I thought,
   'Oh no, here we go'. And she blurts out, 'So,
   which one of you takes it up the arse?'"
(Flowerpot)


  * GORDON - "I had a friend called Gordon. One
   morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just
   shagged one of the student nurses next door.
   'I've just shagged one of the student nurses
   next door,' he said, 'Got chatting over the
   fence last night.' But the fence is over six
   foot and you're a short-arse Weegie. 'Oh. I
   was perched on the wheelie bin,' Gordon
   explains. Because..? 'Well I couldn't find my
   keys and I was desperate for a shit.' So
   there's a shit in the wheelie bin? 'Aye. A
   massive one. Anybody want a cup of tea?'"
(Dr. Shambolic)


  * UNDERSTANDING - "I used to hang out with a
   friend who lacked social skills. He was just
   one of those of people who couldn't gauge
   anybody's emotional state. Entirely
   insensitive to moods, his Alan Partridge knob
   was constantly on 10. I saw him guffaw at car
   crashes, put his arm around the shoulders of a
   surly Glaswegian bouncer to cheer him up, and
   tell a mourner to 'look on the bright side -
   it wasn't both his kids.' I persevered because
   I could see he genuinely had no malicious
   intent, in fact all that aside he was a pretty
   generous soul. When he became a fanny rat and
   pursued girls way out of his league without
   getting the message - from their boyfriend -
   he became a liability and a dangerous bloke to
   have in tow. 20 years later and I'm married to
   a woman whose son has Asperger's, and another
   of life's little mysteries is resolved. Kind
   of like when I found out Babapapa is Spanish
   for candy floss."
(J H Christ)
 

  >> This Week - PURE FURY <<
  Have you ever done something innocent or made
  a harmless joke that ended in threats to your
  person? Tell us about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/purefury/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> iOS7 is making people sick. <<
  If the garish colour scheme didn't put you off,
  apparently the peculiar new Apple animations
  are making users sick and dizzy.
http://bit.ly/1gZ82yV


  >> 80s muscles <<
  Extraordinary cavalcade of imagery from the
  1980s heyday of bodybuilding. People don't
  still do that anymore, do they?
http://80smuscle.tumblr.com/


  >> A Day in the life of a "Doublefaced" girl <<
  Eye pencil and lipstick, creepy, simple,
  but good.
http://bit.ly/18uYqe8


  >> Wikileaks 'leaks' 5th Estate script <<
  Ha! In your face, media hegemony!
http://bit.ly/16gtFof


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: 1970s SOCIOLOGY LECTURE
  Recuperation

wikipedia writes:
  Recuperation, in the sociological sense, is the
  process by which  politically radical ideas and
  images are twisted, co-opted, absorbed,
  defused, incorporated, annexed and commodified
  within media culture and bourgeois society, and
  thus become interpreted through a neutralised,
  innocuous or more socially conventional
  perspective.

  With that in mind, this:
http://bit.ly/1eCX84Y


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Buffering...

  >> Batdad <<
  Man buys cheap mask and adopts alarming
  parental persona. Funnier each time we watch it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1070577


  >> Pulp Fiction in 60 seconds <<
  Quite a few swears in this, as you might
  expect, of course.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1072588


  >> Loading a mortar board <<
  Note, this isn't the academic type of mortar
  board. These guys are great!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Loading_a_mortar_board


  >> Baby Got Back redux <<
  Somehow much better than it should be, because
  everybody is in a car.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_Got_Back_redux


  >> Dog loves leaves! <<
  Total joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Leaves


  >> Real-time rendering of Star Wars <<
  Bloke runs across the screen, holding a cricket
  bat. On the monitors he's already a Clone
  Trooper. Is this the future of film production? 
http://bit.ly/1eCBYUu


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Misheard Lyrics Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to mis-hear lyrics. You
  know, for the LOLs.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FREDDIE: entirely epic pun glut starring
  Zoroastrian warbler (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11012519
 
  * KEITH: spike-haired techno punkster emits
  unexpected Michelins (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11012085

  * BRIAN: satanic duo don posh togs to celebrate
  Bohemian lifestyle (flatfrog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11011869
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheard-lyrics/


  >> New challenge: Controversial Gaming <<
  Rockstar are really upset by all the free
  advertising they're getting as a result of how
  'offensive' GTA is. But what if all games were
  created to be controversial in order to sell?
  Design a new game or remix a classic in such a
  way to upset the red-tops. Challenge suggested
  by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/controversial-games/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * A SHINY NEW APPLE MAC - if someone would like
  to send us one, we would not say no. 
  
  * SOMETHING HEALTHIER THAN DOUGHNUTS that it's
  acceptable to buy as a gift for people in the
  office.

  *  A ZIP-LINE to the ground. If God had meant
  mankind to be so high up, we'd be born with
  200ft-long steel i-beams on our feet.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Kisses:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Disses:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fucksocks,
  Amadeus, PhosphorBurnedEyes, kombu dashi,
  Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, jams, Beh3moth,
  sinisterduck, Dawn Of The Bread, robneymcplum. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Holdcorn
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Batteries in your TV remote fading? Pressing the
  buttons extra hard whilst gritting your teeth
  ensures it will still work the TV. (Appleseed)

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