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NEWSLETTER: OFFICIALLY NOT HALF AS GOOD AS IT USED TO BE

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This Week:
* ANIM - Social Media Giant Squid
* DIY - Horrible Home-Made Sex Doll
* VID - Fat Little Squirrel Says Hello

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Marco?"     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 615  - 17 Jan 2014

Eat this newsletter and shit it out: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue615 

   xxx :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   xxxx : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Everything I know about teaching by Michael Gove

  Settle in, this ought to be good...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1492912417/b3ta-21 

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Giant squids, Doorstops and Apprentice

  >> Somegreybloke on the Giant Squid Menace etc <<
  The grey-hued everynerd skewers the greatest
  monsters of social media. Troublingly accurate.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123120


  >> "My dog has a preoccupation with doorstops" <<
  Extra marks to BaronMunchausen for naming a dog
  after Iggy Pop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doorstop


  >> Apprentice face-mixing <<
  Add Piers Morgan's eyes to Alan Sugar's nose,
  what do you get? Anything you like - he doesn't
  have Donald Trump's ears yet! Good stuff, from
  earlyshakespeare.
http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/apprentice.html


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: USVSTH3M CORNER
  Interactive stuff made by 'sister' project
  
  * Who is your inner rock god? - Sex, drugs, or
  just rock n lols? Our quiz will match you with
  a music legend.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/who-is-your-inner-rock-god/


  * We'll show you some British homes. All you
  have to do is work out: is the price higher or
  lower?
http://games.usvsth3m.com/play-your-house-prices-right/


  * The Parental Advisory Movie Quiz - Can you
  identify the film from the Parental Advice
  warnings given by the IMDb?
http://games.usvsth3m.com/parental-advisory-movie-quiz


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  "That escalated quickly..."
  
  Last week we asked for stories of situations
  that had got out of control:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thatescalatedquickly/


  * SLIGHT - "No situation escalates quicker than
   a spoiled child not getting what he wants, and
   this young chap had everything: SKY TV, a remote
   control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but
   a SNES AND a Gameboy. But one day, in the space
   of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School
   Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life
   of mockery.

   "He was found in the middle of the playground
   crying his eyes out with multiple teachers
   restraining him from bashing his mother with a
   broken tree branch. What had set him off on
   this violent escapade? It was Red Nose Day.
   His mum had come to school at lunch to give
   him his red nose.

   "Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new
   colour changing ones. Instead it was an
   ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of
   Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any
   rational young child he decided that this was
   a crime that could only be punished by violent
   stick-based matricide."
(danishbacon)

  
  * FLIGHT - "The lifts in the Natwest tower were
   pretty fast. They use to escalate pretty quickly.
   When I was working as a despatch rider we used to
   like a job to the Nat West Tower. If you timed it
   right going down, you could jump in the air and
   sort of float back to the floor. Sort of.

   One of the guys I worked with did it three
   times on the way down, and then puked in front
   of the other horrified occupants of the lift."
(username failed moderation)

  
  * FIGHT - "A small town in Suffolk. Karl and I
   had been out drinking all night and were stumbling
   through the streets in search of food, when we
   bumped into his younger sister insulting a rather
   chavvy acquaintance of hers.
   
   "We were therefore in the perfect position to
   observe when thirty of his mates and forty of
   hers rounded opposing corners and decided to
   settle the matter with fists.

   "We sat on a bench for a minute or so and
  observed the running battle that had erupted
  from nowhere - literally within seconds -
  before I made what was possibly the most
  laconic 999 call ever.

   "'Yeah, there's a fight by the church. About
   seventy. Weapons? Nah, can't see any but I
   heard glass smashing a moment ago. Oh, there
   it is again, listen *holds up phone in
   direction of the fight*.' Within seconds five
   police cars, a police landrover, two police
   vans and an ambulance rolled up. Took all of
   them to break it up too."
(MatJ)


  >> This Week - BAD SMELLS <<
  Guffs, trumps, farts, botty burps and panty
  poots. And that tramp you hid in the shed.
  Which is smellier?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/smells/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Guy makes home-made sex doll <<
  Predictably horrific results. Nice balloon tits
  though.
http://goo.gl/XXTrvs


  >> Amusingly-titled novel by the author of Tarzan <<
  Is this really real? Well, no. But it is funny.
http://goo.gl/fd04K2


  >> Artist makes beautiful paintings with MS Excel <<
  You will click, you will look, you will go
  "fucking hell, is that really Microsoft
  Excel??" It is Microsoft Excel.
http://goo.gl/6ExBrx


  >> "My week on the Butterfield Diet" <<
  If you don't know what the Butterfield Diet is,
  you should immediately rush to YouTube and
  watch the clip. The premise is this: starve
  yourself for a week and then, for a single day,
  gorge yourself stupid. Does it work?
http://goo.gl/dtDI3i


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> The Steadi-Cam Spoon <<
  Innovative design for Parkinson's sufferers -
  the end stays steady, despite hand tremors.
  There are probably useful wanking applications
  too.
http://www.liftlabsdesign.com/#prettyPhoto/0/


  >> Baby meets dad's twin for the first time <<
  It's all so confusing!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122672


  >> Tesla Coils Play Inspector Gadget <<
  Fun fact: Nikolai Tesla invented Inspector
  Gadget 30 years before Edison thought of it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123063


  >> Devil Baby prank <<
  Put an evil-looking fake baby in a push-chair,
  leave it to spring up and startle inquisitive
  passersby. Kind of funny, but also punishing
  people for looking out for an abandoned baby.
  Eh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Devil_Baby_prank


  >> New Muppet movie trailer <<
  Loving the Muppets' take on internet comment
  reviews - also, it has Tina Fey who we love
  longtime. It... it might be a good film.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/_:110


  >> Hello I am a fat little squirrel <<
  Non-stop adorable chat from the chubby little
  rodent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122294


  >> Firestarter video no music <<
  Somehow creepier with just damp dripping down
  the walls and Keith muttering.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123130


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  What a cunt

  This guy definitely sounds like a character
  from Game of Thrones.
http://goo.gl/V5jA4b


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Food Flim Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate gastronomic
  cinema 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TOLKIEN: midget humanoid thwarts meme-bound,
  croissant-gobbling foe (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11049164
 
  * DINNER: leather-faced woodcutter uses skills
  for Greek mince classic (Fresh Water Mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044440
  
  * CHEDDAR: hippy motorcyclists straddle cheese
  machines for road trip (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044675
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/foodfilms/


  >> New challenge: Zero Gravity <<
  This week's celestial challenge is to make jokes 
  in space: try Photoshops of weightless things, or 
  how about some clever photography? (suggested by 
  HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zero-gravity/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A schedule for this newsletter.
  
  * Seriously. We had plans tonight.
  
  * Also, kittens or some shit.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   xxxxx:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    xxxxxx:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Mann,
  spellingmistakescostlives, simbosan, Q4nobody,
  HappyToast, jonofthesouth, robneymcplum,
  miltonlives, dirtyscarab, Firkinfedup,
  Tab Hunter, Leemondus.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Pret A Manger coffee cup sleeves make ideal
  Blake's 7 style bracelets for the
  science-fiction fan on a tight budget.







  "Polo!"

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