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NEWSLETTER: BLOODY IMMIGRANTS, COMING OVER HERE, TAKING OUR NOBEL PRIZES

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This Week:
* DANGER - world's worst streetview streets
* PIZZA - in your frying pan???
* BLACK DOCTOR WHO - who's your fave?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're still here.
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   We still care.
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    (When we're awake)"

B3ta email 640 - 10 Oct 2014

Read this issue in 3D on your Google Cardboard:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue640 

   Kiss : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Piss : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  Oooh look. A second B3ta newsletter in as many
  weeks and we put in extra time going through
  the old email - loads of truly excellent stuff!
  Please be sure to send us your things via the
  mailus form, so we
  have a good load of links to look at. Thanks.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: SPONSORED LINK
  
  We used to sell ads or link to some Amazon tat
  but this week, if you want to support the
  newsletter then buy some shit from our wishlist.
http://snurl.com/29bxpee 


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Well in the last few months maybe

  >> Frying pan pizza <<
  Colmcq2 has invented a new way to cook pizza
  from scratch - just using a frying pan. It's
  an extraordinary method, finally an alternative
  to pizza stones! Who would've thought such
  innovation was possible? You'll be seeing this on
  all the cookery shows - we bet a million quids.
http://myfoodeeblog.com/2014/10/02/cheap-fast-pizza/


  >> Is Nigel Farage deliberately copying Kim Jong? <<
  Iambob writes, "When I saw Nigel Farage
  gleefully riding a tank in the news today, I
  thought he looked like a crazy dictator. 'Is it a
  one-off?' I wondered. Just a co-incidence? A small
  amount of google image searching later, I am
  worried it is not..." BTW: if you vote UKIP please
  unsub from this newsletter.
http://kimjongfarage.tumblr.com/


  >> Breaking into a theme park <<
  Plasticine-botherer Lee Hardcastle writes,
  "Slowly but surely, I'm talking baby steps into
  the world of 'live action' film making. This is
  my latest effort, funded by Thorpe Park." Give
  this man a BUDGET, ok?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/breaking_into_a_theme_park


  >> Black Doctor Who <<
  Peter Judge writes, "What if Doctor Who was
  black? With Doctor Who coming back and all that,
  I made an alternative reality list. Oh, and I
  got in Morgan Freeman." Reminds us of the
  wonderful Black Seinfeld sketch. 
http://judgecorp.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/what-if-doctor-was-black.html


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: USVSTH3M CORNER
  Recent stuff made by that other 'b3ta-ish' project

  * Homeopathic Battleship - Homeopathy tells us
  that things get more powerful at higher
  dilutions. Can you hit a battleship at the most
  powerful dilution of all? (made by b3ta's own
  Monkeon)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/homeopathic-battleship/


  * How Clean Is Your Screen? - Can you tell our
  real dirt from your fake dirt?  (also made by
  Monkeon)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-clean-is-your-screen/


  * What House Could You Buy In The Past? -
  Depress yourself by discovering how much easier
  your parents had it! (made by Tom Scott, cr3,
  Mushybees & Rob Manuel)
http://games.usvsth3m.com/what-house-could-you-buy-in-the-past/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Real-Life Slapstick II
 
  Last week we asked for incidents of real-life
  slapstick you'd witnessed. Or simply made up for lols.
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick2/


  * FUEL - "After motorcycle training, my test
   went without problem and I parked up with the
   others to watch the remaining candidates. One
   lass on a scooter was approaching a corner when
   she managed to fuck up royally: rather than
   slowing, she accidentally grabbed a large handful
   of throttle.

   "The bike shot forwards, hit a wall and
   somehow bounced in such a way that it actually
   drove UP the wall. It came to rest about 2m
   up, hanging from the ivy that covered the
   brickwork. The rider had been deposited on the
   ground below, perfectly placed to receive,
   full in the face, the stream of petrol now
   pouring out of the tank..."
(moon monkey)

 
  * CROTCH -"Attempting to alight from an Edinburgh
   double decker bus with a couple of mates, I was
   the first to go down the stairs.

   "As soon as I let go of the rail the bus
   driver slammed on the brakes as a car pulled
   out without warning. This sent me flying up
   towards the front of the bus, head first RIGHT
   into the crotch of a young lady.
   
   "It's quite tricky to remain cool when you
   have your face wedged into an attractive
   girl's mimsy and a crowded bus is collectively
   laughing its tits off at you. 20 years later,
   it still gets brought up by my mates. Cunts."
(Reverend Fister)
 

  * TURD - "I was walking with a friend up on the
   hill fort above Brighton, we decided to walk a
   little bit down an extremely steep hill to sit
   on the hillside and smoke a joint.

   "My mate took about three steps before sliding
   about three and a half metres on a massive dog
   turd. He was sliding on one foot, until said
   foot picked up momentum and travelled faster
   than his body, at which point it kicked up
   into the air above his head as he landed on
   his back.

   "Assuming he had landed in the turd he quickly
   rolled over onto his front, only to land face
   first directly into the turd...It was fucking
   hilarious."
(Glovington)


  >> This Week - Nepotism <<
  Ages ago Danishbacon suggested we ask about
  nepotism. As we weren't related, we ignored
  this. Tell us your worst examples, or admit
  to the time you employed your cousin and he
  totally fucked the job up:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nepotism/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * SPOOKY SHIT THAT DOES THE LINK ROUNDS THIS
  TIME OF YEAR - zh84stephen suggests that you
  "make a creepy doll mobile for Halloween."
http://www.epbot.com/2013/10/diy-creepy-doll-mobile-for-uh-halloween.html


  * SHIT ROADS - Chris recommends this "pretty
  cool website using Google's Street View
  technology to look at the most dangerous roads
  in the world."
https://towncentrecarparks.com/dangerous-roads/


  * READ-Y WORD THING - Robertvaliant writes, "I
  can't remember if it was B3ta that first linked
  me to the page where a guy had worked out the
  historical date of Ice Cube's 'good day' but
  thought about it today, googled it and found
  there was an update early this year. Not
  exactly topical but it's touching. In a good
  way. Not in a show-me-where-on-the-doll way."
http://murkavenue.tumblr.com/post/74217853222/the-return-to-finding-out-ice-cubes-good-day


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but even shittier

  * AWKWARD AD FOR TRAVEL AGENCY - if we ever went
  on holiday, we'd deffo book here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR3gpqGH1_U


  * APOCALYPSE POOH - tubaman writes, "This remix
  appropriates famous fictional animals from
  Disney's animated version of Winnie the Pooh and
  recasts them as characters in Francis Ford
  Coppola's gritty Vietnam War drama Apocalypse
  Now. In the new narrative, the beloved Hundred
  Acre Wood is transformed into a horrific war
  zone in which Pooh, Piglet, and the rest of the
  gang struggle to keep their sanity."
http://youtu.be/5jWGJ3pyLgs


  * GOOD WORK WITH THE PROMOTIONAL PLACEMENT,
  ASDA. BTW: Our fact of the week is that George
  Bush delayed the curing of diabetes by 8 years
  by banning stem cell research.
https://vine.co/v/OmxBWU3FuxP


  * WEIRD, PISSING YOUTUBE PERVERT - this guy films
  himself peeing on the seat whilst giggling. 
https://www.youtube.com/user/yomamdagreat1/videos


  * STAR TREK BEHIND THE SCENES - remember the
  bald lady alien from the first Star trek movie?
  Here is some strangely emotional footage of her
  having her hair shaved off. She cries.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHgdGTQiVbc


  * SEXY TIMES FOR ALL - Shazzoir writes, "Dear
  b3ta, ever wanted to protect your scrotum so
  badly you'd still wear your undies while having
  sex? Then this nifty, and informative, video
  complete with on-time rhymes is for YOU." The
  crappy animation and weirdness of product make
  this a double win.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHZ2VgvL0gY


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Not funny but fuck it, it's #content
  
  The problem about funny names and cock-shaped
  logos is that some people do it deliberately,
  as a shit marketing ploy and that stops it
  being funny. For example: 
http://stocklogos.com/topic/dirty-bird-fried-chicken-logo-amuses-some-offends-others

  Loathsome. Fucking loathsome.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Victorians' challenge

  Last week celebrated all things victorian,
  men in big hats, women in bigger skirts and 
  family photos with the deceased.
 
  Your favourites included:

  * The War of the Stars: Georges Méliès 
  classic space opera (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11103553

  * Under the skirt: What lies beneath a
  victorian lady (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11103579
 
  * Tunes: Wax battles on the wheels of
  mahogany (LP)
http://b3ta.com/board/11104094
  
  All these images, and a couple more can be found
  here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Victorians/


   >> New challenge: Useless Machines <<
  This week we want to see your fantastic 
  inventions that do absolutely NOTHING.
  Challenge suggested by Drimble.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/uselessmachines/


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: EMAILS FROM THE US GOVERNMENT?!

  Trawling through email we found this:
  
  "Hi. The US Library of Congress is working on a
  project to archive websites that document
  digital/internet culture. We would like to
  contact you about the possibility of archiving
  b3ta. Could you write back to me with an email
  address that we can contact you at? Best,
  Trevor" Fuck - the spooks are onto us!
http://blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2014/06/getting-serious-about-collecting-and-preserving-digital-culture/

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: EMAILS OF SUPPORT MISSING THE NEWSLETTER

  * Maryanndoherty writes, "My dear sirs: What the
  hell has happened to the newsletter? My
  psychological well-being is in serious jeopardy
  without my weekly fix. I, without doubt, will
  attribute the decline in work, social and
  personal productivity to the failure of your
  association in producing a newsletter since July
  18. Really? July 18!
  
  "And you expect the populace to accept this
  without complaint or uprise? So many missed
  opportunities to mock your mates across the
  pond: importing ebola; White House invasions;
  other stuff...I want my b3ta back. Please.
  Pretty please."


  * Oingodeboingo writes, "You are the best thing
  on the internet and have been for years for me.
  Please please keep going. You inspire me. If you
  can't keep going, then thank you, thank you, and
  thank you. Thank you for what you've done for
  me. All the best and. All my love. "


  * Andy writes, "Howdy! Love you guys! What's
  happened to the weekly newsletter! I have
  nothing to read now when the baby wakes ME up at
  6am on a Saturday!! :( Cheers Andy"
  
  
  * Rob writes, "Sup sup, I've never ever messaged
  you guys before but must have returned to your
  site at least once a month for the best part of
  ten years. I love it and I love the fact that
  you've never changed the UI."


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    Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win jack shit:
    https://twitter.com/b3ta
  
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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mubarak,
  @RubyJubilee, barryheadwound, john_s_francis
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Enzyme.
  
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  TOP TIP: Bent iPhone? Try not to bend it, you
  clumsy twat. (eViLegion)

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