NEWSLETTER: 12 SURPRISING REASONS YOUR PENIS WON'T WORK AS A BIRO
This Week:
* REVIEW - The FloppyMan portable music player
* HATE - What does the Daily Mail think of you?
* MAGIC - Little chimp sees her first trick
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Tick-tick
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | tick-tick
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| boom"
B3ta email 601 - 4 Oct 2013
Hear this newsletter via internal voices:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue601
Re-up : [email protected]
Shee-it : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Fabulous Gay Adventures of Vladimir Putin
Greetings - please have a nibble on the latest
fruit from the mashed vine - The Fabulous Gay
Adventures of Vladimir Putin (see it here - ) -
by somegreybloke - so watch and subscribe you
b3tards!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Dad reviews the 'FloppyMan' <<
"My pops reviews this awesome product,"
explains Touched by an Anglegrinder. Which
still leaves us with the question: where can we
get hold of this amazing device?
http://b3ta.com/links/1074696/
>> European ski-style song <<
"I made a video about the lifestyle of European
ski instructors," blasts WALLOP. This is
hard-hitting stuff, yo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Britney Spears 'Work Bitch' <<
"I have remade Britney Spears' new video, Work
Bitch," writes woahbot. "I stripped it of all
high production values but kept things tasty.
Enjoy."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1076611
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: USVSTH3M
Some of the best stuff from our other site
>> How Much Are You Hated by the Daily Mail? <<
Ever worry where you fit in the Daily Mail's
world-view? Find out by taking this simple test.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-dail...
>> You Can't Javascript Under Pressure <<
One for the coders: How fast can you complete
these exercises in scripting dexterity.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/javascript-under-pressure...
>> Iain Duncan Smith's Unemployment Simulator <<
Welcome to the future of unemployment.
http://bit.ly/1bpnoMn
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: AMAZON TAT
Ravished by the Triceratops (Dinosaur Erotica)
@nik_the_brief writes, "This is just crying out
for inclusion in B3TA's newsletter and a few
smart-arse reviews."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00EZCQAD...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Last week: Pure Fury
We asked, 'A friend's dad once stormed up to
me and threatened to "punch your stupid face
in" because I pointed a camera at him. I was
11. Have you ever done something innocent or
made a harmless joke that ended in threats to
your person?'
* BATSHIT MENTAL - "I once had a girlfriend,
perfection personified: warm, kind,
articulate, witty, and shagged like a steam
train on steroids. I really thought I had it
made. I remember very clearly the first time
the other side of her made an appearance. I
was standing stunned as she screamed and
ranted, veins bulging in her forehead and
rabid spittle collecting in the corners of her
mouth. Eventually, having redistributed the
furniture around the room, and run out of
objects and invective to hurl at me, she
stormed out and disappeared. My crime, you
ask? Apparently, I'd cut the vegetables at the
wrong angle." (moon monkey)
* ANSWER-PHONE BLEEPS - "A mate of mine once
played me a voicemail he'd received. I can't
remember it exactly, but it was along the
lines of 'Andy you fucker I'm going to kill
you I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT TO ME YOU
BASTARD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY YOU'D BETTER
WATCH YOUR BACK I FUCKING KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
YOU WANKER YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER
BORN I'M GOING TO...oh sorry, I've just
realised this is the wrong number, sorry'."
(skullfunkerry)
* STRANGE PROPOSAL, "Visiting the urinal at my
local pub. During my beer fueled wee I
happened to let out a rather violent sneeze,
which sent my glasses flying from my face. My
glasses went hurtling slightly to my right and
bounced off the penis of the chap standing
next to me. Now, confusingly he assumed not
only that I had managed to do that
deliberately, but that it was some sort of
weird homosexual mating ritual. I was very
angrily informed that if I tried any more of
that 'bender shit' that he would rip my balls
off and feed them to his dog... By the way, I
left the glasses in the urinal and got more
ordered the next day." (NoStrings)
Read all the fuckers here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/purefury/
>> This week: Love/hate Britain <<
This week's been all about the Ralf Miliband,
the Daily Mail and why people love or hate
their country. Tell us one thing you hate
about Britain, and one thing about why you
love it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/lovehatebritain/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Deadly lake that turns animals to stone <<
Lake Natron in Tanzania is highly caustic,
killing pretty much anything that falls in it.
That said, this photographer has managed to
make smashing pics by posing the resulting,
macabre animal 'statues'.
http://bit.ly/15Fc2zj
>> Mouldy food in the office fridge <<
It's Friday: Remember to clear your crap out of
the communal fridge. These festering pots are
both a stark warning and strangely beautiful.
http://containerspore.tumblr.com/
>> Then & Now: Vintage crime scenes <<
Somewhat harrowing scenes of mayhem and murder,
superimposed on their present-day New York
locations. Adds just enough interest to the
slightly shop-worn 'then & now' trope.
http://nydn.us/13Qux2L
>> Corridor looks like a crotch <<
Sceptical? So were we. But it does - almost to
the point of being NSFW.
http://bit.ly/18usKop
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Tell your friends: TV's on the web!
>> Chimp sees magic for the first time <<
Charming antics, as an adorable chimpanzee is
treated to her very first magic show. She's so
baffled!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> New iPhone speed-tested against every iPhone <<
Just what it says in the title. Pleasing to see
them all lined up and rebooting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Wrecking Ball hedgehog parody <<
No more Wrecking Ball parodies please - this
one is perfect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Talking Devil Cat <<
Two slightly hysterical Irish ladies are
startled by a cat that seems to be telling them
to "Go away!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Amazing wingsuit camera <<
Bloke jumps off cliff wearing one of those
panoramic cameras. You can control the view, as
he plummets towards the ground in his wingsuit.
http://bit.ly/1fIBDi3
>> Daily Mail editor crushed on Newsnight <<
It's not often you get to cheer for Alistair
Campbell. But here he delivers a tremendous
verbal beatdown on Daily Mail deputy editor Jon
Steafel, over the paper's peculiar fixation on
the Milibands.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Controversial Computer
Game Challenge
Last week we wanted you to outdo GTA5 in
the tabloid-baiting stakes
Your favourites included:
* NAIL: Geordie minstrel applies regional
spin to child-kidnap blockbuster (evilrob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014127
* BONGO: pompous UKIP babblemouth attends
old-skool interview (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11015947
* DEATH: spectacular suicide-prompting
adventure selection (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014417
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/controversial-games/
>> New challenge: Sausage Art <<
This week's challenge is to take the
humble sausage and turn it into great
art. You task is to adapt classics by
adding porky extensions, or to create
entirely new masterpieces. Extra points
for real-life use of a sausage source
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sausage-art/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
* BUY FLATFROG'S BOOK - "Any chance you could
pretty please tell the world about my book?"
asks flatfrog. "It's aimed at 10-14 year-olds
and I've been rewriting it for about 20 years
without ever knowing if it's any good." To be
fair, we don't know if it's any good either,
but here it is as a community bulletin.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00FK7BUE...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* INTERNET DATING TROLLING - make a fake
profile of a beautiful woman. See how many
replies you get. Photoshop her left eye 5%
bigger. See how many replies you get. At what
percent are men put off? If at all?
* LITERAL TUBE STOP PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT - take
a photo standing in front of the Hatton Cross
tube station sign, with a hat on, looking cross.
* HYBRID WIRELESS / USB MICE AND KEYBOARD -
they should charge from USB then work
wirelessly. Sort it out, Shnapple.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Quesadilla: [email protected]
Burrito: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel an
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
the wicked crucial b3ta crew.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Rob Manuel.
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TOP TIP:
Men. Make yourself infinitely more appealing
to women by cultivating a bitter, misogynistic
personality online. (drimble)
