NEWSLETTER: "REASSURING LATE, LIKE AN INTERNET PERIOD!"
"REASSURING LATE, LIKE AN INTERNET PERIOD!"
This Week:
* BREXIT - Are YOU prepared?
* IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS - from The Shining
* HOT TAKES - Why we need a Thatcher statue
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're slaving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | using crowd-sourced
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| photoshop lols"
B3ta email 686 - 21st July 2018
Read this issue pretending to be Danny Dyer*
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue686
-------------------------------------------------
: IMPORTANT BR3XIT VIDEO
Are you prepared?
Thanks to bonnie_prince_bob for prepping us for
Brexit with an exclusive leak of the
forthcoming Government information film.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Are_you_Prepared
-------------------------------------------------
* The secret to a Danny Dyer impression? Go full cockney and then add 10% camp.
-------------------------------------------------
: DEPRESSED SUPERHEROES
The icy claw of depression... Now in colour!
Alex Mallinson writes "I started making a comic
with a writer friend about 'Depressed
Superheroes' last year and it turned into
something I feel really strongly about and want
to get it out there. Most of the conversations
about mental health are either very worthy, or
very personal and we wanted to do something
that was honest, but also made us laugh a bit
and the comic just sort of happened."
https://twitter.com/depressedheroes
-------------------------------------------------
iPlayer should have a button that plays a random
show from a random point in, to replicate the
happy accidents of just turning the TV on and
getting engaged in something you wouldn’t choose
to watch.
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Photoshop The Shining
If you want to lose 5 years of your life, we
recommend googling the film analysis done by
Robert Ager on Kubrick movies, where he builds
up elaborate theories that most of the films
have extraordinary subtexts based upon what
objects are lurking in the back of shots. Or
alternatively have a look at our Shining
challenge which has come out rather well
because, quite simply, it's one of the most
iconic films ever made and every scene is a
visual gift.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/TheShining/popular
-------------------------------------------------
George Orwell changed his name from Eric Blair to
prevent his enemies knowing his real name and
doing black magic on him.
(According to the Telegraph anyway)
-------------------------------------------------
: BUY A TRUMP T-SHIRT
No, not a pro one, obviously
Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris are the writers
behind Charlie Brooker's Wipe (and the
wonderful podcast Rule Of 3) but sadly Wipe
2017 was cancelled as Brooker was too busy
making his Tales Of The Unexpected But The
Internet Is Bad show Black Mirror.
They've shared some notes they made which came
from a brainstorm "describe Donald Trump" and
each line is funnier than the last, it's a work
of supreme comedy in its own right:
A man who looks like he’s constantly shitting.
The face from a leaflet about blood pressure.
Pig off of Pipkins. Father Jack. A guinea pig
in a Toby Jug. Your first girlfriend’s horrible
dad. The evil Beach Boy. Someone trick or
treating as Paddy Ashdown. A kitten balanced on
a Chelsea bun. A fist full of straw. A
live-action reboot of President Business from
the Lego Movie. A talking haystack. A totem
pole made of fishpaste. A cross between Silvio
Berlusconi and Boss Hogg. A walking wig named
after a fart. Worzel Gummidge after a spa
weekend. A man who’s sprayed the top of his
head with so much thickener, it’s got into his
brain. The evil Bruce Forsyth. The Cheshire
Cunt. Less a politician than a bag of hair
through which stupid ideas could pass. Fascist
Bagpuss. Primitive He-Man doll made by a feral
child out of straw and turnips. Ageing He-Man
cosplayer dressed for court appearance. A fist
with hair. A home-made Alec Baldwin. A baboon’s
arse poking out from under a fucked doormat. An
American businessman from a Two Ronnies Dallas
sketch. Hitler Simpson. Donnie Dorko. The
sheriff from Live and Let Die. The crude
bigoted mayor from a simplistic children’s film
about racial tolerance. A shaved Bungle. A
billionaire bigot who looks a bit sweaty
because he’s trying to smuggle the prototype of
a giant Shredded Wheat out of the factory by
hiding it above his forehead. A Vic Reeves
drawing of Jimmy Savile. Your dad, drunk on
Boxing Day, but with a Tribble on his head. An
orange supremacist. The words ‘HOW HARD CAN IT
BE’ in a suit. The American Boris Johnson, but
like their milkshakes, the American version is
much, much thicker - and even worse for you. A
man who looks like a clingfilm bag of tinned
frankfurters that’s been kicked through a
cobweb. A character that, had it been invented
by Roald Dahl, wouldn’t have made it to the end
of a factory visit. A lame 80s
fish-out-of-water movie president. The furious
orange. Mickey Blowoff. Gropey Doo. Buzz
Shiteyear. Head like a cartoon cat squashed
into a mailbox. His smashed handbag of a face.
The sort of face David Cameron might stick his
dick in for a bet. The kind of face that if it
appeared outside your window might, ironically,
make you consider building a wall to keep it
out. If he kissed a baby, it’d probably just be
a first step in a long game of going to bed
with it in eighteen years. A soulless rich
white male who claims to represent ordinary,
hard-working people – in much the same way I
could be said to represent the Brazilian
grimecore community or the nineteen-headed
creatures of the planet Blitheroid or the
international carpet-eating association. It was
surprising to find out that he was a juvenile,
entitled, chauvinist locker room dick, because
he looks more like a horse rapist. Farage
compared him to a Silverback gorilla, probably
meaning that once in captivity in the White
House, he’d sulk in a corner, masturbating and
going insane.
This went viral on the tweets and @chas_hodges
has made it into a t-shirt with the profits
going to The Refugee Community Kitchen.
https://www.teefunder.co.uk/shop/thedonald
-------------------------------------------------
: GO OUT
And see stuff in Brighton
Regular readers will know our deep love for
John Higgs (he of the wonderful KLF book) and
he and Shardcore (we once featured him cooking
a pig's head) are up to stuff.
Shardcore writes, "The original Operation
Mindfuck was conceived in the late 60s by a
bunch of acid-fried hippies. It suggested to
artists that truth and meaning were to be
played with as much as possible in order to
confuse the Forces of Control. It was,
predictably, co-opted by the Forces of Control
and used to engender confusion, compliance and
apathy in the general public.
"In Operation Mindfuck 2018, Brighton Arts Lab
reclaim these tools of coercive psychological
and emotional manipulation."
http://bit.ly/2O9uo9g
-------------------------------------------------
: MORE IMAGE CHALLENGES. HOORAY.
Photoshop Trump
There's been some fantastic entries in our
Trump challenge but we want to bring particular
attention to this spirited Ghostbusters entry
from S4RK.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Hes_an_ugly_little_spud...
More entries at:
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protesttrump/popula...
-------------------------------------------------
: PEOPLE WITH GOOD NAMES
Turned into a twitter bot, at last!
Murray James writes, "I've just started up
@G00dNames to individually tweet every single
name on my list of real people with really
fucking ridiculous names."
https://twitter.com/G00dNames
BTW: If you can't be arsed to click, the
apparently real names include Kevin Lasagne,
June Poon & Excellent Raymond.
-------------------------------------------------
: 12 ALAN PARTRIDGE PITCHES
Generated by a computer program type-in
* Board Games With Fanny Cradock
* Shopping Centre Speed Golf With Carol Smillie
* Tabletop Games With Green Cross Code Man
* Urban Bare-Knuckle Boxing With Angela Merkel
* Water Jousting With Gorden Kaye
* Town Centre Judo With Julia Roberts
* Aircraft Spotting With John Lennon
* City Centre Judo With Heather Small From M People
* Insect Collecting With Chuck Berry
* Speed Badminton With Paul Hardcastle
* Draughts With Princess Diana
* Portsmouth Amateur Wrestling With Celine Dion
-------------------------------------------------
: WHY WE NEED A THATCHER STATUE
Yes, really
So after Westminster Council blocked the
building of a Thatcher statue in Parliament
Square, supporters are campaigning for her to
be erected in her birth-town of Grantham.
We think a Thatcher statue would be great fun:
* For flicking V's at it in selfies.
* Something to throw eggs and sperm at.
* Endless articles in the Spectator that
because someone has scribbled a Hitler
moustache on it we should bring back National
Service.
A fun day out for all the family and trains
from London can be had for £15 if you pre-book.
-------------------------------------------------
The best movies came out in the year you were 10
years old.
We're basing this on 1984 getting us Gremlins,
Ghostbusters and This Is Spinal Tap.
-------------------------------------------------
: IF YOU NEED PR THEN CALL ED, OK?
Sponsored patreon
Ed Zitron = PR. Ed Zitron = PR. Ed Zitron = PR.
Ed Zitron = PR. Ed Zitron = PR. Ed Zitron = PR.
Ed Zitron = PR. Ed Zitron = PR.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
-------------------------------------------------
: BEATLES PODCAST
Rubber Soul with your "editor" Rob Manuel
A while ago we mentioned the launch of CCC's
podcast exploring the Beatles LPs. He kindly
invited your ginger editor on to talk about
Rubber Soul and he tried his best to do his
homework and deliver some stuff that isn't just
ripped off Wikipedia - including his theory
that the title is a mucky joke: "rub arsehole".
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/01/13/episode-one-ro...
-------------------------------------------------
"Many of the jokes in Gremlins 2 are
imperceptible to the modern viewer - the Cooking
cable channel is no longer satire because it
really exists. We are heading towards a future
where the film is increasingly inseparable from
reality. I call this process
Hyper-Gremlinization." (Institute of Gremlins 2
Studies @G2Institute)
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEFS
Y-fronts for cunts - linkers for stinkers
* AWFUL JOB AD - "Siri: show me a tech job
advert built entirely of red flags" - can this
even be real?
http://bit.ly/2mwMKVh
* THE MYSTERY SODA VENDING MACHINE - "this
seemingly ancient machine is well known for
dispensing random, sometimes rare, cans of
soda- a fact that’s made all the more
intriguing when you consider that nobody seems
to know who stocks the machine or where it came
from."
http://bit.ly/2zY7JKc
* TOTO-BETIC - Sorting the lyrics to Africa
into alphabetical order delivers a remarkable
amount of funny bits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SACHA "THE BARON" COHEN - You've probably
watched this by now but the Sacha Baron Cohen
clip is good. Yeah he's lifted a huge amount
from Brass Eye but Chris Morris has been absent
from duty so it's all there for the taking and
Cohen is aiming his guns on the right targets.
The actual show is less good (we've checked) -
the 10 minute clip is the good bit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WWE COMMENTARY ADDED TO REAL LIFE - brilliant
idea for a comedy video.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/WWE_commentary_in_real_...
* SHIT COSPLAY PICS - The Jabba/Leia effort is
just sublime.
https://imgur.com/gallery/kjYou
-------------------------------------------------
: POINT YOUR BROWSER AT THESE TROUSERS
P-p-p-p pick up a sponsored p-p-p-p-patreon
Imagine you're naked. You'd probably want to
put some trousers on wouldn't you? Then put
these on, you nude idiot.
https://hebtro.co/
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
Coz continuity and callback is journalism init
* THANKS B3TA FOR MAKING MAYPOLE HAPPEN IN
DARLINGTON - Wilow1 writes, "So, put up a
little link to a gif I had made of myself and
some others testing out an adjustable maypole
crown around street furniture. I was looking at
making an urban ritual, and copying the idea of
skateboarders and free runners and how they
make a town gameful and playable. Anyway it got
a little feature here on this site, and someone
from Darlington saw it, and they got in touch
asking us to do it for a festival they had on
Saturday. So it was great to get a chance to
make it as more of a fun festival thing. So
thanks B3ta for the feature, maybe more
maypoles will appear."
http://bit.ly/2Ln5hBB
* ASHENS NEARLY HIT MOVIE TARGET - Stu writes,
"We've nearly hit $92k on the sequel movie
campaign! We may hit the $100k stretch goal at
this rate."
http://bit.ly/2LeTVjF
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
So some shit and and become "ascii famous"
* DISPUTE-O-FIX - there's so many bad faith
public spats going on in social media the next
big startup idea should be around how to
mediate peace between opposed groups.
Seriously, some of this stuff needs Reagan /
Gorbachev peace summits.
* NON-TEDIOUS NEWS SATIRE - That style of
comedy writing where the joke is all in the
headline and the article is a bit pointless
would match perfectly with a paywall fade. So
basically an Onion / Mash style website that
would free the writers from having to think up
15 pointless sentences after they've done the
joke. And the readers don't want to read that
shit anyway.
* NEW YORK FILM-O-TRON - NYC must be the most
filmed city on earth. The Wikipedia page is
great - pick the year you were born and see how
the Large Apple was being filmed then.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_set_in...#8232;
Submit YOUR penis or balls to Dave Green at #TeamNTK:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
Morrissey should sue the media for damaging his
career by reporting his own terrible opinions.
-------------------------------------------------
: THANKS
Wil, Cr3, Kris. Subjlols via Barbarossa. Links
by colmcq2, The_cold_stare, executiverocker.
Wanking by Mr Hands.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
* JOSH MCMILLAN, * AARON HOLMES, * TOM JENKINS
BATES, * JON GRANT, * SHOWRAT , * SIMON JAMES,
* TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE, * MR PHIL DONNELLY,
* KATE , * JAMES PETTS, * STEWART NOLAN, * MARK
MCCREADIE, * ALEX MORRIS, * JAMES O'BRIEN.
Apparently we should sneak in extra jokes here
to make this bit less boring.
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR , IAN SHEEN, NEIL
HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMING, ALAN
CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON,
CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT
MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON
BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN
EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER. Nope. No extra jokes
here.
Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, lee burnett, Peter
Cooper, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton, Richard
Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Jonathan
Ferguson, Brad Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul
Rose (Mr Biffo), Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus
McKay, Steve herman, Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick
Curtis, Craig Turner, Joshua Thomasson, Dog
Byte, Fearghas , unklefiction , Chris Gough,
fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Basel Kirmani,
Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys Wynne, Matt
Machell, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, Tim Williams,
David King, Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell,
Stephanie Radford, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
Ahmad, nicholas martin, Chris Andrews, Jim
MacArthur, John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy
Webber, Jack Barton, David Gardiner, Adam
Molloy, Simon McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna ,
Peter Gosling, Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss,
Philip Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry,
Derek ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster,
Adam Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
Frayling, Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Jamie
Borrill, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm
McNǐven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
Dave Tickle, Andre Stiefenhofer, Matthew
Forman, Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James
Woods, pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam
Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull,
Simon Henry, Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman,
Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave,
Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson,
Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich
Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie
Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki
Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden,
Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith,
Matthew Wilkes, John Docherty, Dan Stott,
Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard
Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark McGowan, Ed Cook,
Darren Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom
Crick, Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack,
AC , Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston, David
Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
Hollis, sean casely, Chris Stammers, Al
Davidson, martin mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin
Holloway, Mike Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim
Mouncer, peter wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew
Morris, Rob Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley,
Greg Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev
Adams, Simon Smith, David Edmundson-Bird,
@mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster, Iain Henshaw,
Matthew Smith, Gia Milinovich, Fiona James,
Robert Hills, Natalee , Anne-Marie Scott, James
Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de Carteret,
Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart Alldred,
Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris Branch,
Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Jason Law,
Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, Alex Hayton,
James Shakespeare, Jiminy Hall, Tim Weaver,
Lisa Westhaven, James O'Malley, Emma Lay, Phil
Wade, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl, Catherine
McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien Smith, Jim
Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von Borstel,
Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, No Reward
Description: (None for No Reward), Nick Morgan,
Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain Moffatt, Justin
Brett, Louise Allen, David Green, Riven A
Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian Appleby, Pete ,
Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards,
David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom Freke, Jan
Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike Congreve, Chris
Johnson, John Field, Emma Sykes, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Ross Dobson, David Stark, Adam
Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic Le Garsmeur,
Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew Robinson,
Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim Beachy, Rose
Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
Moeller, Irene Semanchuk, Alexandre Strube,
Craig Naples, Steve Bryant, Richard Speed,
Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Russ Anderson,
Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew Anderson,
Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham Freeman, Dave
Gee, Peter Keelback, Wine School of
Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob
Potter, James Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al
Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam,
Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily Payne, Tim
Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod ,
Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil Ives,
Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
Čolak-Antić, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
Stéphane. Not a sausage of extra material.
Sorry.
-------------------------------------------------
: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
Social media has largely become a machine for
amplifying the word "Trump" and making us all
hate each other, so block us now at:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Half fill a plastic bottle with water and freeze
it. Then add tap water when you want a drink -
you'll get 4 or so ice-cold refills from it. Good
to take to the gym.
-------------------------------------------------
: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
* Sub to the newsletter via
https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/
* Unsub
<unsubscribe>If you must but you shouldn't</unsubscribe>
* Submit YOUR content to newsletter:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
* Fund the newsletter via the patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
