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NEWSLETTER: "YES WE CAN'T QUITE BELIEVE IT EITHER BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A B3TA NEWSLETTER"

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"Yes we can't quite believe it either but it's actually a B3ta newsletter"
This Week:
* YES WE'RE BACK! Hello again! 
* VID - The Potato House returns
* GAME - Shunty Train
* READ - Sgt Pepper cover art fully explained

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're still alive and 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   have vague thoughts
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    about the internet"

B3ta email 671 - 05 May 2017

Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue671

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: YES, WE'RE BACK 

  Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Thought I'd bash out 
  a newsletter for a couple of reasons
  
  1. Noticed there was a few B3ta projects I
  really liked and I felt guilty I wasn't telling
  people about them
  
  2. Wondered if there's any interest in us doing
  this? Every fucker is writing newsletters these
  days and we used to have a popular one and people
  still ask us about it.
  
  So here we are. A newsletter in a format that
  was deliberately retro in 2001, publishing an 
  extra issue in 2017. Still in text. Still
  without any modern stuff like bold text or
  inline images.
  
  Not promising this every week but hey, once
  can't hurt [insert innuendo here Dave].

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  >> PROJECT: Sgt Pepper Source Images <<
  CCC writes, "I've been working on for
  a while on locating the source images for the cut-
  outs used on the cover of The Beatles' Sgt
  Pepper (plus some Beatle-related background
  info)." You might remember CCC from being the
  Monkey Man of Tunbridge Wells - look that one up in
  the archives.
  https://sgtpepperphotos.wordpress.com/ 


  >> VIDEO: Potato House <<
  Sheep! writes, "The next iteration of my potato
  light switch. Chips coming out of the plug
  socket is especially useful when I'm too tired
  to make dinner." This short video is doing /
  has done well on social media (depending on
  when you're reading this). Well done Sheep!
http://b3ta.com/links/1436142


  >> GAME: Shunty Train <<
  Spacefish writes, "It's a puzzle game where you
  have to shunt carriages into the right order.
  It's got pixels, you will like it. This was
  made by MGT, Newington and a couple of other
  b3ta folk; I just kind of egged them on and did
  some passive aggressive code editing."
http://glastonbridge.com/games/shunty 


  >> SECOND GAME: The Great Yodel Parcel Hunt <<
  Monkeon writes, "Where's Wally, but with Yodel
  Safe Places." Yes! We've missed Monkeon's games
  - may he make many more.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/parcelhunt/ 


-------------------------------------------------

: GENERAL ELECTION IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Keeping this open for the next few weeks

  Of course we need to do an image challenge around
  the election. It would be rude not to. Make sure
  you join in, this stuff is the makings of
  HISTORY.
  
  The best entries so far are LIT AF - sorry we
  mean woo and yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elections/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: REMEMBERING NOSTALGIA
  Hey Hey 16k

  @gasmanic writes: 

  "As of today, Hey Hey 16K by Mark Hibbett is now
  as old as the ZX Spectrum was when Hey Hey 16K
  was released."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3KE0EuzD4U

  Your Ginger Fuhrer reminisces, "Wow. Watched
  the video for first time in probably 10 years.
  The terrible bit of clipart I used for the
  family - the lump of the song I cut out because
  I wanted it to be nippier (sorry), the crap
  Frankie t-shirt I photoshopped in as a sop to
  the 80s. Shame the edges show in that YouTube
  version - they were cropped in the flash version
  by HTML - buggers up the framing somewhat. But
  mostly your great song!"


-------------------------------------------------

: 11 THINGS THE NEW LIAM GALLAGHER LP SOUNDS LIKE
  According to randoms on Twitter

  Loved that the NME posed the question "What will
  the new Liam Gallagher album sound like?" and
  everyone took the absolute piss in the replies.

  * An angry northern man having a very long
  argument in a car park

  * Like your second uncle who can't let go of the
  90s and stinks of Stella Artois wanking over his
  reflection on the mirror

  * Like Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler!" in a
  disabled toilet? 

  * Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from
  the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
  together  mass hysteria

  * Like a massive arsehole trying to sound like
  the Beatles? 

  * Hard Brexit

  * Pick any albums by Ringo Starr or Bill Wyman,
  get drunk, then splice them together

  * A guide dog being mown down by a sputtering
  tractor

  * Like Ian Brown shat himself and started crying
  in Argos

  * Like Professor Stephen Hawking getting beheaded

  * Like that time my cutlery drawer fell out and
  landed on the ca

  And in other Liam Gallagher news, the man
  himself has taken to Twitter to reignite the
  Brit-pop wars, "That gobshite out of blur might
  have turned noel Gallagher into a massive girl
  but believe you me nxt time i see him there's
  gonna be war."

  Liam. You're 44 years old. Grow up.

  (These newsletter writers are 43. Yes, we know)

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED AD
  Amazon echo (echo, echo, echo)

  Go and buy some shit on Amazon and we'll get
  about 50p on each purchase.

  Er... but what? We actually do recommend the
  Amazon Echo, it's a lot of fun even it spies on
  you. What doesn't these days, eh? We've also
  amused ourselves developing apps to make it
  swear, but haven't got round to publishing
  those.

  Buy one. Really. Make us happy and commit
  yourselves to corporate surveillance.   
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01GAGVIE4/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Remember websites? Nah, you're too young

  * REAPPRAISING NINE LIVES - interesting thread
  on the recent kids' movie where Kevin Spacey
  played a man trapped inside a cat's body
  suggesting it was literally made to talk to
  Trump.
https://twitter.com/jackbern23/status/859883967306235905 


  * Love this poster design for a Bridgnorth pub -
  bet we'll see this ripped off for loads of club
  nights.
https://twitter.com/j0nezy87/status/859360617890811911


  * This whole thread below these football
  supporters. Amazing.
https://twitter.com/liam__whu/status/855441195270631424 


  * Optical illusion that'll make your brain hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436445


  * The best pub review you'll read this year.   
https://goo.gl/ZmRmst


-------------------------------------------------
 
  BASIC is 53 years young this week!

  10 INPUT "Whose birthday is it?",a$
  20 GOSUB 100: GOSUB 100
  30 PRINT "Happy Birthday dear";a$
  40 GOSUB 100: END
  100 PRINT "Happy birthday to you": RETURN

Please fork our code on GITHUB.
https://github.com/robmanuel/happybirthday/blob/master/happybirthday.bas


-------------------------------------------------

: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
  Two biggest images from /board this week

  * THERESA MAY AS CIG SMOKER - This from JimmerUK
  went ballistic - the Twitter version scored
  nearly 4k likes and shares and 600k+ views on
  Facebook. And they were just the numbers we
  could see, as it was widely copied onto other
  accounts.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224887


  JimmerUK says "I haven't been this internet
  famous since I ate dog food." This is true,
  JimmerUK did eat dog food for an old B3ta
  newsletter. Ah, those were the days.
http://www.jimmeruk.com/Jim-Reports/catfood-vs-dogfood.html  


  * STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP - from the lovely
  HappyToast who's done so much to keep the image
  challenges going. 
http://b3ta.com/board/11224582


-------------------------------------------------

How to improve your Twitter in 5 easy steps. Mute
the following terms:

Piers Morgan. Podcast. Nuggs. #BBCQT. Strong and
Stable Government.

-------------------------------------------------

: FIVE TWEETS FROM THE AMUSING "DANNY DYER BOT"

  1. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
  Britain's horniest firemen

  2. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
  Britain's most spherical geese

  3. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
  Britain's most respected horses

  4. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
  Britain's most despicable geese

  5. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
  Britain's softest cats
  
  Follow @dannydyerbot NOW:
https://twitter.com/dannydyerbot


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but on your compu... via the interne...
  fuck it, this is just what TV is like now isn't
  it?
  
  * VIDEO OF PUB IN DONCASTER - this gets better
  every second and looks like a top place to have
  a night out.
https://twitter.com/Leonnoble82/status/859108441251618817 


  *  ANIMATED DOODLES ON TOP OF VIDEOS - submitted by Dyllon
  who says, "Trust me you'll like it." And the
  B3tans indeed liked it. "I liked it," replied
  Amadeus. You will like it too.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437429


  * PRINCESS LEIA'S STOLEN DEATH STAR PLANS -
  popular on the site and rated by viral genius
  Dr Dunno but we just couldn't get through this.
  But apparently you'll like it.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437340


-------------------------------------------------

: CLASSIC QUESTION OF THE WEEK
 
  Nearly 14 years ago we asked you to tell us your
  dad jokes and now many of you ARE dads and mums.
  Blimey.
  
  * 'Whenever I annoy him he dances about,
  pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum,
  I shagged your mum"' (Zak McFlimby)

  * 'Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a
  family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This
  gets a giggle from the children, until he turns
  to me and asks, quite calmly... "Should farts
  have lumps?"' (Orin)
  
  * 'I used to have a Saturday job in the men's
  department of M&S. My Dad would come in and ask
  the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you
  seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".'
  (butchbint)
http://b3ta.com/questions/dadjokes/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
  
  To be honest 18 months is a bit much to cover 
  here so fuck it, here's some stuff that doesn't
  fit in other sections. Pretty much how we always
  used this bit.

  * Your Ginger Fuhrer did a tweet that The Sun
  Stuck in one of their articles. He then amused
  himself by changing his name to "Fuck Off
  Murdoch", so there was a fun three hours with
  that on their website.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/859758042677751812

  * Your man Andrew Wilcox is still doing his
  wildly successful shed of the year and asking
  for entries.
https://twitter.com/unclewilco/status/844148318150316032

  * Joel Veitch is fine - we saw him the other day
  on location of a short film he wrote! So
  that's nice.

-------------------------------------------------

Remember: #BUMFriday = Block, Unfollow & Mute
BUM @piersmorgan BUM @KTHopkins BUM @Nigel_Farage
BUM the lot of them

-------------------------------------------------

: FAREWELL PRINCE PHILIP
  Prince of Trolls
  
  With Prince Philip stepping down from public
  life (and The Sun erroneously announcing his
  death) it's only right to remember him by a
  handful of his most offensive, most trollish
  sentences.

  Take it away Phil!

  * "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than
  a wife, but they are doing the same thing."

  * "People think there's a rigid class system
  here, but dukes have even been known to marry
  chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

  * After being told that Madonna was singing the
  Die Another Day theme in 2002: "Are we going to
  need ear plugs?"

  * On Ethiopian art, 1965: "It looks like the
  kind of thing my daughter would bring back from
  school art lessons."

  * To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea,
  1998: "You managed not to get eaten then?"

  * To female sea cadet last year: "Do you work in
  a strip club?"

  * And finally his best ever line: To Susan
  Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: "They have
  eating dogs for the anorexic now."


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: ALT NEWSLETTER TILES

  * "A strong and stable newsletter for a strong
  and stable internet" (Draconacticus )
  
  * "Newsletter #1 for all the new cunts"
  (robneymcplum)

  * "Maddie McCann 10 Year Anniversiary Edition." 
  (Ouch, Marxist Pig, ouch!) 

  All your suggestions here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11225228


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

  * LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THE FACEAPP THINGIE that
  swaps gender - app that makes porn clips of hot
  man/lady you. Support our kickstarter.

  * A MUSIC LAWYER BREAKING DOWN HOW - The Cult
  got away with having the same chorus on American
  Horse as David Lee Rother did on Goin' Crazy.
  Seriously, they are the same.

  * A COMPENDIUM OF MPs WITH STUPID NAMES - no
  else find it bad sitcom ridiculous that Fox /
  Hunt are in the Tory cabinet? Like if Labour had
  John Trade and Norman Union?


-------------------------------------------------

: WE ALSO ENJOYED THIS WEEK
  The resignation of Andrew Turner MP
  
  Particularly this highlight from his Wikipedia
  page: 

  "On 14 August 2006, Turner was attending the
  Isle of Wight County Show with his Jack Russell
  Terrier, when he lost hold of the lead. The dog
  escaped and attacked a four-year-old ferret who
  had to be put down. Turner later apologised to
  the ferret's owner."


-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson. 
  Links via Barst amongst others.

-------------------------------------------------

: IF YOU ENJOYED THIS NEWSLETTER AND WANT MORE
  Please donate to b3ta
  
  Seriously. It costs us money to keep servers
  going and stuff - bung us a couple of quid and
  we might even write a few more newsletters and
  not neglect the site so much. 
http://b3ta.com/donate/


-------------------------------------------------

  * Follow b3ta on Twitter: 
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

  * Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

  Seriously. Do this. REALLY.

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP: VOYEURS! - Sit on your hand AND on your
  penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking
  someone else off. (sabre-tooth monkey)

  Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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