NEWSLETTER: WARNING: YOUR MENTAL CAPSLOCK KEY IS JAMMED
This Week:
* CAMERA - on a sparrow
* WIKIPEDIA'S greatest hoaxes
* BALLS OF FLAMING SHIT - Classic Question
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | gopher sites
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 659 - 10 April 2015
Read this issue dripping blood from your eyes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue659
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: SPONSORED LINK
Casio F-91W Digital Watch
Figured we might as well plug our favourite
digital watch again. It beeps! It has a
stopwatch! The battery lasts ten years!
Al-Qaeda loves it!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000J34HN...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making lovely photoshops
* A SONG ABOUT JEREMY HUNT - eclectech writes,
"also about the NHS and why James Naughtie was
right. Also includes a meerkat in a wig and a
dancing David Cameron. Music by The Now Nows,
featuring b3ta old timer Doghorse. Basically,
we went a bit old skool."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy:2
* CAT PUSHES DOG INTO THE POOL - Slurpy J doing
his usual translation trickery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1294091
* WIND FARM PROTESTOR (1637) - jurassicpaul
says, "People complaining about wind turbines is
nothing new."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wind_Farm_Protester_1637
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AMUSING STORY FROM AN OLD QUESTION OF THE WEEK
This time? 'Flaming balls of shit!'
I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I
get together, we're positively chaotic. This
episode tells of a time shortly after he was
blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.
So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not
served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny
with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit
came along, however, he and the missus quickly
(within three days) tired of terry-towelling
nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for
four months. To deal with the disposables, he
simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum
outside the house.
Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the
drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot
autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less
happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk.
What to do, what to do?
Burying? Nope - not biodegradable. Can't take it
to the tip, we're all too pissed. No more drums,
so can't start another load. I know; let's burn
it! It's, after all, a metal oil drum. That'll
work great! Ah, but the drum is full - to the very
brim - with sh*tty nappies.
So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole
about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then
dribbled, over the course of the next two hours,
five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the
barrel.
Then - and we both thought we were SO very clever
- we used some detonation cord, and ran it through
the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the
petrol from the base of the fire.
Now - picture this in slow motion - the following
things happened. The det cord lit. The burning
ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord.
It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum.
There was a rumbling sound. That was the
oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run.
Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as
the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and
festering, rancid nappies exploded.
So here's what happened next. It turns out that
(who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than
nappies, especially when the top of the drum is
missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum
full of nappies from the bottom, you have created
a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the
squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I
looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of
fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire
above that.
The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, shit
filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into
the air and then started raining down on the
house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything
else. We also found out that stamping on them to
put them out isn't nice.
The smell was truly incredible. Some of those
nappies had been festering throughout a British
summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The
sound of the molotov shittails thumping down
around us, along with the smell of roasting piss,
shit and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.
The final crowning glory was when his wife came
out of the farmhouse, looked around at the
still-unfolding carnage, muttered "fucking hell"
and went back inside - not knowing that at least
30 flaming balls of shite were setting fire to the
roof above her head.
We eventually got the fires put out, with not too
much damage to property, but I was banned for a
LONG time. (lustfish)
http://b3ta.com/questions/darwin/post367250
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FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD FRIEND B3TA ON FACEBOOK
1. Old photoshops from the archive - we find them
both amusing and nostalgic.
2. Caption competitions involving George Osborne
and Henry the Hoover
http://bit.ly/henryhoover
3. Videos like 'cats are fuckers'
http://bit.ly/cats-are-fuckers
Essentially it's loads of good shit that'll go
into your Facebook feed, so add us now. 2,539
people have in a the couple of weeks we've been
doing it. And can 2,539 people ever be wrong? The
answer, of course, is no.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Non Fiction Video Games'
challenge
Last week we redesigned computer games to br
based on real people, places and films. Your
favourites included:
* ‘Alo: Gordon Kaye’s slightly racist shooter.
(Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11143796
* Portal EU Edition: Help Nigel Farage play the
Fat Controller (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11143889
* Chuckie: Hen House Harry lowers standards to
provide cheaper supermarket stock.
(barryheadwound)
http://b3ta.com/board/11144579
All these images, and a load more can be found
here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/nonficgames/
>> New challenge: Clickbait film posters <<
This week we’re updating movie posters to use
modern advertising methods. Sensational
headlines that draw in the viewer before
disappointing them yet again with another
re-hashed film plot.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/clickbaitfilm/
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16 LIES DAVID CAMERON TOLD DURING THE
#LEADERSDEBATE‬. EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRY NEEDS
TO SEE THIS.
* Herons have bigger teeth than alligators
* That he knows a bigger number than infinity and
it's not just infinity plus one
* That he can solve not only a Rubik's Cube
quicker than Miliband but also a Rubik's Snake
* That he personally campaigned to get Kellogg's to
put TWO packs of Coco Pops into the Variety Packs
* Ed Miliband is made of a gas
* Shoes were invented by his uncle and he still
has the patent
* His uncle gets 50p every time someone buys a
Hush Puppy
* The red dye in liquorice shoelaces is made from
scabs
* That he's got a CB radio with a 50 foot aerial
and he regularly talks to lorry drivers
* He's seen Toy Story 4 and 5
* That his dad wrote the theme tune to EastEnders
* That he once counted the perforations in a
teabag and there's less than 2,000
* He's got a special ring that lets him win fruit
machines
* It was his dad's idea to stick fruit in Pac-Man
* He's got a Playstation 5 but you can't see it
* That he's not an empty husk of a man shilling
for a bunch of shits
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FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER
Basically it's photoshops / best of the board
stuff that works well on a Twitter feed.
There's 4,616 of you at time of going to press
which means we really should have started pimping
this about 8 years ago. Nuts that we didn't.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Animated gifs with shouting
* THIS VIDEO WILL BLOW YOUR MIND. "We Put A
GoPro On A Sparrow," claims the continually
brilliant ClickHole.
http://bit.ly/clickhole-we-do-like-you
* APPLE PRANK - These guys went into an Apple
Store, pretended to work there and recommended
customers buy Microsoft. They come across as
unlikable nobs but it's a funny idea. BTW: If
you've $10k to spend on an Apple watch buy $10k
of shares in Google instead, as they're clearly
not being run by fucking idiots.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SWEARY SONG - we're enjoying this sweary
video. Warning: contains swears.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan/posts/1004662236213...
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: STUFF TO READ
You know words, what we did before youtube
* Superb article from Vice on the MedievalReacts
Twitter account. It's a post-website business
model: build a social audience then monetise by
publicising third party apps.
http://bit.ly/content-strategy-go-viral-hashtag
* Interesting read on why Superman IV was crap -
amusing detail about how it was filmed in Milton
Keynes and they stuck a few fire hydrants into
the shots to pretend it was New York
http://bit.ly/supermanky
* Here's a deep rabbit hole of reading to fall
into - all the hoaxes people have pulled on
Wikipedia. Making up fake TV shows, fake gurus -
some of these have lasted on the site for
nearly 10 years.
http://goo.gl/ey3YFf
* In 1985 the New York Times declared the fad
for the laptop over. Lest we forget:
http://bit.ly/hindsight-yeay
* Fart battles - probably the best scroll in
all of Japanese antiquity.
http://t.co/gmM0r4Ha4r
* BABY FLASKS - and how to make them.
http://www.instructables.com/id/baby-flask/
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Want to feel old? Imagine having a pensions and a
huge fucking house.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
BBC Hardon / Hadron mix up
Oh the BBC went and actually did it and mixed
up the letters on the Large Hadron Collider.
It's "what scientists describe as the world's
largest atom smasher," which sounds like a
dreadful euphemism that Danny Dyer might use.
http://bit.ly/oh-bbc
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Yay: [email protected]
Nay: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
the groovy b3ta forever people.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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TOP TIP:
If you're feeling tired, try sleeping for a
while. If it's not a convenient place or time to
sleep, a little sit-down might do the trick.
