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NEWSLETTER: "CAN'T PROPER SENTENCE BECAUSE INTERNET"

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This Week:
* CRUDE - Cock-based Ant & Dec
* TRUTH - facts of being an old fart
* BANGER - in a cow-pat

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Je ne     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    sais pas
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       pourquoi"

B3ta email 608  - 22 Nov 2013

Eat these words: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue608 

   Subs :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Unsub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Conan gets Smeariaked <<
  "I teamed up with the Mutated Monty on this
  musical retrospective video for Conan O'Brien,"
  writes smearballs. "I've always been a big fan
  so it was great to be able to collaborate -
  video fuckery at its finest!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Conan_gets_Smeariaked


  >> Morrisons Crudely-Drawn Christmas <<
  Funnier than it has any right to be, for being
  Ant & Dec noshing on doodled, crimson penises.
  Well done, The Twisted Omentum.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Morrisons_Crudely_Drawn_Christmas


  >> Epic Pants Split feat. Van Damme <<
  "He's fairly well hung it turns out," gasps
  smearballs, about his revamp of the Jean Claude
  Van Damme at that has the internet a-flutter. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Epic_Pants_Split_feat_Van_Damme


  >> London Underground service information sign maker <<
  "Something I knocked up," explains chippy. Now
  you can generate your own 'hand-written Tube
  information signs, with messages uplifting or
  considerably otherwise.
http://tubesign.herokuapp.com/


  >> World's most amazing shed interiors <<
  "Here are sheds that look a bit like off the
  shelf sheds you can buy anywhere – but look
  what the sheddie has done to them!" exclaims
  shed enthusiast and Sheddie Award Authority
  unclewilco.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1100042/


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: USVSTH3M
  We made this - hope you like it

 * 39 things only men approaching 40 will
 understand. All of them are beautifully,
 heartbreakingly true, not all of them are about
 body hair.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/67749620205/


 * Where the Hell is Hull? It's City of Culture
 2017 and everybody had a good laugh, but can you
 locate the famously 'grim' northern city?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/hull/


 * 11 parental IT support issues you can expect
 if you go home this holiday. Yes, it's almost
 that magical time of the year when you go see
 your folks, to spend three days fixing their
 installation of Windows '98.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/67745798368/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Attention-whoring
  
  Last week we asked what ridiculous things have
  you or others done to grab the limelight?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/attentionwhore/

  * "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
  me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
  me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
  me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

  "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
  me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
  me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!"
  (Pig Bodine)


  >> This Week - Job Interview <<
  "The boss showed me the shop floor, complete
  with loose floor tiles, out-of-date equipment
  and prospective colleagues eyeing me like a raw
  steak. 'Christ, what a craphole,' I said. I
  think that's the moment I blew it." (Scaryduck)
  
  Tell us how you didn't (or even *did*) get the job.    
http://b3ta.com/questions/???/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> "Dear New World Order" petition <<
  Got any conspiracy nutters in your life? Post
  this on your FB wall and see if they bite...
http://goo.gl/vxzh3H


  >> Love-doll tea party <<
  We find love-dolls a bit too... corpsey, for
  want of a better word. Anyway, check out these
  peculiar photos of a get-together for members
  of a love-doll enthusiast forum. NSFW a couple
  of shots.
http://imgur.com/a/ZpIOL


  >> Sad desk lunches <<
  Over half of us eat lunch at our desks these
  days. But, still, some people make more of an
  effort than others - many of these are just
  plain depressing.
http://saddesklunch.com/


  >> Bad engagement photos <<
  These pics run the gamut of cheesey poses,
  terrible locations, over-ambitious use of
  Photoshop. But we have a sneaky liking for some
  of them. Better that people do something that
  reflects their personality than conform to some
  po-faced notion of 'good taste'.
http://badengagementphotos.tumblr.com/


  >> Make a deal with the universe <<
  Your chance to write one of those visualisation
  notes for the Universe to give you what you
  want. If it's good enough for Noel Edmonds,
  it's more than good enough for you.
http://www.makeadealwiththeuniverse.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  You've been FRAPSed. Or something.

  >> Students think video cam is a still cam <<
  Hilariously awkward, as smiles and poses become
  increasingly strained.
http://goo.gl/AXs0nk


  >> Bob Dylan’s ‘Like A Rolling Stone’ <<
  The problem of online video is it's asking you
  stop clicking for a few minutes, sit back and
  watch. The clever bods who put together this
  video for grumpy, old Bob Zimmerman have
  recognised this and filmed multiple video
  tracks for you to flick through.
http://video.bobdylan.com/desktop.html


  >> Banger in a cowpat <<
  You know how this is going to end - you know!
  But you're still going to watch it - who could
  resist?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZI1eeV88lQ


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 

  * Bad translation or animal welfare issue?
  Computer game takes disturbing twist.
http://i.imgur.com/ZCrTt2O.jpg


  * Extremely Freudian NSA spy station. We knew
  it was a male-dominated world, but wow.
http://goo.gl/2ujDfT


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pet Instructions Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PARADOX: Austrian physicist develops quantum 
  theory via medium of IKEA (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11029347
 
  * ORIFICE: toilet-completing moggy receives final
  instruction (robneymcplum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11029728
  
  * BIRDY: startled starlings flee forming flying 
  face (Penultimate Straw)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11030755

  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pet-instructions/


  >> New challenge: Past People Today <<
  If famous people of the past were alive today, 
  what would they be doing? How would they change 
  the world again? monkeon wants to know, and it's 
  this week's challenge to tell him.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/past-people-today/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * A NEW SCIENCE - we already failed at biology,
  chemistry and physics. What else is there?
  
  * A MORE PLEASANT WAY TO WAKE UP in the morning
  than being quacked at by a robo-duck. At least,
  that's what it feels like.
  
  * A CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD. Come on, it's
  been ages - are we being out-thought by germs?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by GeordieJay,
  UltimateMonkey, Sir Sand GOBLIN, sinisterduck,
  Queef In a Jar.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  this is your amygdala is QOTW bloke.
 
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  TOP TIP:
  Look here
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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