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NEWSLETTER: 12 SURPRISING REASONS YOUR PENIS WON'T WORK AS A BIRO

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This Week:
* REVIEW - The FloppyMan portable music player
* HATE - What does the Daily Mail think of you?
* MAGIC - Little chimp sees her first trick

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Tick-tick
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      tick-tick
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         boom"

B3ta email 601 - 4 Oct 2013

Hear this newsletter via internal voices:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue601

   Re-up : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Shee-it : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
The Fabulous Gay Adventures of Vladimir Putin

  Greetings - please have a nibble on the latest
  fruit from the mashed vine - The Fabulous Gay
  Adventures of Vladimir Putin (see it here - ) -
  by somegreybloke - so watch and subscribe you
  b3tards!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLVLwcMVXOY


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Dad reviews the 'FloppyMan' <<
  "My pops reviews this awesome product,"
  explains Touched by an Anglegrinder. Which
  still leaves us with the question: where can we
  get hold of this amazing device?
http://b3ta.com/links/1074696/


  >> European ski-style song <<
  "I made a video about the lifestyle of European
  ski instructors," blasts WALLOP. This is
  hard-hitting stuff, yo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=495BFCFiUm8&hd=1


  >> Britney Spears 'Work Bitch' <<
  "I have remade Britney Spears' new video, Work
  Bitch," writes woahbot. "I stripped it of all
  high production values but kept things tasty.
  Enjoy."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1076611


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: USVSTH3M
  Some of the best stuff from our other site

  >> How Much Are You Hated by the Daily Mail? <<
  Ever worry where you fit in the Daily Mail's
  world-view? Find out by taking this simple test.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/


 >> You Can't Javascript Under Pressure <<
  One for the coders: How fast can you complete
  these exercises in scripting dexterity.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/javascript-under-pressure/


  >> Iain Duncan Smith's Unemployment Simulator <<
  Welcome to the future of unemployment.
http://bit.ly/1bpnoMn


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: AMAZON TAT
  Ravished by the Triceratops (Dinosaur Erotica)

  @nik_the_brief writes, "This is just crying out
  for inclusion in B3TA's newsletter and a few
  smart-arse reviews."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00EZCQADA/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Last week: Pure Fury

  We asked, 'A friend's dad once stormed up to
  me and threatened to "punch your stupid face
  in" because I pointed a camera at him. I was
  11. Have you ever done something innocent or
  made a harmless joke that ended in threats to
  your person?'


  * BATSHIT MENTAL - "I once had a girlfriend,
  perfection personified: warm, kind,
  articulate, witty, and shagged like a steam
  train on steroids. I really thought I had it
  made. I remember very clearly the first time
  the other side of her made an appearance. I
  was standing stunned as she screamed and
  ranted, veins bulging in her forehead and
  rabid spittle collecting in the corners of her
  mouth. Eventually, having redistributed the
  furniture around the room, and run out of
  objects and invective to hurl at me, she
  stormed out and disappeared. My crime, you
  ask? Apparently, I'd cut the vegetables at the
  wrong angle." (moon monkey)

  
  * ANSWER-PHONE BLEEPS - "A mate of mine once
  played me a voicemail he'd received. I can't
  remember it exactly, but it was along the
  lines of 'Andy you fucker I'm going to kill
  you I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT TO ME YOU
  BASTARD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY YOU'D BETTER
  WATCH YOUR BACK I FUCKING KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
  YOU WANKER YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER
  BORN I'M GOING TO...oh sorry, I've just
  realised this is the wrong number, sorry'."
  (skullfunkerry)


  * STRANGE PROPOSAL, "Visiting the urinal at my
  local pub. During my beer fueled wee I
  happened to let out a rather violent sneeze,
  which sent my glasses flying from my face. My
  glasses went hurtling slightly to my right and
  bounced off the penis of the chap standing
  next to me. Now, confusingly he assumed not
  only that I had managed to do that
  deliberately, but that it was some sort of
  weird homosexual mating ritual. I was very
  angrily informed that if I tried any more of
  that 'bender shit' that he would rip my balls
  off and feed them to his dog...  By the way, I
  left the glasses in the urinal and got more
  ordered the next day." (NoStrings)

  Read all the fuckers here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/purefury/


  >> This week: Love/hate Britain <<
  This week's been all about the Ralf Miliband,
  the Daily Mail and why people love or hate
  their country. Tell us one thing you hate
  about Britain, and one thing about why you
  love it. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/lovehatebritain/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Deadly lake that turns animals to stone <<
  Lake Natron in Tanzania is highly caustic,
  killing pretty much anything that falls in it.
  That said, this photographer has managed to
  make smashing pics by posing the resulting,
  macabre animal 'statues'.
http://bit.ly/15Fc2zj


  >> Mouldy food in the office fridge <<
  It's Friday: Remember to clear your crap out of
  the communal fridge. These festering pots are
  both a stark warning and strangely beautiful.
http://containerspore.tumblr.com/


  >> Then & Now: Vintage crime scenes <<
  Somewhat harrowing scenes of mayhem and murder,
  superimposed on their present-day New York
  locations. Adds just enough interest to the
  slightly shop-worn 'then & now' trope.
http://nydn.us/13Qux2L


  >> Corridor looks like a crotch <<
  Sceptical? So were we. But it does - almost to
  the point of being NSFW.
http://bit.ly/18usKop


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Tell your friends: TV's on the web!
  
  >> Chimp sees magic for the first time <<
  Charming antics, as an adorable chimpanzee is
  treated to her very first magic show. She's so
  baffled!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmsCPiRoViU


  >> New iPhone speed-tested against every iPhone <<
  Just what it says in the title. Pleasing to see
  them all lined up and rebooting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eSrdgTHhK0


  >> Wrecking Ball hedgehog parody <<
  No more Wrecking Ball parodies please - this
  one is perfect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlA4RH1Riwo


  >> Talking Devil Cat <<
  Two slightly hysterical Irish ladies are
  startled by a cat that seems to be telling them
  to "Go away!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxiz--MY8o4


  >> Amazing wingsuit camera <<
  Bloke jumps off cliff wearing one of those
  panoramic cameras. You can control the view, as
  he plummets towards the ground in his wingsuit.
http://bit.ly/1fIBDi3


 >> Daily Mail editor crushed on Newsnight <<
  It's not often you get to cheer for Alistair
  Campbell. But here he delivers a tremendous
  verbal beatdown on Daily Mail deputy editor Jon
  Steafel, over the paper's peculiar fixation on
  the Milibands.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-GMTxycAXY


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Controversial Computer 
  Game Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to outdo GTA5 in
  the tabloid-baiting stakes

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NAIL: Geordie minstrel applies regional 
  spin to child-kidnap blockbuster (evilrob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014127
 
  * BONGO: pompous UKIP babblemouth attends 
  old-skool interview (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11015947
  
  * DEATH: spectacular suicide-prompting 
  adventure selection (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014417
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/controversial-games/


  >> New challenge: Sausage Art <<
  This week's challenge is to take the 
  humble sausage and turn it into great 
  art. You task is to adapt classics by 
  adding porky extensions, or to create 
  entirely new masterpieces. Extra points 
  for real-life use of a sausage source
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sausage-art/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

  * BUY FLATFROG'S BOOK - "Any chance you could
  pretty please tell the world about my book?"
  asks flatfrog. "It's aimed at 10-14 year-olds
  and I've been rewriting it for about 20 years
  without ever knowing if it's any good." To be
  fair, we don't know if it's any good either,
  but here it is as a community bulletin.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00FK7BUES/b3ta-21


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * INTERNET DATING TROLLING - make a fake
  profile of a beautiful woman. See how many
  replies you get. Photoshop her left eye 5%
  bigger. See how many replies you get. At what
  percent are men put off? If at all?

  * LITERAL TUBE STOP PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT - take
  a photo standing in front of the Hatton Cross
  tube station sign, with a hat on, looking cross.

  * HYBRID WIRELESS / USB MICE AND KEYBOARD -
  they should charge from USB then work
  wirelessly. Sort it out, Shnapple.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Quesadilla:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Burrito:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel an
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by 
  the wicked crucial b3ta crew.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Rob Manuel.

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  TOP TIP:
  Men. Make yourself infinitely more appealing
  to women by cultivating a bitter, misogynistic
  personality online. (drimble)

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